My ex-girlfriend broke up last week, and texted me back, confused & need help

[engineeros]

Ok, this will be alittle long but i desperately need help and i'm sure u guys know what i'm talking about. I met this girl on a dating website 9 months ago, she just got out of a long term relationship then, and was ready to move on, me being a responsible guy and i'm studying for a very high degree in a reputable school, I think she saw a good future with me (I think this is kinda a key point because her ex was a douche loser in my opinion)

Anyway, things were going great, I got really busy with school, and she did some things that made me mad and i didnt treat her right for a month, suddenly she dropped the bomb and told me she doesnt wanna be in a relationship with me, 2 months before this, she used to always post that i'm the love of her life on fb, she even deleted her ex from her friends's list just because i asked her to...once she told me she wanna break up, i broke down and started promising i will change and i'm sorry and almost begged, she said no! Meanwhile i was reading a book about getting ur girlfriend back, and it said u gotta do a no contact phase, i started doing that and it kills, so she texts me like once a day with stuff like "I know u dont wanna talk but i wanted to say hi and hope u r safe", and stuff like that, i respond politely that I respect her decision and she says ok. For what it's worth, i decided to go on a vacation, booked a flight and flew away, she texted me like 3 times in 2 minutes when i was on the plane asking if i was going forever, and said she hopes not. Today she added her ex back on fb, and posted a status saying "She's happy"

I need serious help because i am going crazy!

[Tryptophan]

Part of the No Contact commitment is not checking on websites such as FaceBook, MySpace, Twitter, etc etc. She might be putting that status because she knows you're checking on her. Just block her and don't check on her page and give yourself a breather, stay away from her. It's not healthy to hear about her life, why do you want to know their life is going great when you're in pain aka "going crazy"?. Just text her and say "Please do not contact me", and let her go her way. You need your time to heal.

 

Do not get tempted to reply back if she does respond. Do not beg her because if she'll probably like that and want you to keep on begging. Some girls are just b-itches that way.

 

She's just using you to get over the break-up while she finds someone else to run to. You don't want to be there, trust me!

[engineeros]

I totally agree that NC requires that I dont check at her at all, but its so friggin hard, i'm suffering just to hold myself from talking to her, i love her so much to be honest and I think she's the one for me, I know this sounds desperate but I did all what the book said to do 1st to make sure that i'm not acting out of rejection or stuff like that.

Ur words agree with the book about me texting her and asking her not to talk to me at all, BUT wouldnt that kill my last hope? I am so lost...thanks for ur instant reply, i never felt like that before

[Tryptophan]

I know how hard it is. I was going through the same but I just deleted my last few social networking site accounts to stop myself from checking compulsively. You're the only one that can stop yourself from checking on her.

 

If she loves you, she will find you so you're not killing any hope. She's the one that dumped you so she has to do the finding - not you. You are the dumpee and need some healing time and she needs to respect that. Just tell her that you're hurt and that you just need some time alone. Maybe the time you spend away from her is the time that will make her realize she needs you in her life. Or maybe not. Who knows? You just need to worry about yourself and the only thing you can do for yourself is NC. Dedicating your life to her and getting her back will probably just bring disappointment and you'll regret wasting even more of your precious time on her.

[redtan]

There's nothing you can do buddy. Not only were you just a rebound, but apparently you treated her badly in that 'relationship'. That's already 2 strikes on you and you had the odds stacked up against you simply by being a rebound.

 

Time to move on from this chick, clearly you mean nothing to her and you should not be giving any of your attention.

[engineeros]

but she is continuously checking mine too, she comments and sees everything real time, I have a hard time believing I was a Rebound. She was really crazy about me, till very recently, what does it mean that she is itching to talk to me, I'm not sure she is but I think so.

[engineeros]

Is there anyway to know if she is really just using me get over the breakup or she really cares?

[dramallama]

You need to delete her from facebook. Seriously. Do it now.

[lavenderdove]

If you love her and think she's the one for you, then you need to tell her that and see what she says.

 

If she still refuses to date you, then tell her that she can contact you if she changes her mind, but meanwhile you need to heal and move on, so don't contact you unless she things she might want to consider dating again.

 

Then stick to that. Whenever she contacts you, ask her if she's changed her mind. If she says no, then just go back into no contact. You have to really shoot straight and refuse to engage in any games or fall into the 'best buddy' trap. Just calmly make what you want clear (to only hear from her if she changes her mind and wants to try again), then stick to that.

[engineeros]

You need to delete her from facebook. Seriously. Do it now.

 

What does deleting her accomplish and how does it help bring her back? Won't this move finalize the breakup? Which is what I wanna avoid

[dramallama]

She dumped you. How much more clarification do you need that it's over? There is nothing you can do to get her back, so the best thing to do is to allow her to live with the consequence of dumping you which means you disappear, and that includes deleting her as your facebook friend (because you two are not together and are not friends), and then changing your settings so they are super private, which they should be anyway for your privacy in general. If you don't allow her to live with the CHOICE of breaking up with you, you just end up hanging around like a bad smell which is VERY unattractive to anyone, but especially your ex, who had enough of you by the time they came around to dumping you.

 

If you want to make things worse and keep her attraction towards you down, then stay in touch. But people want what they can't have. If you disappear and tell her to ONLY contact you if she wants reconciliation, then she WILL reconsider being with you. She may decide that it was the right choice to break up, or she might want to reconcile (and she WILL be clear about if she does want to be with you.) Leaving someone alone makes the mystery levels go UP, which makes the curiosity and attraction levels go UP towards you. Not to mention just by the tone of your post you are DESPERATE to get back with her, and that is also unattractive. Do a complete 180 of how you want to act to get her back, because if you chase after her she will just be turned off, but if you pull away she will get curious.

 

But don't do it for her, do it for yourself. You are analysing her facebook statuses. You should be spending your time healing, and giving her more space than an astronaut. Deleting her will set you free and send her the message that you are NOT going to do the friends thing, because only insecure people stay friends with their exes after they've been dumped.

[engineeros]

Brutal reply, I think u r right though. Gonna do it tonight, do I text her and tell her I'm cutting the chord?

[engineeros]

Can someone tell me if i should say something or just vanish? And what to say if yes...thanks everyone

[engineeros]

Any recommendations?

[dramallama]

It's up to you. I always suggest to people to write the following, since it makes going NC easier if you leave the ball in their court and then you can relax because you've given up control... "*your ex's name* I can't keep in touch with you. Even though I disgree with breaking up and I would like to work on things with you, I respect your decision. I would appreciate it if you only contacted me if it is to move towards reconciliation. If that is not your intention, then I would like you to give me space so that I can move on. All the best and take care. *your name*"

 

Do not put hearts and kisses, or "love". That message is the best because you are taking control of the situation and standing up for yourself saying that you are not going to stick around and be friends when you want more. You are taking back control. Be prepared for her to test you to see if you're serious. Unless she is saying "I made a mistake, I want to be with you" DO NOT RESPOND. "I miss you" or "I love you" does NOT necessarily mean she wants to get back together. If she thinks she's made a mistake in breaking up with you, not even you deleting her off facebook or going No Contact will stop her from getting you back. And it's the dumper's job to chase after you FOR A RELATIONSHIP ONLY, not the other way around.

 

I didn't mean to be brutal, but the truth will set you free. Facing your fear of letting go head on will give you back control, instead of begging and pleading and losing your dignity trying to change something that has been already been done.

[engineeros]

So a text or email is better than a phone call? We were used to text all the time and rarely called

[dramallama]

Whichever one, as long as you do it by writing because you will seem stronger. Don't do it by phone - you might break down and she will have the chance to ask questions and it will just all go downhill. The point is to TELL her that this isn't working and that you are not going to settle, not to open a discussion. So yes, text or email is best. Just be prepared to start NC from the minute you send it - including deleting her from facebook then changing your privacy settings to very strict (preview your profile to see how it will look). You can't go NC if you are still facebook friends.

[engineeros]

Should I delete her family n friends too? She deleted most of her friends from my side fwiw

[dramallama]

Her family, yes. Her friends, if they are mutual friends and you were friends before you dated her, then you can keep them if you like. But if you don't think you'll really be seeing them much because they are mainly her friends, then delete them.

[engineeros]

They r really nice to me, they r mainly her friends and I won't see them again but I would like to stay in touch with them really...gosh this will be so hard tonight... Ur logic is flawless, it's just so hard to accept that I'll go from the love of her life to the history dump.

[dramallama]

That's the way things are. When you love someone you will lose them someday, whether by breaking up or death. Treasure the good times you had, but that is in the past now. She's made her decision and there's nothing you can do about it. Yes, her friends WERE nice to you, but they are HER friends, and you are going to try to use them as an excuse to spy on her and to keep in touch. Force yourself to cut ties with them and delete them. Otherwise you will never move on.

[engineeros]

One last question please, she actually rarely texts me, almost once a day at most, should I wait till her next text to send the email? I mean won't it sound awkward if I go sending this email tonight without her even talking to me?

[dramallama]

You can just send it to her now and to take control of the situation. That way you're not going to be anticipating her contacting you and you can just get it over with. She doesn't have to talk to you before you send it. You can let her know for the future that you don't want contact unless it's for reconiciliation. She will probably try to test you though, so don't answer her whatever you do, even if she asks "why are you doing this?" Everything she needs to know is in that message. And you are worrying what she is thinking, but you need to start to turn your thinking around. Don't worry about what she thinks - do what is best for YOU.

[engineeros]

I'll just say: I hope ur right drama llama, she sent me something strange last night, her text was like

I just wanted to say hi and I hope u r having fun! I know u really don't wanna hear from me...

What is this for gods sake?

[dramallama]

It's just her wanting to keep in touch with you. I wouldn't go down that road. Even if you send the message be prepared for more non-sensical texts such as "..." It's a way to get your attention. Don't let her have her cake and eat it too, and don't analyse any contact she sends because it means NOTHING unless she is asking to reconcile. She can only play with you if you're in the game. Take yourself completely out of the game and regain your dignity by answering with silence.

 

And of course I'm right. But seriously, I know you think your situation is unique, but it's not. I see stories like yours every day on this forum. Staying friends will only help her move on to her next boyfriend quicker and give her an ego boost. Cutting her loose helps you heal quicker.