Successfully getting your ex back if they were with a rebound?(stories/advice)

[ataraxia]

Thanks for the advice. It’s kind of similar to what a few of my friends have said to me too, although some have also said I should just be completely honest with her and lay it all out on the line. Personally I don’t if that’s such a good idea as tempting as it is to me. More than anything else I think the fear that if I do tell her how much I still love her right now that it will only end up making her run a mile. I want to be strong and try to act nonchalant but it’s going against just about every emotion I have about her. I’m pretty sure she knows how I feel about her because I did try to get it accross to her when I explained why I had cooled off/asked for some space. But I don’t know if the fact that I at the same time I said we had to be completely NC when she said we couldn’t be together as a couple right now isn’t sending her mixed messages to the point where the only conclusion she can come to is that I don’t care any more.

 

I’ve had another text from her since I posted my first message to say that she’s free Sunday afternoon if I am able to meet her and talk. The thing is I know that she’s having a party tonight (Sat) to celebrate a new housemate moving in that quite a few of our mutual friends have been invited to, and that this new ‘boyfriend’ will be there as well. Its not like I was expecting an invite but it’s still hurting me to know that this party is basically doubling up as a ‘coming out’ for her and this guy as a couple. I don’t want that to cloud my judgement too much and mean I end up getting annoyed/irate about the situation if I do meet her tomorrow but it’s all that I can think about at the minute. Man this sucks… :sad:

[Jondwnr]

Yeah only things you can do is let there relaltionship play out, it's very hard I know I'm going the the same thing in a worse situation. Don't meet up with her because she is still with the other guy. If she says she wants to talk about you two as one, then It will be alright to meet with her. I feel your pain man.

[dumpee]

I've often wondered if my ex's new relationship is considered a 'rebound'. We were together 10 years, she left 6 months ago for another guy she met at her dance class and they got married just over a month ago! Her parents aren't happy!

 

I would have gone NC at the very start if we hadn't had to sort out our finances, etc (took 4 months) but I went 22 days NC after she told me they had got married and I am now on day 16 of NC since she sent me a one line email.

 

Reconcilliation? Hmm, not sure what happens in this sort of situation other than to remain NC and get on with my life.

[Jondwnr]

Dumpee: your situation is sorta similar to mine accept my relationship was much shorter.

She dumps me then a week later she is dating him, then 2 weeks later they are engaged.

She just got her ring yesterday(less than 2 months in the relationship) and her parents especially her mom cant handle it.

 

I'm killing myself cause aren't rebounds supposed to be to get over the last relationship not take the most drastic move possible without thinking about anyone's feelings or thoughts. They also start talking about kids almost immediately and moved in together basically immediately as well. Sure she knew him for 4 years and never dated him, but he wasn't around in our 11 month relationship accept at the end when she left me.

[kylan]

The following was written by someone else on this forum, cant remember who but it goes with my ex behaviour EXACTLY. Seems like the rebounding can take many forms. Some want to commit immediately and take the new relation to the same status as the old one while some just want a distraction from the old

 

"Rebound pitfalls for perspective

 

A rebound relationship is one that occurs shortly (within a few months) after the break-up of a significant love relationship.

 

 

The rebound often starts as a strong nearly unbelievable emotional connection followed quickly by physical intimacy. If you move quickly from a long lasting relationship into another relationship then you are probably in a “rebound relationship."

 

 

Rebound Relationships Serve a Purpose:

 

 

A rebound relationship is a distraction. It is a connection to another person that keeps us from having to experience the full extent of the emotional pain of our recent break up. It is a misguided attempt to move on with our lives. Many people will jump back into the dating scene because they fear being alone. It’s a sad quick fix, one in which we can drown out our pain by reveling in the emotional intensity and passion of a new found love.

 

 

It can be a lot more fun than dealing with the misery of a recently broken heart. The astronomical divorce rate of couples who meet and marry based on the rebound of at least one party is staggering. Often, it is due to the fact that one or both parties never developed emotional maturity from healing and growth that only time and reflection can provide. The pursuit of an emotional high is stronger than a narcotic and creates an enormous cause for caution and deeper understanding.

 

 

Great Expectations:

 

 

Don’t go into a rebound relationship expecting your new partner to make up for the shortcomings and mistakes of the old partner. The new partner often seems amazing and a near perfect fit. The intensity of a rapid emotional and physical connection with the new partner is often directly related to the length of the previous relationship. The longer the old relationship was, the faster the rebounder attempts to get over it and move on. I like to call this the “knight in shining armor syndrome.”

 

 

You may have just come out of a relationship that involved infidelity so you turn around and expect your new partner to be able to make up for the pain you experienced in the old relationship. More than likely, all you will do is exchange one set of problems for another and usually everything is in fast forward. You may even become the very person that your former partner had hoped for simply because the emotional weight of resentments is lifted.

 

 

The paradox of that strategy is that the new partner does not see the “real” you and instead is presented a near perfect impersonation that probably could of saved a dying relationship after some significant time off and healing. The powers of emotional rebounding and the fear of loneliness can be overwhelming.

 

 

Too Fast, Too Soon:

 

 

A strong red flag and indication of unresolved or avoided emotions is the constant desire to be together as much as possible with a new love a short time after a split. Ironically the same amount of time may have seemed unbearable and smothering in the former relationship. Sometimes this occurs before the actual split or within several weeks of it.

 

 

Nearly a month or two into a rebound and the old relationship often seems like a distant bad dream. “I love you” is often said within a few months after a long term ends. Repression and emotional stonewalling of the previous relationship is a coping mechanism to detach from the reality of the rebound and to maintain the intense high of new love often referred to as “the honeymoon.”

 

 

Love in fact never develops until it is tested, stretched, and strengthened over time. The facsimile of love is infatuation and gives many of the same intense feelings but .without the time tests of deep commitment. An emotional fatal mistake is to undervalue time invested into oneself and a relationship but then overvalue the feelings of infatuation or relief after escaping a painful breakup.

 

 

The former love often takes on the role of an enemy and a common battle plan against that enemy is emotionally fought within the confines of a rebound relationship. Stating that this pattern is emotionally unhealthy is an understatement and can create more casualties of love than a previous failed relationship.

 

 

Masking Your Pain:

 

 

This is the biggest problem in a rebound relationship. Usually someone ends up being used and hurt as a result though initially that may seem impossible to imagine. If you are in a relationship to distract yourself from the pain of a broken heart then you are using another person. More than likely when that person has served their purpose you will move on, leaving them to pick up the pieces.

 

 

Commonly, a pattern of breaking up and rebounding occurs from one partner to the next with just a superficial effort to resolve and understand the repressed emotions from the past. It is much like wallpapering over a hole in the wall instead of repairing the actual hole. Be honest with yourself and with what you are doing.

 

 

Every relationship feels like a whirlwind in the beginning and this is especially true after a tough break-up. It is often easier to break-up and rebound than it is to break-up and commit to months of healing and introspection alone. The fear of being alone is powerful and when combined with the passion of a new love, it provides a high like a narcotic with the strength to cause extreme personal emotional damage from repressed emotions.

 

 

Everyday, people split-up and rebound into a new near-perfect deep long-term relationship. All seems well on the surface but like a disease left untreated, emotional .destruction is nearly certain. Destruction in this case refers to another harsh breakup or divorce. It is little cause to wonder why the statistics of couples divorcing is quite grim. Work has become a dirty four letter word when it comes to our emotional selves and how we interact with and treat others."

[Jondwnr]

Kylan!! Bravo bravo, that was prolly my favorite post I've seen on this site, basically cause it pertains to my situation.

Thank you very very much!

 

I just wish I got more information about rebound engagements. Thats where I'm at now lol

[kylan]

For me that text was a comfort and explanation for why she did go to another man so quickly and actually made me move on with my life feeling more calm. At first I felt our relationship meant nothing but I realized she jumped into another because she couldnt handle being alone. Anyway, its important to leave her at that and move on with your life. Its been about 60 days of NIC for me and things are easier.

 

Jondwnr, about rebound engagements, I think it falls under the "too fast, too soon" chapter. Its not "normal" to get engaged so soon after a relation. I think you should leave her alone to miss you and in the same time heal yourself

[pained66]

So how would you handle my situation. I've been with my guy for five years this coming June. He said he knew I was "the one" right away. I was the one that took things slow. He knew I never wanted to get married or have kids as I already had them. He was fine with that. It took me a long time (after being so burned from my previous marriage. I've been divorced 11 years, and there was another relationship between my marriage and my guy so he was not the rebound guy by any mean, and in fact when I met him I was dating several people and wasn't interested in a serious relationship at all, which he also knew)--but he broke down the walls and everyone in my life loved him. I started to have some serious health issues develop right after we met but that never mattered to him. At the height of my health issues, he asked me to marry him. I realized this man was in it for the long haul, my daughters, older, loved him and embraced him. He asked my father for my hand in marriage, and took my daughters out to dinner to ask them to officially accept him as their step father and allow him to marry their mother. In their minds he already was and was introduced as such to their friends, got father's day cards saying as such etc. He totally accepted them as his daughters and talked about them as such to guys at work, to his family etc. We wanted a wedding but my health wouldn't allow it until after a high risk surgery so we had a civil service performed this past September where my dad and daughters were witnesses. There is not question that my health and wedding planning and family issues (on his end) have been extremely stressful!!! But we always stay connected, he always sent test telling me good morning beautiful every morning, I love you xoxo or something to that effect for the whole relationship. Two weeks ago after having a beautiful day together, we ended up getting into a fight about, of all things, the guest list. It got heated as it was about family he had walked out on and hadn't talked to the whole five years we were together and we needed to move some people from the list but he didn't want to move some of these same family members. He ended up leaving and saying it was done. Two days later, he came over and calmly told me he wanted a divorce. SEVEN months after getting married, FIVE YEARS after that being all he ever wanted was a life with me and to get married. I tried the no contact, but he started immediately moving forward and even started to pack up his place (we still lived in different places, long story but as soon as things stabilized with my health stuff we were going to be moving in together. He practically lived at my place though, just wasn't any room for him to actually move in).

 

He removed himself from my phone account so I sent a text, to thank him for taking care of that, when I felt panicked. He agreed to meet me in the park and I kept it light and casual for the most part. He was still wearing the ring I gave him that he never takes off and a bracelet I got him for christmas that he never wears. We hugged on three different occasions in which he rubbed my back when he hugged me, but still told me he didn't want this anymore, that he wasn't happy and that he wanted his freedom to do what he wanted, when he wanted. He hasn't even TRIED to talk to the girls, even though he has been their father figure in their lives for five years and they don't have a relationship with their own father who lives out of state. He just basically left us and didn't even try to say, if this doesn't change I want a divorce, or these things are making me unhappy and there need to be some changes. He walked out on all of his old friends when we got involved because he said they never grow up, and only want to drink, party etc. and have a lot of drama. Even while together I would encourage him to hang out once in a while but he said that he didn't want that life. Now he spends all his time with them I guess, or something because suddenly he has somewhere to go and be all the time. He is never home. He was gone all weekend and never came home. No contact with him only makes him feel more justified in his mind he is doing the right thing and moves on faster. Our talk ended on a very good note and I was hopeful. He said we could meet up once in a while to maybe go for a walk and that I could text but the next morning I texted good morning and he never replied. So I haven't sent him any more text. I don't know how someone can sent me a text on Monday morning telling me what a wonderful weekend they had, post on facebook how they hate mondays but that they can't wait until they get home to their wonderful lady who always makes their day brighter, and then that night have a fight and in two days want a divorce and EVERYTHING is over. No trying nothing. I should tell you he has always been the kind of person that runs from their problems. Always. Anything that isn't pleasant in his life, he avoids or buries his head in the sand, hides or runs- whether it's money issues, conflict, whatever. No contact only helps him do that. Helps him avoid what he has done.

On the other end, there is devastation for us. I FINALLY got to a point where I felt I was ok, and could trust and the walls came down about how I felt about ever marrying again, and marry him- only to be left 7 months later. Those that know (I haven't told anyone really yet) are so shocked!! It's now been two weeks. I don't think the blanket, no contact, can be used here....

[endy]

For me that text was a comfort and explanation for why she did go to another man so quickly and actually made me move on with my life feeling more calm. At first I felt our relationship meant nothing but I realized she jumped into another because she couldnt handle being alone. Anyway, its important to leave her at that and move on with your life. Its been about 60 days of NIC for me and things are easier.

 

Jondwnr, about rebound engagements, I think it falls under the "too fast, too soon" chapter. Its not "normal" to get engaged so soon after a relation. I think you should leave her alone to miss you and in the same time heal yourself

 

JD this is most certainly right. You are both very young, and she by all means seems to be very immature. Even if she gets married, it won't work. Honestly, why would you want this person back in your life anyways? Unless she takes time to heal properly and change for the better, the same behavior will be repeated over and over again. Just to avoid and mask the pain. The truth always comes out, and so does the pain.

[Jondwnr]

Endy hey man! Well she is realizing now that he is what be seems(mostly cause of his immaturity) I'm guessing she was just hungup on my and transfer her true feelings to him...

 

But this is only a theory, i will only know once we start talking again(very soon)

And also I'm not naive or oblivious, I'm not going to go full speed into this, I'm taking it slow if she indeeds wants to reconcile. I know I have to finish my healing and that she needs significant healing as well or it's gonna be doomed no matter what.

[DigitalSpy]

As the Dumpee:

(I wanted her back the whole time)

 

Well I made all the classic mistakes after a 3 year relationship! I was weak, and boy did she know it...every time I saw her I just messed up. So we ended up not talking for a month, we then decided to try and be just friends. Things were going quite well we really enjoyed each others company, but I knew what I really want. Anyway she started getting a little close to me, laying accross me even asking for foot rubs/ back massages at times to which I said "we are just friends, I cant do that any more" as you would expect she went a little quiet and felt quite awkward.

 

I knew at this point I had a good chance, so I just kept enjoying her company and it naturally progressed. Until I took the plunge (I was the dumpee) I picked up an Indian and a bottle of wine. Packed in a bag and asked if we could go out on her boat, when we got to the boat she asked what was in my bag..so I explained it was my camera in case we saw any good wildlife, she moaned at me saying I should have told her to get hers as well and we laughed it off... We got out into the broads and moored up. At which point I took everything out she got a little tearfull (tried fighting them back), and I explained that I wanted us to give things another shot, so we did. We had a great afternoon, probably one of the best times I had ever spent with her, everything felt new and exiting again.

 

But it was NC and me getting on with my life that got her interested all over again.

[Jondwnr]

Digital was this recent?

How long did you guys last after trying again?

Congrats

[DigitalSpy]

This was a while ago now. We spent 4 months apart in which time I had genuinely focussed on my own life, and she on hers.So when we got back together we didn't repeat the same problems and had a successful relationship for another year, but unfortunately a change in circumstances/ outside influences pulled us apart and put a lot of stress on us. This ultimately lead to another break up. I honestly feel that without these outside influences we would not have broken up again, I guess I will never know!

 

But that's life, you have to play the cards you have been dealt ...

 

Digital was this recent?

How long did you guys last after trying again?

Congrats

[endy]

JD are you seeing any pattern here with reconciliation and then the relationship being successful? This is why we said what we said yesterday. It is a TON of work, and usually it ends in breakup again. We are just making you aware of the possibility that the same thing may happen again.

 

It doesn't mean that it can't happen, and that it can't be successful. It is just rare.

[Jondwnr]

I see that relationships never last, unless you work at them and grow from your experiences.

 

You know ever since I have joined this site I've got plenty of good information, BUT now all I think about is these RULES and guidelines its driving me crazy!!and it's going against everything I'm thinking. I know that not all of these guidelines should be used in every situation and I'm wondering why can't a couple work on themselves while within a relationship especially if they are committed in doing this?? I see couple all the time work on it during the relationship and seemed to be getting along fine. Life isn't meant to be perfect and neither is a relationship.

 

So my question is why can't a couple accept each others flaws and help them fix themselves?(while in a relationship)

 

I think this happens all the time, I'm going crazy trying to figure out what I'm doing right and wrong.

If I can set up a relationship with an ex I believe I'm just going to see how this works. If i fail then I know it won't work and learn from my own experiences. If I succeed(it depends on if I'm happy with the outcome) then I will suggest this to others.

[Jondwnr]

I feel fake and feel like I'm being controlled by following these guidelines!!

[endy]

Then stop following them. You are your own person, and that's the only way you learn. You are going to do what you feel is best for you, and if that is what you feel you should do then do it. There is a hidden message here also.

[GotMyLifeBack]

This is one of the most useful posts I've come accross. Friends, regardless of whether your ex is in a relationship that could be classified as a rebound, be kind to yourself by remembering that your ex has free will and has his/her own plans, and they may not include you. If you've been dumped, there's no clearer way your ex could say that you are NOT part of his/her plans. Let you ex go with love. Respect the space your ex has asked for, step back, and allow your ex to experience life without you. If your ex has jumped into a rebound relationship and you haven't, then YOU are the healthier one, the more centered one, and thus the more desirable one.

[sweetgirl15]

Thank you!

[Jondwnr]

What exactly is the hidden message?

[endy]

Selfishness is not part of love.

[Kristylynn]

Wow I really like your answer R41N! I know it helped me alot...

[RABDZOMBIES]

Oh I'm not going to do anything stupid, I'm a very logical and stable individual. This is just a roadbump that could of been avoided(thinking with my genitalia instead of my head) and I'm also a very determinded guy. When i see something is in reach I'm going to get it(has nothing to do with ego). In this case i had a really good life and I ruined it with someone I love, because of lust! I've learned from my mistakes and it has made me a better person.

 

I am confident that I will eventually get her back the right way and come back to tell you all as well as to help you all with your situations.

 

Dude... I am having the same problem as you man...Really looking forward to hearing your story!

[Jondwnr]

Endy: that is very true I'm experiencing that and it's actually helping me knowing that.

 

Zombies: well I have a thread you can Check out for my full story.

What is going on now is her grandfather was dying woni told her to cancel our "meeting" and so I told her I'd be there for her and her family so I've been sleeping at her house since Tuesday. She has been bad(just depressed and crying)but the last 3 days she has been flirting with me more than she ever did even when we were dating(I'm not thinking this is anything cause of what I previously did). Basically we were drinking and I went in for a kiss and connected then it made it awkward for a couple hours then we she started the extreme flirting I previously mentioned.

I have been there for her since Tuesday and she told me she appreciated it and really means a lot. I have still made a couple early mistakes like making myself vulnerable, but I'm over that. I don't know the future and I'm ok with that now. I'm starting to accept everything she does as friendly and it doesn't bother me if she wants me or not...

But some good news is she really opened up to me and told me something she only told her boyfriend.

 

I will tell more once it happens

[WeightOffChest]

I just wanted to bump this post because this is what I've been looking for in terms of comfort and motivation to keep improving.

 

I'm the dumper, but feel like a dumpee because she rejected my attempts to get her back. She's in a rebound relationship. She's often acknowledged that she just wants to see where it goes with him and still misses me. I've stepped out of the picture in a passionate yet dignified way and initiated NC with her. This rebound is not her type at all (well, I'm her type I guess since we've been together for so long), so I hope it doesn't last too long. And in that case, right now, I'm hoping I can post a successful reconciliation story (but we'll see if that's even the right option).