How long were your relationships and how long did it take to heal?

[Tryptophan]

I know most of you are going through healing at the moment so you can leave that one blank but what about past relationships?

 

I was in a 3 year relationship and it took about 3 months for it to stop hurting (he moved away). I had a stronger support system back then so the actual "grieving" (depression, anger) process was quick. I thought about him for the rest of year and it gradually decreased, though it didn't hurt. I still think about him quite a bit, and remember him fondly. However, the last shorter relationship (11 months) has seemed unbearable. It's been 3 months already and I still cry. It might have to do with the fact that I'm haunted by "what could have been" thoughts whereas the other was one was kind of stationary anyway, and we had slowly drifted apart too.

 

Anyone else experience such a disproportionate difference in "healing" times? You would think the longer the relationship, the harder to overcome but for me it has been the opposite. I have noticed this in other people as well but I'm just curious to see the responses.

[inglesia]

3 year relationship. It got dramatically better after 2 months but then fell into a kind of less pleasant norm. Which has gradually gotten better over time.

[Wildflower88]

6 years... I'm 1 year and 3 months out of it and Im ok.. moved on.. got a new boyfriend and a baby on the way but there are times when I see a photograph of him, or hear about him or see mutual friends hanging out with him that I just.. get upset but Im hopeing the second year will be completely FREE of any type of feeling for him.. I've never wanted to hate someone so badly

[TheJerseyKid]

Times for me have varied greatly depending on emotional investment and also time investment. One thing I thought was interesting was that I feel it varies greatly based more upon the emotional investment, even though a lot of people like to quantify their relationships based upon the amount of time they spent with their partner. You can have a 6month relationship that involves a lot of emotional investment, that can be just as hard to get over as say a 3 year relationship.

 

Having said that, here is how things have gone for me.

4 Year relationship - Dumpee - We took a few months to go full NC (before I knew about this website), and there was a month or so of mixed feelings from her. This was my first relationship, I was fully mentally and emotionally committed to her, I pictured us possibly married some day as did she. - This took I'd say a solid 3-4 months for the "cloud" to subside, but I still thought about her a good deal- just there wasn't any pain there, or not as much. I'd say I thought I was fully over it by the 5-6 month mark, but I didn't truly fall in love with anyone for a solid 18 months.

 

4 Month relationship - I was the dumper but I was effectively forced into it due to horrible communication. We said we loved each other, and I did feel strongly for her, but looking back on this I was still missing my ex subconsciously and was never "truly" in love with her. We clicked great but there were a lot of outside interferences here that stood in our way, and I think this did prevent things for getting escalated to some degree, however I know for a fact our personalities are not compatible long term. Took me maybe a week or two to get over this one.

 

3 Month relationship - Dumpee - Was so short, little emotional investment. Shouldn't of been a real relationship, was merely a fling or intense infatuation sexually for each other. Our personalities are a good match - but we have many different interests and hobbies, we're completely different people. I was dumped one night and I was over it later that night, and never looked back or thought about her.

 

2.5 Year relationship - Dumpee (3 times) - We had an extremely intense physical, and emotional relationship, from day 1. I knew her from a few years back, she dated someone I used to be friends with. We were always fond of each other, but neither made a move or hinted at it due to my friendship. They later split up, I became out of touch with that friend for a long time. We reconnect on facebook, set up a day to hang out, and basically became a couple on the spot (though we made it official maybe 2 weeks later). It was the most intense physical attraction I ever felt for someone that I've been with, and it's funny because physically she was very different from all of my other ex's. She dumped me after 5 months because I became very jealous, needy, and clingy. We remained in LC for about 5 weeks before we finally got back together. I got over my clingy/neediness and it saved our relationship- at the time. I became very good at this and these issues never resurfaced again, but we broke up a year later (1 year ago almost to the day, when I joined this website).

 

The issues this time around we're mostly based around timing, or so I thought. She was finishing school, I was in a transitional career period, as I had just finished technical school. We were all over the place and very stressed out. We broke up for 2.5 months or so, we had periods of NC as long as 3 weeks during that, with a little LC. I didn't initiate anything until around the 2 month mark and beyond. Eventually we hung out and got back together, though we agreed to start slow and casual. For some reason, we never changed our facebook status' to reflect our relationship, even though we had done so previously. Things were good through the summer and early fall but eventually we fell back to our old habits of becoming co-dependent and not going out that much. She dumped me again 30 days ago and we have had 0 contact. I wasn't given a real reason for the break up other than she "needed time" and thought we were "different people". Whatever.

 

I won't go too into detail as far as how I'm doing this time, you can check my recent posts if you'd like an idea of how I'm handling things. I'm def. moving on and feeling a lot better, but by no means am I over it, so I can't say how long it'll take me to get over this one. If I had to guess, assuming things remain the same and we stay in NC? I'd say hopefully 3-4 months, possibly longer. I don't think I'll ever have it worse than my first one, which took about half a year I'd say to be fully over it, but we had an intense love/passion/whatever for each other so this one will take some time for sure.

[C_Unknown2005]

3.5 years, still healing however Im going on a date tonight. In order to love you have to let them go. Life is too damn short to be worrying about someone that dosen't want to be in your life.

[Michele32]

I'm right there with you with the "what could have been" pain. I dated this guy just a few months and still not completely over him.(its been over a year since it ended). I'm fine on a day to day basis, I have moved on to other guys but if I see him it's like a down ward spiral. I was with my ex for 2.5 years and that was fairly easy to move on because it was obvious we needed to be apart.

[AutumnBorn]

Together 25 years and the healing just goes on and on and on. Some days you're "there", most days you don't even know where "there" is because it's a moving target.

[biggestdork]

4 months... took me like over 8 months to get over

I feel special -_-

[Lovestreak]

Its not the length of time you were with the person its about the love that you shared. There are many variables that come into play. My ex broke up with me 3 weeks ago. We lived together, did everything together and we were always around eachother. She has kids that I was very involved in thier lives. I picked them up from school everyday at 240pm. I took them to school every morning at 7:30. Its not about the time, its about the Love invested. If someone truly loves you then it will take them a while. That depends on you though. If you dont let it go... they cant. Trust me. You have to fight for what you want. I dont let things go, I am just sitting back working on me and waiting for the right time. That will depend on her. By that time she will have had time to not be mad anymore and realize the love and good things I did. Not the bad. 4 months-if its meant to be... NEVER.

[Tryptophan]

I know what you mean by what we shared. I shared really good things with my ex of 3 years, it was magical but letting go of him was easier because we had grown apart and he also did move away. With the shorter relationship where I was the dumper, it seems like it's dragging on forever. What kills me the most is thinking of "what could have been" if the circumstances hadn't been the way they were.

 

I know I have to go on a date and start being with other people but I still have those moments where I see a bit of him in everyone. I don't want to play with anyone's feelings but I have been going to the movies, restaurants, and whatnot to distract myself and replace that 'attachment' region of the brain with new people in my life.