LC as "Friends" instead of NC Might be the Way to Get an Ex Back

[cardinalsings]

My ex did something similar to a post I read today:

 

And therefore, I want to share my experience and why I conclude LC as "friends" is better than strict NC. I'd appreciate people who've had experiences with remaining "friends" but with little contact to post and tell me how it worked for you and if you got your ex back....I'm trying to figure out if I need to find a way to get back into some type of contact (even if it's for a brief moment) with my ex but am worried since it's been 3 months, he may have moved on and it won't matter because I didn't employ LC when things were still comfortable and fresh out of the break up.

 

Years ago, I broke up with my ex after finding a bad photo of a girl he knew that was sent to him by a friend....I decided I couldn't trust him and didn't know his friends were so sleazy. On top of it, we had a lot of fights because we didn't see eye to eye about what was considered flirty and some career fights. So, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was a huge, crazy ordeal of a break up, involved lots of screaming and even threats to call the cops from me and him...and I NEVER thought there was a chance we'd get back together after it. Seemed even impossible. I was angry, disgusted, hurt, and my trust was broken. We were over and he didn't contact me for a week.

 

Then, he started contacting me once every week....sending me a text saying he is thinking of me or such random things about how he is at a football game....I ignored all his texts, wondering what his angle was to send me these texts so late at night and only once in a while....not much effort if he wanted to be with me. He even sent me pics of places he was at.....all the while I never spoke to him. He did this seldom, but it was making me curious and keeping my mind on him. It was even still keeping me emotionally attached to him...Eventually I contacted him out of curiosity as to why he kept texting me like this without a peep from me. To my surprise he invited me out with his buds and it shocked me because he never liked me hanging out on guy nights. I thought maybe he changed for a moment which was impressive....

 

I didn't accept....but somehow we got into a huge fight over the phone and yelled at each other and we were back to square one. I stopped speaking to him and he didn't speak to me. But then the texts occurred again and I ignored again....eventually, he called me up sounding different which had me curious and asked if I wanted to go to this cafe he found. I reluctantly accepted. He acted like a friend and distant and I was the same, but we were able to have fun and talk. He asked me again after a whole week of no contact to go out with his friends....I accepted again. We hung out again and it was friendly and distant. Then another week of no contact and he asked me out again....and it became this repetition of no contact for a while and then he'd ask me to do something on the weekend. I started feeling like I was moving plans because I knew we'd be hanging out on the weekends. We even started texting a bit more (still just friendly). Then eventually, we discussed the fun we were having and didn't deny the magic and attraction we felt between us again. We ended up passionately kissing and having the best night and from then on it was more and more real dates until he asked me if I would be his girlfriend again and I accepted. We didn't discuss the break up untili after we got back together and that's when we started to resolve the issues I had from it.

 

 

 

Unfortunately, this time he dumped me back in November for being overly insecure, jealous and accusatory of his actions toward other girls and because he felt he couldn't be himself anymore and was exhausted from the constant fighting. I apologized and asked for a chance to work on myself and did the whole crying, begging, even writing him a letter expressing all my faults....he seemed hesitant the first day we were breaking up and crying but then the next two days, he seemed resolved to leave me and he did. Yet, he texted me that evening and the next day about how lonely and sad he was and how he was missing me...but then I didn't hear from him since then. I've been doing no contact since our last text message interaction 3 months ago and I feel the no contact screwed me over Maybe I should have sucked it up and all my pain and tried to stay in his life somehow as friends and continue texting him now and then in a friendly manner. After all, we said we'd stay "friends." I think sometimes going that route with staying friendly and in LC (since I experienced this as being the dumper the first time), forces the dumper to still feel emotionally attached and reminded of you, therefore they can't really get over you. Also, there's not pressure and they see you in a better light. Whereas NC helps you move on and them move on....and doesn't accomplish anything if you really truly want to be with your ex again.

 

Thoughts??

[perio]

I have remained "friends" with most of the women ii have dated in my past. It takes two healthy people who care more in a deeper level. Ego, possessivness or other stuff like that are deal breakers for being friends. I have been fortunate to have dated pretty awesome people so its worked for the most part. I don't have any agenda with them. Clear boundaries are also a must.

In any case, I think a period if emotional detachment and adjustment is necessary at first.

[90_hour_sleep]

hey there,

 

first off...this isn't at all 'easy' what you're going through right now. it's something you can and will work through though. whatever the outcome...what's happening now will give you great insight into yourself. remain curious. be gentle with yourself. try your best to remain open to the possibilities. it's quite the road...but there are so many good things to take away from everything that is going on.

 

i think in the early stages of 'healing'...we all tend to live under the sometimes misguided hope that we'll end up back together. sometimes it happens. sometimes it doesn't. the general concensus is that in the spirit of getting to that place where you're ''okay'' it makes sense to remove the subject of your 'misery'. i agree to a point. but sometimes hope has a funny way of motivating us. it gives us something to work towards. instead of sinking...we learn to swim. but hope can be a bit of a slippery slope. sometimes it has the opposite effect. we invest so much in that hope...that we open ourselves to being completely crushed if/when it is removed from the picture.

 

my most recent ex...after about a month of so-called 'no contact'...made a mutual decision to attempt a friendship. unfortunately...this friendship was not built on honesty. i was in the position where the only thing i wanted was a friend. she was always operating under the notion that we'd evolve into something more. unfortunately...that put a strain on the 'friendship'. it can't possibly work if you're not both on the same page. that's how i see it at least. there's no way for me to be with someone who wants more from me than i'm willing to give. and really...how could she be with me...knowing full well that i didn't want more? well...i think when you're the one who wants more (because i've been in those shoes too) you're willing to delude yourself to keep your hope intact. because anything feels better than finally succumbing to the truth...that it's over.

 

proceed with caution. be honest with yourself. ask yourself the difficult questions. sometimes it DOES work. if your intuition is telling you to go for it...maybe you go for it. but it may not turn out as you've planned. :S

[faithful14]

My opinion is that NC should be done in the early stages of the breakup for the first month or two to let everything settle down. The NC is for yourself to heal and to also work on yourself and become a better person for the next relationship. I think at some point NC does have to be broken in order to reconcile but all contact should be initiated from the dumper as well as the talk of getting back together.

 

In a lot of the stories I have read, this method has worked but for some, staying in LC the whole time has worked also, and for others strict NC has worked. It seems as if there is no magic answer to how getting back together works, every person and every situation is different. So people should make the decision of going into NC or LC based on what they feel would be best for them.

[abitbroken]

It depends on why you broke up. I agree that NC is really necessary. If you guys dated for 3 months and realized you both felt like brother and sister rather than romantic and agreed to be friends, that's one thing. But if you were accused of being clingy and insecure, NC is imperative. Overall, I think that NC is really the only way to heal. LC is really only for people who have real matters to settle - having to communicate because they have children, work together directly, or have property to resolve. If not, there is no reason to contact the other person or respond. Healing time is needed.

[belezah]

i tried LC with my ex af first. he got infuriated that i wasn't giving it up and this lead to NC

[stevyhope]

guys do you think doing NC after about an year has passed since you broke up is a good thing if you are looking for a reconciliation in future?

[crabman]

guys do you think doing NC after about an year has passed since you broke up is a good thing if you are looking for a reconciliation in future?

 

IMO chances for reconciliation after a year are fading away. sure there are always exceptions. but maybe you are better off starting something new..

[stevyhope]

IMO chances for reconciliation after a year are fading away. sure there are always exceptions. but maybe you are better off starting something new..

 

Do you think it is possible when your ex still has some feelings left for you and hasn't gotten over you even a bit, even after about an year has passed after break up?my ex agrees she has feelings for me but says its not strong enough for her to start a relationship with me yet. (lets say 50 50 and she is really confused)

[crabman]

Do you think it is possible when your ex still has some feelings left for you and hasn't gotten over you even a bit, even after about an year has passed after break up?my ex agrees she has feelings for me but says its not strong enough for her to start a relationship with me yet. (lets say 50 50 and she is really confused)

 

ok, I would never say never. of course there are people out there who got back together after years. but I guess that´s based on totally new feelings (maybe not.. just remember I almost toke my little dumpee back years after leaving her). anyway.. don´t wanna crush your hopes. if it is like you say, that she´s still not over you, maybe there is a chance. work on you character, your qualities as man and who knows..

 

do you have a post explaning your history, why she broke up?

[stevyhope]

do you have a post explaning your history, why she broke up?

 

Yes, it is here but those are pretty old now Long story short, she started suffering from depression during the last couple of months of our relationship and us being together was putting more pressure on her and she gradually started losing her feelings for me. And it came to a point where she didn't want us anymore. During that time we were getting in and out of the relationship and she finally called it off in May 2010. I couldn't leave her like that so I stayed on to try and get her out of it and I did.

She was my first girl and I was her first so I've never had any breakup experiences before. And when she broke it off I didn't know what to do. I stayed on. The fact that she hasn't moved on still and cares makes me think I have a good chance of reconciling in future but don't know if I've ruined it by staying on with her. She even talks about the things that we should improve on at times (really confusing). She even says we might get back in future.

[crabman]

yeah, it is confusing.. don´t know what to tell you. when in doubt I would live the NC or at least LC and follow the advises here on ENA. sounds like her depression problems are the reason for the break!?? when you say you got her out of it does it mean she got rid of the depression? what about help from a counselor?

 

doesn´t look like a "classic" break up on the first view. but I´m not sure..

[Wildcars]

I kinda agree on your theory first of all

 

Here's a question on your theory... Do you initaite contact, or wait for him/her to initiate the contact if you choose LC route?

 

And what happens if she starts to come to you because she feels down and depressed, do you cheer her up and make her happy? If he/she has a rebound, or someone else, or cheated and still with someone else. You basically helping them to cheer up, so you get all the slack, and then she's happy again for the other person.. What then? NC?

[stevyhope]

when you say you got her out of it does it mean she got rid of the depression? what about help from a counselor?

 

yes, she's out of it now. Thankfully she got all the help at the initial stages itself. She went to a counselor only once and then stopped. She doesn't like to open up to strangers and didn't like it. Its been quite sometime since all this happened and she is doing good now but gets her mood swings at times, specially when we are in contact all the time. i.e when we are talking to each other 24/7..do you think NC will work now? she agrees it makes her miss me and start thinking about us at times, but isn't it too late now?

[crabman]

Here's a question on your theory... Do you initaite contact, or wait for him/her to initiate the contact if you choose LC route?

 

And what happens if she starts to come to you because she feels down and depressed, do you cheer her up and make her happy? If he/she has a rebound, or someone else, or cheated and still with someone else. You basically helping them to cheer up, so you get all the slack, and then she's happy again for the other person.. What then? NC?

 

switching from NC to LC is mostly tricky. the best is she initiates contact. thats when you actually can act on (by being nonchalant, showing you moved on, saying "good to hear from you but I can´t talk now, I´m meeting friends"..). you should be prepared of she is just testing you to feed her ego (read the post about sh*t tests) and you can´t count on that. but you can react on it and show you are not needy anymore and you have a great life without her (remember? raising your value).

 

I would never initiate contact inbetween the first two month (maybe longer) cause everything (really everything!) you say could look needy in her eyes. if you wanna initiate it do it in the most unsuspicious way. thats exactly the point of NC: sometime you start really don´t care that much about her anylonger and you´ll be able to say: "hey, i´m just in the neighborhood, wanna catch up for a coffee?" e.g. if she say no, you reply "no worries, see ya later".. never expect a yes, so you can´t be disappointed..

and women somehow sense if you´re just play nonchalent..

 

what if she comes and wants you make her happy?

 

i think there are two important parts you should show (better be in). first is you want her to associate you with good feelings. she has stress with the new guy - with you the world is easy. some people probably disagree here. of course you should not be her doormat! but here comes the second part. you have your own great life and you just go when you have better things to do. and sometimes you just say no (in a friendly way!). don´t say it but let her know she has to work on it to be a part of your great life.

 

never let her dump her stress on you. you don´t wanna be her friend or counselor. so if she starts dumping just lead the convo to something funny and good feeling. let her forget her crap!.. that´s when good people here talk about *emotional leading a woman* (at least that´s the way I understood

 

that means she comes to you in a bad mood and leaves you with a smile. and always end the meeting! do it when it can´t get better anymore and then just leave quick and don´t look back

 

read Realdeal´s post about nonchalance, one of the best posts in here >

(post #36)

 

that´s my point of view, any comments are very welcome!..

[dramallama]

I think that LC might work if the dumpee wasn't desperate and could keep everything in balance and understand that their ex has made their decision and the dumpee has accepted it. But in 99% of cases the dumpee just creates further pain for themselves by staying in contact. It just creates too much stress for themselves by focusing on "how should I act today to get my ex back?" and it becomes all about the dumper, rather than the dumpee. I have been in that position before and was not happy. I was trying to act how I thought my love would like me, and it turned me into an obsessed person.

 

Going NC is much more freeing than LC. How much more relaxing is it to say "I respect their decision, and as much as it hurts I am going to deal with it and go NC because I don't want to put myself through the stress of trying to get someone back when they have chosen not to be with me." And sometimes it's that very attitude which brings the ex back, and sometimes it doesn't. I just hope that dumpees don't read this thread and think "yes!!! An alternative to No Contact - I can still be in touch with my ex!" But in most cases it doesn't bring their ex back because no one wants to be around someone that is desperate, and it will just prolong the pain for the dumpee.

[dramallama]

Do you think it is possible when your ex still has some feelings left for you and hasn't gotten over you even a bit, even after about an year has passed after break up?my ex agrees she has feelings for me but says its not strong enough for her to start a relationship with me yet. (lets say 50 50 and she is really confused)

When someone tells you something about themselves, even when you don't want to hear it, you MUST believe them. She might have feelings for you, but not enough to get into a relationship. What more information do you want? If someone is confused about being with you it means they do NOT want to be with you and either haven't admitted it to themselves, or do not want to tell you because they don't want to hurt your feelings. Read between the lines. She's not interested and by you asking about her feelings makes you come accross as desperate. How can you still be bugging her for a relationship a year later? Have you been full NC in that time? If not, you need to start TODAY.

[stevyhope]

How can you still be bugging her for a relationship a year later? Have you been full NC in that time? If not, you need to start TODAY.

 

Well, I never bug her to know about her feelings. Even after an year of break up we are still close. If I stop talking to her for a couple of weeks she will reach out to me and thats when she opens up to me about her feelings. I don't annoy her or bug her for info. And No, we haven't been in full NC in that time and I'm doing NC now.

[dramallama]

The trouble is you may have been broken up for a year, but that is not the same thing as NC. You haven't had time to heal and grieve for what you've lost yet - no wonder you're not over her. I guarantee - tell her that this "friends thing" is working out for yourself, but you appreciate everything she's done for you and wish her the best, but would like it if she respected your need for space from now on - if you do that for a whole year (instead of hanging around) you WILL be over her at the same time in 2012, or at least mostly over her. In a far better position than you are now. If you haven't gotten back together within the year that you've been broken up you have to accept that this LC thing isn't working - otherwise you wouldn't be posting here about her- she'd be the furthest thing from your mind, as she should be since she CHOSE not to be with you. Just remember next time to go NC straight away, it's your best chance of your ex wanting RECONCILIATION (NOT friendship), or for you to heal and move on to someone that does want you.