Im so heartbroken

[stevef20]

Hello everyone,

 

Ive lost my world and somehow ended up here, i hope someone can help

 

In march last year i met a wonderful woman that i fell head over heels in love with on that very night, we spent that very 1st night together back at her sisters house just talking and talking and talking, it was the most amazing night of my life and one i will never forget. She felt the same.

 

Both of us are nearly 40 and knowing what we both wanted the relationship steamed ahead and within weeks we were planning a future and very much in love, she told her family i was the one and her father came to me and said that his daughter had never been this way and that what we had was very very special. We had a holiday with her family and i wa invited and welcomed as family by all of her friends and family, life was perfect. In August we upped the anti and i moved into her place in a different county and found a new job, again life was perfect.

 

We started to talk about family and marriage and spent some special days in London looking at Engagement rings in the roads famous for that kind of thing. She asked me if i wanted children ? i was a little 50/50 on the subject as i have 2 children from a previous marriage, i asked her for some time to think about it and she obliged, i went back and said yes in the November and she came off the pill, she was so excited and looked happier than i have ever seen her.

 

During all of this time it didnt go unoticed that she was quite a selfish girl and had a roving eye but at the time my love just waved it away although it built up on me as time went by. at this point it is worth mentioning that before i married my ex wife many many years ago she cheated on me. My current girlfriend was far from perfect but i loved her so much that we just caried on.

 

Things carried on and eventually i found myself checking up on her which started to produce a few chinks in us, during all of this time though we maintained we were very much in love and that we would be ok, things escalated and one day while i was surfing the net a mail popped up to her from a guy, it simply said hello! at the same time i heard her iphone go off, the accounts were linked and so she had just had the same mail. I dont know why but i asked who it was ? she said it was just someone selling something which i of course knew was a lie, i confronted her and it turns out the mail was from an ex boyfriend, the mail itself was harmless but the lie is what started the beginning of the end.

 

Before this happened we had offered on a house and the house was about to exchange contracts with a completion date set for Jan 14 (move in day).

We never made it to that day, infact we split up on December the 17th, i didnt want to but she told me on the phone it was over

 

As you can imagine xmas and the new year were impossible, i was upset but not to bad, reason being i thought it would be sorted.

To cut a long story short she moved into what would have been our house on Jan 14which left me devastated, she maintained between the date we split right up until late feb that she still loved me and that she hoped we still had a chance, she would call me, get upset then ring back and apologise for being sad.

 

The penultimate time I saw her was at our house on Feb 20th, she told me that day that she still loved me on the doorstep and we waved goodbye. 5 days later i went round, i was really upset and wanted to see her, the reaction that day was very different, i was told she had no feelings for me, that i was not who she thought i was and that we had no future. I was so confused, what had happened in 5 days ??

 

I gues i pestered her over the next couple of weeks not alot im talking wnet round the house twice and called and text maybe 3 times and i watched as she got more distant and angrier, im sorry but i just could not believe what was happening and how quickly. It got so bad that she would not answer my calls or text, at the same time though as this was going on she would not let me get mu furniture back, she said she was not ready for that, this gave me hope yet again, i felt like a puppet on a string. It became more apparent that she didnt want me but at the same time she would not let go. eventually my mum called her and she agreed to a date for me to get my furniture, this was 3 week ago today and was the 1st time that i think i realised that we really were over. My heart was broken.

 

So i got my stuff 3 weeks ago, i dressed nice as i wanted to say goodbye in a nice way and thank her for what had been the best year of my life. She wasnt there to meet us, instead she sent her brother in law along and he helped move my stuff out, im crying as i write this as i cant explain just what pain that caused, i wanted to say goodbye and hold her one last time but she denied me that, my mother called her and they spoke pleasently, when asked though if she would come say goodbye she growled back with a NO. What had i done to deserve this, we were in love and had plans for our future, she was of the pill, we talked marriage and even bought the house ive never lived in.

 

So a week passed and i realised i needed a closure, i am seeing a councillor all this time since january by the way as i wanted to ditch the insecurities. there was nothing in the email bar the lie.

I went round to the house 2 saturdays ago when i knew she would be there and actually saw her as i drove past the house to park, that really hurt I parked up knocked on the door and nothing, she ignored my call, low and behold 2 minutes later brother in law shows up and says she wont see you, i asked why but got a i dont know mate she just wont, i dont think all of her family agree with what she has done.

I text that same evening saying a goodbye after everything wouldnt hurt but nothing, the next day i left a really nice voicemail saying please just say good bye, i need my closure. I got back its over, goodbye now leave me alone.

 

That was 2 weeks ago and i havent stopped crying yet, ive been signed off work with depression and although id never do it have thought about going to sleep and not waking again on more than 1 occasion, ive left her alone completely as she wanted but im very very broken. i know she has gone and that kills me, what i find so hard to answer in my mind is why, ive made my insecurities out to be far worse than they were and besides even when we split she wouldnt let go, she turned up xmas eve sobbing with her mum giving me presents, she called me alot, text and wouldnt allow me to get my furniture, it all changed in 1 week, my mother and councillor believe that as she is a very hard nosed business woman that she just put a lid on the bottle one day and moved on, if that is the case then ok but im hurting and hurting real bad, i feel like i have nothing to live for and that my world has collapsed into nothing, my children are not helping with my sorrow as people said they would, im in despair and need some help getting through this.

 

please help me ! Someone, Anyone. Im broken

[anonymousSAD]

I'm so sorry for your pain. Maybe I will be disputed on this fact, but I believe it's true so I'll say it. There are people in this world who cannot see outside themselves; they are unable to truly relate to others feelings, and do not value others except in relation to their own wants and needs. Your girlfriend was/is very selfish. Whether she hurt you because she was scared, or because she got bored, she was extremely insconsiderate of hurting you and should have had the decency to tell you what was going on on her side of the equation. Please don't harm yourself; trying to discourage you, I'd like to warn you that no suicide method I've found is as easy as "going to sleep and not waking again." There's always horrible pain involved, for example a twelve hour period of your liver or kidneys failing, and then afterward pain for your mother and all who care about you. Your girlfriend, however, being selfish, will not learn anything or suffer so don't think you can mean something to her that way. You seem like a sincere, genuine person, so good things are bound to come to you. Hopefully your relationship with your children is good? It must be hard having an ex wife who cheated, but it's not the kids fault, and so many women would love a man who can prove he's a good father. Maybe focus on them for a while, while you recuperate; there's nothing like little kids to make you feel appreciated. Bottom line is, one door closes but two more open and next time I hope you'll chose someone who loves you right way, by having both your best interests at heart, because that's the kind of person you want to make a family with. Sometimes when I've just been through something really, really hard, pain that I didn't think I could live through, I think to myself "this is the first day of the rest of my life." Think about it: You're free. This is the first day of the rest of your life.

[TheJerseyKid]

I've been there man, its tough, but just hang on, you'll pull through. You mentioned you were married once before, even cheated on, but yet somehow, you managed to find love, and to love again, correct? See what we as humans do, and I'm not sure why, but we always seem to focus on the most recent things going on in our lives. Think back to when you and your wife split up, and then think back to how you were a few months/years down the line. It's pretty amazing what some time can do, right? I have no doubt, the same thing will happen in this situation. Time will go on, and you will heal. You will feel whole again, and you will live to love again. Heck, you've done it before. It's not like you're 25 and out of a 7 year relationship and I have to convince you it can happen... YOU'VE SEEN IT HAPPEN YOURSELF. Cheer up, get back to some old hobbies you've ignored, see some old pals that you haven't seen in a while, do something, do anything! The world is your oyester sir.

[stevef20]

Thank you for your kinds words, i cry as i read them.

 

I feel so lost and empty without her, she was my soul mate and we were so happy, i hope i meant and still mean something to her, i gave her all of me for nearly a year

 

Im so sad writing this, i hope this pain goes away

[stevef20]

Thanks Jerseykid,

 

I was married yes, and to the woman that cheated on me, we were together 14 years before i finally fell out of love with her and left, she treated me like a mat and id had enough, weirdly i didnt shed 1 tear over that ending.

 

Its nice to know there are decent people in this world.

[WildChild]

One of the hardest things is not having answers to the 'whys', 'what happened', etc. It almost seems to make it worse because it leaves soooo much in your head to try to sort through when you're already trying to accept things are over. You do have a lot to live for, and no one person can take away what you have and that is yourself, let alone your children. I know it's difficult because you feel your children aren't there for you, but try not to look at it negatively because truly they are your children, and you're the parent. Should they not understand, or not tread lightly while you're going through this, then you need to explain to them that right now you're going through this and just need a silent support if anything. I know and understand you're suffering, and the pain can seem so unbearable and never ending. It will get better, and each day it will ease a little more. It may not seem like it, but it will. I think it's wise to continue to go to counseling, you need a neutral party who can help you sort through all of this, and listen with an unbiased ear. As hard as it is, and if what you have said is all the truth, and no fluffing it up because she is who you thought was the woman of your dreams, then what you need, absolutely need to do is realize that this is about her, and not you. This truly could be who she is as a person, so try not to take that onto yourself. I would however not contact her anymore, leave her alone. She seems pretty upset right now, and who knows for how long. A complete cooling off period is needed, and if you continue to try to contact her or arrive at the house, you're only fueling the fire. Breakups are hard enough, the last thing anyone needs is more hurt and pain if the dumper is not at all willing to even talk, let alone remain civil. That's all it will do is cause you more pain, and you'll feel more rejection..ya know? BUT, if you haven't added everything into this story line, because some people do make it seem and sound like a bed of roses, either putting themselves or their ex on pedestals, then you need to start being honest with yourself. Not to win her back, but if you're lying to yourself then you will never heal, and you will never learn or grow from this experience. If you sit by yourself and say out loud all that is real, and the truth, anything and everything that you know you could do or be different as a person, then that within itself is a huge weight lifted. You can only find a solution within yourself, and an answer, if the truth is all out there no matter how hard or scary it is. This is a great place to network, vent, and seek good support and advice. Continue your counseling, work on loving yourself, don't allow someone the power over you when you are the one that has the power.

[stevef20]

Thank you so much Wildchild,

 

My post was and is as it is, no fluffing, no bull.

 

Its interesting that you comment that this might not be about me but infact her, sadly Justine has never had a relationship over 6 months hence my comments about what her father said etc.

 

My sadness is so deep but weirdly runs for her too, i love this girl with all of my heart and miss her terribly, i truly want her to be happy.

 

Thanks again my frined

[TheJerseyKid]

Thank you so much Wildchild,

 

My post was and is as it is, no fluffing, no bull.

 

Its interesting that you comment that this might not be about me but infact her, sadly Justine has never had a relationship over 6 months hence my comments about what her father said etc.

 

My sadness is so deep but weirdly runs for her too, i love this girl with all of my heart and miss her terribly, i truly want her to be happy.

 

Thanks again my frined

 

IMO the fact she is nearly 40 and never had a relationship past 6 months further solidifies the fact it's about HER and not YOU.

[stevef20]

You may be right jerseykid but sadly that doesnt ease my pain.

 

Thanks again though

[WildChild]

Truly wanting someone's happiness says a lot of great things about someone (that being you ), and I guess I look at it as a genuine and true caring and love for someone...no matter what the circumstances. It very well could be that no matter how much love you gave or show would ultimately never be enough. Not because you couldn't give all you had, but because some people can't accept that kind of love. It's something within themselves, and often times very deeply rooted from somewhere or sometime different, and from before. It's hard not to think or suggest that she has something that happened to her, or something that has caused her inability to stay within a relationship longer than six months. I understand what you're saying by your sadness runs for her too. It is sad for her, and it's something that may not have been prevented if not now, then down the road. When you love someone so much, it's hard to not want to be their rock, their steady, the one thing that you can do or show or prove that you're not going anywhere. But when it comes to the welfare and self preservation of the person who is giving it, sometimes the hardest thing to do, but the right and the best thing to do is to walk away knowing that you tried, and loved unconditionally. As for her, no one can be helped unless they want it. If she's only capable of staying in a relationship for six months, then it truly is about her and no one else. And unless and until she faces her fears or demons, this will continue to remain her pattern throughout life. That truly, truly is not a life you would want to live. You yourself need unconditional love from someone who can give love with no conditions. I don't think she is someone who is capable of it, at least not now or ever. Please really do try and look at this as something that has nothing to do with you, and you did what you could do. Although it's hard to sometimes understand or see why things happen the way they do, there is always a reason. It may not show itself right away, but eventually it does. I would venture to say one very good reason was to save YOU from something worse to come out of this. Quite honestly, reading your story, a blessing was that she didn't become pregnant and then do this.

[stevef20]

Wildchild,

 

What you have just said is echoed by a couple of friends i have confided in.

 

I may well be best out of the relationship but sadly my love was given without limits and was completely unconditional, i wanted it all with her. i know of a demon in her past that she has only told a few people about, not even her parents, perhaps this is the catalyst.

 

For now i will go on being heartbroken and thinking about what a wonderful woman i have lost.

 

I thank you so much for your time and comments though.

 

Steve

[stevef20]

Ive just been reading on other threads about NC and how it really does work for alot of people, its so sad that i did not find this site and the advice within it earlier, i would have started the NC months ago.

 

To late for me now, live and learn is the lesson here.

[stevef20]

Ok so here we are again.

 

Ive had the worst morning, havent stopped crying yet, im so full of loss and sadness, regrets and emptiness. it really does feel like there is nothing left.

 

I have no strength to fight this left, i know shes gone and im lost without her.

[anonymousSAD]

You're going to get through this. Just take it one day at a time. Look up self soothing methods. Don't let someone else rule you life; there are good things in your future despite her and someone you'll look back and see how she's just a step in your journey to a better place.

[stevef20]

Anonymous,

 

You are wise beyond your years.

 

I am more than double your age yet here you are acting as the voice of reason.

 

I thank you

[stevef20]

I have had the worst day today, Why ??

 

Last few days ive been broken badly in the mornings but have managed to hold it together PM, today though has been like day 1 again, whats this about ???

[WildChild]

I've said many times that a breakup is like a death, there are many stages that a person goes through that are very similar to when someone we love have died. If you've lost someone close to you, you'll understand what I mean if you examine the grieving stages. Mornings always seem to be my 'bad' time, or just waking up like from a nap. It gets depressing, but I just keep telling myself it's going to be o.k., I need to stay strong, it's not the end of the world, and I'll get through it. I keep repeating it to myself, and try to determine why I'm feeling that way or what triggered it. Then I do something, whether it's surf the internet, journal, or I talk to my best friend or Mom just to get it out if it seems extraordinary, or harder at that given time. These techniques seems to make the moment pass, and I feel better afterwards.

[stevef20]

Thanks as always Wildchild.

 

Everything you mention holds true with me, i do try and tell myself these things but sometimes i get so overwhelmed by the sense of loss, hurt and emptiness that it just takes control. Usually a good cry makes things ok for a while but yesterday was impossible. guess im just starting to accept it all now and im missing her terribly.

[WildChild]

But you see, yesterday wasn't impossible. You're here today. It just felt like it was impossible. Another day of healing brings a stronger, confident, and better and more wise person. Hang in there, you are doing great!

[Di84]

Hey there....

I can totally relate to you. Altough my situation is slightly different. I was with him for 4 years and he decided to end it back in October. I begged and cried and pleaded for him to not leave and give it another try. He was always hot and cold- one day telling me he cared and the next telling me to get out of his life and that he wanted nothing to do with me. I cried every day for 5 months straight!!!!!!! I am now on my 6 month of this breakup and only recently was he straight forward with me and yelled at me to never contact him again. Basically, I pushed him away by chasing him but you know what? He was NEVER clear with me. That's the problem with dumpers -- they cannot understand what WE are feeling and going through and that our feelings were true. The best advice I could give you is to go NC completely.... seriously. Don't go down the route i did where i begged and cried. This way, you will appear strong (although you're broken but she does not need to know that bc it does nothing for you). Start to dress nice and take care of yourself. I felt like i would never get through it either. I went to see a psychologist, she made me feel worse. My doctor prescribed me anti-depressants bc i couldnt stop crying after 3 month, but I decided not to take them because I knew I could bounce back without medications. I just needed to regain the right mind frame.

Look, i know everyone says "time heals"... it's true, but it doesn't happen over night either. I STILL wake up feeling like crap every morning. Mornings are REALLY hard and i know how u feel.......... it's NORMAL. But u know what, when that day comes that you wake up and realize that the pain is gone, that is when you will know you've grown so much and see just how strong you really hard. And like they say, God never put us in a situation he doesn't feel we can surpass.

[stevef20]

Wildchild, youre such a star , i thank you sincerely.

 

Is this healing though or just feeling heartbroken ?

[stevef20]

Di84, Thank you,

 

im so sorry to hear that you had to go through what im feeling right now for so long, im still accepting whats happened and can only hope im not feeling it for that long, not sure i have the strength to cope so well done you

Sadly i have already been down the route of begging and crying, did it for most of Jan, Feb and and your right it does nothing for you, infact quite the opposite, it just drives them further away.

Ive had the leave me alone finally as like you i feel like it was never clear until then (nearly 3 months) so i guess when you look at it that way, im actually 3 months into this and not 2 weeks because believe me like you ive cried everyday since Dec17th when she said its over.

It seems to me that when you actually get closure no matter how nastily its done that it helps, it appears at this time and only at this time can you finally start to accept that theyre gone and start to heal, i got my closure 2 weeks ago but it is only now as i think back that i realise that she has actually gone and isnt coming back, its heartbreaking of course but i guess its the only way to move on.

 

Heres to only having 1 more month of this terrible pain.

 

Thank you again for your post

[Di84]

ufff i so know the feeling, trust me!! I'm dealing with it right now as I write this.... I think of him all the time and I really don't want to. Why should we waste our time thinking of them when they clearly don't think about us? Really, the best way to move on is for them to be so utterly blunt and mean to us..... it's like just ripping off a bandaid. quick and painful, but once it's off...u start to heal. It's a lot faster than slowly removing the bandaid. Unfortunately, in my case..... i removed that bandaid verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slowly...... but now, when you finally have no choice but to let go and move on, that is when you start to really find yourself again.

Think back to previous heart break in your life. Do you remember feeling like you wouldn't get through it? I do. And now when I look back, I laugh and wonder what I even saw in that person!!!!!!!!!! We will get better in time. Onwards and upwards!

[stevef20]

di84,

 

Be strong my friend, your right, Q, why do we think of them when they couldn't give a stuff, A, because we loved them and still do.

 

We are so in the same boat here, your just a little closer to the end, i wish you all the luck in the world, i really do, youre clearly a kind caring person

 

Onwards and upwards is a good way to sign off.

[WildChild]

Is this healing though or just feeling heartbroken ?

 

It's both, you're healing your heartbreak, and healing through the pain. When my stepdad was dying of cancer, hospice gave us a booklet that outlined the stages of death, and the grieving process for the people/family who are left both during the stages of death, and afterwards. If you're bored, and it will give you something to do, maybe see if you can google it, or google the stages of grieving after a death. You'll be amazed that once you read it, how true those stages are when someone we love dies...and how true those same stages are when we lose a relationship or friendship or when they come to an end. It really does give you the same understanding of how one day you're doing good, and then next you're not etc. and to not beat yourself up, or feel like you're not making progress in healing, etc.