How long before initiating contact?

[rich46]

Hi,

 

It has been 13 days since I last spoke with my ex. I told her that I couldn't just switch to being "best friends" overnight and that is is best if we have some time without any contact. As I have said in other posts, she sounded a bit miffed about this as if it was up to her, we would still be speaking/texting virtually every day. She did say originally that she needs some "time and space" so now she is getting it, plus I need it too.

 

Like I said, it has now been 13 days. Not very long in the grand scheme of things. But what I wanted to know is, how long should I give it before initiating contact? I know it is impossible to say an exact time frame, but roughly speaking? A month? 2 months?

 

If I play things right I still believe there is a chance for us (she even said this the last time we spoke). I'm aware that she could have been using me as a security blanket, which is an extra reason to do No Contact in the meantime.

 

We live about an hour's drive away from eachother, so I won't bump into her at work or anything.

 

Any thoughts or suggestions anyone?

 

Thanks again,

 

Rich

[Brandell]

Only initiate contact when you are in the following state of mind:

 

1) you can talk to her calmly without getting over emotional, clingy, angry, depressed or needy

 

2) you need to come accross as cheerful, positive and self sufficient

 

3) you need to have thought about the relationship away from the "fairy tale" image most dumpees latch onto and view the relationship or what it is (or was). Take responsibility for your part in its demise and recognise the other parties part aswell.

 

3) If you seriously want to initiate contact to rekindle the relationship you have to be sure that whatever problems that caused the relationship to fail can be solved, are solved, or are willing from both sides to be solved.

 

4) No Contact is about you. To heal and view things with a clearer eyes away from the relationship.

 

5) You have to be prepared to accept that the relationship may be over

 

There is no clear cut answer to how long. I am 4 months down the road and I am not yet in the position where I feel I can initiate contact with my ex. If she initiates it I would be receptive but I will not as I do not want to face anything which might drive me back to square one in healing.

 

In my opinion 13 days is not nearly long enough to get the perspectives I mentioned above before contacting your ex. but thats just my opinion.

 

Good luck!

[rich46]

Thanks a lot Brandell! It is much appreciated.

 

Does anyone else have any comments or advice?

 

Thanks...Rich

[r6a6r6]

Hmm, I don't know. You've been following my story, Rich, so I wouldn't be the one to ask about NC.

 

The last time I saw her was a week ago. She emailed me yesterday. I tried not to answer, but I sort of had to (I owe her bill money). I was definetly civil, and left it to the point. But she was being a little too friendly after all I've told her (how I feel about the relationship).

 

To top it all off she say's (no joke), "Thanks for keeping in contact."

 

What is that?

 

Anyway, I think I'd give it a couple more weeks. We're in the same boat where our exes aren't absolutely ticked off at us, and they want to remain friends. I don't know if that makes it easier?

 

But, for me, no contact was working to get my head clear. The email made me take a few steps back, though.

 

Ultimately, our exes asked for space and time, so that's what we should give them. It's unfair of them to go against that and contact US. Isn't it?

 

Anyway, hang in there. I know it's tough. Really tough!

 

Talk to ya later!

[rich46]

Hi,

 

Yeah it is tough, but the difference with my situation is, my ex hasn't tried to contact me in the 16 days of NC! Again, I'm not sure whether this is a good or a bad thing. In a way I don't want her to contact me as it is clear we both need our "space" although for slightly different reasons. On the other hand though, it would be nice to know that she is thinking about me! I know I know, I shouldn't think like that. I'm sure she is thinking about me as we had (have?) such a strong bond.

 

I find it really difficult to stop myself thinking "I wonder what she's thinking?" "Is she thinking about me?" I am making progress and I think in a few weeks I'll be ready to contact her again. My only concern is that she may have met someone else, and would I be ready for that? I don't think she would have but still, my mind races with these kinds of thoughts!

 

r6a6r6, yes I think it is unfair of your ex to contact you like this. You did the right thing by replying in a civil manner. Her "thanks for staying in contact" line was a feeble effort to make out you can't move on without her! She may be a bit 'put out' that you are moving on and aren't giving her the attention she craves!

 

Thanks for replying and keep me updated on your situation.

 

Good luck,

 

Rich

[Surfinman]

I tried the no contact thing for a while. When I got back into contact with her she told me she was dating someone else. I still love her but cant figure out if its completely over. She says you can never know what the future may hold. Confusing stuff....

[rich46]

I tried the no contact thing for a while. When I got back into contact with her she told me she was dating someone else. I still love her but cant figure out if its completely over. She says you can never know what the future may hold. Confusing stuff....

Confusing stuff indeed! I just read your original post surfinman and I can see we are also in a similar position, as are a few others on this message board. Me and my ex were/are first loves so I can kind of appreciate that she wants some time to be single. However, I'm not sure whether I am prepared to wait until she has finished with this "single time."

 

Before I initiated NC, she was still saying how we should meet up and go on trips, she even said we should spend New Years Eve together like we have done for the last 3 years. What is all that about? I took that with a pinch of salt though as that is 5 months away. I think she wants the single life AND to have me as a boyfriend which like you said, can be summed up in one word...CONFUSING!

 

I still have hope for us, and I don't think it is blind hope. I have just got to take that hope but also try to think that there may not be a future. It is difficult being in limbo like this!

 

Rich