Ladies, Could you forgive this?

[snorklecookie]

A guy who vehemently opposes cheating and wears his integrity like a badge of honor gets drunk one night. Without intention he drinks to the point of blackout. He awakes the following morning wondering how he made it to his bed because his last recolection was from 10 pm the night before. He inlists the assistance of his companions from the night before to help fill in the void only to find a nightmare of details. Infidelity.

 

I ask all of you ladies out there to respond. Could you forgive this? If the truth was told from the start could you forgive and continue with this relationship?

[ComputerGuy]

Well I'm not a girl, but that one would bring up a plethora of views. It's a bit of tough one

[podpod]

I could probably forgive my boyfriend for getting blindly drunk and cheating, if he told me the truth straight away, and quit drinking completely. But at the same time, I couldn't blame alcohol for his behaviour entirely, so it would bring up some issues concerning our relationship and the whole event would take a bit of time to get over.

 

You can't erase what you did by lying about it. If you lie about it, it can only become worse. Alcohol can trigger good people to do bad things (cheating), and that CAN be forgivable, but this doesn't mean drinking and cheating is acceptable, it's not. But if you don't do it again, it can be sorted out and forgiven. BUT... lying about what you did... you can't blame that on anything except poor character, and I wouldn’t forgive that.

[Scout]

It's still cheating in my book, and no, I wouldn't forgive him because he "blacked out". Nor would I necessarily believe him if he said he blacked out, even if it was the truth. And if I did believe him, I would still probably leave him. He put himself in the situation to begin with, and he can't use alcohol as an excuse.

 

I'd like to ask you if this is the first time you've blacked out...generally, it's one of the warning signs of excessive alcohol abuse on a regular basis. I don't know if that's the case with you, but...this might be something you want to examine more closely.

[Roffler]

What if the person were drugged (obviously, not by choice) and then cheated, would you forgive them then? How do you put limits on forgiving a person, especially one so adament about their situation and position?

[tiger_lilies]

My ex was a heavy drinker and did exactly what you discribed in the first post. I tried my hardest to forgive him and we went through three months of hell trying to get over it, but alas, it didn'w work. I had no trust left for him. Forgiving someone for hurting you so exquisitly is one thing, but forgetting the incident is another.

 

Even if I had forgiven my ex, I wouldn't have forgotten. He ruined our relationship and even now, 5 months later, I still hurt tremendously from his poor choice of actions that night.

 

Forgive someone for cheating? No...I would and have not.

[sisterlynch]

It is almost impossible to answer completely as it is written, we are just shooting in the dark when we are answering this. One instance of cheating especially in a hypothetical situation should be forgivable in a healthy relationship. There are many proven methods of dealing with the situation, but forgive and forget is not one of them...

[Scout]

What if the person were drugged (obviously, not by choice) and then cheated, would you forgive them then? How do you put limits on forgiving a person, especially one so adament about their situation and position?

 

First of all, if a person is drugged, that is not their choice and they have been violated by someone else. I also am wondering what kind of drug you are referring to. Because if its the date rape drug (I forget the name of it) from what I understand the person is usually rendered unconscious, and I am having a hard time understanding how a guy could get it up if he's passed out. If it's exstacy (sp?) that they've been drugged with, well...I know that drug really loosens your inhibitions, but to the point where you absolutely can't tell the difference between right and wrong? Not sure about that. Plus, it would seem to me there would still be a lucid part of you inside that realizes you've just been drugged (again, if its exctasy, because the date rape drug knocks you out, so you don't realize anything going on).

 

The issue here is that the poster got ragingly drunk. That's different from the scenario you outlined in your post. The original poster put himself in an incredibly irresponsible position, period. He's got to face the consequences of that. I'm not saying he should confess what he did...but, at the very least, he needs to acknowledge to himself he put himself in that position. In my opinion, of course.

[Roffler]

You cannot defend one side and justify the other, that is what I was getting at. If a person is unconscious in one state and their actions are wrong, then in another state of unconsciousness, he or she is just as wrong in their actions.

I do not think an intoxicated or person out of their mind should be or can be held responsible for their actions. Based on where you live, the courts don't even think they should be. The SCC used an example stating something like when a person is mentally challenged, they are not held responsible, so why should a person who is in a state of less intelligence that one with a mental ailment be found culpable?

 

I take the same stance.

[Scout]

Roffler, according to what you say: an intoxicated person should not be held accountable for their actions.

 

Does this mean you think drunk drivers should not be held accountable for hit and run accidents?

 

Or what about a drunk parent hitting their child? Or a drunk man or woman hitting their spouse?

 

They're drunk, thereforeeee they shouldn't be held accountable for actions that are wrong?

[sisterlynch]

Alcoholism is itself a big problem. A person who is an alcoholic behaves differently when they are drunk and sober. If the guy is truly an upstanding citizen, then he shouldn't get so drunk that he thinks it is ok to mess with another woman. Drugs and alcohol aside, messing with another "person" is a moral issue. If he got drunk and said, I am drunk so I can do what I want, that to me is the essense of an alcohol addiction. He knows better than to mess with the woman in his normal resting state, so he gets so drunk that he can somehow stumble home, but somehow not remember where he'd just been the night before.

 

I also understand that alcohol in large enough doses takes a man's sex drive away and increases the woman's sex drive...that should be his excuse if he needs one, that he was infact taken advantage of by the woman!!

[Roffler]

Roffler, according to what you say: an intoxicated person should not be held accountable for their actions.

 

Does this mean you think drunk drivers should not be held accountable for hit and run accidents?

 

Or what about a drunk parent hitting their child? Or a drunk man or woman hitting their spouse?

 

They're drunk, thereforeeee they shouldn't be held accountable for actions that are wrong?

 

Correct. The person cannot form the mens rea necessary to commit the crime, solely the actus reus. In English, mens rea is the mindset, and actus reus is the actual action. A mental person lacks the mens rea, and if an intoxicated person is worse off than a mental person, of course they should not be held responsible.

[RayKay]

Roffler....

 

So, what you are saying is if someone is drunk, gets in their car, drives home and kills a family of four on the way, then they should not be held responsible? That is super. Let's regress back to days where there is no culpability whatsoever.

 

The reason they are GUILTY according to current law - whether driving drunk, whether it is beating their spouse, is because they were of the mental capacity to CHOOSE to drink knowing full well what the subsequent consequences of that action would be (mental impairment). Drinking does cloud ones judgement yes, but you know this going into it. thereforeeee if you drink, and your subsequent actions are harmful to another you are guilty.

 

So if you drink, cheat, and blame the drinking that is not a reason to get off lightly. So does that mean everytime you have a drink they can thereforeeee have reason to cheat again and blame it on the drinking - I mean they got away with it once. They chose to drink, and get themselves in that situation, had consequences and thereforeeee should change their actions. The original poster in this case may be able to forgive him, but ONLY if he shows/demonstrates change in his behaviour. Otherwise, he indeed is not being responsible for his actions.

[Roffler]

Roffler....

The reason they are GUILTY according to current law - whether driving drunk, whether it is beating their spouse, is because they were of the mental capacity to CHOOSE to drink knowing full well what the subsequent consequences of that action would be (mental impairment). Drinking does cloud ones judgement yes, but you know this going into it. thereforeeee if you drink, and your subsequent actions are harmful to another you are guilty.

 

They are guilty where you live. Not here. Here they can only be charged under HTA (highway traffic act) but not criminally charged. Note where I said based on where you live.

[RayKay]

Um..I live in Winnipeg, so I am up in Canada as well. While the laws do vary from province to province, there are some guidelines in place, and some stiff penalties. If you do kill someone, those penalties can be more severe. I doubt Ontario says "it is okay for someone to drive drunk". Many provinces add criminal convictions (like manslaughter charges) to the existing vehicle laws because they fall under separate sectors of government. Just because the DUI law does not charge murder, does not mean added criminal charges are not possible. Furthermore, the very fact that DUI's are seen as "illegal" is a demonstration of guilt - you ARE guilty of driving drunk whether someone dies or not.

 

link removed

[Roffler]

Living in Winnipeg, you'd know our Criminal Code is national then, so same laws apply to everyone, except motor vehicle laws, for some dumb reason. I'm persuing law, and have read through these many times. As soon as a person passes into the state of total intoxication (which is the stage just after they become extremely smart and philosophical), they are no longer responsible for their actions. I can cite many cases for you, that involve drunk driving, drunken rape, and various other circumstance.

 

I have a legal mind, which is the basis for my previous statements.

[RayKay]

Okay, then please explain to me how when someone gets drunk, and rapes someone, they are still prosecuted for rape (and in cases where there is enough evidence) guilty as well.

 

How is it when someone is drunk, and beats/kills someone else, they are still prosecuted. There have been cases here in my city in past few years where one young person I knew was killed outside the bar by some drunk peers. Guilty - every one of them.

 

You are forgetting that it is by the process of CHOOSING to drink, they are choosing to risk whatever happens after that. If you drive drunk, you will find yourself charged with drunk driving. They regardless of their intoxication, chose to drink, then drive and are guilty for doing so. The driving came after the fact of being drunk/intoxicated, so if you are not responsible for your actions when you have become intoxicated - why are they still charged.

 

I am not denying someone under influence of drugs/alchohol is not in their right state of mind, I am arguing that they made the CHOICE to get into that state, and thereforeeee are guilty of subsequent actions. One knows drinking and driving is "illegal". They drink, knowing that they can either drive and risk getting caught, or set up another way to get home. They choose while intoxicated, to still drive. Does not matter they were intoxicated in that situation, they still have free will and still made the choice.

[WOC]

Hi I know you are asking us ladies about this . But, what about yourself and deep down inside would you be able or are you able to forgive yourself ?

I would have to really take time to think before I answered this question.

WOC

[Mike_Wazowski]

Dude....No One gets so drunk that they don't remember having sex.

 

And if you were as 'Drunk' as you say you were, I doubt you could have performed anyways.....

 

Sex is a very memorable thing whether Sober or Totally Plastered....

 

I'm sure you had an idea as to what you were doing....And I'm sure somewhere deep down inside of you, you wanted to cheat, for whatever reason only you know.

 

Alcohol just gives people the courage to do something that they are to shy to do when they are Sober!

 

Good Luck Bro....I hope it works out for you!

[ava3131]

some women will forgive...depends on how serious a relationship is...but trust me it will linger in her mind forever...these types of situations never seem to get fully resolved,...I know, I have been there...

[candianeh2000]

if you weren't help accountable for your actions while drunk, then every suspect would claim drunkenness as an excuse for why they committed a crime rightly or wrongly. everyone on trial for murder would just say whether its true or not, that they got drunk and they dont even remember what happened. the law has to hold these people accountable as well it should. they chose to get drunk, whose fault is that?

 

Now if the person was somehow forced to get drunk or take drugs, then yes that would be very different. Would you forgive your bf/gf for "cheating" on you if they got raped? Of course you would, as this was not their fault. If they get drugged or drunk against their will and then cheat on you, (now here is where an additional question of whether or not you believe that the person actually was drunk /druggedand was forced to get drunk/drugged) well then that is not their fault.

 

I am sure the law would agree with me though the defense might have some difficulty demonstrating that the person actually was forced to be drugged. Anyway, thats a legal issue and is quite a tangent.