Urgent ex just sent a text

[Sunshine7]

So is it best that if someone is playing head games, that you go NC if you were dumped and only respond if they actually say they made a mistake - is it best to say nothing until they come back in that way?

 

I have been NC 10 days and my ex sent a how are you text on day 7 - I haven't responded.

 

I don't want to be with him unless he demonstrates he does - so just to clarify is it best to NC him entirely until he says those words only?

[jonesyjakk]

once you decide to go nc, you do it to heal, nothing more and nothing less....that means not responding to how are you texts because you may aswell just be friends then.....

 

nc is nc....but you do it for healing and not to get them back.....if they want you back you will know....no games, no analysing.....simple......

[Sunshine7]

Oh yes I know that I am doing NC to heal but if they did say any thing other than 'I made a mistake' it's best not to answer isn't it?

[Nappyloxs]

Shes playing head games

Yeah, but I am not going to give her the satisfaction of a response.

 

BOTTOM LINE....

 

STOP TEXTING HER....you are over analysing and until you stop playing games you're gonna continue to be posting here wondering whats going on with her...i was in the same boat as you...sooner you just cut her loose the better for you.

 

 

Jonesy

 

Jonesy, I am not the one texting her and playing games. I responded "civilly" to two of her texts yesterday. And then I get this one 8 hours later. Analyzing? Not really. I know this is my ex's way of "nonchalantly" saying "I was thinking of you" and but she doesn't want to come off as weak so she puts me down (civil, nice thank god) because it makes her feel stronger. She wants me to respond with some negative response so she can tell herself "look, he hasn't change" and then she can feel better about herself.

 

I have played this stupid game with my ex. all last year. But I was weak last year and allowed it to happen, because "I loved her." I do not want this from any relationship. I want a woman who can be a woman, but also "woman up." I don't want drama, negativity, or conflict.

[jonesyjakk]

good for you sunshine...good luck...its hard work. if i can do it anybody can.

 

have you got a thread on here?

[Sunshine7]

well I kind of have but my story is so long (basically 6 year relationship dumped by boyfriend hes 14 years older than me got with someone else immediately - but it is a make up break up cycle which I am ending). I am ending the cycle to gain respect whether he comes back or not. I dont want him thinking he can pick me up and drop me when he likes over very small things (he hates any conflict and runs like a child rather than talk - the more I try to talk the more he runs, into the arms of others, blames it on me, i beg, he comes back, thenround we go again)

[jonesyjakk]

nappy, if you can be civil all the power to you, but i dont think either of you are ready for that, just my oppinion on what ive read, therefore i dont think you should bother trying at the moment, and i think you will be much better off. just my oppinion ultimately you know whats best for you. by keeping in contact it just sounds you gonna keep playing these games.

 

good luck

[WildChild]

@Nappy, I'm not one bit surprised she contacted you again. Nothing can be predicted (coming from someone else) as a definite, but this is what I was trying to convey in one of my many posts yesterday LOL Although mere specualtion, another reason she contacted you was so that you would have her new number...little did she know you deleted it right away. Another thing, and again 'guessing from experience' is that she probably DID hear you were making out with some gal. You were right to say that she was probably testing you to see if you are the same person as you were before, regardless if that matters to you or not of course. BUT, also that because you didn't initiate contact with more conversation after you had heard from her, also was enough to get her to respond again. She's feeling you out. So right now what matters is this healing process has naturally put the ball in your court because you've progressed a lot in the last year, and you know or feel the best thing is to not respond. BUT, this also is where you may need to make a decision within yourself. If this is too much, and her BS is so stupid and immature to deal with, and you want absolutely NC unless you happen to run in to each other, then you may have to tell her (in your words), "Hey, it's not that I can't be civil because I consider myself a civil person, but I have gone on with my life. Quite honestly, thanks for getting a hold of me but there isn't too much for us to talk about anymore. Take Care." OR, if you do want to see what the hell she's going to do or say next, you let this baby ride itself out, continue to do what you're doing with staying strong, remain NC unless you see fit to respond, and see where she goes with this BUT all the time you continue to do what you have been doing the last year...concentrating on yourself The ball is in your court, you have the power now. Because of your actions in the last year of you taking time to heal, and sticking with your NC, it has given YOU the power. Kinda like, it's no longer you wanting her, and she's now curious as to why you don't.

 

Don't let her words influence you, or sway you (meaning into a response, spouting off, defending yourself, or driving over there to tell her she is a f*cked up mess), stay cool because this is where the assclown is coming out from her. They are nice, the next time their assclowns. It is allll a test to see of your will, endurance, and who you are now to who you were then. Now, this is where you fluff your feathers, stick your chest out, and continue to show through ACTIONS that you are not the same person you were a year ago, and that you are a hot commodity...confidence but not cocky...you healed enough to realize you will not tolerate her shi*t. Everything through healing brought this to you naturally. Since you did hear from her the 2nd time, maybe what I was saying yesterday makes more sense today?

[Nappyloxs]

Wildchild. Its funny that you mentioned fluff your feathers and hot commodity. I posted on fb about exes in general coming back and how they forget that I was a hot commodity before them and even hotter now. So my 2nd ex (we are friends) post something about how I am much better than when we dated and to fluff my feathers. Lol. Just find it funny that you mentioned those words.

 

I do feel more in control. I like your response so I may borrow it. Here is how I am feeling. Part of me just doesnt want to respond at all. To me, I can tell she hasnt changed, I dont want to play her game, and basically I dont trust her. Like I posted earlier, yeah she may miss me today, but next her feelings will be different. Also, I have never not responded to her, so it would just be a change and a taste of her own medicine. Lots of different reasons.

 

Part of just wants to reply and say if she wants recon or to say sorry then say it and stop beating around the bush. I know this girl when it comes to her admitting her positive feelings towards me it is like pulling teeth. I have to force it out her. (force just seems like the wrong word).

 

I have talked to 3 friends and my previous ex abt the situation. All ask do I want her back. I dont know, I sure as hell dont want her negativity and her uncertainty. I dont want to test the waters. She either wants me and is willing to go back to the girl I love (not asking for her to change to someone) or she doesnt.

 

My 3 friends (and they are in healthy great relationships) all say she was hard on me and just not happy with me. I dont want that perspection as the unhealthy couple. My heart wants to see if there is more, but my mind is just tired of her crap. She has cried wolf so many times and her feelings change with the weather. I just dont want to deal with it or even hope that she has changed.

 

Typing from my phone, so probably many typos sorry.

[Nappyloxs]

Okay reread this thread.

 

I am definitely sticking with nc for the time being. If she wants something, than she needs to be straight forward and say it. That is what I want. Yes, I could throw a crumb out there. Maybe I will maybe I wont. Her last text does even give me anything to respond with except I dont remember talking to him (the cop).

 

But right now, I am nc.

 

Wildchild, great advice. I see that if I said something of recon she will get her ego boost. So basically it nc or I dont remember talking to the cop. I am not going to mention the rest of her text.

[Sunshine7]

That's the thing once they have done something or said something more than once, how do you ever know what's real anymore.

[WildChild]

LOL that is funny about your friends/my comments!

 

 

EDIT: Just saw your response LOL So this wasn't beating a dead horse to what you were saying you were seeing now what I was saying....just didn't know you responded LOL

 

OK, so this is what I need from you. To really read what I'm writing...put away any "yeah buts" because you're missing my point. In my original post to you, I didn't know the backdrop of your relationship. However, it still could apply should someone want to take that advice. BUT, what you maybe missing in what I have been saying since that post, is because you are doing NOTHING, you are saying NOTHING, is where you are showing ACTION. Doing nothing is where you're fluffing the feathers, showing you're not the same man you were, etc. is coming into play. By NOT by contacting her etc. You are showing by NOT responding to her antics showing that you aren't the same person. Yes you know her well, yes you know that this is her way of telling you she misses you. Those are ALL great things to know, and because you have healed and you have worked on yourself, you know even more what she is up to....BUT, the LAST thing you want to do is say that to her, or tell her in any shape or form, is that you get what she's getting at or to spit it out. Why? Because the ball is in YOUR court now, YOU have the power. This is where SHE needs to start changing, and because you aren't feeding into it like you did before.... THAT is what is going to start putting the fire under her a** for HER to start going, "Holy sh*t, he's not the same person anymore. He knows that this is my way of saying 'hey, i miss you' but he's not responding. Why? What changed? Does he not love me anymore?' If in fact she is sniffing around to possibly reconcile. You see now what I'm saying? You don't have to do nothing from here on out, but what you've been doing. She has to do all the work, if she's interested in wanting you back. And by you doing nothing, and you continuing to do what you have been doing on yourself, is what is going to make her start looking at herself more. And if she doesn't? Then who gives a sh*t..there is no skin off your nose, and it's her loss that she's too stubborn or unwilling to want to make changes for herself...let the next guy deal with it. And because you're busy concentrating on yourself, then what she does or doesn't do won't matter to you. And if she DOES come back and says she wants to work it out, then that is when you tell her the changes you have made within yourself...not for HER or to show her you've changed, but for YOURSELF, and this and that is what you want from a relationship, and you don't know that she cuts the mustard anymore. OR, you send the message that you were thinking of using if you really want absolutely no more contact. And quite honestly, that might be something you could use down the line (should she be talking about reconciling, but you see or sense she hasn't truly, truly changed herself or her ways) as an added vice, or clencher to really put it into her head you're serious: She needs to change, she needs to see you're the same sweet guy, but you aren't taking crap from no one anymore, and if she can't abide or live with it, then there's the door and quit contacting me. Either way, let her make the fool of herself now. By you not saying anything, again unless you feel need or it warrants it, she is going to start scrambling. And every antic in the book is going to be used, and played and the more you stay cool and keep your cool, the more pressure it puts on her to shape up, or ship out if she is so lucky to win YOU back, or for you to even consider it.

 

 

BTW, each and everytime I have never taken my ex back once I reached that point. By then, I had already made the changes I needed to make for myself, corrections I needed to make for mistakes I had made in the relationship, etc. What they saw was the new me, not the same WildChild that they dated....still the goodness, but not the same 'but I love you'...they saw confidence that no longer included them and a life that no longer included them. But when they finally got it, that I was serious, and that none of their antics worked.....each and everytime, everyone of them finally got it enough to stop looking at me, and what I did wrong, and started looking at themselves. But for me it was tooooooo late by the time they did get it, that it takes two to make a relationship and only one to break it.

 

Another example, guy I dated last year for maybe 2 months told me when we both agreed it was over, that he never talks to any of his exes ever again once they've broken up. Felt no need to, even if he would run into them in the future. I said that was ridiculous, and he said that's just the way it is. There's no need to ever talk to them again. Well, my Mom and I talked and I told her about the convo, and we both agreed that maybe a friendship doesn't have to follow suit, but to be so stupid and stubborn to never talk to an ex again, what if because things became in a better position to rekindle something etc. Well the next day he says "I guess you've made up your mind, you won't be hearing from me again." I said nothing, thought good riddance ya jacka**...one more reason to not want to work things out. Never heard from him again, nor did he ever hear from me again. WEeeellll, guess who I heard from just last month. You got it, Mr. I don't talk to exes...and guess what, wanted to know if I would give him a second chance. NOPE.

[WildChild]

Don't acknowledge the cop thing...especially because you don't remember talking to him. She's fishing. Remember, all antics can and will be tried and used. Funny it took EIGHT hours for her to tell you that her cop friend saw you? It very well could be that you DIDN'T talk to him, but he saw you, and if he saw how drunk you were may have mentioned that to her...therefore, she maybe be using that as her scapegoat as "Oh, he won't remember if he did or not cuz he was too drunk, so I'm going to make up a story to get answers, or come in now cuz he was with some chic." More than likely he saw you and mentioned it to her...they got into a convo,you seemed drunk or whatver, and he told her you were making out with that gal. She was asking about that night, and about you, what you were doing, who you were with the more he talked etc. or at least fishing to get answers from him. I guarantee you. So she comes back making it about her, when possibly you said nothing about her. She's trying to get this to be about her, cuz she knows you were with that gal...testing you, test test test. See what I'm saying. If that was something that was a 'hey, a friend of mine saw you etc.' it would've been mentioned right at first. BUT because you dropped everything, and she saw you doing nothing, and she didnt' hear from you again, she turned up the heat because you gave her no answers or nothing to work on from the first text.

 

Trust and do nothing, especially when you are uncertain.

[Nappyloxs]

That is what ths ex would say. Lol.

 

So I am contemplating just with I dont remember talking to him. Would that give her the power back? The only reason I would respond is to see where it goes and yes throw her a crumb. That way she just get to her point.

 

Also just thinking nc still. the little part of me says that if I do nc I won hear from he again, but I am sure I will.i like that she needs to sweat it out and think for a change.

[Nappyloxs]

Answered my question while typing. You are starting to read my mind wildchild!

[Pirandello]

NC is the way to go, even if some people say the dumpee should reach out to the dumper, i think it will just backfire and feed their ego and confirm they made the right decision of leaving you. When i did the breaking up, it pushed me away when the girl kept calling back and try to convince me to come back. Honestly it made her look needy and it wasn't attractive. Better to do NC, after enough time has passed then you could see things differently if the person made changes and improved. But if you are dating a psycho, i think the chances they improved are slim. Better to move on.

[WildChild]

OK, this is the critical point for yourself Nappy. Try as hard as you can to put hearing from her out of your head. Keep busy, whatever you have to do to not think about her, or that you heard from her. Do whatever you have to do to keep and maintain all of the hard work you have put into all of this time you've taken to heal and work through it. You mentioned you kept her last text, as a reminder to yourself. I did the same thing as well, but deleted him as a contact so I can't just start texting and hit his name. It's a psych thing for me that works, best friend thinks it's stupid LOL BUT, since you do have her number now in your phone that you really need to ask yourself and be honest that if there could be even one ounce of a chance that you may text or call her, then you need to delete that text. Jot the text down as a reminder to yourself about who she is, and how you didn't fall for it...but get that number out of your phone if you feel you may ever be tempted. I know it's easy to say no you won't, but it is easy to become panicked once you do hear from them and then all of a sudden you don't ...so you send out a fishing text yourself, just a 'hey, just wanted to see how you're doing' to see if they'll respond...I'm sure you've seen it done, or have done it yourself before. If you don't know that you are strong enough to not do that, then please please delete it. You are really in a strong position right now, and regardless if you hear from her or not, you don't want to blow it for yourself and all that you've worked through. And no memorizing it or jotting it down on the back of a legal pad either, counselor

[Nappyloxs]

NC is the way to go, even if some people say the dumpee should reach out to the dumper, i think it will just backfire and feed their ego and confirm they made the right decision of leaving you. When i did the breaking up, it pushed me away when the girl kept calling back and try to convince me to come back. Honestly it made her look needy and it wasn't attractive. Better to do NC, after enough time has passed then you could see things differently if the person made changes and improved. But if you are dating a psycho, i think the chances they improved are slim. Better to move on.

 

Agreed, by sending a text, that doesnt tell me anything but that she was thinking of me. History has shown that if she needs an ego boost then she will contact me. (after I initiated contact, most of the time she just ignored me). I have to go with what I want. If she has changed and is interested in recon then she will make it known and if not, well, I just go on with my life. I am done giving her satisfaction.

 

Look, we met on myspace. She messaged me out of nowhere and said I was cute. If she had the guts then to hit on me, she can do it again.

 

This whole it is about me and what I want is really sinking in.

[Sjan]

ermm, If your ready for sending her a message then I don't see the harm in it. Although I don't know what she wants from you, I mean, does she message you to get you back? or is it just a plain 'hello, how are you.?'

[Nappyloxs]

Deleted it. I dont ever want the temptation.

 

Sjan. No, she just asked how I was doing. I replied and said well.

 

If she sends another text I will reply, but, to me, her last text was just same old negative ex. No good would have come from replying.

[WildChild]

Deleted it. I dont ever want the temptation.

 

Sjan. No, she just asked how I was doing. I replied and said well.

 

If she sends another text I will reply, but, to me, her last text was just same old negative ex. No good would have come from replying.

 

Well done for deleting it, and recognizing there could be temptation! Woo hoo! You are on fire! Keep it up!

[Nappyloxs]

This morning I was thinking what to text her. Luckily, you told me how the I was drunk text could flip on me. So now we see what see about, but at least I can go back to normal. Moving on with my life thinking she will call one day. Great!

[Nappyloxs]

Was able to get some work done and now physically and mentally tired. I got to worked up over a text or two. Still have some healing to do, but I need stuff to be about me from now on. I am glad I deleted her number or else I might have texted her by now as I kept looking at my phone all day. Just because she contacted me yesterday doesnt mean she will today. She probably is back to normal today. I realize that I deserve more thana hows it going text. Part of me wants to hear from her, but I know I wont. But at least I learned a lesson today and became stronger.

[PistonHonda6]

WildChild, I am following your advice in this thread and I am loving it! I was acting like a wuss at first, begging for her back, etc. Calling too much. Fishing for a bite. Since 3 weeks ago I changed to LC and now I'm on full NC for 6 days and she is contacting me desperately. I am LOVING the power of NC and finally being in control for a change! So far she is just asking why I'm ignoring her, and trying to remind me of things I had wanted to tell her and wondering if I still want to talk about them. Would you be willing to give me some advice on my thread? /showthread.php?t=376861 (I cant post links yet)

[Nappyloxs]

Well, no contact from her today. Reconfirms my initial belief that she was bored yesterday. Her second text still irks me, but glad I didn't respond and went NC.

 

On a side note, I was taking with my 2nd ex about the texts this morning. Funny, since we broke up years ago aftter years we became friends. I could swear I would never want to be with her again, but we do have a special connection. We just communicate very well and respect each other. I am not trying to rekindle anything with yer (she is happily married to the perfect guy for her), but its funny how I stopped considering her the perfect girl for me long ago. Yet, today I realize that she had all the traits I want. except for her one glaring negative trait.