He's so spineless - what do I do?

[toolgirl150]

Hello:

 

I'm here mostly because I have no one to talk to about this. I met a fantastic guy last year and we hit it off perfectly. The passion was there, and is still there - we can't seem to live without eachother. But when I met him, he was separated from his wife (she left him the previous year). Not to get into all the stupid details, he has since sort of shunted me out of his life, because if his wife (whom he is still separated from) doesnt' give him money - he will be living in a cardboard box. And she doesn't want him to see anybody while she gives him money. Why the divorce just doesn't happen (pushing 2 years now) is beyond me - I think they are both somewhat lazy and petrified of change. Anyway - he still needed me and now we have a secret affair and it makes me sick. I can't always call him when I want to, I am no longer allowed to go to his house - yet he comes to my house instead. I hate the secrecy - it is no way to live. The drama is rediculous. He can't even call me because the phone bills are mailed to her and she checks up on him. I am so tired of this, but I'm crazy about him and most of the time, I'm pretty sure he's crazy about me.

 

I just want a normal boyfriend. I tried to date other people casually, but it just made me sad that I wasn't with him. Should I just give him an ultimatum? Should I just walk away and tell him to call me when he gets his act together? Should I just wait for the other shoe to drop? Just wait it out and see how the chips fall? But that option is killing me. I love this man more passionately and deeply than I have anybody else. The hard part is that he's not being an jerk about this - it would be easier if he was. But he is weak, his life is all about secrets (many of which he has saddled on me and I am stuck with them - I have to keep his secrets too)

 

Has anybody been in this situation too? It seems that it is mostly about money or lack of.

 

I know this story sounds pathetic, but I have no one else to talk to about this. Not my family, or my friends - they would all think I was an idiot.

 

thanks

 

Lauren

[Gilgamesh]

hello Toolgirl

 

Well its time he became a man, Tell him to call you when he gets his act together. tell him to get a job, any job even if its flipping burgers or delivering pizza, thats not the point.

 

Why is his wife giving him money? palimony? does he have a child? if so, she has to give him money even if he is dating.

 

2 years for a divorce? whats his excuse. it seems he likes life just the way it is, money coming from his wife, not having to work or commit, and sex with you.

 

Its about time you just told him to grow up, and maybe when he does and your still available, then maybe just maybe youll go back to him.

 

Breakup with him, and DONT MAKE CONTACT, dont feel sorry for him, act as if he died, greive and move on. remember you are helping him by doing this, if he doesnt mature, after you doing this, then he wasnt going to do it anyway. but at least you would be ready.

 

He will call you and plead with you, and want to have a date, stick to your guns, tell him NO, when he is charge of his life, then maybe youll "see" him. tell him not to call, dont tell him your going to wait for him. he needs to be scared out of his wits.

[owlman]

Gil's on the right track I think (right down the line I was thinking, but he beat me to it!) If this was a "new" relationship I might adivse to wait it out a little, but after a year, he's gonna be pretty set in his ways. I don't think the ex-wife can legally withhold payments if he's dating, not if they are already separated (unless there is a strange clause in the separation agreement.) And even so, then what's the point of dragging out the divorce. He has the best of what's being offered from both of you, why should he change? Tell him it's time to make a choice, and then, like Gilgamesh said, stick to it.

Best of luck to you!

[sisterlynch]

I think you need to break it off with him, the sooner the better, what if he is sad, so? He already is using you and his wife, he needs to figure out what he wants and stick by his decision.

 

You cannot interfere in his life anymore. What are you thinking?