NC didn't work for me...

[MissingSparkle]

* a bit long

 

Me and my ex have been out a relationship for ~9 months, during this time we were trying to see if we could make things better because we had a major fight which broke us up. both of us were hurt and neither of us was getting what we wanted and it became a tug of war. I felt he didn't want to give me what i needed, i was sick of the fighting so i went NC at the end of Dec. /early Jan.

 

During this time he was texting me madly, lets meet halfway, i love you blah blah blah. i didn't care about any of that, there was only one thing i wanted him to say which he knew but he never said it. In Feb. i broke NC and he was soooo heartbroken, he looked at me with so much hate and and frustration. We immediately got back into our old routine of arguing and saying "i can't give you this, till you give me that" and neither of us, once again, were willing to bend.

 

One morning he texted me "no matter what i'll always love you." It enraged me because i felt like he was throwing in the towel and saying i love you but its over. So i flipped. i started calling him every name in the book, told him i had another bf on the side just truly hurtful things. I wanted him to feel like crap. He went NC, stopped calling, texting, responding, but he did pick up everytime i called him.

 

Everytime i called him i would ask him why is he being like this towards me, why is he giving up if he meant all the things he said to me why doesn't he continue to fight for this, i only said mean things out of anger....etc. He told me he doesn't want to deal with me saying spiteful things when i'm angry and threw in my face how i went NC on him, didn't call, text or respond, i deleted my email so he couldn't email me, and how i went out of my way to ignore him.

 

Then he told me this key piece of information about how his brain works. Both his parents died when he was 18, and he said to me if someone is in my life and not doing what it takes to have me in their life, why should i put so much effort to see someone that doesn't want to see me. i had two people in my life that loved me more than anything and that i can never see again because they're dead. so i asked him is that why this is so easy for you to walk away from this because you think it was so easy for me to cut you out my life (when i went on NC) he said well it helps.

 

Now heres the thing he has a lot of hard feelings for me because of everything i put him through and at this point explicitly tells me he doesn't want to get back into a relationship with me now. he tells me he loves me so much but he has so many hard feelings and doesn't think i'll change being spiteful. He tells me even if we were to try again, it would be hard and he wouldn't give me the affection i would want right away. He's scared i would get upset with him and it'll turn to the same situation of us fighting and me saying mean things, he says "i wouldn't handle it well at all if that happens again, so i don't even want to take the risk."

 

Recently i've been doing reverse NC total opposite of what i've done before. Bringing him food, doing sweet lil things, trying not to say mean things when i'm triggered. He's a really stubborn person and he doesn't think i'll change so he doesn't react to any of it. sometimes i get fed up and feel i should just walk away so i'll send him a text saying "your really convincing me that your life would be better without me in it" or something like that and he gets pissed. "see you'll never change you can't even go a few weeks without sending me something like that, thats why i don't want to be with you..."

 

So I don't know what to do because originally i went NC but it made things worst. i don't want him to feel validated that i can just walk away from us because i don't want to put any effort but being honest with myself it hurts me so bad that he's cold to me when i do try and he's nonresponsive.

 

Any thoughts...Thanks in advance

[MissingSparkle]

I really don't want to walk away i think it is coward on some level but i hate being in limbo

[hotnspicychikn]

I'm new to this and am not in NC just LC because we are married and have finances/kids etc. Your situation sounds very unhealthy for both of you. I think the reason NC is probably not working for you is because you are still hanging on to the relationship. For me the process of healing did not start until I found some acceptance of the situation and began to let go (and I know I still have a long long way to go). It is a daily process and some days are harder then others but my hardest days are the days I cling to the relationship. Try to put the focus back on you, take care of you for now. I hope you find some peace soon.

[Tanzi]

The reason NC hasn't worked for you is because you were using it for the wrong reasons. If you use NC to get your ex back then you are surely going to be disappointed, especially when you were still actually in contact for most of that time and saying spiteful things to each other. I really don't think you have grasped the real concept of NC.

 

Walking away from someone who has said that he doesn't want to be with you is NOT being cowardly. Walking away with your dignity still intact takes strength.

[MissingSparkle]

OMG both of you are so right. I feel so stupid. he just called me an hour ago and told me to please stop. i don't want to have conversations with you i don't believe you'll ever change i just don't want this right now....ugh, i feel like such an idiot.

[MissingSparkle]

OMG agresel, that is exactly what happens and what i feel. Your totally right. i guess he's the smarter one in this now, because i continued to be really cruel when i got upset with him because i thought he would never leave. so i guess he is right on some level that we shouldn't be together now even though i think or believe i can keep myself from being spiteful.

[ChellyV]

just start NC with the goal of healing yourself and not him, not the lost relationship. i am on NC and i am at that point where i am actually relieved that i no longer cry every night because of arguing, losing self esteem and all that. i still miss him though, but its a part of the grieving/healing process.

on the other hand, if you feel there is something to work on, just wait for a perfect time and sit and talk with him. a mutual agreement to separate is still the best.

perhaps a cool off period will work, something you and him need to agree upon, say 2 weeks. after that, get together and throw in a decision. then move from there.

however, a break up is a break up. NC does wonders to heal you believe me.

[JerkBrokeMe]

i was sick of the fighting so i went NC at the end of Dec. /early Jan.

 

During this time he was texting me madly, lets meet halfway, i love you blah blah blah. i didn't care about any of that, there was only one thing i wanted him to say which he knew but he never said it. In Feb. i broke NC and he was soooo heartbroken, he looked at me with so much hate and frustration

 

I'm confused. It seems like NC did work for you but you didn't accept it when he came back to you. Maybe I misunderstood but it seems like he was chasing you and finally gave up. What was the thing you wanted him to say?

[MissingSparkle]

I'm confused. It seems like NC did work for you but you didn't accept it when he came back to you. Maybe I misunderstood but it seems like he was chasing you and finally gave up. What was the thing you wanted him to say?

By the way love the username, thats how i feel sometimes. Him contacting me saying those things, had been the same things he would say to me throughout our break-up, so it didn't seem to me like he was willing to compromise with the things i originally had issues with. What i wanted to know was if we were eventually going to settle down and have a family. i had always taken him for a live by the moment type person you know by the way he says and does things, and this always concerned me because its not really stable so i need some verbal confirmation that this relationship was important. He was in love in the past more than once, and he dated a decent amount of girls so i told him i'm a commited type person and i can't really take this seriously if this is not something he plans to take seriously and/or thats he's just in for the time being. he couldn't ever make me feel comfortable with these concerns.

[PaintWithLight]

NC is a way to get clarity on your own feelings and situation and life goals that have been lost and buried under tons of compromises made in an unhealthy relationship. NC is hard work, it is like going to the gym. You give up the junk food rush of twisted interactions with your EX and you make a plan for your life.

 

The two of you are miserable. You take turns adopting false personas in order to try and manipulate the other person into actions that you want. Stay away and have a period of NC. Like magic, you will begin to develop clarity on the truth of your issues. You cannot do this when you are devoting a ton of energy to continue the manipulation.

 

Get to the NC gym NOW. Stop the long distance torturing of each other. Make a healthy plan for your future and move towards it....alone. A new healthy relationship will appear when you are ready to embrace it. Good luck.

[Tanzi]

OMG both of you are so right. I feel so stupid. he just called me an hour ago and told me to please stop. i don't want to have conversations with you i don't believe you'll ever change i just don't want this right now....ugh, i feel like such an idiot.

 

Then you need to listen to what he is saying because all this contact is not helping and is just reiterating to him that he doesn't want to be with you. Try not to see walking away as being cowardly because in these circumstances it is more cowardly NOT to let go. You are avoiding the inevitable. This is perfectly normal, it is all about acceptance and I know from my own personal experiences that accepting that it is time to let go is not easy but once you have found the strength to do so, you will feel empowered and without all this negative contact holding you back and pulling you down, moving on will eventually become easier. Good luck!

[MissingSparkle]

This is so much better than a book, thank you

 

A-little-blue, i know i have been avoiding the inevitable, i kind of stop following my own advice because i thought it would better our situation, i know if i truly love him i have to let him go and heal myself. The whole unknown scares the heck out of me...

[Tanzi]

The whole unknown scares the heck out of me...

 

You aren't the only one to think this. In fact most of us do in the early days of a break-up and it is the reason why we cling on so much at a time when we should be letting go .. but, you know what? The unknown ain't so bad. In fact its quite exciting!

 

I was as scared as hell when my ex-husband left me and our 3 children. I hadn't worked in years as I had given up work to dedicate my time in bringing up the children so he could dedicate all his time on his business. I had no idea how I was going to cope with 3 children on my own. I had no idea how I would cope with trying to get a job after so much years out of the loop and I had no idea how I would cope both with work and with bringing up the children.

 

I moved to a new house. I started a home study course and I eventually started meeting new people. My life took many new, exciting and, yes, painful turns but I now feel like I have been given a second chance at getting a better life.

[MissingSparkle]

that sounds traumatic to me, i couldn't even imagine going through something like that. the pain i'm going through right now is a lil unbearable. i always read about people going through these life changing events and coming out the other end better but i would always think to myself, thank God thats not me because i don't i would've been able to handle it, they must be really strong. But i guess nows the time to prove to myself i am strong enough to walk away and have a better life in the end.

[Tanzi]

You will be amazed at the strength you find within yourself when you have to

[dramallama]

If you think going through NC and letting go is traumatic, then hanging around and being friends, or fwb or anything less than a committed relationship. It slowly eats away at you. It's terrible. Your ex is doing you a favour by (repeatedly) asking you to stop contacting him. What will it take you to stop?

[MissingSparkle]

we were together 2.5 years, we've been broken up for almost 9 months but i know what you mean. I guess the reason i held on was because in the time that we were broken up, it was like we were dating but both of us were still being stubborn and thats kind of why we stayed stuck. so i figured if i give in and at least try even though i'm still hurting maybe things could get better. but i guess it was too far gone for it to even matter hence him telling me please stop. But its unforunately really clear to me now i'm not going to contact him anymore, i have nothing of his, he has nothing of mine, there's no excuses left.

 

i definitely have learn some pretty good things with him so i am grateful to him for that.