Too many pieces and what now?

[jakel]

After seven years of marriage I got divorced (the last two years literally were a tick away from "till death do us part") ](*,) I got into another relationship way too fast and definitely before the divorce was finalized. The woman that understands, The seven year itch, midlife crisis, all of that has been brought to my attention.

 

My then wife had quit her job very early on in our marriage and didn't get another even after my son began attending preschool. She started a business sewing baby clothing instead. I had my concerns that starting a business when we were barely scraping by and had a new baby was a bad idea. She accused me of trying to dominate her started the business and took a loan from my parents after i asked her not to. I worked 10-14 hour days in 100+ heat to come home to no dinner, no groceries, no clean dishes, no clean laundry,a thrashed house, a sink full of rotting food and "soaking" dishes and a discontent kid who had been watching hours of tv and a wife complaining about how I never helped do anything and I was like having another child around. She some how in a days time would turn out a couple of baby bibs profit with overhead $10! she got 7 credit cards maxed them all out and eventually put us into bankruptcy.

 

I will be the first to admit I have made a lot of very bad decisions in my life. Getting a divorce when I was miserable there was no unity and no communication and the severity of the arguing was traumatizing our son and had been going on for years, is not one.

 

Getting into a relationship with a women 8 years younger than me while still reeling from a bad marriage yes. This woman seemed to be everything the other wasn't. She was independent, not blaming, quick to apologize, was grateful when I was giving, was giving in return, she even seemed to be speaking the same language I was at the same speed! i She also said she wanted to be married to me over and over again. and took me to meet her parents in another state who I hit it off with.

 

She and I thought it best to keep it on the dl for awhile until things were less fresh with the divorce. We were able to accomplish that for awhile until a mutual "friend" who was attempting to date my soon to be ex wife thought it might score him some points to tell her he had bumped into the two of us together.

 

The fatal flaw with my new girlfriend was she was jealous, not a little jealous GREEN EYED MONSTER jealous. My ex wife bless her dark soul somehow became privy to this and did her best to en cite jealousy on a number of occasions. One of which became a fistfight between the two of them.

 

I rather then feel flattered by all of this fuss wanted to blow my brains out. By now the girlfriend and I were living together and she was regularly going into jealous rages breaking dishes walls etc. Every time profuse apologies, shame remorse, tears. I felt awful, I felt responsible, I still do to some degree. She was plagued by comparisons and jealousy and had an underlying guilt that we had gotten together too soon.

 

Then the violence started She attacked me in a fit of jealousy I restrained her and when she calmed down I left. I talked to her later and told her I thought we should break up she talked me out of it some how. It happened a few more times and before I knew it I was hitting back. I broke up with her she broke up with me we always ended up together again. It was a vicious cycle in retrospect but I was too in it to know. It was the best of times it was the worst times.

 

I was in a high state of anxiety most of the time and began to fantasize about her leaving me. I at the same time felt a love I had never had before for this woman She said she wanted to take a break and that she wanted me to have more amends with my ex and knew that wasn't possible with her around. I begged her to stay with me. She took her break and went to help her mom who was sick with cancer. We talked off and on while she was away. I bought her a ring while she was gone. When she came back she wanted no contact. On the night she left to go back to her moms I called her and told her I had gotten her a ring she told me to hang on to it.

 

She left this time for almost a month we had very little contact because we "were taking a break" I eventually called her and asked her flat out,"is this a break or are we done?" she called back and said we were done

 

I called texted, begged, blamed, accused, raged, u tubed music, cried, etc. That was a little over 5 months ago she had no response or seemed frustrated with me. I knew this thing was all wrong but, had had an exp of feeling loved and feeling loving in the midst of the fray. I wallowed in shoulda, coulda, woulda, and jealous paranoid rumination for months. I went nc but at the month mark I would end up calling her and leaving a voice mail about some frothy nostalgic memory, followed by some nastiness when I did not hear back, followed by an apology.

 

It sucked I could not manage my emotions I was breaking down in public at work and barely able to operate. I will say it gave me a sense of compassion for my ex wife's pain in our divorce and I was able to express that to her. My friends were sick to death of me going on about her and told me I was lucky to get out of it alive.

 

I got to a point where I had some clarity about the whole thing and realized she was miserable and tortured and we were violent with one another and it was really good it was over. I texted her "that I was so sorry for the animosity and blame that had come her way and that I was grateful for loving me when we had been together, and that if anyone understood the necessity of getting out of something that wasn't happy enough it was me and wished her the best" she texted back "thank you that means a lot totally reflected thank you for your freedom I wish you the best " I erased the texts her # and struck out to start a new life.

 

I confided in a friend of mine who knows the whole story and told him i had fear I was going to get hopeful about her again. He told me I needed to get that smashed that her Fb said she was in a relationship.

 

I looked at her cover page sure enough there she was with this sob with his arm around her and standing next to her mom I had met 10 months prior. It hurt bad I emailed her "congrats on your new relationship I'm sorry if this is a little late, maybe 4 months or so, boy was I deluded! thank god I didn't marry you! I don't envy this poor (choice word) ps I think your a psycho have a nice life." Then I utubed her a resentful audio slave tune WHAT YOU ARE.

 

Anyways its been about a month nc again over 5 since we broke up. I feel like I want to move on. I still can barely listen to Music, I still tear up when something reminds me of her.

 

I dont want to stay this jaded resentful person i seem to have become. I want to let bygones be bygones I want to forgive and forget. Part of me wants to text her and just apologize for my resentment and move on. Another part of me thinks I will just get looped again if I do.

 

I have zero self confidence, I feel self loathing, scary, ugly old and unlovable, I feel as if I destroyed my life, I feel like whats the point of ever being in a relationship again, I feel lonely and depressed as anything. My son who is seven is with me on the weekends and i have that purpose there. but during the week I'm very lonely. I asked one woman out to coffee she said OK and then revealed at coffee she lived with her boyfriend. I don't know where to go from here my fear is I wont stop missing my ex girlfriend until I get out and date. The rejection and insecurity is kind on my like a bad smell I think. OMG I WROTE A NOVEL! IF YOU READ THIS FAR THANK YOU!

[SapphireNoir10]

I would take the ending to both relationships as blessings in disguise. Now you have time to get YOU together and concentrate on being happy alone. Your not unlovable youhad TWO bad relationships.

[HeartGoesOn]

How much time was there between the divorce, and meeting this other woman?

[jakel]

became romantically involved with my now ex girlfriend 2 months after I told my wife I wanted a divorce and moved out. I met her a month prior to getting involved we worked at the same job. The job was one I got when I moved out of my then wives residence back to my hometown. In ca it takes 6 months to be divorced so we got together when I was still technically married but legally separated because the paper work was still going through. We got together way too soon and it probably doomed it from the start.

[jakel]

Thank you I have had more time to work out financial problems etc. I have some ideas where I would like to be before I'm in a relationship again as well