dealing with breakup when NC not really an option

[tacs1895]

Hi everyone, this is my first post.

 

After a bit advice on how to proceed in my situation with my ex. Mainly to do with how much contact to have at this stage of things. The basic premise is that NC is not really a long term option, because our lives are very intertwined socially and professionally.

 

Summary of breakup: good friends for a year and a half, then got together and lasted for three years, including living together in the final year. It was pretty out of the blue, although of course there were warning signs. But I felt they were things that were the problems that every long term relationship faces, rather than things that were going to lead to it ending. Her call to end it, lots of lines like "I love you but I feel we've lost something", "maybe one day we can find each other again". She said she she really loved me, but she didn't feel attracted to me. Not to do with looks, or how quality of sex, but just the attraction. A big part of it is to do with my self confidence and lack of inner "fire". There were other issues too, which maybe we could have dealt with a bit better with better communication, but these were the "work-outable" things. The core issue I think was about the attraction. The break up also made me confront a whole load of things about myself that I'm dissatisfied with (which I think is also part of the break up - the old thing about if you don't love yourself and feel confident in yourself than you can't expect someone else to love you or be attracted to you).

 

So I do still harbour hopes for reconciliation. But I can see that it's not going to happen soon, and that even if it did it probably wouldn't be very successful. Both of us need to work on ourselves for sure. She talked about not really knowing what she wants any more and needing to work it out for herself. And I believe that time on her own will be good for her, because she has never really been single or alone for a long period of time. (Assuming she does indeed stay on her own... but if she gets together with someone else there's nothing I can do about it, as painful as that will be.) For me, I am facing up to my issues and trying to do the things in my life that I've always wanted but not managed to do. I've also started some therapy to work on where my issues come from and help me to become the person I want to be. Therefore, I do want to get back together, but I know that it's not going to be any time soon.

 

My main problem now is with filling my time. Because of the nature of my job, I have FAR too much time on my own to dwell on things. These are the times when I get very down, think about what went wrong and why etc, etc. And I worry that it'll be no time at all before she's with someone else, and if only we could blah blah blah. Clearly this isn't very healthy. I've made efforts to fill my time with new things, started dance classes etc. I also went travelling on my own for two weeks, which was a big deal for me, at times great fun, at times intensely sad and lonely, but all in all a good experience. I see my friends as much as possible, but this isn't always easy - my closest and oldest friends work very different times and routines to me, so it's hard to see them sometimes. Meanwhile other friends are mostly mutual friends with my ex, so I've had to cut down on the amount that I see them in order to maintain space with my ex.

 

Our lives were very closely intertwined. We work in the same field, have many mutual friends and did lots of activities together. I have had to temporarily leave some of those activities in order for us to have some space. But the problem is, those things are exactly the kinds of things I most want to be doing at this point in order to lead a busy life. (Without going into details, they are not activities that I can just give up forever and replace with other things, they are an important part of my life socially, professionally, spiritually, creatively). So I'm at this dilemma of how much of those things to do, and how much contact to have. At this point we have been split up for two and a half months, of which the last month was NC. I'm aware that having contact again could simply just keep me feeling miserable. But at the same time, what is also keeping me down is having too much time on my own, and having to avoid doing things I want to be doing just for the sake of NC.

 

For these reasons, NC is not a feasible long term strategy for me. In any case, I don't fully agree with the concept of NC as a "technique" for getting someone back, although I do agree with its value in helping you have time and space to focus on yourself. But NC for me would mean giving up too much of my life which is the life I want to be living. So LC is the only option. I have read some people's thoughts on LC and can see the merits of how it could work in getting someone back. But that's almost not really the point right now. It's more that having had one month of NC, I'm worried that seeing her again will interfere with my own healing. I know that this period needs to be about focussing on myself, and I am really doing my level best to do it. The question is whether I can do it while maintaining LC. I feel I have to find a way, because NC is not a practical long term solution, but I'm nervous about whether I can handle it. Even two and a half months after the breakup, I'm still incredibly sensitive about it. Maybe I still need NC for my own good. But then given that I'm struggling to fill my time, maybe I also need to go back to doing some of those other things, which in turn will mean some form of LC, which in turn might stop me focussing on myself...... see the cycle I'm into here?!?

 

Any advice appreciated! I guess I'm not so much after advice on "how" to get back together - I know there's no exact way, that I must simply work on myself and if it happens then great and if it doesn't then I'll still be in a better place. I'm more just in a daze over how actually to deal with things right here and now, given the circumstances in my particular situation....

 

thanks

[NCforME]

I would like to know this too, as all of our friends are the same. Already we have had to split friends on the weekend. I know this really can't continue with out the loss of some longtime friends. In someways i feel pressured to be her friend again for the sake of the group but I just don't think it could ever happen. I think the best thing you can do is just act cordial when you do see them but you don't necessarily have to get into a conversation with them.

[zaza34]

I am also dealing with a bit similar situation, it s not easy, but you have to try no contact! You have to be strong! After staying in no contact for a month you will feel stronger, and maybe more appealing in her eyes! Beside that you really need time on your own, both of you need to solve things... What to do during nc? If you have a hobby, just focus more on that, or find a hobby, or learn new things, anything just keep yourself busy!!! I for example started jogging it was hard, I am not a sportive but calms me down, keeps in shape, so that is a good thing I do it every day! Again, I started to learn a new language, also nice, met new people we even go out for a drink sometimes, I have a hobby, I do lot of volunteer vork, I recently joined this forum, so I am keeping myself busy, meanwhile improving myself, because that is the main reason, to become somebody better, not just be busy... But first of all you do all these stuffs for you, not for her!!! So, when you feel better and stronger you might contact her, show her that you are stronger, calmer etc. at least that is what I would like to see of my ex, that he will show up calm, strong, mature showing to me that he is ready to work this time for a more stable relationship... Well, that is kind of just my dream, because i guess this is not going to happen but I don t mind that, because I managed to be stronger, I feel like I built something on my own after we broke up, so I will go on... And you will also be more calm, you will see...

[PaintWithLight]

First, NC is not a strategy for getting someone back, it is a strategy for getting YOU back. And yes, it is a valid option for you. All dumpees who hope for a reconciliation will argue that NC will not work for them. Granted it is complicated when you share friends, work in a shared professional field, etc. But I have done NC when my ex worked in the same building so do not tell me it cannot be done.

 

If you happened to run into her then deal with it quickly and professionally. But the core of NC is to quit spending energy and hope by trying to keep some kind of connection alive. In your case, you will have to be a bit creative but do not use the excuse of your life situation, this is the chance to change patterns and habits. Think outside the box. How can you become your true self and avoid contact with her?

 

You can do this. There is a ton of support and great advice on NC on the boards. Your situation is not the unique or impossible. Good luck.

[tacs1895]

Thanks for the responses. I'm not trying to use my life situation as an excuse to maintain a connection. What I'm saying is that NC is forcing me to sacrifice things in my life which are very important to me, right at the time when I need to be doing those things the most. My friends have said to me that I should try and do them, that it's not fair for me to have to miss out on those things. My worry is that seeing her will make me feel worse. So I'm not trying to find an excuse to maintain the connection, I'm trying to find a way that I can do the things that I want to do for myself, even if that means having to see her. Hence LC not NC.

 

I've had a month of NC. In that time, I've missed some amazing experiences which I've had to sacrifice in order to have some space. And I'm really sad about having missed them. I'm not prepared to keep missing out on those things indefinitely. So essentially it's a question of weighing up the costs of NC (missing out on things that are important to me at a time in my life when I need them most) versus the costs of LC (is seeing her going to make me feel worse or stop me feeling better?).

 

I'm not trying to say that my situation's unique or use my life situation as an excuse. But there are plenty of examples of life situations which make NC impossible on a long term basis. The most obvious example would be when children are involved. You wouldn't tell someone to not see their kids just to maintain NC after a break up. My situation doesn't involve children, but it does involve things in my life which are incredibly important to me and which I don't want to have to sacrifice.

[PaintWithLight]

Okay. I still hear a lot exaggerated thinking and rationalizations. What amazing experiences have you missed? How do you know they would have been amazing since you did not participate? And if you did miss some events, no worries. This is just a temporary situation. It is like much of life. If a person was cramming for their Masters, they would missed a few events. When lived overseas, they missed a few events as well. We are talking about a short period of time here: 6 - 8 months to get yourself squared away.

 

In the meantime, you have a whole future of amazing experiences that are waiting for you to discover them. You skip the wedding that she will be attending and instead go deep sea fishing with a buddy. You avoid having your usual nightcap at the bar she visits and instead, end up discovering a wonderful new place with has an even brighter and comforting feel.

 

All I am saying is that the glass is not half empty, it is half full. And you can top it up with great new contacts, experiences and locations that are just waiting for you to discover them. Remember this is a period of growth and self renewal. Cutting back on some of the "same ole, same ole" is not aways a bad thing. It creates a void which allows new people and experiences to flow into your life.

 

I am pulling for you. Change your mind set from that of "missing out" to that of "ready to discover" and it will make all the difference. Good luck.

[dramallama]

I think if you are honest with yourself you would realise that you are using those "experiences" as a way of clinging onto your ex and keeping in touch. I mean, unless you have children, (and even THEN it's possible to do NC with a little bit of modification), there is no excuse for you not to go into NC.

[tacs1895]

I didn't really want to post this much detail in case someone I know reads this, but I guess the risk is quite small. So....

 

I'm a musician. Music is the most important thing in my life. Because we often work together, I've had to take the step of turning down some performance opportunities. Some of these things will come around again, but some won't, and it's hard to miss out on them. For example, coming up soon is the opportunity to go on tour with a living legend, a personal hero of mine, who is old and won't be around for much longer. So for me, it is literally a once in a lifetime opportunity. It's true, I don't have to do it. But I will be incredibly disappointed not to. I have temporarily left the group that is doing the tour, and already missed out on several concerts, but there is also a risk I could lose my place in it longer term if I stay away too long, the music business is pretty cut-throat and there is always someone to take your place. So there is a professional issue there as well. (Not to mention the money - this is paid work, and how I make my living. But this is less crucial, I can handle being a bit less well off for a while if needs be.)

 

I'm aware that it could seem like making an excuse to keep in contact. But I've thought about it and tried to question myself, and I don't think it is that. I've had plenty of opportunities so far when I could have used it but I've been strong, made sacrifices and missed out in order to have some NC. And yes, out of that have come other opportunities which were good things (e.g. the travelling I mentioned in my original post, which I wouldn't normally have had time to do). But there comes a point when I also feel I should be doing the things that I want to do, solely because I want to do them. This is the argument my friends and family have made, that it's not fair for me to miss out. My therapist has also nudged me in the direction of at least having a go (after all, I can always return to NC if it doesn't work out). He is careful obviously not to make any decisions for me, but he has encouraged me to make a decision, so that I can then get on with whatever that decision involves, rather than being in a constant dilemma about it.

 

Also, sorry if it seems like I'm just stubbornly disagreeing with whatever you say! It's useful to have as many perspectives as possible, which is why I posted here as well as talking with friends, family, therapist. Even if we end up agreeing to disagree, it's still helpful for me to have this discussion, to think things through. And I appreciate you're trying to help of course, so thank you.

[PaintWithLight]

Okay, so we are dealing with a Fleetwood Mac situation here. If that is the case, then set some very firm boundaries and a time limit for how long you will continue to straddle this uncomfortable situation. Just be aware that continued contact comes at a cost to your peace of mind and a risk of relapse. I truly wish you the best of luck.

[tacs1895]

Thanks. I'll still undecided, I kind of switch between one thing and the other. As I mentioned though, my therapist was encouraging me to make a decision one way or the other, so that there is at least some certainty about how to proceed. What you say about firm boundaries ties in with that, and is very sensible. There's nothing happening for a week or two yet, so if I do decide to do it, then I have a bit of time to prepare myself mentally for it.

[rapunzel]

I can relate as I'm in a band with a guy I dated (and fell for) after I left a long term relationship. It has been incredibly painful and challenging. We met four years ago when I joined the group and 2.5 years ago he ended things for the second time. We had one brief reconciliation but that's been it. Despite people telling me I needed to quit, I stayed for the career opportunities (also performing with several legends, something that would not have happened had I quit) and also I did not want to give him that much power over me. It's been tough because I'd had to 'act as if' and if I was friendly to him and smiled at him, he'd think I was flirting - which one time prompted him to drag me out for a walk and tell me how guilty he felt, and how he hoped we could hang out together but he was not suggesting romantic rekindling. Ugh, just because at a gig I briefly smiled at him from accross the stage - for chrissakes I was having a good time and it totally weirded him out to the point where he felt he had to reject me AGAIN. So then I would ignore him, not say hello, not say goodbye, I never initiate anything and frankly, it still sucks. It is OK when there are other people in the band around, that is really the only time I speak with him - when others are in on the conversation. He never asks me about my life, and I never ask him about his.

 

So was it worth staying? It's hard to say. I did have fun, and I did play with world famous musicians but at this point, I think I want to quit anyway - I'm turning 50, I'm tired, I can't take the volume of the band anymore and I'm sick of trying to look young and hot onstage. I am proud of myself that I stayed but I definitely suffered, seeing him with other women at shows and such. I was super strong and I stuck with something I wanted to do and I think after this year, I am just feeling kind of "done" and will most likely leave the group. Maybe I'll get into a chorus or acoustic music or something...to stay musically involved. And yes, a big yes - it will be a huge relief to get away from him - completely.

The longest period of no contact we have had was about 5 weeks, and that was physical no contact. There was always some band business in an email, etc. I have to say, I felt great at the end of those 5 weeks and then when I saw him again, all the feelings returned. I do think that it's difficult to have a successful reconciliation when you work together as musicians because there is not enough time for the ex to miss you and miss what you had and it's tough to keep up that "front" and interact normally.

 

Oh, and he said the same things to me that your ex said to you upon breaking up....

 

Whatever you decide, it's the right decision for you at this time. If you don't want to give up your performing/career opportunities for her, then don't do it. I was always afraid I would have deep regrets which is another reason I stayed. I do think I did the right thing, as I know I would have kicked myself for leaving. And you always have the option of going into full NC if you need to.