Next move?

[MrBrightside15]

My girlfriend and I broke up in January. Recently, we have been getting closer again. We had a night about three weeks ago where we put it all on the table and talked about how much we miss each other. If anything happens, it's going to have to happen slowly. The next couple weeks we talked on the phone often. This week, I called her on Monday and asked her to go with me to a concert. At first, she was really hesitant and said let me think about it. About twenty minutes later, she texted me and said let's go get ice cream. I thought she was going to turn me down under the guise of ice cream. She offered to come pick me up, and when we got there, we ended up having a great time. She let her guard down for the first time and let herself have fun around me. Apparently, this was a kind of test for her to see if she can be comfortable with me, and then agreed to go to the concert with me.

The concert was later this week, so I picked her up. She wasn't quite ready, so I went up to her apartment to wait. While I was waiting for her, she was very relaxed around me and we even flirted a little bit with some glitter (sounds silly, I know). At the concert, we had a great time together. She let me put her arm around her during the slow songs, and we danced during the upbeat songs. Then, during the last song, she let me hold her and slow dance with her.

When I dropped her off, she told me thank you so much for a great night, and that she had a lot of fun. She was very friendly and smiley, so I tried for a kiss, but she wouldn't.

 

So I would like to know what my next move is. Do I stay away and let her make the next move? That seems so difficult - to stay away when it seems like I'm getting closer. I've made it clear that I'm not interested in just being friends, and she agrees, so I don't think that is going on. I should also mention she has been very casually seeing this other guy. Or at least she was, I guess I haven't asked her about it in awhile.

[Jade CN]

you know how you mentioned about going slow?! keep it slow, right now she is in the driver seat let her step on the accelerator when she feels like it. Right now it feels like she is hitting the gas pedal and breaking. Just sit back and see what she says next. Don't put any pressure on her.

 

I am in a somewhat similar situation. Just lay low but be ready to hear the worst.

[Deejmonster]

It seems like the door isnt closed. Your next steps should be very well thought out and very gentle. IMO.. you have a chance at winning her over again. Forget the other guy right now. If you dont it will become about winning her away from him.. and not winning her back because you want her genuinely. Don't act masculine or jealous when she speaks of him. Keep cool. As of now, I dont think you made a single mistake yet. You may be kicking yourself because of the kiss fail.. but from what i have seen and done.. she rejected you because that sort of thing can ignite and confuse things.. and she is smart for not doing it.. she isnt saying no! she is saying.. not yet. As for the contact issue.. you have made a good impact so far.. as for the next step... let her do the talking.. in the sense that she calls the shots.. you can still talk to her.. but dont pressure her about meeting somewhere or making plans for a future relationship. She will have to be the one to establish that. She still likes you/loves you... she flirts with you and allows you to be alone with her.. she allows you to be with her in public where people will see you too together.. she doesnt hide you. She is allowing for some amounts of affection but doesnt want it all at once. And if you are being honest with yourself and to us.. she also told you that friendship wasnt an option. You are still in luck in my opinion. Just be very careful.

 

Please let us know how things are progressing in the future

 

Deejmonster

[MrBrightside15]

Thank you so much Deej! Your thoughts have been very helpful, and yes, I'll try and update you on any progress made.

[MrBrightside15]

Okay, so here's an update of what's happened in the last few days. I'll try not to bore you with too many details, but sometimes the details are important, so I'll include what I think is essential. If you don't want to read the whole thing, just pick a paragraph to read and let me know what you think

 

So Saturday night I'm out with some friends. One of these friends is a girl that I've known for a little while and get along with pretty well. She just broke up with her bf a few weeks back, and all of a sudden is showing a lot of interest in me, coming on pretty strong. This weirds me out a lot - she's more like a sister figure for me than a romantic one. I know that my ex gets off work at 11pm, so I text her and ask if she would be up for coming out for a little while. First she responds by asking who I'm with and what we're doing, so I tell her what's going on with this girl. I also tell her that it's her who I'd really like to see. Then she says she has other plans, but will join me if they fall through. She tells me to just have a good time and not lead this girl on. Eventually, she lets me know she can't make it and that she's just now (12 am) leaving her place. I said that's fine and asked if we could talk tomorrow before she goes to work again and she replied "Sure!". I had a funny feeling about the whole conversation. Usually when she's done with work, she's pretty tired and hardly ever goes out, so it's seems strange that she would be going out at midnight. So, on the way home from the bar we were at, I drove by her place (It really was on the way...I know, I know - so sue me), and her car was there and the lights were on - only a half hour after she told me she was going out for the night. I really didn't know what to make of this. Did she fabricate plans because she knew I was out having a good time and didn't want me to think she was at home doing nothing? Playing hard to get, perhaps?

 

Okay, so the next day, Sunday, I text her around noon and ask if she wants to get coffee and talk like we planned. She said she didn't know if she would have time because her brother just stopped by - her brother is moving back to town and moving in with her. A little later, she called me and said she was sorry we couldn't meet up. Then she asked, jokingly, what happened between me and this girl. I just made an "Ugh" sound and told her I'd tell her later. Then, she told me that she had to give her brother her apartment key because the next time he was coming she wouldn't be able to let him in cause she would be at work all day. She needed mine - yep, she hadn't asked for the key back until now, when she actually needed it. She said she could stop by after work and pick it up. I suggested I meet her somewhere so she didn't have to drive all the way down here, perhaps over a drink. She said she couldn't tonight because she's got to get up in the morning, but that tomorrow evening (Monday) she was completely free.

 

So she stopped by my place after work. I was just expecting her to pull up and take the key, but she parked and came out to talk for a few minutes. I decided not to say anything about getting together the next day to see if she brought it up first. So we talked for a few minutes, really lighthearted. Again, she asked what happened between me and the girl last night. I just made another sound of exasperation, then said there's really not much to tell. She said I can tell her about it tomorrow, then at the end she said she would make sure and call me tomorrow after work, and if for some reason she didn't call me by 6 I should call her.

 

So the next day she does end up contacting me first. I asked what she wanted to do, and she wanted to go for a walk in the park. Her apt is right by a nice park, and yesterday was our first really nice day of the spring. So I went over there and we went for a walk. Obviously we talked a lot, but this time it was less fun and upbeat. We didn't talk about our relationship at all, but she was pretty stressed about a lot of things going on in her life, and she kind of aired her frustrations, while still asking me about what I've been up to (including asking about Saturday night again). I did my best to be a good conversationalist, though it wasn't as easy as the last couple times we talked because of the more serious nature of the conversation. She's cleaning out the spare room in her apt for her brother to move in and has a desk she needs to get rid of. It's just a cheap one, and my little sister needs one for her dorm so I said I'll take it off her hands. It wouldn't fit in my car, so I had to go get my dad's truck. When I got back to the apt, her friend had stopped by, so I basically just took the desk, thanked her for the nice walk, and left. Later, she texted me and apologized, saying she didn't mean to be rude and kick me out, and that she didn't know her friend was coming by.

 

One last thing. I haven't deleted her on Facebook, but I do hide her posts. Still, it doesn't hide when she comments on someone else's posts. One of my best friends just recently moved out of state, and I've noticed a couple times they've talked about her taking a trip to visit him. Today, he had posted a silly picture of himself, and she had commented that it made her miss him and that she should take a trip to see him soon. I know that sounds sketchy, but there's no way there's a romantic thing going on. He has a very serious gf, and is a really good friend of mine, one of the only people I actually confided in when we broke up, so he knows the whole situation. My ex also got to know him really well too and became friends with him herself. What do I make of this? Does she have me in mind for this trip? She wouldn't really go on a long trip to see one of my best mates without me, would she?

 

So that's the last few days, in a little more than a nutshell. So I didn't just back away and let her take control, but I think I did pretty good. Is that what I should do now, though? Back off and see if she contacts me? She has some very good reasons to contact me in the next few days. General impressions of what's going on?

Thank you if you read this far, I don't think it was too horribly long!

[Jondwnr]

She seems to be backing away, so I think you should let her come to you more and let her initiate more hangouts and conversations. Maybe disappear for a few days and let her miss you?? She might be confused about her feelings or if she should let her guard down and let you in. I hope to hear more of your progressing story I hope it works out

[MakeItCount]

The things that stick out to me is that you're being a tad pushy about wanting to hang out. It's all on her terms. Let HER ask YOU to hang out. You ask her to hang out, she says no, then you try again, etc. She is reciprocating once in a while, so that's good.

 

Don't worry about the other guy, my ex's best friend really misses me too, and there's nothing romantic there. DO NOT ask her to go with her if she does take the trip.

 

You're sounding kinda needy to be honest. Driving by her house, etc. I'm afraid if you get in a relationship with her again, you'll be even needier. Keep yourself busy, don't worry about what she's doing. You're acting too interested right now. Say no to hanging out once in a while, as you are way too available.

 

That's about all I got right now.

[MrBrightside15]

Thank you guys. I appreciate your opinions on the situation. I know I could and should be more in the passenger seat than the driver's seat at this point. I know some of the things I've done come off as needy, and to a degree they are, but it's also not as bad as it sounds. You have to understand just how much progress I've made with her at this point. Her attitude towards me has changed so much in the last few weeks. She wants to talk to me and wants to see me, but like you've said, she's a little confused as to what to do. I think I've made it too easy for her to assume that I'll be the one making the contact, so she doesn't have to really think about it. That's what has to change, so for the next few days I'll just stay away and hopefully she makes the next move!