Bit of a turnaround but guidance and advice needed still...

[mark4]

Hey, I'm starting a new thread which is moving on from my old one in the breaking up section. My thread was titles 'A little worried and sad'

 

To give a brief background I was with her for 3 years and dated on and off for 2 years prior to that. In a nutshell she broke up with me because she was going through a stage of wanting to go out all the time with new friends she met... she started going on totally wild out of control nights and I didn't like it. I worry about her when she is like that because she really cant handle herself. She ended up calling my house phone one night waking up my parents and I went mad at her. The next day she said she wanted space clearly feeling like she had no freedom.

 

Anyway for the next 2 weeks after that I went through some really bad times. I was really really heartbroken and down about it all... I was either crying, begging or really angry at her and made the situation 100% worse by becoming a 'repulsive beta-male'. When angry sometimes I said a lot of things which were out of order and regretted. So I would go through a cycle of apologising, crying, begging then angry again.

 

So.... after becoming a member of ENA around 3 weeks ago I discovered NC and Nonchalance. I have completely managed to get my act together, joined a gym...became happy within myself again, enjoying spending time with friends, making plans and throwing myself into work and doing really well. I have a real sense of pride in the new person that I have managed to become.

 

Now... NC has made her come back to me. BUT not completely - we have agreed to take things slowly and see each other now and again and have fun. So we are doing things like going to the cinema and out for meals maybe once a week.

 

We have added each other on bbm so we are back in daily contact... like on a morning wishing each other a nice day, then on an evening how was your day etc, then on a night time wishing each other a good night.

 

I'm trying to be nonchalant about the whole thing - I love her very much and I find it hard not to tell her she is beautiful now and again or how happy I am that we are talking etc. But most of the time I try not to be like that. I've learned from this site that it's going to be like a game for now. I need to become the prize so that she chases me rather than the other way around.

 

I just wanted to start this thread in order for me to be able to vent here about how things are going and I'd also like some input from all you guys here on my specific situation.

 

Any advice or guidance would be really appreciated. My ultimate goal is to make my girlfriend fall in love with me all over again.

 

I know there is still feelings there otherwise she wouldnt talk to me or ask me to go to the cinema or for meals etc... she has told me she still loves me and wants all of our future plans we had to still stand, but it will just take time.

[DN]

What made her decide she wants to see you again?

[mark4]

Well basically implementing no contact made her miss 'our little life we had' ... she called me up in tears and wanted to give it a go. It was nothing I said... it was the fact I wasn't saying anything and showing I have the ability to carry on my life without her that swung it I think.

[DN]

Be very careful. I hope that it does work out for you and it could. But guard your heart here and be aware that she may pull the same thing again. at the moment she seems to have what she wants - dating you and being able to go out on wild nights with her friends.

[mark4]

she told me she has came to realise that the wild nights out aren't a good look and not really very safe for her to be doing. So she has cut back, Your right though I do need to be careful and not risk my self improvement ... just wish it wasn't so complicated! How should I be playing it?

[DN]

Well, you seem to be doing OK but don't tolerate anything she does for the sake of keeping her in the relationship. If she is making a genuine effort to be part of a mutually rewarding relationship then keep going. But if she is just using you to have someone around as support or that she can use as a back-up if her other life isn't working for her then walk.

 

Cut back - so how many wild, drunken nights does she indulge in now?

[mark4]

she is still going out and enjoying herself but with her nicer friends who I have more respect for. thing is what you have just said... 'mutually rewarding' ... i'd be lying if I said it was right now. because what I want is my old girlfriend back and to feel wanted and loved. I just don't know if I am doing the right thing... I really hope I am.

[DN]

If you don't feel wanted and loved how is this working for you?

 

In your place I would tell her that either we are back in a relationship or not. This half-way thing clearly isn't working.

[mark4]

I feel like she is playing it cool at the minute... therefore I am having to do the same thing. I just dont see where that will end??

[DN]

She is getting what she wants - you are not.

[mark4]

What do I do about that though - I feel like we are making steady progress in some ways. I just want her to see the better person I have become. That will take time.... if I say look this isnt working for me because i'm not getting the fully commited relationship I want from you then it will just throw a spanner in the works and we will go back to NC and it will start all over again.

[lavenderdove]

OK, you're misunderstanding things if you think this website is about 'gaming' your ex back... No contact is about having respect FOR YOURSELF and recognizing that if you want to get over someone and heal, you can't be in constant contact and there as her backup plan while she trots off and experiences new people and things in an attempt to eventually replace you. You need to think about YOU and what is right for your healing rather than desperately grappling to get someone back who has tossed you over and is treating you like a casual date rather than acknowledging your feelings and history with her.

 

Someone who loves you should WANT to be with you and if the person doesn't want to be with you, then you need to let them go and experience life without you, such that they might realize they made a mistake. And if they don't miss you, then they didn't love you enough to be in the relationship to begin with.

 

So what is best for you right now? is she agreeing to be your GF again, or just meeting up with her 'friend' once a week for support, while the rest of the time she is out trying to meet new men? If she is not agreeing to date you and be exclusive at this point, then frankly all you are is her friend or a friend with benefits, if she still wants her freedom and plans to see/date other guys if she sees one who interests her. You can't want to be her security blanket while she looks for new guys. If all she's agreed to is to see you now and again and 'take things slowly', it just means she is buying herself all kinds of space to still party and meet new guys.

 

I personally wouldn't sign up for this. She neeeds to really miss you and see what life is like without you in it to recognize your value... otherwise you're just holding her hand while she parties and transitions out of your relationship into a new life.

 

So you need to start going out, meeting new women, recognizing that you are not her BF anymore because she is not allowing that, and until she says she wants you back, you should play a minimal part in her life and definitely not be her old standby when she needs comfort and support while she's off partying and meeting new men.

[mark4]

No we have both agreed while we are going through this stage that we won't be attempting to meet anyone else, we made that clear the other day. Thing is I feel like I have healed and I am able to be on my own, i'm not like checking every 10 mins to see if she is contacting me or not.

 

I do see your point though and it is quite worrying for me that I may be being a total mug here!

[DN]

I don't think you are being a total mug. I just don't see that there is any real plan or intention here and that is a situation where people get hurt.

[Tanzi]

It seems that you have taken a lot of things on board and worked on yourself. You said that you were proud of the person you had become and your gf wanted you back in her life but one things strike me here ...

 

It is along the same lines as LavenderDove said above - the game you feel you are now playing. NC (or nonchalence) is not a game to get someone back. Relationships should not be a game. OK, so NC has worked for you in a sense but has it really worked?

 

Your gf had got used to you begging, pleading and getting angry at her. Yes she might have found it "needy" and "desperate" and it may not have shown you in an attractive light but what it did show her is that you are still living in her shadow, hanging on to her, ready and willing to give things another go should she ever want that. That, in turn, gives her a sense of security because she knows if her new life doesn't turn out to be so great or rewarding she knows that are there for her to fall back on. You are her security blanket. You, then, change your ways. You work on yourself and become a more positive and confident person. That is a very positive step towards moving on and well done to you for doing that. However your gf becomes aware that there is a change in you, she starts to worry that you are no longer there for her, she is losing the security that you have provided, it makes her think of you more often, it makes her think she misses you. In short, she thinks she wants you back .... but wants you back how exactly? Back to being her fulltime bf or back to where she knows you are safely waiting in the wings once again, whilst she gets on with her life as she sees fit? That is the question you need to ask yourself. Maybe she wasn't even sure herself to start off with. The fact that you don't feel comfortable with the situation as it stands and that you feel you need to play a game in order to keep her interested shows that you feel it is the latter situation that is predominanty at play here.

 

If she is still on the path she originally set out when you first broke up then you need to realise that and set yourself back on the path you had worked so hard to get yourself on. Don't give up the life you were creating for yourself for someone who isn't doing the same.

 

I'm not saying give up on her entirely but neither should you give up your own life. I know you think that you need to come accross as nonchalent ... and to an extent I agree ... but it should NOT be a game. It needs to be a place where you get yourself for real. Why would you want to be sitting at home pretending to be nonchalent whilst all the time you are really worrying about her, what she is doing, who she is with and when you are next seeing her. You need to be out with your friends, at the gym, getting on with your life, making your own arrangements. Nonchalence is the way to be, not the way to pretend to be.

 

If you want to work on getting back together, it needs to be together. If she isn't with you on this then you need to recognise this and stop putting so much effort into HER and the relationship and more of an effort into YOU.

[mark4]

a-little-blue ... thank you for taking the time out to write that response.

You have spoken a lot of sense, everyone is telling me the same thing here so it's pretty clear I need to take action.

 

Now, in my opinion I have three options....

 

1. Tell her I'm not comfortable with the situation and want her as a full time GF or be nothing at all.

 

2. Stop being so nice and emotionally there for her until I feel she also has my back too and explicitly tells me she wants to be my full time GF.

 

3. Remain the way I am but lessen the contact and chill out a bit.

 

I can see from a mile off what you are saying about her having me back so that I am just there as her crutch until she moves on. However I also believe the things she has said to me in wanting to work things out but we just need to move slowly.

 

This leaves me confused about which option to take. I don't wanna shut the door using option 1.

 

I think I used the wrong phrase when I used the word 'game' as its caused a bit of reaction. I just meant it as in I have tried to used strategies such as NC in order for me to get out of the whole I was in and start getting on with my own life, and since she came back a little i've started using nonchalance as a strategy in order to not go running back and seem overly keen whilst also not shutting the door.

 

I have also seen time and time again that 'people want what they can't have' and that is a worry for me because she can have me and she probably knows that.

 

I just dunno what to do/say/not say because all I want in the end is for my girlfriend back. I feel like i'm making progress but I also feel like from what people have said I may just be being used as a crutch.

 

Don't get me wrong though.... I will never return to the crying/begging phase. I am a new man, and I do things for myself now and I am making plans with friends and getting out there and enjoying myself too.

[DN]

1. Tell her I'm not comfortable with the situation and want her as a full time GF or be nothing at all.

I would choose that option. I am not one to mess about and am either in a balanced relationship or not. If she can't make that choice that is her problem not mine.

[CrapAtNC]

Just to chip in here: it's perfectly fine to tell her how you feel, just be sure that you know and can demonstrate that you are fine regardless. If you think she looks beautiful, tell her so, but add a tease after to break the tension (plus, humor is a winner when it comes to attraction). And if you want more, you must be careful not to put pressure on her, so tell what you want, but no threats or ultimatums (they're ugly, destructive, and not at all necessary). Say what you want is to get the girl of your dreams back. Something like that. But not needy. Not threateningly. Just tell her, whatever it is that you want. Nonchalance isn't about playing a game or not being honest; it's about showing you are just fine no matter what.

 

Best of luck. You're getting some good advice here. Just make sure you're comfortable doing whatever it is you choose to do.

[Tanzi]

I think I used the wrong phrase when I used the word 'game' as its caused a bit of reaction. I just meant it as in I have tried to used strategies such as NC in order for me to get out of the whole I was in and start getting on with my own life, and since she came back a little i've started using nonchalance as a strategy in order to not go running back and seem overly keen whilst also not shutting the door.

 

I can understand that. I think we have all been there. Its just that some people really do see it as a winning formula to get an ex back.

 

As regards your options I think NO 3 is probably your best option. No-one really knows what is going on in your gf's mind. She may just want you back as her crutch whilst she eases herself out of the relationship or she may well want you back but be taking things slowly. I guess only time will tell so in that respect you could keep things as they are but keep an open mind and, yes, chill out a bit, get on with your life and see where things go, naturally.

[mark4]

I would choose that option. I am not one to mess about and am either in a balanced relationship or not. If she can't make that choice that is her problem not mine.

 

Won't that just highlight an inability to be independent and nonchalant about he whole thing - its like saying RIGHT - ALL OR NOTHING whats it guna be?

[DN]

There are any amount of women who would love to be in a relationship with you and that you would love to be with and who would treat you much better than she has. But there isn't any amount of time in your life. While you are wasting your time on this woman you are not able to find someone else.

 

People make relationships far more complicated than they need to be over issues like this. She's either with you or you look for someone else. She is not the only woman that you can love and be loved by. Stop wasting time and emotional energy on someone if she isn't reciprocating.

[CrapAtNC]

But his goal is to make her fall in love with him again. That's possible. But not with cold ultimatums.

[DN]

But his goal is to make her fall in love with him again. That's possible. But not with cold ultimatums.

Meh. You can't 'make' people fall in love with you. They either do or they don't.

 

And it isn't a cold ultimatum to say to someone "I love you and want to be with you. If you love me and want to be with me that will make me very happy. But if you don't I will be fine and will move on".

[CrapAtNC]

DN, I have to disagree. You can make people fall in love with you. And it's not by saying 'Be with me now, right now, or lose me forever.' Quite the opposite, in fact. It's a romantic dance, not a take-it-or-leave-it second-hand car deal.

[mark4]

There are any amount of women who would love to be in a relationship with you and that you would love to be with and who would treat you much better than she has. But there isn't any amount of time in your life. While you are wasting your time on this woman you are not able to find someone else.

 

People make relationships far more complicated than they need to be over issues like this. She's either with you or you look for someone else. She is not the only woman that you can love and be loved by. Stop wasting time and emotional energy on someone if she isn't reciprocating.

 

 

Pretty inspirational post - thank you!

 

Tell you what i'm guna just stop putting hours of my life in thinking and wondering about this. Not being big headed here but I am a catch, I know I am deep down... I'm not exactly Brad Pitt or David Beckham.... but i'm not the worst either, i've had my fair share of relationships in the past and girls wanting my attention. I've got a good career in IT - just found out my salary is about to increase slightly due to recent performance, so I must be slightly intelligent so thats a bonus haha. I'm only 23 so there is plenty more life in me yet.

 

CrapAtNC is also right though - cold ultimatums are going to get me no where in terms of winning her back. So i'm going to leave the door ajar for now. But i'm going to let her do the work and withdraw most of my emotional support and also the nicey nice attitude I have had with her. UNLESS I see some of that coming in my direction in which case I will reward it by being nice back.

 

Good plan?