Bit of a turnaround but guidance and advice needed still...

[DN]

DN, I have to disagree. You can make people fall in love with you. And it's not by saying 'Be with me now, right now, or lose me forever.' Quite the opposite, in fact. It's a romantic dance, not a take-it-or-leave-it second-hand car deal.

Well you can waste your time if you want to - me, I had better things to do and she came back to me anyway. And if she hadn't I would still have been OK and would have met someone else.

 

I see endless threads on here from people spending hours, weeks and months trying to get an ex back, messing about in half-hearted 'relationships' practicing no-contact for the wrong reasons, or being nonchalant but still using that as a way of not moving on.

 

It's a total waste of time and emotional energy. If people want to be with you, they will be with you. If you have been in a relationship with someone, have not been abusive and have done your part in making the relationship work and they still leave because they want to party or be free and single then let them go and move on. If they want to come back then consider it but only if they come back into the relationship. Anything else is wasting time on the wrong person when you could be looking for the right person.

 

In this case this woman wants the best of both worlds and is getting exactly that - but it isn't working for Mark, he isn't very happy.

[Tanzi]

You can't make someone fall in love with you but you can possibly help what is already there but that would still be for the OP's gf to find out in her own time.

 

This is more to do with the fact that they have reunited and she wants to take things slowly. There are plenty of couples that, after reuniting, have taken things slowly. If that is the decision they have made then I agree ultimatums could make the situation worse. However Mark4 is obviously uncomfortable about something. Either it is because he would rather NOT take things slowly and jump straight back in or it is because he is wondering why she wants to take things slowly. In this situation it could be that she doesn't want to commit too much time to him so that she can go out with friends etc. Is that wrong? I don't know. If they are committed otherwise, as has been mentioned above, then perhaps having time to themselves away from the relationship isn't such a bad thing.

 

Unfortunately, DN, life (or love) isn't always so black or white. It would be nice if it was but that just ins't the case. Sometimes we hit a few grey areas. We can either stick around for a bit and try to work on it or we can walk away immediately, never looking back. The latter isn't always so easy to do. Sometimes we need to stick around and work on things for a bit until we are ready to walk away.

[DN]

Unfortunately, DN, life (or love) isn't always so black or white

Yeah, it really is. The belief that it isn't is why people are so miserable.

[Tanzi]

I see endless threads on here from people spending hours, weeks and months trying to get an ex back, messing about in half-hearted 'relationships' practicing no-contact for the wrong reasons, or being nonchalant but still using that as a way of not moving on.

 

It's a total waste of time and emotional energy. If people want to be with you, they will be with you. If you have been in a relationship with someone, have not been abusive and have done your part in making the relationship work and they still leave because they want to party or be free and single then let them go and move on. If they want to come back then consider it but only if they come back into the relationship. Anything else is wasting time on the wrong person when you could be looking for the right person.

 

There is a reason why there is endless threads on here from people trying to get an ex back. Yes it is a total waste of time and emotional energy but that is something that an individual needs to work out for themselves. It isn't easy giving up on something that you may feel has a chance. It doesn't matter if the rest of the world can see that its not going to work, the person involved has to feel it, has to know it ... and they will, eventually. If something isn't going to work out then it is a realisation that the person has to come to terms with in their own time and someone else telling them that they are wasting their time is also probably a waste of energey. Of course in some cases, it is workable but its not something that is always evident from a few short posts.

[Tanzi]

Yeah, it really is. The belief that it isn't is why people are so miserable.

 

Its the belief that it isn't that makes the fact real. If it really where black and white then eNA, or at least the most used thread on here, probably wouldn't exist.

[DN]

Look at the original post here. This is a woman who left because she wanted to lice the single life and party. Now she misses the life she had with him but doesn't want to go back to it. She wants to go back to it once a week or so and also have the single life and party.

 

And he is supposed to go along with that while she decides which alternative she prefers? She may never decide.

 

Meh - too much nonsense. He should find someone else and not allow her to mess him about like that.

[DN]

Its the belief that it isn't that makes the fact real. If it really where black and white then eNA, or at least the most used thread on here, probably wouldn't exist.

Well, the most solid relationships I have seen have been those where people were clear about what they wanted and went for it. Most that fail have been because people were wishy washy and couldn't make up their minds or, once they had, changed them.

 

That is the difference between black and white and the alternative.

[Tanzi]

Look at the original post here. This is a woman who left because she wanted to lice the single life and party. Now she misses the life she had with him but doesn't want to go back to it. She wants to go back to it once a week or so and also have the single life and party.

 

And he is supposed to go along with that while she decides which alternative she prefers? She may never decide.

 

Meh - too much nonsense. He should find someone else and not allow her to mess him about like that.

 

Well they are only young. They can still be together but have time outside of the relationship, as long as they are commited to each other, of course. He said further down the thread that they had both agreed that they didn't want to date anyone else. It doesn't have to be about alternatives or having to make a decision either way. However, as is often said on eNA, they have to be on the same page but, admittedly, that doesn't seem to be the case here.

[mark4]

Reading all these posts... I agree with each one every time a new one pops up! DN is right in that I shouldn't be messed about - but the others are also right in that I shouldnt give up on something I believe in just because I am not getting what I want RIGHT NOW.

 

Maybe the way we are going about things the right way and allowing each other to have our own lives and have fun when we are together and I'm just finding it harder to adjust to that than she is as we used to be in each others pockets. So it's different now, but the closer days will come where we spend more time together.

[CrapAtNC]

Well you can waste your time if you want to . . .

 

It hasn't yet proven to be a waste of time. In fact, I can't think of a time when it's failed. And I'm being very honest.

[mark4]

It hasn't yet proven to be a waste of time. In fact, I can't think of a time when it's failed. And I'm being very honest.

 

From my posts... what do you suggest I do??

[CrapAtNC]

Making an ex fall back in love with you is not the same as making someone new fall for you, simply because of the history, and you are approaching from a very different angle.

 

To answer your question though, and after reading your posts, I would say you really do have to work on yourself, to make sure you can be more in control of your emotions this time round, and that includes anger as well as clinginess. I do agree with DN that you need to tell her what you want. The best time for that is when you can do so in a way that genuinely says that you'll be fine regardless. Then give her the space that she needs in order to miss you. You say things are going well, but actually you're just in contact, and that contact is a little too much if you ask me. Once you've told her you want you two to get back together (if that's really what you want--think about that, and I mean really think, not just go with what your insecurities are telling you), then pull back, give her a little time, and if she doesn't indicate a similar desire, move on.

 

You need her to miss you while also seeing that you are a new you, not the one who most likely made her feel smothered or perhaps controlled (I don't know; whatever the issue really was that made her want to start exploring single life again). You need to remove all emotional responses from your repertoire. You need to show that you have direction in your life, that others are attracted to you, and that you'll be fine no matter what.

 

My original ex hated me with a vengeance, and it was at its peak when I won her back, and I did that by losing all the emotion, moving forward with my life, letting her know I still wanted her, flirting with her, being nonchalant about stuff that used to have me reacting . . . and by dating someone new. She came practically begging--a huge surprise to me considering her previous words and actions.

 

Don't think your situation is special. Don't think there's something about your break-up and you and your ex that we don't quite understand. It makes no difference. You get a life, move on, indicate your desire (not need), and practice nonchalance. Start a new hobby. Be a new person. And be happy. You must make yourself a success (happiness, nonchalance, direction) before you can make any relationship a success. You cannot need her.

 

This is just my opinion. I don't have all the answers. If you wanted to make someone new fall in love with you, you only have to read up on seduction, on what women really want, and on letting go of your insecurities. This is different, so you need to do things differently. But you do need to raise your level of attraction.

 

Best of luck.

[CrapAtNC]

Oh, and truly believe you are getting her back. Believe it so that your body relaxes, your shoulders are no longer tense, and that knot disappears from your tummy. Think about and prepare for the setbacks that will come. Stay focused on your goal, and don't let anything pull you off track, and that means staying in control of your emotions and putting yourself first.

 

And also be aware that you may find, as you bring your life around, that she no longer suits you. ;-)

[mark4]

Thanks very much for taking the time to write that - I definitely have lost all the anger stuff when I went NC. I guess I am still a little clingy though - I am not showing it much to her but I need to lose it from my make up altogether.

 

I will attempt to put everything you have said into action and put all of my focus into myself and my own happiness again rather than into the relationship.

 

As Real Deal has told me I need to be the prize too, I think thats important rather than me seeing her as the prize and therefore feeling like i'm chasing her. She is just another person just like me, I need to remember that.

[DN]

I see tons of threads on here at people spending endless amounts of time trying to get ex's back with all sorts of stratagems from no-contact to nonchalance to whatever. And the same people post on them over and over and again, day after day, month after month getting nowhere. A tiny minority may succeed in reconciliation but even then it very often doesn't last.

 

I know that people cling to hope, I know that people who have developed a theory like to cling on to that. But what a waste of time and energy.

 

These things are all predicated, overtly or otherwise, that there is only one person in the universe that you can be happy with and that you should do everything to get that one person to be with you, or to see the error of their ways and come back to you. So you get all the tactics and stratagems but in the end they are all games, serious or not, that are essentially manipulating someone into doing something they should be doing of their own volition.

 

The truth is that there isn't just one person in the world, or even in your immediate neighborhood that is a good match for you.

 

I have been happily married for 36 years - but I don't have any illusions that I could not have been as happy with someone else or that she could not either. That isn't putting either of us down - it is just the way of the world. The fact we met was pure coincidence - had we not both gone to the same party we would not have met. I very much doubt the either of us would be alone and miserable or married to someone else and miserable simply because we had not met.

 

Romance is all very well - but it is too often mistaken for love and it isn't the same thing at all. It's very romantic to yearn after someone and try hard to get them back but that isn't love.

 

Love is being there for someone - and she isn't.

[CrapAtNC]

DN, I very much respect what you're saying.

 

But you've seen the boards; you know people want to do something to get back someone they think is special. And many of them do just that.

 

There's no hard and fast rules. I actually agree with you that there are others who we could love just as greatly and most likely be loved more in return. But these are matters of the heart, which so often, in many people, overrules the head.

[DN]

But these are matters of the heart, which so often, in many people, overrules the head.

Yes, I agree. That is why people get stuck because they let their emotions run their lives. I am not suggesting people should not have emotions but there has to be a balance between emotions, which are not always in one's best interests, and rationality which is (or, at least, should be)

 

If only people could realise that you can't control how other people feel, or act, or conduct themselves, life would be simpler. As someone said to me once "You take care of your 'stuff'* and let other people take care of theirs". That doesn't mean you don't care about people or love them - but it does mean that you conduct your life in the best way possible for you and those you love and let other people do the same. If they don't, that is not your issue - your job is to make sure that if they don't, the impact on you is minimal or minimised. Hankering after people who don't hanker after you is not in your best interests. Being in a relationship that is unbalanced is not in your best interests.

 

Putting your life on hold pursing someone who does not reciprocate your feelings is not in your best interests.

 

But moving on with your life is - and if that person suddenly realises that it is, after all, in their best interests to be with you and treat you properly then you might have a chance of a balanced relationship that is good for both of you.

 

But if they don't you ave saved yourself a lot of angst.

 

* 'stuff' is a euphemism for the word they actually used.

[CaribbeanBoy]

Hey mark, ive read your both threads in its entirety... very interesting.... great advice from everyone.. would also appreciate if they can take a look at my issue on this thread, would love to read some of ya'll advice anyway i see you havent posted in a couple days.... hows it going now?

[mark4]

Thanks for taking the time to read all of my posts, I have kind of used it as a diary to vent my feelings - the advice along the way has been great. I've needed to do this less and less as i've gained more and more strength everyday to the point I don't feel I need anymore guidance or have a need to vent my feelings.

 

I have control again, I have control of my life again and I don't feel sad. I'm happy and content being me and just getting on with enjoying my life.

 

I took it upon myself to lay down the law and say enough is enough to my ex... i told her I was sick of the hot and cold stuff and I deserve better, I acted as if I didnt care anymore and ended the conversation. (Clearly hard to do as deep down I wanted to reconcile)

 

After this she has completely changed her attitude, she all of a sudden seems to have respect for me and wants to talk etc it's prettyy good its like the tables have turned and i'm in control of what happens so I'm being nonchalant about it... not acting this time - Im actually not too bothered if it works out it works out, if not then it doesnt and I still exist and can enjoy the next things life throws at me.

 

The clingy upset sad boy is gone forever and theres a new man in town who is confident self-sufficient and it seems attractive to his ex...

 

let's see how it goes for now, either way all is good...

[askltk]

That's great to hear man! Hoping I can take your lead!

 

I was like you - being clingy and sad. I've let her drag this on for so long now, only recently have we ever discussed it where we are. I'm going to do exactly what you did - tell her how I see it, and see the response. I doubt it'll be enough to make her change, she's as stubborn as they come - but Im getting to that point now where I genuinely don't care.

[mark4]

That's great to hear man! Hoping I can take your lead!

 

I was like you - being clingy and sad. I've let her drag this on for so long now, only recently have we ever discussed it where we are. I'm going to do exactly what you did - tell her how I see it, and see the response. I doubt it'll be enough to make her change, she's as stubborn as they come - but Im getting to that point now where I genuinely don't care.

 

So is my ex... or so she seems. As soon as she got a hint of me saying it's time for me to move and me actually feeling it the next day she was like 'hey, can we talk i'm not sure what just happened' ... in fact on the night time while I was saying all this stuff she said 'ah my god are you out? hope i'm not spoiling your night have a nice time if you are' ... i said ' it doesnt matter where I am you too'' and she said 'wow'.

 

I actually made her say 'wow'... not because I was rude or tolde her how much I loved her and she was amazed it was because I'd taken the bull by the horns and she no longer had control of me or my feelings... in the past I would have seen that as an opportunity to start converstation about where I was and what I was doing and then asking what she was doing..

 

That is the old me, I don't care any more....

 

Actually while i'm on.... I said to her 'I'm getting myself into a position and frame of mind where I never cry over a girl ever again.'

 

This hit her really hard she mentioned 'i'm just a girl afterall' about 3 times. I had no intention of making her feel small or bad about herself, infact I had no aim at all but what it did was make it clear that she is no longer as important to me as she once was.

 

It has changed everything, we are in LC.... but I don't really care as much as I did... she is mostly initiating contact and complimenting me even now and again! she actually noticed my improved body tone after having been to the gym alot as we met up the other night... it went well but like I say if anything comes of it then it does, if not ... ah well there will always be another and in the mean time self-improvement is my primary objective in life. I am sticking around on these forums to help others get to where I am now - I couldnt have done it without ENA members.

[askltk]

I think this is where I'm wanting to be - it's the balance of caring for her (still) and not caring about what's going to happen. Went from Full blown contact (NIC), to NC, to now NIC with LC.

 

Great to see your back on the front foot! Keep us posted on How the LC route turns out!

[mark4]

I think this is where I'm wanting to be - it's the balance of caring for her (still) and not caring about what's going to happen. Went from Full blown contact (NIC), to NC, to now NIC with LC.

 

Great to see your back on the front foot! Keep us posted on How the LC route turns out!

 

Well good luck with that ask, you can get there. Mind you I still have bad moments where I feel weak and have a good memory pop in my mind and it makes me feel awwwh maaaan wish all this hadnt happened. I have to block that out quickly, I use music to do that, keep my ipod with me.

 

We hardly spoke at all yesterday, she initiated contact after work... hi, how are you etc, she let me know what she was up to on the night, I didnt ask... she asked what I was doing... told her I was going to the gym... convo ended there... at bed time I just said off to bed hope u had a good night with the girls as she was having a meal and drinks.... she sent a message 20 mins after ' ah my god so sorry got home a while ago, my friend called who broke up with someone and was in tears, just got off the phone , night night x'

 

she is still saying sorry for not contacting me after a long period... it's almost as if she thinks i'm waiting by the phone for her??

 

What do you lot make of that?

 

On a side note a lad I know got dumped a few weeks back (short term relationship) ... he was in a bad way for a week or so... then he got over it. She tried to contact him and he persistently told her he was over it and wanted nothing to do with her and she became the one who was in tears wanting HIM back....

 

It's so weird the way this all works. At least I know now...

[mark4]

hmmm... so a bit of a different one for me yesterday... she made a bit of a complaint on the evening that I NEVER initiate contact anymore... I just said 'hey, sorry been really busy lately, how was your day?'

 

chatted a little about trivial stuff, then I went back to the initial point she made and said... sorry I havent been talking much, I think this is the way it should be for us to have a fresh start though yeah? she replied that she doesnt like being the one who initiates contact all the time... so made a point that she was the one who said 'we don't need to be talking all the time'

 

 

thing is I would like to speak to her more... but I don't wanna be her safety net whilst we arent boyfriend/girlfriend... I want her to feel my absence and miss me!

 

could do with some advice on how to be going forward.... make more of an effort to start interactions? carry on with NIC?....

 

 

At the end of the day I'd like us to be together again, but I'm not totally caught up on this - it won't be the end of the world if it doesn't happen. Some advice on how I need to handle this is all i'm looking for... Am I playing it too cool? Is that good/bad?