I am gonna have a emotional break

[LonelyAmaris]

I don't like that he markets me to his friends as a burden and someone undeserving of his attention- a nuance at best and someone unsympathetic to his wants and needs. Only to turn around and smile in my face and tell me how lovely he thinks I am and what such a warm beautiful person I am deserving of love; and other bs of talk about how good hearted I am and that I don't stress him out and that I enrich his life and he is happy am around and has missed me when I was gone.

 

It can't be both but yet both of his personalities have spoken- very contradicting revelations about the same person! I have seen and obtain some of the proof of his two-faced dishonest slanderous behavior. Yet being armed with all the proof in the world and even being in a moment when he has done something rude or said something verbally abusive- he will lash out in a rage uncontrollable at you for daring to question anything he does no matter how horrible hurtful and mean the nature there of.

 

I mean if your with him he does no wrong while doing wrong all day. For lack of better words. I am very scared of him and what he will do to me esp if I leave again. He is not right in the head. There is something deeply interstice on a chemical level that is not functioning right. Its almost like he doesn't even have a conscious he just fakes one when he needs to and fakes emotions/ emotional response when he needs to. I have seen it and experienced it. There is such a coldness to his eyes and stares when he thinks my back is turned that caused me to me to be startled and fearful of what is going on in his head in general and the negative emotions attached to me.

 

 

I have left him a few times and confronted him on lies and cheating he has put me through. He has expressed that while he will not admit to being anything less than a saint he is deeply and gravely offend at the fact I "stood up" to him ( but of course in his mind it wasn't me standing up to him but me being "mean" and 'abusive" to him. Which is at most laughable being all I did in a respectful way ( not like his communication skills of yelling and sarcasm and intimidating )is expressed my desire for honesty , mutually respect like I show him in the relationship and express how hurt I felt at the stuff he did/does that is inconsiderate for my feelings emotions and needs.

 

But to him a cry for help for him to really think about how his behavior is negatively effecting people in his life is the same to him as a full assault attack that sends him into a state of mind that is to be feared and loathed. For after the this grown man-temper tantrum of full out burst of anger will come more resentment and a intensity to the environment he tries to hide with in genuine smiles and sweet flattering words and gestures that are FAKED so BADLY you can tell of the contrary emotions he is hiding underneath. Sometimes he SNARES his face at me when he thinks am sleeping or if I turn my head to look at something then turn back around I have caught him doing this.

 

OR…….

 

When he says I love you in his cold emotionless voice then raises the side of his lips up like a yeah right kinda of look OR he will roll his eyes RIGHT IN FRONT of me. So its like he is not even trying to be convincing. His heart is so cold towards me. But I am not the one disturbed one I know I haven't done anything wrong to him to deserve the way he has treated me. He in general I have come to find out has a lot of unfounded anger that flares up and mood swings that you just don't know where its coming from you just know its there in him.

 

I want to leave but am so intimidated by him I feel like am kinda a prisoner. I want to leave and start my life over without him in it. I want to forget we ever meant and not have to live in fear of him.There is the spoken intimidation and this unspoken type that is kinda a passive aggressive in so many words "you better read between the lines" type of interaction between us. Leaving me in shock and fear and mourning the life I had before we meant though imperfect at least I had my freedom and was safe and could sleep at night without waking up to this insomniac mad dogging me.

 

I mean can you imagine waking up to some over drugged ( on prescription meds he takes more than he is suppose to esp thanks to a friend who works as a pharmacist industry), insomniac who is mentally imbalanced who has hate and rage for you staring at you with a menacing look on his face looking at you like you just did something to piss him off but you have been asleep….?

 

I am too young for this, I just want to go to sleep without fear and wake up knowing this psycho doesn't know where I am and never will. It feels like he thinks of me as a dog or his property that he gets to be abusive to while at the same time use me as a scapegoat to get attention and sympathy from other people who only know his version of what happens in our relationship. His friends dislike me and think am a bad person who has been mean and abusive to HIM and always bring up the fact I left there poor emotionally sensitive friend breaking his heart ( !! )because of the manipulation and lies he uses even on his own friends… Just to illicit attention and I think punish me for standing up to him in private.

 

So not only does he not have to own up to anything and he gets to belittle me ect he also gets to slander me and ruin my reputation in the light of others. So its like am being tripled punished and all I wanted to do was confront his abusive inappropriate behavior in hopes we could save this relationship. But I wish I would have seen it a lot sooner that this was never a relationship it was a love hate thing within himself that got unleashed on me. To make him feel in control he has to dominate everything in his life including me. By dominate I mean take advantage of abuse mistreat manipulate and ect and push up until you are physically sick from all the mental emotional strain on your life and body and THEN he wants you to TAKE IT no mouth no talking back no defending yourself no tears, no calling your master the punisher mean or say he has done anything wrong because to him YOU desire to be treated that way and your gonna take with a closed mouth and in so doing bow down to him leaving him feeling like he has made you his . And any time he has a bad day its back to domination humiliation any thing that twist his fancy and you better not speak up confront him about it. He could go onion tell other women what he wanted to do to them sexually and set up flings but I couldn't question him on it because 1) WITH THE EMAILS ON SCREEN He didn't do anything 2) Now I am once again being mean to him 3) He can do whatever he wants even cheat on you even though he has said he loved you and wanted a monogamous relationship with you.

 

This reminds me of my relationship/interactions with my birth family. It was a very dominating abusive horrific environment world for such a young innocent little being to be born into and have to experience and try to make sense of. I just want all this to be over.

 

 

It was become increasingly clear the deep resentment and unbridled displeasure he feel towards me for simply defending myself against a cold inconsiderate often abusive manipulative dominating control freak behaviors I experienced whenever we where in a relationship together as we are now.

 

He is such a lying deceiving manipulative mean cold unhappy scary bastard. I don't want to feel like I have to run and hide away from him because he intimidates me and is hell bent on making me suffer for resisting his abusive manipulative behavior towards me since we've been together. He is a man of wealth( he has more than one lawyer) and never has to work another day in his life because of the "old money" his parents left him as a inheritance. Which he lies about and says he made it in the entertainment industry.

 

He is so fortunate to be able to wake up everyday and not have to worry about a job or money. His parents have taken care of this by spoiling him and making sure he stay this way after there deaths. All they did was give more power to a undeniable twisted mentally imbalanced man. now a man with great wealth he can use to intimated and lord other other people who make him mad as weapon he can threaten them with. His anger and intimidation his status and money and insufferable anger that he has with anyone who tries to stand up to him or defend themselves against his inappropriate behaviors have leverage now..

 

So where do I run where do I hide when I can will I be able to feel safe free in my skin in my life. I feel like by crediting I have buried myself so deep I can't turn back around now. I recently went through a very traumatic oral durning outlast break up and he was so supportive after it happened I though he had soften and maybe sown his wild oats but it was all just a miserable act and I am such a ridiculous dummy to have fallen for the bait. To my defense I had gone through a very traumatic event and was a mess emotionally.

 

That is neither her not there but what do I do now.He has lived in this state his whole life. Staying in this state is not a option by any means ways thought in mind. He has many friends in high places who are older than me. In short he has strong holds in this state. He can be a very very- very charming charismatic man human being but its only a act. He has like split personalities. You never know which he is morphing into or what you did or what the hell is going on. You just have to live through it and hope to get far away. BUT I SWEAR this time is different. There is something not right something wrong. He is acting really weird and grinning all the time. I overheard a few phone conversation with his morally deprived friend( who already got in trouble once for selling drugs to a undercover cop. Causing him to lose his job as a pharmacists at the place he worked at but got off easy( meaning he still practices medicine he just works in more the office part now making it convient to approve prescriptions for my boyfriend because of guess whos' 3 lawyers …? Yup you guessed it right my boyfriend. So needless to say he has expressed he doesn't like me or is it that right now my boyfriend is sending them a check each month to help him and his wife and kids pay off there debt to keep there house…so he doesn't want to bite the hand that has been feeding his grown 49 year ass for how many years ?) He was very mean and and rude to me on the phone and it was unwarranted he doesn't even know me and had a mind to lay a verbal assault on me on the phone because of "what I put his friend through" loll. Like he would know when him and his wife take my boyfriend's money and half of the time ignore him unless they want something ( a favor money ) . So I have to deal with him and his friends who back and just go along with whatever he says. I can already see how this would play out in court. I would be double teamed.

 

So DO I stay or go how do I do this. I can't even get into a shelter in the area I have been calling they are full and even if they weren't am not going to be living on the edge of my nerves by staying in a state where he has so much history and knows so many people who would fight his cause without question information. He has loyalty most of it bought ( even out of his own mouth he said with hos friends it always money but there his friends ). So most these people he has done favors for. My boyfriend even has money in unmarked accounts that the government doesn't know about. Maybe he has told me too much. I hope he thinks of this before trying to harass me if I go. He has done many things that lead me to think what I think and i know he can back it up. He is always making these "read between the lines " sarcastic" weird comments to me. So I can't tell if he is just trying to intimidate me or if he is really going to mess with me if I stand up to him again and leave him. Please help me if you can anyone someone.

[BellaDonna]

Hi LonelyAmaris. Welcome to enotalone. I am temporarily making your thread a sticky on the main page so you can get some help. Apologies for the rough start to your thread.

 

BellaDonna

[Furtive]

You...need to leave....now.

 

Never talk to him again under ANY circumstance. Period

[Janeiac]

LonlelyAmaris, please get away from this man right now. Pack some clothes and buy a ticket accross the country. Call a national women's hotline to get a place to stay temporarily, or call a friend or relative. Get away. It will be very difficult, but well worth it. Start your own life somewhere else. Anywhere else. Run. Don't look back.

[Heartaches]

It sounds like he has a narcissistic personality disorder. These type of people wont change.

You will need to find the courage within to move forward with your life. You can do it, if you want it bad enough.

[annie24]

Big hugs - I am so sorry. I have a friend right now who is in a somewhat similar situation, though not as dire. I would get out. do you have any friends or family in another state? just pack up your things and get out. ask if you can stay with your friend/family member for a few days until you find more permanent housing. you may need to restart your life, but it sounds better than sticking it out here.

[Lunaetick]

I'm so sorry you're going through this... I agree that you need to get out. I wonder if you could secretly speak with a counselor who can help you come up with a plan to leave. They may be able to get you into a shelter and help you figure out a way to leave without him knowing how to find you. They may also be able to set you up with someone who can give you legal advice, if you need it. I agree that you need to leave soon, but it might be best if you come up with a plan of action beforehand, and a counselor who is trained in dealing with these sorts of situations may be able to help you figure out the safest course of action.

[turnera]

You know he will never change, so it must be you who changes - by leaving. If you're not in immediate physical danger, start putting money away some place he can't find. Let the shelter know that you're ready to come as soon as they have an opening. Get a 'run' bag ready and by the door at all times with spare clothes, toiletries, anything you'll need to start a new life; keep it there in case he picks a fight since you're starting to show independence - he will want to crush that. Start preparing by getting a job or getting a better-paying job, saving money, researching apartments and making a plan for when you can afford to move into one, transportation, all that stuff. Leave when it's best to leave.

[Coconut Twin]

Do you have friends who will allow you to stay at their place until you find your own place? You know, I'd rather live on the street than live with a bastard like that! He needs to check into a mental institution. Seriously

[dramallama]

He sounds like he has mental problems. Run away and don't look back. You can't change him, you can only make sure that you are not with him. Being unhappy is a good reason to leave someone, but you have more than enough reasons to leave.

[Angel Irulan]

Move to Canada!

[LonelyAmaris]

Thank you all for all your support and advice. I have called the women's shelters in my area and they have told me they have beds but they are beds that are pre-setup for only ( women WITH children ). I just did some calling today and they said to just keep calling back. There are only four in my area. What I don't understand is if they have beds then why are they waiting for a imaginary women and child who hasn't called them in a week. So they have reserved beds. Oh this is just what I need ( said sarcastically lol ). I feel miserable. he does have a mental health problems verging in delusional and ( literally ) psychotic. He only fakes emotions. He lies better than a politician and can be so manipulative it is scary. I have coem into understanding about him and the more i see him in action the scarier it is. NORMAL people just don't think act like this. The worst part being I got out life's inter tangled- almost meshed. Now all I want to do permanently server any connections we have and and RUN LIKE HELL. I wish I could say I have friends family even I could run to but the sad inconvenient truth is I just don't. If you know me and tehy life I have lived you would better understand. He was all I had and I would love to start a healthy relationshipship to find a sense of belonging and have someone to love and to love me back. I have never had a normal healthy support system. I grew up in a slew of group homes and foster homes. Feeling very misplaced and unwanted. I suffered a lot durning those years. now that am older I have turned out better than most people who have been through the things I have been through by age 24 but I am still damaged. I mean look at the type of guy I chose and the stuff I put up with. This is just the end we have been together for a while now. So even though I have never used drugs ect I still am in need of healing and to be in a healthy supportive environment with people who have my best interest at heart. I have a feeling I will be able to leave sometime after the 17th of this month. It is what am counting one. IN the mean time my nerves are on end and I am reluctant to think too much about anything. I have to numb myself and try not to let this environment destroy me. I am at my ends wit. Everyday his mood swings/changes and I cant keep up. I never know how to feel or act around him or what he is really thinking since he only portrays what he wants you to see and only tells you what he wants you to know. I have been physically sick and not sleeping. I am hanging in there working on planning everything out. Two more weeks and I should be able to take off- to where am not sure. Yes I have thought about living on the street as a better alternative but its winter and that scares me into just staying until I can have a solid plan. Out of state shelters are reluctant and almost never accept out of state women. It sucks I have emailed a few. They want you to be in there state. I guess that is fair in a black n white world in ideal situations but not everything situation is the same. Please wish me luck as I try to work this out. I will need it. AGAGIN THANK ALL OF YOU FOR TAKING THE TIME IT MAKES ME FEEL IKE AM NOT ALONE AND GOING CRAZY WITH HIM. HE IS TRYING TO BREAK ME. THIS IS WHY HE IS AS MAD AT ME AS HE IS. I HAVE SHOWED POWER PLAYS BY DEFENDING MYSELF AND QUESTIONING SOME OF HIS HURTFUL BEHAVIOR AND ITS LIKE HE REMEMBERS EVERY ACT OF DEFIANCE AS IF THIS IS LIKE A WAR. I HAVE DONE HIM WRONG IN HIS EYES HE JUST DOESN'T THINK RIGHT. EVERY HUMAN HAS A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF VAULE JUST FOR BEING AH UMAN BEING BEAUTIFUL UQNUIE APART OF THIS LIFE. THERE ARE CERTAIN WAYS YOU SHOUDL NEVER TREST PEOPLE BUT WE ALL KNOW WE DON'T KNOW WE LIVE IN A IDEAL WORLD.

[LonelyAmaris]

Its funny you would say that because I am strongly looking into it. I have to get a passport or a special card. If I can put it together and get this card soon enough I will. From what I read it could take up to a a few weeks to a month.

[LonelyAmaris]

BELLADONNA: Thank you for your understanding. I apologize for the expletives. Thank you for your much needed support and concern

[BellaDonna]

LonelyAmaris, you are very welcome. I am glad that you have taken steps to start researching how to leave this relationship. We are all here to help and talk you through it. Do be careful about erasing your computer history in case he tries to track your computer use. I have unstuck the thread from the main page now but we will are all subscribed to the thread so we will get updates when you post anything new. Please keep talking to us,

 

 

Bella

[LonelyAmaris]

He is acting so testy with me and am not sure why. He s being really dismissive towards me. I am really tired of this. I am slowly deluging deeper into depression. I am bordering on suicidal. I mean its just been one thing after another. I really don't know what to do anymore. I am scared of his changing moods. What do they mean even more what do they mena for me. What am I going to have to deal with next.....

 

He is being so mean I am downstairs crying. He s acting like I did something wrong but keeps telling me I haven't. He plays head games like this. So am downstairs not in the room. I hate when his mood changes like this. I am so angry at life and angry with myself and angry despondent distraught and overwhelmed with everything. with him. I am crying sitting on couch downstairs. i wish I knew what to expect from him. He doesn't let me in. Then acts like a jerk to me. He acts like he has resentment towards me. WHY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHat did I do to him...?? The mean way he treats me is making me cry. I can't deal with this anymore. I wish I had somewhere to go. He can be so rude and mean to me. What did I ever do to him ...????????I am bawling now tring to hold it in. He is just so dam mean to me. I am sensitive and a very feeling person.. O God O god what did i do to deserve this why am i going through this. What is really going on...? OMG I really don't know if I will last two weeks ( starting next week )

[LonelyAmaris]

I was sick and he offered to make me something that you have to use milk with. I use milk sometimes despite Milk products make me feel sick sometimes so at first I said ok( we don't have much food right now cuz he is uses a lot of drugs and doesn't eat much and I just eat little so am not a bother . I thought about it for a few sec. then i changed my mind and went downstairs and told him i changed my mind then he got really angry with me I mean slamming stuff. I told him he didn't have to offer to make me something if he didn't really feel like it. Now he is being mean and I tried so hard to talk to him and try to figure out why even before this happened he has been acting so dismissive towards me. I just gave up and came downstairs.... I am not strong like him numb inside i have a real feeling live heart and its hard to hide..

[BellaDonna]

He sounds like a typical abuser. He lashes out on your for "pushing his buttons" and he tries to justify "punishing" you for it. For an average person, if you changed your mind about not wanting to eat something they would not take a tantrum and slam things and act like a monster. He's clearly mentally distrubed. Even if you decided to eat what he made you he would probably find something else to arbitrarily fixate on- for example were not appreciative enough that he cooked, you did not eat fast enough, etc. You can do no right in an abuser's eyes because they are flawed at the core.

 

The quicker you can manage to get out of the situation, the better.

[turnera]

He is no different from any other standard abuser.

 

Go to link removed and find the office in your city. Go to them and ask for help getting out. They can help you move out.

[LonelyAmaris]

I think next week around the 17th I should be able to leave. I am mark off the days and very excited. This will all be over- well I should say I won't have to live with him. I don't know what is going to happen after I leave. I hope he just moves on but someone with his type of personality he can't just walk away. So am afraid of that. But At least I won't have to be stuck here.

[turnera]

Make sure you have the police numbers handy in case he stalks you; you may need to put on a restraining order against him.

[dilmi_b2003]

Hey, your partner sound a lot like to mine. I suffered over 2 years with him and now i am separated and in the process of getting a divorce and has a 19 months cute son. Compared to the days that i was with him now i am much happier and calmer. these ppl are narcissistic and they do not have empathy towards their partners or even their kids. most of the things that you have said here are pretty similar to my husband soon to be ex and the only difference is he is not as strong as i am mentally so when it comes to proving things etc he gives up easily as i have a very supportive family and most of the times i had very good evidences to support my arguments. so all what he could do is backstabbing me with my family his family saying that i was very violent abusive towards him. i can very much understand what you are going through and more you try to stay with this person you will also end up getting very sick and that was what happening to me. they are so very good in abusing you mentally and taking all our self esteem away from us.

anyway good luck and please dont even consider about a future with this man and you will be better off without him.

[decided]

Keep us updated on your situation. I'd like to know you're ok! Your situation is crazy, but sadly these kinds of people do exist. Best of luck to you in getting out of this nightmare.

[LonelyAmaris]

I probably am going to kill myself I bought a surgery scaple off this medical site. The funniest thing is they didn't even ask me confirm I was a medical student or doctor ect. That is the great thing about online as long as you have the cash people will you sell you anything. I am planning for my death in either Sanjuan,PR or New Mexico. I am just not sure yet. This last relationship and just stuff before that . I know life is unfair but this is fu**** Ridiculous. I am not too emotional about the whole death thing. I never asked to be here t=in the first place so why do I have to stay if I really don't want to be here....?

[BellaDonna]

That scaple is a good thing to have in case your BF ever tries to physically attack you. Keep it as a defense weapon, but don't think of turning it on yourself.

 

You could have a bright future if you could get away from him. If you can get away to Sanjuan, PR or New Mexico you will be free of him- so why hurt yourself? Make it a goal to go there on vacation, not to die. I can understand your desire to just end it all because you are in such an abusive crisis situation- but if you got yourself into a better environment I think you would feel free of a lot of your stress and might be able to have the strength to plan for a future. Is there any friend that can help you out and give you a temporary place to stay until you get on your feet? You need to get out of there before he destroys your soul and will further.