Delusion or Repulsion?

[LemonCheesecak]

Due to the fact that I am the only loveless member of a group of friends either in relationships or only interested in hooking up I stepped into the unknown world of online dating. A few friends have met people on various sites fairly quickly and are now rather happy with the result!

 

I would best describe my approach as cautious. I have not tried to oversell myself, but despite the fact I am not what you would call brimming with enthusiasm for all life's intricacies I've managed to put on my humorous face, much like I do around friends and family. I'm maybe not at my physical peak of years past, but I wouldn't say I'm repulsive and reckon I'm a pretty good dresser.

 

To an extent, this appears to be working. For the first time in a while I've been on actual dates. And while there have been some duds there have been a few successes. What I would call 'great dates' where we've instantly hit it off, there's been no awkward small talk, and where we've arranged to meet again. Again, I've played a cautious game and only respond to what I feel is a strong interest.

 

Herein lies the problem. Somewhere between the first or second date ending, and the next beginning, I seem to send girls running. Its uncanny, and the excuses fantastic. One girl told me I'd come on too strong, when I'd previously been concerned of just how involved she was so early in, one put it off for over a month with the usual excuses but still kept contacting me, and another brought up a discussion of how the first date went, what we thought of each other, and how she wanted to get to know me more before disappearing off the face of the Earth. This has been happening on and off since about September.

 

Is this commonplace for this kind of thing? Do I have to push on through the bad before I find the good? Because although I'm trying not to take anything personally and take it in my stride, its a bit disheartening when I've spent the last 6 months of my life trying to make some real, positive changes to myself.

[Starrgrl]

You don't find a keeper after the first go. Takes many dates afterall, don't give up. Maybe you did come on to strong and it make them uncomfortable, maybe they just change their mind, it doesn't really matter... Just keep going on dates. If this happens 80% of the time, then there might be a problem lol.

[LemonCheesecak]

80% sounds about right so far! Its still early days of course but far from the first go. It just seems to be a recurring theme that has me somewhat....concerned.

[In the Dark]

Yes I know exactly what you mean.

 

The times where there is no logical reason for discontinuing contact.

I can only guess these women you come accross do not think just do....not in the sexual reference.

 

They do what they feel without thinking about it.

For example the one who was coming on strong and then you do it and then she buggers off.

 

The other one has probably been keeping her options open and instead of facing you in anyway to stop herself from feeling bad because she fond someone who had better than you in whatever aspect she dropped you like a hot rock and pursued this other man.

But who knows she may comeback if she finds this man is not all he is cracked up to be in one way or another.

 

Sorry for the hardships you have come accross.

 

Not all people think with common decency.

Some if not many people think it is better to just leave in silence wondering what went wrong.

When the truth maybe something which is too shallow to admit to which in turn makes them look like a bad person which is not what they want to let loose to the public.

 

Keep yuor head up, because there is plenty more where that came from.

[LemonCheesecak]

Thanks for the reply In the Dark.

 

I think you hit the nail on the head there with the use of the word 'logical'. I'm perhaps letting logic factor into things too much. I'm a man of science, and as (if?) anyone who remembers me from here in the past will know I have let people take me for a ride more than would be deemed sane.

 

This time round I'm trying to avoid the drama, for a while at least, but I seem to attract it.

[In the Dark]

If you do not have the logic you do not know what happened.

So no I do not think YOU are doing anything wrong.

 

How are yo supposed to know what happened which caused the ending of these dates when there is no explanation which makes sense?

[LemonCheesecak]

Its easier for me to think I'm doing something wrong. The last 3 years have been a trial to say the least, I've faced a lot of hardships in my romantic and family life, education and career, friends and in turning things around I'm just looking for further fault to improve upon.

 

But there's a lot to be said for the catharsis of just putting this on a page to read back myself.

[ProtestTheHero]

When I toyed around on a dating site, it seemed to me that the women there were just flaky. I'd get messages, I'd respond, they'd respond, I'd respond, and you'd never hear from them again. I think a lot of it has to do with the anonymity pre-date and then the fact that post-date cities and areas are still big enough that they don't really have to see/speak to you again regardless of how well the date went. Unlike getting with someone at University or a familiar area where you might notice a particular girl over time, you don't have the luxury of getting a good read on her, you have no idea what baggage she's carrying around, whether she has some dude closer to where she is and is simply juggling interests, or what pressures exist that impede progress with you or anyone else. For all we know these particular women might be habitual flakes or have some sort of strange quirk that drove them to the online medium in the first place. No idea. That sort of stuff made it too tedious for me and I just decided I'd physically approach people in my area from then on.

 

Maybe a lot of these women are coming off relationships, enjoyed the date, but then feel they're getting invested too quickly and are afraid things will end just like they did with their last guy. Maybe the women are generally inexperienced and have no idea how to handle everything. Who knows. You want to blame yourself because it gives you a tangible problem to fix instead of an intangible mystery to ponder and the latter is just way more frustrating. It's understandable, but the only thing you can do is not place any importance in those scenarios and keep going.

 

- PTH (Tyler101)

 

I feel like I haven't seen you on here in forever.

[LemonCheesecak]

Hello again! I've not been here in forever unfortunately. Distanced myself while I tried to sort a lot of things out and ultimately that proved a temporary fix.

 

 

Everything you've said makes a lot of sense to me, and I probably already knew that in my own mind. It's like I could have written it myself.

 

I would say this has been my first foray into a more casual type of thing. I've (unintentionally) hopped from relationship to relationship in the past, I've just been fortunate enough to meet a few people I've had a real connection with, that developed into something serious yet for various reasons did not work out. So its a bit confusing that when I actively look for something a bit more 'fun' that I'm faced with the very drama I've tried to avoid.

 

I suppose if I can take one good thing out of the whole experience, its that its given a bit of confidence to someone with very little in the first place.

[Elaine Marley]

Yes, that sounds fairly typical. Don't take it personally.

 

I enjoyed reading your post, though.

[catfeeder]

Assume that every date is spinning more than one plate at a time. Don't pry about this, just assume it. This allows you to chalk up any disappearing acts as a plain ol' interception by someone she had more in common with or was farther along in dating--or even an ex. Point is, none of that is personal.

 

I'd take the bit about coming on strong as a fair warning, though. The idea of first few dates is to get to know someone and decide whether there's any spark to work with. Probing into anything too personal can come off as prematurely possessive. Lots of people are skipping the whole full-out date thing at first and just meeting for coffee to decide whether to give a 'real date' a go. If you're tired of pulling out all the stops for people who fizzle away, then don't do that. Meet up for a spot-check, and allow that to filter away some of the duds first.

 

Don't try to turn any of these dates into 'insta-girlfriend,' and you'll be less likely to come on too strong. Keep it as respect between strangers unless and until things warm up into familiarity. You can't really 'rush' that without coming off as creepy. Until real synergy is established, it's all thin ice--but that's true for everyone.

[LemonCheesecak]

Thanks for the replies.

 

As I mentioned, really this is just a catharsis writing this out, and I've tried my best to put a slightly humorous stance to all this, but there's something I feel I need to point out as everyone seems to have picked up on it the wrong way. This 'you're coming on strong girl' - I have no idea where she got that from. As I've said, I've been nothing but cautious because to say the least I'm wary of the whole situation, and I suppose I have my guard up for a lot of the time. Really I'm just trying to meet people and connect with them, have a few fun dates and see what happens. In fact, it was her that was coming on too strong, but I looked past it and continued to keep a level head. Which is why it was a bit of a shocker when she dropped that one on me seemingly out of the blue. I could go into a lot more detail about what actually happened but I can shorten it down to this: She spent a whole second date making a lot of the moves, to which I selectively responded, ended the night in good spirits and then a few days later dropped the bomb.

 

I'm sorry to sound so defensive but its quite upsetting to have people say coming on too strong/creepy/etc when you've knowingly entered into this with no concrete intentions and actively tried to avoid it.

[catfeeder]

[...] I'm sorry to sound so defensive but its quite upsetting to have people say coming on too strong/creepy/etc when you've knowingly entered into this with no concrete intentions and actively tried to avoid it.

 

Don't worry about it, nobody here knows you. We can only respond to what you listed as feedback even though we understand it may not be accurate. Sounds like the 'too strong' girl may have just projected her own problem on to you--it happens. All you can do with any feedback is take inventory, and if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit. Otherwise, just keep your online dating as a tool for some version of 'speed-dating' and don't personalize any of it unless and until it become personal with somebody. With millions of people in the world, your odds of finding a great match straight away are small, and that's why it never hurts to drop it at times to take a breather and then resume dating in cycles. This can prevent the whole experience from doing something to your head.