engineeros Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 I just thought that my case was slightly different because she talks to me every now and then... Link to comment
engineeros Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 No iwas planning to send whatever we agree on here, because simply I'm clueless about what to say Link to comment
jumper11 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I'd go with dramallama's advice. I know you think its being too assertive , but it's not. I was just in your shoes, not even 2 months ago (in regards to sending that message). I took her advice, and trust me, it's not being 'too' firm. It does what you need to do -- you will read the message you sent if you take her advice and days you will realize it was calm, and the right way to send a message. I know you're trying to sound 'nice' but seriously I've been there and you send the 'nicer' message you will look back on it, and be like, "what was I thinking" because the 'nice' parts override the meaning of the message. Send the message, go full NC delete ALL family and main mutual friends. Since I've taken her advice I have gotten a lot of contact, and got to see things that have helped me move on a little. Had I not taken her advice, I would not have healed AT ALL and I'd be at square one. I'm on like day 45 NC because of her and I wouldn't be here without her. I know you feel like you'd be harsh- I know because I felt the same. But it's really not harsh. She didn't think too much about you when she left you and afterwards, so it's time for someone to think for themselves - which is you- and try to get your life back. Link to comment
jumper11 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 And no they all talk here and then, like mine did, for the first 2 months I fell for everything he said basically, and I wanted to be 'nice'. I sent a similar message as she recommends on the forums, did Full NC, and after a month NC I am getting much different messages than just "How are you". That doesn't mean that him and I will ever work out. But it means something has shifted and there has been change. Which is good. I don't want to be at his mercy replying to how are you doing. So I think you should do what she is saying, as hard as it is. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 My ex stayed in constant contact with me, also, during 5 of the 6.5 months after he broke up with me. I finally went NC around the first of the year, because I'd just had enough. One and a half months later, he started writing me again, and within 3 days of that, asked me back. We've been back together for a month now, and we're both very happy. Every case IS slightly different...that's why you have to choose your own path, based on your instincts and personal knowledge of your situation. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for every situation. Link to comment
engineeros Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 After 45days NC, u think there is hope? Or u just moved on? Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Honestly? I had started moving on in my head. We'd never gone that long without contact, and I truly believed that it might be over. I found myself thinking about him less, and thinking about other things more. I was in no way, shape, or form ready for another relationship, I was just trying to learn to be single. I reminded myself of the bad aspects of our relationship, and refused to allow myself to think about the good. It's kind of funny, I once read that IF there is any hope of them missing you, it takes 6 to 8 weeks of no contact for them to start missing you...IF there is any hope. It was almost exactly 6 weeks after I went NC that he wrote and said he just couldn't stand to not talk to me anymore. I may get slammed for that, but, the fact that we're back together and happier than before, because we're actively working on the situations that caused us to break up in the first place, is proof that it does work for some people. I wish I could tell you that it will work for you, but, I simply cannot. I don't know what's in your ex's mind, or if there is any hope. That's why I can only encourage you to listen to your instincts, and follow them. And if they're being unclear, then for your own sake, stay away from her for now. Sometimes, a little distance allows us to clear our thoughts, and help us move forward, regardless of what direction we take. Link to comment
jumper11 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I know its not a size-fits-all but I've learnt that a message like that is actually quite simply stating what you need -- and want. Just my opinion. Instead of writing on and on and losing your point and your intentions. Well, its around 45 days NC and 3.5 months since the breakup, and I don't know, I try to not hold hope but it's hard not to sometimes, but it takes ALOT of NC sometimes to even start getting anything reasonable. My ex is starting to write out paragraphs and such now, and even that isn't enough to respond to, so I don't know. 45 days NC really isn't all that much in the grand scheme of things.... You might think it is but it isn't really. The longer I've gone NC, the more contact/curiosity I get from him quite often. But everyone is different. I'm glad Oneironaut that you two got back together by the way. Yeah mine started expressing some emotion after 5 weeks I guess, it's true about the 'missing' part. Though it isn't always nearly enough lol. I'm glad you two are good! Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 She's broken up with you. You want to move on. You tell her that she is welcome to talk to you. But if it isn't about reconciling, you need space. There is really nothing jerky about putting your own needs first at all and the way that I've worded the message is VERY neutral and straightforward - which is why you don't like it. You want to be the nice guy, but sorry, she will just use you to feed her ego and to move onto someone else. You need to give her space to think things through. You can't keep in touch with her. It has to come from within her and on her own with zero pushing from you. If you pull away she will realise what she had between you, your mystery level will go up, you will gradually become more confident that you do NOT need her. And you keep missing my point - you need to stop worrying about what she thinks. And another benefit of NC is that you will have less to analyse over, so you'll be given less false hope unless she makes a bold move, several moves, to get you back and is clear about it. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 But you can word your message however you want. I'm just saying that you should keep it to the point, with no emotions, because she is not your girlfriend anymore. Because you haven't accepted that it's over for her, you want to treat her as your girlfriend, which is why you struggle with the idea of being assertive. I word the message specifically so it is clear and emotionless, and I even let you say "take care" at the end. I can see straight through your psychology and I know how those gears are turning in your head. I see it every single day here and I can relate. So understand that I have reasoning behind what I suggest because I'm a neutral observer, I've read stories like these over and over, and also I can see the bigger picture more than you, while you are sitting there lasering in on your ex "what will she think of meeee?" When I am here to be calm and stable and to help you do what is best for you to heal AND what is best for your ex to come back. I make no promises about your ex to come back, but at the very least you WILL heal if you take my advice. If she comes back, consider it a bonus. Link to comment
mark4 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 Personally I would go with Drama Llama's email.. It's assertive and straight to the point, I know you want to include memories to try and spark them in her mind but the happy memories will be in there anyway. It will take missing you for them to come out properly and for her to potentially want them back. She may see you putting them memories in as being a little soppy, I'd just go with the short and assertive mail, seems a little more manly which will also may be more attractive as it shows your are being strong rather than trying to bring back memories of the old times. That's my opinion anyway... and being strong and assertive with my ex is working for me so far if you read my threads. Link to comment
engineeros Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Alright sent, now wait and see...thanks for the help everyone Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Did you delete her from FB? Link to comment
engineeros Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 yea, i hope this works drama, i love her madly Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 If you love her, let her be free and respect her wishes to be free from you. If she comes back to you, FOR A RELATIONSHIP, and nothing less, then it's meant to be and SHE truly loves you back. Until that happens, and it might never happen, accept that it's over for good. Link to comment
engineeros Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 actually now that I think about it, I realize that yes i made many mistakes, but in no way did i deserve what she did to me....yes i was way more romantic in the beginning, and became so distracted away from her, i used to get upset and mad on regular basis (sometimes with no right), I never ever made it clear to her when am i taking the next step (I didnt really have a plan to be honest), I do have one now but meh too late...But I think I deserved a warning, I deserved her to sit down and talk to me, not remove me from her life, delete my pics and re-add her douche ex, I wasnt very good to her, but i honestly loved her, never thought for 1 second to cheat on her...I deserve better... So I've been hitting the gym (every dumped guy does that lol), taking care of myself, quit smoking and video games, gonna focus on school...and whatever happens happens....U guys really helped me go through this...Thanks, specially drama Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 You're right, she SHOULD have communicated instead of dumping you. But it is what it is. That's the way she chose to deal with issues that she had, and see it as part of her character flaws that she chose to walk away instead of communicating. She is the one that has given up and lost out, not you. At least you won't be able to see what her and her douche ex are saying on facebook. Ignorance is bliss. You should really read the non-chalance thread in my sig AND Real Deal's post in my other thread in my signature - NOT to get your ex back - but as an approach to dating (where non-chalance REALLY shines), during relationships and as an approach to life. If you combine non-chalance to dating and relationships, and no contact when non-chalance has failed and you need to put up boundaries, you will be untouchable. You don't have to read it now, but when you are ready to start dating. It will help you understand the psychology of women, and what makes for an attractive man. I do not recommend to for getting an ex back because you think you are playing them, but most of the time I just see dumpees getting played, but def give it a read eventually. This is a great time to work on yourself. But don't put too much pressure to succeed at EVERYTHING at once. Even quitting smoking on its own is hard. But you will feel mentally and physically better for taking care of all aspects of yourself now. Treat yourself with care. And it's ok for men to cry. And you're welcome. Link to comment
engineeros Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Real Deal's post in my other thread in my signature This post is gold! Link to comment
engineeros Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 ughhh, I signed out (I never log in now) from the IM we used to talk over, and I got an email that she sent me an offline message: Just thought I would say hey W T F is this!!!! Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Ignore it! It's nothing. She can feel the power slipping and she wants to know she's still got you. Link to comment
dramallama Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 And delete that IM account too, or uninstall the program. Link to comment
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