It's killing me being so quiet and conservative.

[Hero_99]

I've been quiet all of my life. I'm sick of it. I'm tired of the lonliness I feel and the unsatidfaction in my interpersonal relationships.

 

I hate being so quiet all the time. It's like I don't ever have anything to add to the converstion and I end up just listening or using open ended questions.

 

Don't get me wrong that I have bad self-esteeme, I don't. I just want to interact with people and be accepted. I feel cheated by this way I act.

 

This has been going on my entire life. I am a very very aloof person and afraid of intimacy. When I was younger I would separate myself from everyone, and do things by myself even when I was invited. I would stay away from people that appeared to like me, especially girls.

 

For two whole years I didn't say anything to anyone except when I had to.

 

I feel like I am all work and no play. I don't know how to have fun and kill myself being serious.

 

Just today I was out with two friends at the local pool, one of them invited two girls to come swim.

 

I said absolutly nothing to them except for a few occasions, though I did tease them some.

 

Well, when we were leaving I was heading out to my car, and one of the girls decided to get a llittle sarcastic.

 

She said "Hi, how are you doing" in this small small voice..

 

I knew what she ment by that... I didn't say a whole lot to her and just left in my car.

 

Tonight just really irkes me. There is something, some feeling, inside of me that just wants to come out and it's like I can't let it. I don't know why I withhold it I always do. It hurts to withhold it actually, but I always have.

 

I hate to complain, I'm actually rather angry right now at the way my life has gone. I don't know what to do. I'm far too conservative...

[JuJu]

All I can say is...JUST LET IT OUT!!! You don't have to be how you are if you don't want to. You sound like a nice guy, you don't have to be over talkative or act conceded, but let it out once in a while. I bet it would feel good and do you wonders. What influenced you to be so quiet and conservative your whole life??? And, what is there to be afraid of? I'm just afraid that you might end up having regretted being this way if you don't DO something about it SOON! Are your friends this way? Maybe go out once in a while, try to meet new people. (Girls!!) You're still young and there is always time to do something about it, so JUST DO IT!

[sayer7]

It sounds like you're afraid of being yourself, and being an authentic self-- someone who is truly unique.

 

I've ALWAYS had this problem too but in the last year I feel I've really come out of my shell and learned how to enjoy myself. I think part of what's helped me was learning what makes me different from other people and learning to accept who I am, my unique talents and skills, learning it's ok to feel... well... happy. A lot of us are afraid of happiness and the responsibility that comes with just knowing what makes us happy in life and going after it. We'd prefer to just have others tell us what makes them happy and conform to their happiness hoping that it will someday make us happy also. That's not the route to our own happiness and in the end we feel miserable.

 

I also started keeping a journal... and the first thing I did was go back in time to when I was a child and looking at events and situations where I felt the most happy- what I was doing, how I was feeling, why I was feeling so good. If you bring that forward to the present time, ask yourself what am I doing now that is aligned with what made me feel happy then?... and often I found that what I was doing today was completely different than what was making me truly happy as a child and that was why I was miserable. I learned to do more things today that were more aligned to what made me happy as a child and it really helped me find more happiness in my life.

 

I guess it's the process of rediscovering that inner child and learning to accept who that child is and what makes them happy in order to remember what would make you happy today in the present.

 

Hope this helps....

[mr sad]

Booze, booze, booze and more booze

 

im also like u in the way that i dont say too much. but apparently im a much more of a socialable person when im drunk. alcohol gives u a big hit of confidence in talking to ppl ... especially the ladies.

release ur anger appropritely, join a gym or a karate class.

 

only u can change how u r. make yourself

[Mun]

Hi there,

You know you can always change your life around. You can actually re-invent yourself. You just have to believe in it. If you say "tomorrow I will try to talk to my friends more" then go out and do it. Take baby steps. Change is hard and you can't rush into it. You shouldn't. Try to do one new thing each day or each week at least.

 

The last time I felt I was stuck in a rut I went down to a local radio station and participated in a singing contest on the air. I was nervous but it was alot of fun. I didn't win the grand prize ( concert tickets), but I did win a prize.

 

Sometimes you just have to step out of your shell and have fun.

[out_of_context]

hero99 - that girl who said "Hi, how are you doing" sarcastically is a fake person. If I throw a stone, i'd probably hit someone like her or her. She's making socializing out to be a competition of who says more or who puts up a better pretense. If you didn't feel comfortable, i imagine somewhere you sensed the people around you, the girls, were playing the game of who is more social which made you quiet. If you have something to say or contribute you'd say it. Few people in social settings talk completely honestly, so if you do reveal your authentic self, you'd be putting your heart out there. Don't do it! Instead, make it a point to know interesting, but light facts or topics - the news, entertainment, beer & sex statisics, jokes etc. I didn't like you sympathizing with the dumb girl (i.e. "I knew what she meant by that...I didn't say a whole lot to her and just left in my car"). Did she say a whole lot to you? What she did was wrong, and cowardly. Don't let dumb people's words make inroads into your consciousness.

[Hero_99]

One thing I hate to be called is a nice guy. I don't necessarily conform to other people. In fact, I am emotionally a sharer (give and take when I want not by impulse). Sometimes I agree and sometimes I don't.

 

My mother tells me that I act the same way as my father always has, and he is an alcoholic. I have sworn off alsohol because it causes more harm then good. It's better to face your problems sober than in a screwed up drug enduced reality in my opinion.

 

I think some of it has to do with my father and step-father.

 

My father never had any respect for things I was interested in and always wanted me to be this perfect worker. In many ways he was a good father, but I think that maybe he thought I should be a certain way instead of allowing me to follow my own path.

 

My step-father didn't give a crap about me and actually secretly wanted to get rid of me. I think he was even worse about trying to get me to do things for his own means and he puhished me in worse ways than my real father.

 

I hate the way adults use their children to get things for them and tack all these expectations to them. Screws them over into becoming a bunch of subservient nitwits who can't fend for themselves.

[JuJu]

Sorry for calling you a nice guy, nex time I'll reconsider before giving someone a compliment. I don't think that alcohol ("booze") is the answer either.

And guess what Hero? You're all grown up and you don't have to follow the path of your dad or step dad, you're your own perso and can go down whatever path you choose. Its up to you.

And if you think that parents just screw kids over, then guess what else? It only works if the kids let them, especially when it follows them into adulthood.

I agree with out_of_context about the girl being wrong with what she said. She was playing a game and trying to put you on the spot. You obviously don't like to be treated like that. But like I said before...Just let it out. Good Luck.

[Hero_99]

Sorry for calling you a nice guy, nex time I'll reconsider before giving someone a compliment.

 

That depends, if a guy says that to another guy it's an insult and normally means he will get taken advantage of by other men. When a girl says it she could be looking at the fact that he is strong, but tolerable.

 

 

So, for a girl to say a guy is nice it may not be an insult.

[little242]

I know this sounds stupid but hey go with the flow.

Instead of running away from sarcastic people stay calm realize that you are smart too make a snide comment back.

Just loosen up a little.

Don't be so hard on yourself, there's a lot to be admired for being a serious worker.

Perhaps someone in your past made you feel guilty for having fun, maybe not but your grown up now on your own have some fun.

Talk to a counselor or a good friend about ways to help you loosen up, trust their judgment and don't be critical of them or yourself.

Lifes too short.

Once you relax a little it'll take time but all will come to you in the end.

Take care

 

[bzborow1]

Hi hero,

 

Let me tell you I know EXACTLY how you're feeling, I used to be and still am a little like you are now. The quick background was that I was always shy and as a teen my mom had brain surgery and a stroke.....put me more into a shell. What brought up the similarity is this quote:

 

My mother tells me that I act the same way as my father always has, and he is an alcoholic. I have sworn off alsohol because it causes more harm then good. It's better to face your problems sober than in a screwed up drug enduced reality in my opinion.

 

I used to think that way, if ppl go out and drink to have a good time I thought less of them....like they were immature in some way. This attitude keeps you from interacting, and ends up putting YOU behind on the maturity (socially) scale. I understand your history with your dad and that's quite commendable that you would swear off drinking, but the tone of that little blurb makes me think you are putting ppl who drink (even just socially) down.

 

The other reason I say this is because you seemed to overreact about that woman who teased you. You seemed to suggest that she's putting you down somehow. Did you think perhaps she finds it cute? Seems interested in opening up the shy guy?

 

How to move forward? Well are you only shy around women? Women you're interested in? Everyone?

 

For the women part, if you want to get better, I think you should lookat the long term. What I mean is to just practise! Next time you're out walk up to a couple of women and force yourself into a conversation. You could even start by actually walking up to a woman and say something like,

 

"Hi! My name is <___> and I'm performing an exercise

to eliminate the fear of approaching women whom I find

attractive." "Thanks for participating!"and walk away.

 

Now if you're having trouble holding a continuous conversation, I think that's part shyness, but also part confidence. For myself I was shy because I didn't think anything I said was actually interesting to other ppl, that I wasn't giving THEM enough credit.

 

Just some thoughts..

 

Bill

[Hero_99]

My mother tells me that I act the same way as my father always has, and he is an alcoholic. I have sworn off alsohol because it causes more harm then good. It's better to face your problems sober than in a screwed up drug enduced reality in my opinion.

 

I used to think that way, if ppl go out and drink to have a good time I thought less of them....like they were immature in some way. This attitude keeps you from interacting, and ends up putting YOU behind on the maturity (socially) scale. I understand your history with your dad and that's quite commendable that you would swear off drinking, but the tone of that little blurb makes me think you are putting ppl who drink (even just socially) down.

 

 

No, it's the other way around. I think people who drink put themselves down. The way people feel and act when they are drinking is not reality.

 

The other reason I say this is because you seemed to overreact about that woman who teased you. You seemed to suggest that she's putting you down somehow. Did you think perhaps she finds it cute? Seems interested in opening up the shy guy?

 

Personally, I think she might have liked me. She did say it a bit sarcastically, but it seemed rather warm hearted and I couldn't really tell why she was saying it other than that she noticed I was quiet.

[Mun]

Hi Hero,

I want to understand something. Are you saying you want to have better relationships with other people but are afraid of intimacy? Is that what you think is going on?

 

I can see how you would feel that your relationships with your father and step father affected you. How is your relationship with your mother? Do you think she let you down? or betrayed you in some way?

[Hero_99]

Hi Hero,

I want to understand something. Are you saying you want to have better relationships with other people but are afraid of intimacy? Is that what you think is going on?

 

I can see how you would feel that your relationships with your father and step father affected you. How is your relationship with your mother? Do you think she let you down? or betrayed you in some way?

 

I think in a way I have been betreyed by my whole extended family, but I don't think that it would be wise to blame them for everything that happened in my life even though I think most of my problems are related to their poor choices.

 

I really didn't want to leave my father when my grandparents basically paid for the seperation of my parent. What I really needed was a good role-model. Instead I just sort of grew up not really caring about myself or anything. I didn't do anything or have very many friends.

 

MY mother always use to wonder what happened to me after they split. She said I use to be so neat, clean, and organized. Everything went chaotic after that.

[Mun]

Hi there,

I agree with you about not wanting to blame others and looking within for the cause of our problems.

 

I will tell you though, that when we are younger and we see that the people we care about don't seem to care about us ...we develop walls. We find defense mechanisms like telling ourselves "well I don't care anyway." The problem with this is that while it keeps us from really feeling the pain of being neglected or abandoned it starts to become a reality. We tell ourselves " well I don't really care if people like me" or "I don't really care if I don't have a relationship" and we end up pushing others away. The truth is we do care ... we do need other people and we want good relationships.

 

This might be why you started being more careless about yourself. You felt no one cared about what happened to you and so you stopped being so neat and organized. You stopped caring about yourself.

 

I think you should look into counseling. The people that were important in your life let you down. They became so focused on themselves and sort of left you to fend for yourself. This is very difficult when you're growing up and does leave scars that you have to deal with as an adult. I hope you will consider therapy.

[mr sad]

hello again.

i was the one who first suggested alcohol. i now understand that it has a history in your past. it has a history in mine also, i lost my grandfather due to alcohol. it did turn me against it until i tried it.

what i was trying to say before is that it helped me come out of my shell also. ppl used to see me as the scary goth kid who said nothing and interacted only with his other goth friends.

alcohol acts as a boost to self confidence. it wont fix ur problems long term i understand but i spose if ur looking to have a happy night then i spose its the trick.

i myself thought of therapy as an option to help solve my problems. but i thought that it would shame me more reaching out and telling a complete stranger all my problems.

 

there is one man who may be able to help you. Tony Robbins.

he has helped me change my life from being a dark lonely boring person to the type of person i want to be. independent, kinda interesting and someone that ppl can talk to. im not exactly the person i want to be but ill get there.

 

note down the things that u dislike about yourself then look for ways that you could improve them.

like what i did. i joined a gym to improve my figure. this has helped me heaps, cos its not always me who has to start conversations. some girls come and talk to me.

 

its good to hear that ur not wanting to blame others. but that will only be beating urself up. look for fixes and not where to send the blame

we cant always do all that we want to alone, some times we need help from others. its good to see that uve taken the first step by writing in this forum.

i bid you good luck and i hope that what i have typed is of some use to you.

 

you are important, you do matter

[bestfootforward]

do yu have any hobbies or interests?

 

I'm not saying go get some because you can't just go get some, but I'm interested as my ex-GF had very few and she was quiet and found people difficult sometimes.