She Stopped EVERYTHING - What does this mean?

[skynet74]

For you people who are new to my story. I'm 36. My Ex-girlfriend is 31. We got together back in 1994. We lived together since September of that year. Things always seemed good until January of this year when she decided she needed space. Later found out that a new guy had a lot to do with it.

 

The new guy ended up passing away shortly after they started seeing each other. Her and I then got back together from March to May. Then she pulled another fast one and broke up with me again! I did not give up easy. I did all those things I shouldn't have. Begged, pleaded, cried. None of it worked. It Just pushed her further away. It's been rough for me. How do you go from 10 years of stability to this? It's a pain that I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.

 

She still gets her mail here...... However she stopped picking it up more than two weeks ago. She was coming by at least once a week to get it before. I haven't received any phone calls from her either. It's odd that she hasn't at least called to ask if she has mail. (something she was doing before). I also see that she hasn't checked her online personal ad or her e-mail in about the same amount of time! I know she's allright because I drove by her work this week and her car was there. So why has she suddenly seemed to have vanished. Is she intentionally trying to make me worry so that I will call her? That's just one conclusion I have come to.

 

I know that she had told me she wanted space and would still like to be friends (but not just yet). She would call me when she is ready. That's all fine and well....but this whole mail thing has got me concerned. She has done a lot of uncharacteristic things this year.... and this is another one to add to the list. I'll be honest in saying that I've had a hard time not calling her. I typically give in after four or five days. But this time I have not called her since Sunday July 25th. That's two weeks! She's got to be thinking that is rather odd as well. She still acted pretty distant whenever I would call...... as if my phone calls were more of a bother to her than anything else. So I stopped.

 

So back to my question. Based on the info I have presented here. Why would she suddenly stop getting her mail and stuff? Is there some sort of logic I am not seeing? The last time she came by we were friendly towards one another and we didn't have any problems. As a matter of fact we got along good. So What's Up?

 

 

 

thanks for any help,

 

John

[Brandell]

John, you are seriously obsessing here. You are cornering in on every tiny aspect of her life.

 

I am not sure what to say to you my friend. I wish I could help you but you are very much in denial. I would like to advise you to try and concentrate on yourself and stop this constant obsessive over analysis of every aspect of your ex's behaviour.

 

The truth is John that she is not with you, at least for now. The reasons are somewhat irrelevant at this stage. Do you want to get better? Do you want to stop this obsessive over thinking?

 

It is 4 months since my breakup. If I was contstantly checking email, worrying why she had not been round, driving by her job etc. I would be TOTALLY insane by now.

 

I can appreciate that you guys spent so long together and shared so much but you seem SO sure it will eventually work out and that your ex. has just lost her marbles temporarily. Maybe you are right but what about you? and your life? She is not with you NOW so what are you going to do? Obsess yourself to death or give yourself a break?

 

Wish I could help

[skynet74]

I'm not obsessing as much as I did at first. Just curious more than anything. After 10 years there isn't a person on the planet who is not going to try and figure out what the Ex is up to. It's only been three months since her and I last broke up. Not a real long time in the grand scheme of things.

 

Her mail still gets delivered here. Half her furniture is still here and Our three cats are still here. We basically had a marriage without the legal binding certificate. So of course there is going to be a certain amount of worrying and obsessing. It's only natural. I still Love her. Maybe three years from now it will be different. But as of right now I'm having very normal feelings for someone who is going through something as recently tragic as this.

 

 

 

John

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

John,

 

I've been skimming your posts for a while. I want to ask you a few things. Was she your first real relationship? I'm at the age you were when you started dating her (my first real relationship too) and I'm having about as hard a time with my breakup as you are having with yours. I mean when men reach their thirties they have had a few breakups, but you didn't have this chance. I want you to realize--if you can take advice from someone 10 years younger than you --that there are MANY men at your age that wouldn't be doing the things that you're doing. I think that you were with her for so long that you are essentially acting as a 25 yr old would act after a breakup, you haven't had the bitterness and training that many guys get after a few breakups.

 

It's true that you want to know what's going on with her. Hell I'm doing the same thing. But I haven't drove by her work. But then again maybe I did some things worse than what you have done so far.

 

I agree completely that that big 1-0 will get you to do things that most here wont even dream up. I just want you to be careful. What you are doing is called an enabler. I have mine. This mail of her's, driving by her house. It's keeping you from moving on. I'll tell you this much. If she comes back soon you are NOT READY to talkk with her. You will not show any confidence, you will not look attractive in her eyes. You need to move on and forget about her so that when she comes back you will be irresitable in her eyes.

 

Good luck

[skynet74]

Hello the_tiger_striped_cat,

 

No she was not my first Real relationship. I had a three year relationship before her. However I was HER first relationship. She was shy and barely dated before me. Then when she found me she was estatic to finally have found a guy that loved and cared for her. So judging by your anaology she should be the needy one who doesn't want to let go of her first love. However she did let go. Not only did she let go, but she threw me off the bridge.

 

Now that she's hit 31 years of age I think she may just want to spread her wings and live the life she missed out on when she was younger. It was her choice to enter into a steady realtionship at 21, so it's not like anyone forced her. But obviously she wants something different now.

 

So does the fact that I was her first Real Boyfriend increase the odds of her coming back? Is anyone else she hooks up with basically a rebound (or) someone to satisfy her urge? People keep telling me she'll come back. Makes me wonder if they know something I don't.

 

As far as the mail situation goes..... SHE is the only one keeping that tie to me alive. She moved in with a girlfriend who isn't supposed to have anyone living with her. thereforeeee she can't forward her mail there. Same thing with the furniture. She can't have anything delivered there. Keep in mind that this is what she is telling me. Maybe it's the truth... maybe it's not. But this is what she claims. I stuck a "change of address" form in with her mail the last time she came by to pick it up. So it's not that I am trying all that hard to keep hanging on. The change of address card was to let her know that I was doing the opposite. I was making a move to push her the rest of the way out the door. That's the last time I saw her.

 

Thanks for all your advice everyone

[stolenshadow]

Hello, I'll tell you what I think.

 

It's clear you are obsessed and simply can't stop thinking about her or about what's going on in her head, but I don't think that's strange, unusual or even that bad, it's hurting you but we all have different ways to deal with pain, maybe with such thoughts you're just trying to protect yourself from what seems to be worse: Forgetting her.

 

As for why she's acting that way, I think she just decided to, as you said, change again, maybe for you, probably not, but she felt like it.

 

There's no excuse for still accepting her mail and having her furniture there, there are a billion ways those things could get sorted but perhaps she feels it's better to have you "under control" in case any future relationship doesn't work.

 

I think you should consider moving to another place, give her her stuff and just cut it, I know it's easier said than done but there's no need to keep messing yourself up over her, just do everything you can to forget her even if your heart is reluctant to do so.

 

At least that's my opinion.

[fantasia2004]

Sweetie it is just abuse taking . Don't do it.

 

Just throw it out before she use you as a storage bin.

[DrNick]

Skynet, my take on it is as follows. She is confused at the moment. Part of her wants to go out and live life after a 10 year relationship, yet part of her enjoys the security that comes with being with someone for so long.

 

What you need to do at the moment is

1. Cut off contact and

2. Stop doing her favours.

 

You say she can't have mail delivered to where she is staying because her flatmate can't have more than one person living there. So what? It's not your problem. Skynet, I'm sorry to say this, but you're too understanding and too willing to concede, and she does not respect you. You need to show her that while you care for her, she will not take advantage of you. Call or email her and tell her that she has to redirect her mail, and that she has to pick up her furniture, or you will throw it out. I know it will be hard, and she will get offended and accuse you of all sorts of things, but you need to institute NC and show her that you are getting on with your life and not hanging around for the day when she returns. People say this over and over, but it takes a while for it to sink in. Women don't respect "nice" guys. That does not mean you have to turn into a jerk, but it does mean you have to have some self-respect and know where to draw the line. Women like being friends with nice guys, but they like being in a relationship with a guy who is confident, self-assured, and knows when to stand up for himself.

Look after yourself Skynet, and try to move on.

[kate111]

Dear John,

 

I just posted a long reply to this post but accidently deleted it before I could send it.

 

Anyway I will try again.

 

Basically she is not coming around so much anymore because she needs you less. She has started building a life without you in it.

 

You may remember that I predicted that this would happen. You may liken what she is doing to pulling off a bandaid, pulling it off slowly so that it will not hurt at any stage in the process. Rather than pulling it off all at once.

 

This is not helping you any.

 

Being in a situation where she can stop by to pick up mail and sitting on her furniture is retaining contact with her. It is creating a situation where you are able to keep up hope and obsess. It is keeping you in anticipation over what she will do next. It is allowing you to wallow in the past and not deal with what has happened ie she has left you.

 

So please do not fool yourself that you are doing "no contact". You are not. The reason no contact is such a good idea is to prevent the dumped person from getting continually hurt by contact with their ex partner. It prevents them from obsessing and allows them time by themselves to heal.

 

You need to take control of the situation. Tell her to get her mail redirected and tell her that she needs to either pick up her furniture or give it to you.

 

 

Then you are not in a situation where you can interpret anything. Only then are you doing no contact. Then you can start to heal.

[tere]

I think that she is confused about things... give her the time and space she needs... it is not easy to figure what our ex is going through, but sometimes it the real thing has nothing to do with what we were thinking... so it's pointless to think on what she might or not be thinking... take time for yourself.

[the_Monk]

skynet74,

 

I've followed your posts with some interest over the last month and a half. Without a doubt bro, my heart truly goes out to you. I know how hard it is to loose someone that means the world to you and although my Ex and i had only been together for 4yrs, i can relate to your pain. You yourself pointed out some similarities between our situations, but, my friend, enough is enough. I don't want to be mean, rude, or harsh but where is this getting you?

 

Sky, She's gone man, she might never be back. You have two choices buddy, accept it and move on or continue with your ways and put yourself through hell for another couple of months. Personally, i think you should accept it, better yourself and make yourself a more attractive option. I'm guilty of over analyzing, reading into things, and hanging onto hope but i've been able to control these emotions so that they don't control me. Geuse what, the day i told myself 'screw this, i love her, but i can't keep killing myself like this anymore and i need to just let go" she called me...

 

i truly hope you get your girl back, i hope we all do, but i truly believe that you need to take some big steps towards controlling your emotions, you have a lot of support here, we're all in your corner, but we can't fight the fight for you.

[fantasia2004]

Kick it out or she will wear you out like old jeans.

 

The mail and furniture are material but there is only one you . Stand up to her and get rid of her forever.

[d346]

Well, there's always an option of a po box! ha ha. Actually though, I have one (i've moved alot) and its only like 40 bucks a year.

 

 

AAANYway. I hear your pain and I feel for you. I do have to agree by saying the week i said "screw this" , my ex called me too! but the beauty of that was that I was already getting over him -so he had to convince ME to get back together and that that he was ready to make some changes!

 

Now, 10 years is huge, and she may be going through a phase...BUT, in all honesty, she's probably not coming by or contacting you because she doesn't want to, and is busy doing whatever it is that she's doing.

 

My advice...say F-this, be angry she doesn't want anything to do with you right now (you should be, because that's not how one should treat even a friend!) and use that to fuel your own endeavors. whatever happens happens, but this is you time to take control of your life!