Cannot shake off feeling of worthlessness after being cheated on long term

[SadAndy]

Hi folks,

 

I was in a relationship for 14 years (first love) in which I was cheated on for 5 years of that. I found out after the first time, 6 months, and then it re-started about a year later up until I got dumped (see other threads for full story, if interested!)

 

The problem that I have is that I did nothing wrong in order to push her into having the affairs and I have spoken at lenghth to counsellors and I know deep down that she is the one with the problem.

I just cannot help feeling, almost needy in terms of being told by her that she's sorry, still loves me and won't do it again etc. I find myself constantly talking to her about my fears of the future etc while she, although deeply upset by it all and seriously traumatised by some of her decisions, can seemingly be unaffected by it and almost, forget it whilst I am constantly bothered by it all.

 

I have a well paid job, a good sense of humour and am only 34 so why am I feeling so low with a complete lack of self worth when I have very little to beat myself up about in terms of the relationship going wrong?

[In the Dark]

Sometimes it takes absolutely nothing to be honest.

You could do all the right things as a partner should.

 

All it can take is for someone to want someone new in one way or another.

 

What she wanted may have been something that only a short term relationship could hold.

Which is why women and men may not get into a long term relationship until they have satisfied themselves with relationships which they know are going to end up in catastrophe because there are elements in the behavior within the relationship which can not hold long term.

 

You can fill in the reasons...which you know well as you are most likely right and have never had reason to cause any dysfunction.

For example, being attracted to douche bags, bad guys, flaky men, being treated like crap, the sort of behavior which for some reason she may want to experience which you may not exhibit.

She may find some sort of excitement in an affair.

The thrill of it being taboo.

Is it all rational?

No but it never was about being rational but doing it because of the feeling it gave.

 

In your partners case I would say she never had the chance to be in various relationships to satisfy that check list in what she wants which eventually lead to the affair(s).

[Crazyaboutdogs]

If she can cheat on you for 5 years then she is clearly not the type of person who will feel bad about it. Nobody what she says, there is something damaged within her that she can't feel true remorse. Don't expect it of her because she is not the type of person who can deliver. The sooner you can truly accept that she is damaged and can expect nothing from her, the easier it will be on you to move forward. This type of character will cheat on anyone so this is not a personal thing against you. Do not internalize this and view yourself in a negative way because this one very emotionally damaged person betrayed you. Focus on all of your other accomplishments instead of this relationship. This relationship does not make you who you are...who you are is your character, morals, values and accomplishments. Who YOU are is not dependent on how anyone else treats you.

[Shnoodle]

I think by your choice of staying in a relationship like that so long, you have in a way told both her and yourself that this is the treatment you deserve. You let yourself be treated like dirt just by sticking around, and now that's what you feel like. In my opinion the best way to break that cycle is to never let people treat you so poorly, no matter how much you love them. That means cutting out cancers like relationships with this woman. I also completely agree with Crazyaboutdogs, how messed up she is is no reflection on you.

[bulletproof]

I think by your choice of staying in a relationship like that so long, you have in a way told both her and yourself that this is the treatment you deserve. You let yourself be treated like dirt just by sticking around, and now that's what you feel like. In my opinion the best way to break that cycle is to never let people treat you so poorly, no matter how much you love them.

 

Agree with this. I think that what you're feeling right now is a leftover from a relationship where you closed your eyes and accepted poor treatment. Surely you are somewhat upset with yourself for that? I'm confused as to why you still speak to her. Did I read that correctly in your post? If you are still speaking with her, please stop. It can't be healthy to constantly be reminded of the past.

[SadAndy]

Am I right though in thinking that a) the bulk of my feelings are normal and will fade and b) that ultimately, 'time' is the only thing that will heal it.

 

I really am stuck between a rock and a hard place as there is our 8 year old daughter to consider (who I love more than life itself) and also I am not the type of person (rightly or wrongly) who casts people I care about adrift when they need help and my 'ex' certainly needs help, the only question is whether she will accept it and on that one, I guess only time will tell.

 

Thank you to you all for your replies, they are really appreciated and valued,