Im so heartbroken

[Di84]

Hi all.. Wow I feel for you guys.. Im pretty heartbroken aswell... The worst part is, its his birthday today... So thats all i can think of today, and I just keep thinking about what he has planned for tonight... I can`t wait for this day to be over lol. I miss him so much. I wont wish him a happy birthday. I dont want him to know i still think about him.. I am sick and tirred of looking like the pathetic one.. I am already embarrassed of have trying to keep contact with him, and he never did once.. Probably cause he knew that i would end up calling... How long have you guys been NC?

 

hey sweetnsour...

I did exactly the same thing as you. We broke up in October and I tried NC several times but failed every time. I am not on Day 7 of NC... but this time, he specifically yelled at me to not bother him or call him anymore.. that we do not even know each other anymore. It was really hard to hear,but i guess i needed it in order to let go and be forced to continue with NC.

Don't call your ex for his birthday... it will only stoke his ego and then he will shut you down again. Let him wonder why you didn't call and continue with NC.

[stevef20]

Hi Sweet,

 

My hearts with you, especially today.

 

Its great that you are not going to contact him today, really is the best thing i think although im far from a guru on this subject.

 

Alot of us here are soo in the same boat, its great to be able to come here and vent and get support.

 

Ive been NC for 3 weeks now but like you am embarrassed by how i begged and pleaded for her to come back the prior 3 months, really wish i hadnt done that, isnt hindsight a wonderful thing.

 

Keep up youre good work, youre doing great.

 

Steve

[sweetnsour231]

Thanks Steve and DI... Last time i spoke to mine.. Well i went on a date on Saturday.. Kind of to change my ideas.. And I got home at 2 am, texted him telling him i had been on a date and that i loved him and thought of him the whole time... He didnt respond. Then i texted him on monday morning saying.. I am truly sorry for the way i have been acting. Please delete all my texts i dont want you to remember me that way.. He wrote back, that i wasnt embarrassing myself, and that hearing about me dating kinda bothered.. I didnt know how to interpret that message.. So later during the day, i wrote back. No i am not actively dating.. Im not ready. He then responded You dont need to explain i was just saying... What does that mean? Anyways - i tripped out on him saying, I dont know why you would say that, you abandonned me twice already, you were setting yourself up for leaving me, and you wondered why i couldnt trust you? You dont think this relationship would last, no wonder you keep bailing on it. I dont know why Im still talking to you, im so upset with you, and so he told me fine, ill never answer back again.. I just workte back F*** you John! So, there is not way im going back on that. I will not contact him, and i wont go out drinking with my friends so that i end up phoning him..

I love this website, it really seems to help me, and make me see, how break ups do hurt and that im not alone. I guess there is not where else to go but up from here right..

[stevef20]

Wow, that was some outburst

 

And yes the only way is up, well at least i hope so (for us all)

 

You shouldn't stop going out with youre friends either, i know it will be hard but try and go out and enjoy yourself, maybe you could do yourself the timiest favour though and leave your phone with a friend in safe keeping

 

Sounds like the closure has been had now though and as we all seem to experience that means it will get easier

[stevef20]

Morning all,

 

Why are mornings and weekends more difficult than evenings and week days ?

Is it due to weekends being her off time and so I fear she will be with someone new ?

I hate mornings and weekends, I'm wishing my life away and it sucks.

On a final note this morning, I always seem to follow a good day with a bad one. Is this normal?

[resilient]

hi Steve,

 

I have been exactly there, except I found this site few days after breakup and was able to stop my emotional emails to her and further embarassment within two weeks (of course after some advices and scolding from the guys on here).

 

I think the problem is when we start knocking down all the red flags that we see at the beginning of the relationship and inspite of that we give all it what we have and leave ourselves so vulnerable. Just like a butterfly going into the flames.

 

Now it has been one month since breakup and 11 days since NC.

 

The only time I could stop myself from crying (being wussy as they say ) is when I convince myself that I have been acting like a child wanting a toy that I cann't have. Some times when I am driving I close the windows and shout my heart out to let the negative energy out.

 

Listen to this old song, will let you cry the remaining tears once and for all so you don't have to cry afterwards.

 

 

 

welcome to the gang

[stevef20]

Thanks for your words my friend.

 

I really wish I had found this site earlier, this would all be over now one way or another. It's a great site and one I will recommend to all.

 

It's funny you mention the car thing because I've done that a few times, as for sobbing be a wussy thing, I'm a wuss most definitely, always have been and always will.

 

Thanks again.

 

Steve

[kevin7787]

You write so good!

[Real Deal]

Steve-

 

This is not likely what you want to hear, but it captures not only the reason she left you and also the reason why you are so busted up over a relatively short relationship. Are you ready for this ? You placed the responsibility of your hapiness solely on her!! While that is a nice thing when a relationship starts, it wears off and has the opposite effect at some point in the relationship. Whether stated or not people sense this,as the underlying currents are easily picked up on. Once again, I say this not to be mean but what is your life all about? What I mean is what do you do for employment? Is is something that you truly love, or just a means to pay the bills? What are you hobbies outside of your relationships with women? What are your passions? I mean your deep love of doing something that you do regardless of what others think and you do not do for any external validation?

 

I know this sounds like I am being an a$$ but I will bet any money I have that you do not have anything that fits in there. If you do you likely let these things greatly slip or go away all together when you met this woman. Feel free to discount what I am saying because you say "no, she was special and so was our love." Total nonsense and BS. You are looking for the "why" of the BU when the answer you seek is right in front of your face. As a man you must accept your role in the BU. Otherwise, you will continue in agony. Keep posting my friend!!

 

RD

[Real Deal]

Oh, the other thing is you had no boundaries with her. She did things that you did not like and instead of pointing it out to her and being firm, you got paranoid and spied on her to ease your insecurities. This is not what a MAN does. You need to set boundaries - not to be imposed on her as a control mechanism, but for your own self-worth and peace of mind. Letting things 'slide' makes it 10 times worse when trouble arises. Sure, in doing this you WILL lose people (friends too) that you care deeply about. This is your choice though - whether you want to live your life from a position of fear or a position of POWER (over yourself). Seems like a no-brainer to me.

[stevef20]

Rd,

 

As sad as it is you may be right, I did stop my hobbies and indeed everything else for this girl.

 

Thank-you

[hitone]

So did I Steve, well not everything, but I certainly lost contact with a lot of friends. It was actually she who had nothing outside of the relationship, which is what killed it for me. You can't be the only reason for another person's happiness and vice versa. My ex just has another dude who bares that responsiblity now and as much as it hurts and despite all the tears, she wasn't and isn't going to change so it was either now or at some point in the future. Life will move on because it has to.

 

The important thing is, you're being honest (more importantly with yourself, it doesn't matter what we think). Now you can address those issues with yourself and it will eventually free you. I guess this is kinda what people mean by "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

[stevef20]

Hitone,

 

I think I may be learning a very valuable lesson here, I will never let this happen again.

 

It hurts terribly that I've lost her but at least it won't happen again.

 

Thanks my friend.

[hitone]

Hey buddy, it took me 2 decade long relationships to figure this out. Ok finally I learned, and next time (assuming that even happens), I will find someone who won't depend on me so completely. Even though it was not me who relied solely on the relationship in order to be happy, there must still be something in me that led me to be with someone like that, so that is a lesson I have learned and must look at.

 

We're all learning and we're all hurting, but we can make it count for something.

 

Good luck!

[stevef20]

Hey hitone,

 

Thanks agin for youre kind words, its good to get support no matter how hard hitting sometimes.

 

They say opposites attract my friend so maybe as you have already recognised, this is youre learning here.

 

I hope youre ok mate

 

Ditto on the good luck

[resilient]

Rd,

 

As sad as it is you may be right, I did stop my hobbies and indeed everything else for this girl.

 

Thank-you

 

you know steve? On my part and in my particular case, I think it is my lack of integrity that led to my devastation after break-up... if it was another girl, maybe with lower standing, I would have reacted differently and I would not have let my boundaries to be crossed...

 

I am sure with this girl you must have compromised things that you would not have compromised to your ex. whereas your position should have be fixed in both cases.

 

maybe I am wrong in my assessment but that's the big lesson that I am learning.

[hitone]

Thanks Steve,

Actually I'm not really ok otherwise I wouldn't be here. I went out and got terribly drunk last night and woke up today thinking man I gotta do some thinking which must lead to some doing! I see it a little like a fight, a boxing match if you like. I lost one round, but overall I'm winning. I'm still standing and today I'm thinking straight, tomorrow I'll do something.

 

We got to keep giving ourselves something to look forward to. At first it will help distract you from looking back and in time it will just be motivation in itself.

[stevef20]

resi, Its definitely the lesson im now learning, its time to get that self belief back and build a few bridges, well soon anyway for now its a bit raw and hurting to much.

 

 

Hitone, I thought about the drunk route but was stopped by a few mates who said id feel worse in the morning wish i had now.

 

As much as you are hurting it appears that you have a plan to get yourself on track and that you 100% believe that you have done the right thing, its a great place to start from and i envy your strength, i hope to join you in that place very soon

 

Your final line is good aswell, think im going to have to get some golf booked up.

 

Always here to chat my friends

 

Steve

[siriusstar]

Hello Steve (and others too). I just came accross your series of posts sort randomly on the internet by mistake because I was searching for something similar, and I decided to register here just so I could to speak to you. I am so sorry for this terrible torture you are going through.

 

I have had a similar experience as you, and I can honestly say I know and understand the pain. However, I have dealt with it in a different way to you, and although of course, I am still learning, I think I have something new to add to your attempt to solve this very difficult problem.

 

We all experience terrible suffering at one or the other stage in our life. Indeed I think its the human experience to be confronted with this horrible gaping loneliness.. I think its important to start out seeing it this way, because often we get caught up in our own little individual experiences and we forget that in fact what we are experiencing is due to a deep insecurity, a deep longing for something other than ourselves to fill this empty space inside ourselves. And that is what we all are... we all try desperately to fill this terrible empty cup. We look left, right and centre for something to kill the pain. It usually takes the form of the lover, or it can take another form, maybe we take drugs, maybe we escape through some other form of entertainment. But still the pain lingers, in the morning it is there, it is always following us, chasing us even...

 

It is because we are not inwardly free in this way, that we use other people to try and fill what we think we need. We fall in love and then we hope that this will be the thing that we were looking for. But inevitably it is short lived, because the other people we lean on are also inwardly empty, and trying to fill the gaping hole. The only difference is your ex-girlfriend does it in a different way... maybe she is hoping to escape through some other means - we can only guess, but I suspect she was just playing a game with you out her own insecurity - it is her way of undoing her past pains. She is also just as trapped as you are. So you must see that. We all try to fill the loneliness, except that it simply takes different forms.

 

So after seeing that, then comes the real issue. We must free ourselves from our shackles, not by hammering away at it, and getting angry with ourselves. I also know how angry one becomes to see that such a thing can have so much control, and that no amount of self-analysis, introspection, crying, screaming.. ultimately appears to end it. Its not something you can drive away through simple will. In fact, it only gets stronger and stronger like that until we explode.

 

It comes first and foremost from understanding human nature, understanding this problem is universal suffering, and then through that understanding take

a different step.. instead of trying to get out of it, take a step back and imagine that you can see all these problems in the palm of your hand, that you are a distant observer and that nothing can touch you while you are doing that. You can see the intricate structure of your longing, of your past hurts and unfulfilled desires, your wish to be something other than you are. If you can keep doing that maybe every morning, then there will no longer be an intense struggle, it will only be a mild one.

 

The next step is more subtle, and you have to be careful to do it right. Imagine that everything around you is falling away except for yourself. You are in a space of immense calm and serenity, you can feel the thumping of your heart and the blood around your veins, and the breath in your lungs. Take deep breaths and imagine only that you are one with that breath. Then you will see things in a more lightened mood. Dont expect the pain to disappear, just allow it to follow a natural course without resistance or movement.

 

What this does is to remind you that you can feel the pain, but the pain is not of you, it is just an experience. What you experience is only there because you give it energy. If you withdraw energy it will dissipate. Give it time. Its not an easy solution, but its a real one. Thats all I can say. Try it and tell me what you think.

 

Good Luck.. we are all here for you.. we all have to go through a similar thing. We are all together in this, so there is no need to be afraid.

 

I really hope this helps you, if not then I hope you find a solution elsewhere. Just be easy on yourself.