Thinking about breaking up.

[SpottiOtti]

Hey guys,

 

Need some input from people who don't know us.

 

We've been together a little over a year. We have had issues with his unreliability throughout the relationship; he falls asleep and stands me up. The last time it happened, we took a break. (He initiated it.) Then, four days later, he told me he was not thinking about ending the relationship; he just needed to think about things that were going on with him. I feel that he is not being honest with me about his motivation for taking the break. He doesn't communicate well. He will get upset with me about things, then not tell me until I drag it out of him because I can tell something's wrong.

 

I feel that he is not as invested in the relationship as me. I have tried to tell him that I need more contact, that I feel we are growing apart, but he still goes out and plays pool five nights a week and doesn't make plans with me. I told him that I would like more phone contact at least, if we can't see each other (our schedules are sort of opposite, and when I get off work at eleven I don't always feel like going to the pool hall), or more texts at least, and I have still felt for some time that I am the initiator on both matters.

 

Basically, we took a break a week ago, and I told him that I was feeling insecure about us because of it, and that I could really use some reassurance, and I feel like everything has gone back to the way it was, and that the break didn't accomplish anything. I feel like I don't understand what he wants out of this. I feel disconnected from him, and I'm starting to check out emotionally. I thought this could go somewhere but now I'm not sure. I don't know whether to cut my losses or keep trying to make it work with someone who doesn't understand me.

 

I'm just very confused. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense. A friend told me that he thought I had already made up my mind, but am backtracking because I'm scared. I don't know. I do still love my boyfriend, but I don't know if our differences in communication and relationship styles can be overcome. I don't feel like my boyfriend wants to even try anymore.

 

Any thoughts? Thank you all so much.

 

Spotti

[Happens4aReason]

I think you need to have a long straight talk with him about the issues you have written in this post.. Tell him that you love him but you are not quite confident of you guys, if this goes on the way it is.. Have a serious talk, take a couple of weeks apart to think about each other and then meet up and decide whether you want to continue from that step or part your ways and be single..

 

The important thing is that he should not be playing pool when you need him.. Talk to him about these in detail..

[DrKitten]

He doesn't sound mature enough to be in a relationship, quite frankly.

[Hollyj]

By standing you up, he is showing you that he disrespects you. By spending so much time with the friends he is showing you that you are a low priority. All you need to do is look at his actions to know where he places the relationship. You shouldn't have to beg someone to have contact and make an effort, his inaction shows that he does not want to make the effort.

 

Please reread your post, I think you will find your answer.

[guynextdoor]

He doesn't seem to reassure you when you are feeling insecure which should give you a big hint there. Shooting pool 5 days a wk? Thats a bit much unless thats his career.. Im not sure if having a serious talk would help much considering you emotionally checked out... GL

[SpottiOtti]

He does play pool a lot. I think he is rather addicted to it. Can you be addicted to pool? IDK.

 

I guess maybe he is too immature for me. We talked about moving in together too (of course, I was the one to bring it up), and he told me some BS about he wanted to save money first. Later, he told me that he just isn't ready. I guess all the actions I described in the post are enough to demonstrate that he really isn't into this anymore.

 

Sigh. I really thought this one was going somewhere. I just spent a year on this guy. I thought we had a stable base to rest on, and that our issues could be worked out while we rested on it. You know? Now I just have to move on . . .

 

Who does this? Who waits a year to figure out that someone is not compatible with them? Shouldn't I have figured this out a few months in? What's the matter with me?

 

Despair.

[SugarSkull]

It sounds like maybe you need to check out. Sounds awful: but you shouldn't waste your time on someone who doesn't understand you and who doesn't seem committed ( because he doesn't seem committed)

 

In the end that it will just be wasted time. If a break doesn't cause you guys to become closer and more invested, there is not much that will.

 

 

Talk to him seriously. Ask for the changes. Give him two weeks and then make a break for it.

[geekgirl4]

Woah, the standing you up and falling asleep issue sounds a lot like my ex. Whenever we plan a special date together and I tell him I'm really looking forward to it, he's shown up hours late. Half the time when we go on our one day of the week dates (since we don't see each other often), he'd be sleepy and out of it most of the time because he was up late the night before fooling around, so I would have to suggest a nap so I can at least get an hour of alertness for him at the end of the day. It wasted the precious time we had and I only had the choice of spending time with a zombie or spending a very small part of the day with a bf who's awake and alert. I didn't notice these things as much before, but after thinking about it and discussing it with friends - its pretty immature. I think your bf isn't ready for a relationship. You didn't notice it before because you were in love and you were happy. But with time, things you didn't notice before becomes clearer. I was the same. There were little things but I told myself they didn't matter. When things fall apart, those little things start to matter a lot more. It's not your fault - you loved him enough to overlook those and you just can't do it anymore : (

[PsychGirly]

I think you already know what you need to do and what's best for you, you're just hoping someone can talk you out of it because you don't want to believe that you have to end it.

 

I'm not normally one to jump to "Leave him!", but when you know your heart's not in it like it used to be and you're slowly drifting apart, a break didn't improve anything and he no longer cares to put any effort into making it work...then why stay?

 

At this point I think it's just a waste of your effort and time. It's okay to have problems in relationships, but you shouldn't ever find yourself begging and pleading for a little bit of attention and love--it's not much to ask for. He obviously has the time to hang out with the guys all week, he could easily dedicate a few hours to you if he wanted to.