fell in love with a married man

[rbelle]

how should i start???...right at this moment i am in love with a married man, i know that its wrong(is it really wrong?) but still i let my self 2 fall in love with him deeply, he is happily married, he love his wife and daugther so much, but he also fell in love with me. I never been in any relationship b4, he is the first man in my life(cant believe the first man in my life is married) i love him sooooo much. He means everything 2 me. Actually we started as friends and he is so nice 2 me. Never met a man as nice as him. Then we found out that we love each other. Well we both know that there's no future in our relationship(and i really know that) so we both agreed to stop our relationship and continue to be friends again. It seems so easy 2 say, but its so hard for me to be friends with him when i know that its not friendship that i want, but what i can do? he is married and i dont want to ruin his family. I feel so down now, what makes me so sad is that, i never felt that being loved b4, i really feel that he loves me and me same 2 him. His my life. How can i 4get my love for him and stay friends with him??? I really need some advice now.

[Katheelynn]

In my opinion, you are setting yourself up for more pain than you can imagine. This man is taken. He has made a vow to his wife FIRST. On top of that, he has babies and their security and happiness must be protected. Please walk away from this situation now. If you work together, find another department or job. If you go to the same church, go to another service or switch churches all together. Point being, let this man go to take care of his Family. The ramifications of this relationship are like throwing a rock in a pool, the circles are forever extending out, touching everyone in your and his lives. Innocent people will be affected and for what? This is one of those times that you can show what your made of. Let him go and you go find another that is free and can love you the way you should be loved.

[hurtabandoned]

I have a inside take on this. My husband had an affair that lasted from about March until June. I found out about it. My story is here:

www.enotalone.com/forum/viewtopic.php?t=24681

 

This may be difficult to here but I think that it needs to be said. If he really loved you then you would be the one that he was with. This man has already said that he loved his wife. Even if he left her it wouldn't be that easy.(From a mother's standpoint, I would NEVER allow my child to be around the woman that had a hand in tearing apart her family.) You should do what is right before you ruin his family. Be the smart one and break off all contact. Since this started as friendship then it's too risky to remain friends. Let him get back to his family, that's where he needs to be. This relationship was doomed before it started.

 

This man is married. He goes home to his wife and child. I feel bad for them already. What's going to happen when the wife finds out? (Things like this can only stay hidden for so long) What happens to her and his child? This can affect the child for the rest of her life. Just because a married man is willing to cheat on his wife that shouldn't make it okay in your mind to do this. I know that you're not the only one to blame, he's more at fault than anyone. Don't do anymore damage. Just because the wife doesn't know yet doesn't mean that this is not hurting her.

 

Find someone else who is interested in you and only you. Then you will know what it is to be really loved.

 

Added note: If he left her, what would make you so sure he wouldn't do the same thing to you.

[CherryGrl]

Rbelle, you don't say how you met this man or became friends with him, but you do say he is the first man in your life. Maybe I'm off-base here, but by any chance is this guy a lot older than you?

[alona125]

This will not get better for you, no matter what the outcome.

He loves his wife, period. I was involved with a man who was just recently divorced, and all he talked about was his wife. How much he missed her, how my behavior was like hers, etc....

 

That was not healthy for me, and I had to get out of it to save my self-esteem.

 

I know it is hard, but you don't need someone else's baggage.

 

Hang in there because I know its tough. You can do it.

[rbelle]

hurt&abandoned, i never thought in my whole life that i will be involved with a married man, i never imagine my self to be the reason for a break-up of any family. I didnt plan this to happen, but I guess I cant stop my feelings, on the other hand I also know that is not too late. Just to inform u we never had a sexual relation, that's why I can say that its not too late.

 

CherryGrl, the guy is 9 years older than me, he's in his early 30's while im in early 20's.

 

Alona125, u know everytime we have a conversation he always tells me that he loves his wife, and that we have lots of things in common. This things really hurts, and im trying to convinced my self that its nothing, but the truth is it hurts me a lot. Thanks 4 letting me know that im not the only 1 who suffer the same things.

[hurtabandoned]

That's so good to hear that the two of you have not crossed that line and that you do seem to care about the other people involved. Some women could care less about the pain that they cause. I think that it would be best if you broke contact with him. I think being around him is only going to make things worse for you.

 

There are plenty of other single men out there that can give you all that you need out of a relationship.

[alona125]

Rbelle,

 

It is so hard, I know. I am in a situation right now where I know that this man is not right for me, but it has become so hard to let him go. I have just sort of distanced myself more and more from him, by not calling him and keeping contact to a minimum. It helps to do that.

 

As for the married men, they will always have their wife on their mind, and you said that he tells you that he loves her in front of you. That is not what you want to be involved with. Trust me, it makes your self-esteem so low. Stop your contact with him, and find someone who loves just you, no baggage included.

[wickedbusa]

I know it is hard for you but I agree with everyone here. you are only setting yourself up for more pain. I have been involved with a couple of married women before and because i didn't know better, i got involved, even up to the point of breaking up a home. I was with her for two years, only to hear two years later that she still had feelings left for her ex. She left me on the spot and never looked back. it was probably the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life. Do yourself a favor and find someone who is unattached. Stay strong!

[Mun]

Rbelle,

Everyone is right, this man still loves his wife. He has nothing to offer you. If you continue with him you will be the big loser here. Imagine it: He will spend vacations with his family, holidays, his wife's bday and his kids bday's. You will only get the left-overs. That's no kind of life for anyone.

 

You deserve so much more. One day you will find a man who loves and cherishes only you.

 

Cut all contact with him and let him know that if he was single things would have been different, but under these circumstances there is no other way. Tell him you are not a dishonest person and cannot persue this. If he is an honorable man he will leave you alone.

[rbelle]

hurt&abandoned

 

Yes i do care about his family, especially 2 her daughter and im not selfish, the only mistake i think i did is to let myself 2 fall in love with him knowing that his married. The hardest thing for me to do now is to stop my communication 2 him, i still talk 2 him everyday on the phone, but im not seeing him, but u r right it makes things worst for me. But i would rather feel the pain than not hearing anything from him, i know its crazy, but thats what my heart says. By the way i really like ur avatar, i can see a very lonely woman in her. I really like it.

 

alona125

 

U r soooo right, thats the exact thing i feel, i know that his not the right man 4 me but its soooo hard to let him go. I do consider of setting a distance 2 him, but right now i still talk 2 him everyday, just saying hi and how r u? Slowly slowly i will try 2 minimize it as much as possible.

[hurtabandoned]

This may be a drastic way to go but if he's the one initiating the contact it may be easier for you to have your number changed.

 

You've got alot of feelings tied up in this. Talking to him daily must be torture on you. Love doesn't feel like that. Why do that to yourself? Give to yourself what you are hoping to get from him. Love yourself enough to do what is best for you. I really do think that after a period of having no contact with him that you will feel better and you will be able to think more objectively.

 

Deep down I see that you are a good person who is faced with some difficult choices. When you look in the mirror, who do you see? What kind of person do you want to see?

 

-thanks about the avatar.

[rbelle]

why do i do that 2 my self???

 

thats a very good question that i dont really know the answer

[agent64]

I did meet and fall in love with a married man. We realized that we were both still young and had our lives ahead of us. We are now happily married and consider ourselves very blessed to have been honest with each other about our love for each other and the courage to act on it.

 

Never say never

[blower]

I fell in love with a married man over a year ago. We were both part of the same group of musicians. He wasn't happy in his marriage - having cared for his wife who was mentally ill for a long time and kept attempting suicide. He chased me (saying he just needed something for himself but that he didn't want to use me) before they separated - I agreed to meet him and talk to him (to tell him that life wasn't necessarily greener on the other side-I considered him a friend) but that meeting never happened so I tried to forget about him. Eventually they did separate - he told me that his wife had wanted the separation. She does sound like a delicate and selfless woman so maybe it was her decision as they were both very miserable. Anyway, a month after they separated we started dating. Very tentatively at first but we were very drawn to each other. He said his wife and he would remain friends as they'd been through so much together but that he loved her only as he'd love a little sister but that I was the woman for him - we had so so much in common. They'd had a baby together a few years previously which they gave up for adoption as his wife was so ill and he couldn't cope with caring for them both so obviously. The baby was adopted within the family so they both still had access. Obviously I had no problems with this. I believed everything he said about the marriage being dead (because I wanted to believe he was the man for me). He said it would be a long time before they got divorced as it would be too painful for them having gone through everything else - I understood this too. They sold their house and moved their separate ways. He to a different country for a new job (he'd also been made redundant) and she to live closer to her family. He said he needed me to be his rock back at home while he got settled abroad. I talked to him every day for at least an hour at great expense to my phonebill, telling him it didn't matter. He was very down and didn't have any friends there. He told me how much he loved me. I visited him as soon as I could but he was very detached which upset me. He wasn't happy to see me at all. When I came home I thought long and hard - he still wasn't over everything with his wife so I offered him friendship instead of the pressure of being lovers. His wife had become ill again and came closer than ever to death through anorexia. I knew then that she musn't be happy with the break up. He was distraught at our breaking up (as was I) and because I did love him so much we got back together. I visited as often as I could and continued to make him feel better about all of his insecurities and past problems saying they weren't his fault. He continued to get more settled abroad and made friends but we still spoke most nights for 2-3 hours sometimes. When we eventually got to spend a month together he'd told me that he'd told his wife the separation was only for 6 months or so and after that time he'd see if he was strong enough to go back to the relationship. He laughed and said 'oh sorry - did I not tell you that bit?' - I just put it down to him trying to let her down gently. By this time I was so confused and getting quite clinically depressed. I felt guilt for his wife, so much love for him and sorrow for the both of them. I suggested on numerous occasionss that if there was any chance he could work things out with his wife that we could still be friends and i'd support him and wish them well. He kept insisting that he wanted me to move in with him and have children with me and that he would never get back with his wife.

 

As I was getting more and more depressed and he was making more and more friends he started pulling away from me and the relationship. My last visit wasn't a happy one at all. He had stopped over analysing things and looked at me like i was mad when i cried about him not taking me to the places he'd freely promised to take me to. I felt so insignificant in his life which depressed me even more. Eventually he said he couldn't be bothered to come to see me for my birthday, after I'd cancelled my original plans because he was making the effort to come and visit. I couldn't take any more but i wasn't in the right state of mind to decide if we should split up or not. I was so depressed and angry at being treated like that but still so much in love with him. He then made the decision that it was over - something had snapped inside of him and he spent one night cracking up on his apartment floor in so much pain at the loss he felt for me, for him and most of all his wife. He said he was the only person he knew capable of feeling multiple pain for lots of people at the same time. I told him he wasn't unique at all. I said to him again - not with any malice - that maybe he should look at getting back together with her. He still insisted that would never happen. I desperately wanted to work things out with him but he couldn't. I became more and more angry that I'd supported him through everything and got very little in return. He had told me that I was stuck with him - that he wasn't going anywhere and now he had gone. We tried to remain friends but because of how depressed I was and angry at myself and at him it was impossible. I told him why when a man doesn't cherish the woman he's supposed to love and she's in love with him it causes a lot of depression and pain and the woman ceases to be attractive.

 

We met up to exchange things and he said tried to explain how he felt and why it was over. I told him it was ok - if he'd fallen out of love with me then it was ok to tell me. He couldn't look me in the eye and tell me. He insisted again that he wasn't getting back together with his wife. He said (with a smile on his face) that he was ashamed at the way he had treated me and we parted ways. After a couple of weeks I offered friendship again as we both still belonged to the same musical group - even though he is involved still from a great distance. He ignored my messages - which made me feel stupid and rejected all over again.

 

A month later he was shouting from the rooftops to mutual friends that he was head over heals in love with his wife and they were back together. Most mutual friends prefer to stay out of it - which is fair enough, while wanting to support me through depression but one or two said how over the moon they were for him.

 

I don't think I can ever have anything to do with him anymore - i've been determined not to lose the friendship of our musician friends but I worry myself sick at the thought of seeing him again. He still wants to be involved in our circle and is bound to turn up sometime. It's been 3 months now and the thought of everyone thinking of me as an evil temptress who tempted him away from his very sick wife (and lovely by the sounds of it) is just so so crushing. I hate myself for getting involved. Don't let the same thing happen to you.

[RougeKali823]

I was with a married man, whom I didnt know was married, for 2 years and I can only recommend that you leave. The pain will only increase and things will only get worse for the two of you when his wife finds out. You can and will find someone who wants to be yours and only yours. I know what you're going through. Once I found out my ex was married I tried to be his friend, given that he and his wife had been broken up since before me and they cofiled for divorce. I even spoke to the wife and he told her he was in love with me but the fact that he did that to her could only mean he'd one day do it to you, no matter how nice he is. Think of his child.

[RougeKali823]

I'm sorry this happened to you-

[D_Lish]

To put it bluntly (sorry), all you seem to be to him, is a piece on the side that's giving him a big ego boost in the process.

 

Guy tells you he loves his wife and is happy...

 

Reading between the lines....he aint gonna leave her and has no intention of leaving her.

 

And if he truly loved you, he'd turn his back on her and give up everything, to be with you.

[blower]

Thank you for the replies and you are both right. I was essentially used for an ego boost. But who is more in the wrong - him for using me or me for letting him? We broke up two months before he was officially back together with his wife. We both left the relationship (although he left more than I did) before I wrote my last post (I think I did say it in there but I quite understand if you couldn't get the whole gist of it given how I rambled on a bit).

 

I'm still struggling to 'let go' as it were but it's the anger stage I can't get past and I feel like I never will. I don't want him back. It was and still is my worst nightmare of somebody controlling me. Any psychiatrists out there lol?

 

thank you for your posts and seriously - good luck in love. Love has to begin with loving yourself!

 

x

[Yodabell]

It's not helpful for you to analyse who is more in the wrong, you are better to just focus on the reasons that you chose to become involved with a married man and to focus on how to find a healthy relationship.

[blower]

It's not helpful for you to analyse who is more in the wrong, you are better to just focus on the reasons that you chose to become involved with a married man and to focus on how to find a healthy relationship.

 

You are right - I have looked into why I got involved and any problems I may have which got me into the situation and now I do need to work on my self esteem.

 

I really was very wary of getting involved as I could see 'not right' written all over it but at every step of the way he managed to find words to convince me I had nothing to worry about and I was the woman for him so I guess it's why I was convinced by him that I need to look at.

 

I guess I'm looking at who is more right and wrong because I can't see us being able to coexist in the same group of friends anymore - even though he's just a distant part of that circle - I throw up at the very thought that he'll be present at the next gathering which he may or may not be.

 

thank you for the advice.

[blower]

I was with a married man, whom I didnt know was married, for 2 years and I can only recommend that you leave. The pain will only increase and things will only get worse for the two of you when his wife finds out. You can and will find someone who wants to be yours and only yours. I know what you're going through. Once I found out my ex was married I tried to be his friend, given that he and his wife had been broken up since before me and they cofiled for divorce. I even spoke to the wife and he told her he was in love with me but the fact that he did that to her could only mean he'd one day do it to you, no matter how nice he is. Think of his child.

 

Thanks CmplxDame. How did you recover from it all and are you now happy?

[Nature]

Just cut off contact but do this.....when you are ready! You must feel ready to do that. Maybe even you need to get hurt even more to realise what you are doing.

You know you must walk out! Gather the stength and disapepar. Love is not supposed to hurt. I know exactly what you are going through.

 

The man you love lacks integrity and cannot make a committment to a woman. So he loves his wife...wow how bloody wonderful....so how can he justify keeping in touch with you, and wanting you...????

 

I could kill men like that with my bare hands!!! and yes I am a female..

 

Shame on him. Shame on him for doing this to you.

[Lexutzy]

hi rbelle, i found your post cause im now in the same situation as u were, i know this is an old post 8 years but maybe u will see it, really hope u will!

[notalady]

You know, by saying these things, he is keeping you on the hook. I had a guy done that to me once. He had a girlfriend whom he had just been dating for about 6 months and would often say that he likes her and intend to pursue the relationship with her, on the other hand flirt with me and give me the wrong ideas.

 

It doesn't cut off your hopes entirely, leaving just a glimpse of hope which you would thrive to hold on to. And if this materialises into an affair, you can't ask him to leave his wife, because he had told you from the start, he loves his wife (i.e. he would not leave her for you). And it is your choice to get into this, after he made the disclaimer. So he holds no responsibilities in this.

 

Well actually, he does. But it will be very messy, and very hurtful for you, so don't start at all! And don't stay friends, you are not emotionally detached from him enough to be friends.