butterfly6585 Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I’m going on day six now of strict NC. EXBF has tried to contact me every day but I have been completely ignoring him. For the first few days, he only contacted me once a day (a text each morning), just a casual hi how are you sort of thing. However, yesterday & the day before yesterday, he tried to contact me several (six) times each day & saying stuff like I really miss you, I love you still, etc. He’s also sent a few texts asking if I’ve been going out on dates. However, since he hasn’t specifically said anything about actually wanting to have me back in his life as his GF again (I’m hoping to reconcile), I’ve just been completing ignoring him. One reason for that is there was one time recently that he contacted me several times in one day repeatedly saying he missed me. So, I called him because I was missing him a lot too & it turned out to be a HUGE mistake as nothing had changed & he was still saying he wasn’t “ready” for us to get back together yet. So, I don’t want to make that same mistake again as it left me feeling extremely upset to get rejected like that. So far today, I’ve only heard from him once. He sent me text this morning asking “Hey, what are you doing tonight”? He knows that tonight is one of my daughter’s nights to have a sleepover with her dad (my EXH), so I think he maybe gets a bit nervous on Tuesday nights that maybe I’m going out on a date with some other guy. Seeing as how I’d like to be able to reconcile with him, do you guys think I’m doing the right thing by basically completing ignoring him unless & until he specifically says that he wants me to be his girlfriend again? Link to comment
scotsguy Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 Keep up NC, you're doing great to make it to 6 days! Even though you want to reconcile you should stay quiet for now. Unless he makes a massive effort and actually says he made a mistake and wants to try again, nothing has changed. Believe me when I say that if he ever wants to reconcile, he'll go to great lengths to make sure you know about it! Let him sweat, and in the meantime concentrate on yourself. Make plans with your girlfriends, go and do things to take your mind off him. Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 If he really wants you back he will let you know. Not to mention if he is worth it he will respect your NC (especially if he dumped you), but also will wait for you - DO NOT worry about him moving on. Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I would stay NC and take it that it is over until he says he wants you back just like any other situation. If you reconcile too early you may as well get a lifetime membership to ena Link to comment
Blanket Posted February 15, 2011 Share Posted February 15, 2011 I agree with ^^ My ex boyfriend that I just started talking to recently (a week and a half now) did the same thing. I was in your position where I would ignore all texts and calls because I knew they would only get my hopes up (trust me it gets easier to ignore). About a week and a half ago he called me, I didn't pick up, a text saying "just wanted to say hi" followed. When I saw that i felt relieved that I didn't answer because I knew I wasn't ready "just to say hi." He tried calling me again, and I ignored then he sent another text saying "I really need to talk to you can you please pick up." It wasn't until then that I picked up after a month straight with NC. We talked, met up then he asked me if we could get back together, I suggested taking things slow. All in all, let him sweat, as said above, because if he wants to get back he'll send you a message or leave you a voicemail saying he's made a mistake, or that he really needs to talk. Otherwise keep doing what your doing and concentrate on yourself. Hope that helped GOODLUCK Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks so much for your input & support everyone. I really appreciate it! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Hi everyone, I've been doing pretty good the past few days but now I'm almost in tears. He just tried calling me but I didn't answer the phone. He sent me a text saying "Please call me. I really want to see you on your birthday". (My birthday is this weekend). The reason this has me all upset is that he's still not saying anything about wanting me to be his girlfriend again. So, * * * ?? Is he insinuating that he wants to come see me on my birthday this weekend as just a friend?? I think so because otherwise it seems like he'd be saying he wants us to go back out right away so that he can see me sooner than that (seeing as it's only Tuesday now). Link to comment
italiannmf24 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 Don't contact him unless he brings up getting back together, he's not worth your time right now. Stay strict NC with him and he'll see that your serious in making things work. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks for your input italianmf24. He texted me late last night & asked stuff like "are you still available", "are you going on dates with anyone"? So far, I've been sticking to strict NC because I figure as long as he & I aren't back together, that's really none of his business! (I haven't been seeing anyone else by the way). The only problem is, if I ignore him & he doesn't have know whether or not I'm still available/single, then is he really going to risk possible rejection of calling me up & asking me back out only for me to (potentially) tell him sorry I have a new boyfriend now??? Men, I'd be especially interested in hearing your thoughts on that.... I'd like to think though that if he really cared about me/loved me & really wanted me back as his GF, then he'd think the risk of possible rejection would be worth it, right? Link to comment
jonesyjakk Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 i think ur doing the right thing, keep to it but try not to stress over it, think of it as a work in progress, don't put your life on hold waiting for him as me never say he wants you back, just get on with things and remember IT IS OVER unless he says other wise, he will say when he's ready but you may be moved on by then Link to comment
superfox Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 He doesn't want you (yet) but doesnt want anyone else to have you either. When your ex has your daughter keep totally NC! Let him thinks you're out... Link to comment
Real Deal Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 You are doing fine. He will let you know. Like I said before, if the relationship is worth it long-term he will basically beg you back. This almost needs to be the case in order to even begin to try to build the trust again. If and when this happens let him to all the talking at first and DO NOT give him a yes right away. This is not playing games either because you need to make sure that you get where you need to be again before there is any chance of a successful relationship down the road. Make that your priority for now and everything will work out. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 Thanks so much for the great advice everyone. He keeps asking me (via text) whether or not I'm still single. Should I just keep ignoring that question?? Is it reasonable to think he'll ask me back out even if he's not sre whether or not I'm still single & available?? Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 I think you need to tell him once (very clearly) that you are not interested in random hookups or being friends if he has broken up wtih you, and you only want to hear from him again if he wants to actually be your BF again. Otherwise you won't respond to his contact and want to be left alone. Then stick to it and don't respond unless he says he wants to talk to you about getting back together. It could well be that he is dating someone new (or several someone's), but wants to keep you on tap and make sure you are available should he decide to come back, or perhaps just hoping for some FWB sex with no strings attached. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 You have been doing really well so far. It must be extremely hard to stick to strict NC when he is contacting you so frequently asking questions that indicate he could still be interested in you. I do think you have been doing the right thing so far, bearing in mind you responded last time got you nowhere other than to feel rejected. I agree that if he wanted you back he would stop at nothing to get you back or at the very least to let you know he wanted you back. However you are only human and I can completely appreciate why you would now be getting anxious at ignoring all his texts. So I, too, would be inclined to send him a text and I think lavenderdove has pretty much hit the nail on the head as regards what you should say. Link to comment
italiannmf24 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 I'd like to think though that if he really cared about me/loved me & really wanted me back as his GF, then he'd think the risk of possible rejection would be worth it, right? If he wants you back in his life he'll put you there. You should not let him in at all unless he honestly wants to come back to you, keep your distance. He shouldn't be mis-leading you in the first place by still texting, calling, e-mail etc. let him go. If it helps to post on ENA then post away, good luck with the situation! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 Hi everyone, Well, I decided to take lavendarlove's advice & send him a text much like the one that she suggested. However, I'm embarassed to admit that I then screwed up big time. After I sent that text, he texted me back almost immediately. I don't know what the heck I was thinking because I'd been doing so good keeping up with no contact, but the next thing I know I'm having a full on text conversation back & forth with him which then quickly lead to us talking on the phone. I guess at the moment I was really missing him & was feeling kind of hopeful about things with my ex since he kept saying he wanted to celebrate my birthday with me this weekend. I thought surely he realizes I wouldn't be interested in hanging out with him as just friends on my b-day right?? WRONG! He apparently expected that I would think us hanging us out as just friends on my birthday was a great idea. Talking to him was SUCH a mistake! All it did was make me really upset because he basically said that he's been missing me alot lately but he's still not "ready" for me to be his girlfriend again. He said maybe he's enjoying being single right now. Nice, huh? I basically told him, hey if that's how you feel fine but then why can't you just respect that I don't want to hear from you at all unless you want to be in a relationship with me again? Why do you keep calling & texting me practically every single day if you don't want to be in a relationship with me yet you know I've told you I have no interest in being just friends with you? He basically admitted that he's been doing that because he says he's scared that if he doesn't keep contacting me alot that I'll forget about him & start dating other guys. It drives me nuts because he says stuff that it makes it pretty clear that he can't stand the thought of me dating other guys, but it's like why does he even care if he doesn't want to be with me?? I guess it's because he's trying to keep me on the back burner so just in case he decides he wants me back, he's hoping I'll still be available? He also mentioned my weight a few times which really upset me alot. Like he asked how much weight have you lost so far & he basically said that he wants to get back together but would like me to lose more weight first. Nice, huh? I mean, I know I could stand to lose some weight & that's something I'm working on but I really don't think me losing x amount of pounds should be like a prerequisite for us getting back together. I talked to him Wed. night when I sent that text & then again yesterday. I really regret this because all it did was make me really upset. I'm going to try my best now to get right back on track with strict NC. Thank you very much for your input & support everyone. I really appreciate it. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 18, 2011 Share Posted February 18, 2011 Well, I decided to take lavendarlove's advice & send him a text much like the one that she suggested. However, I'm embarassed to admit that I then screwed up big time. The point of sending him a text like the one LD suggested above was to avoid the situation you later found yourself in. However this isn't your fault. He knows what you want yet he continues to contact you even though you have specifically asked him not unless he wanted to get back together with you. Its no wonder that it gave you some hope. He basically admitted that he's been doing that because he says he's scared that if he doesn't keep contacting me alot that I'll forget about him & start dating other guys. A classic case of not wanting to be with you but not wanting anyone else to be with you. I guess it's because he's trying to keep me on the back burner so just in case he decides he wants me back, he's hoping I'll still be available? Most probably and very selfish indeed. He also mentioned my weight a few times which really upset me alot. Like he asked how much weight have you lost so far & he basically said that he wants to get back together but would like me to lose more weight first. He said what? Not only is he selfish, he is downright nasty. I wouldn't waste any more time on this guy. If he doesn't want to take you now, as you are, then leave him behind and move on. I talked to him Wed. night when I sent that text & then again yesterday. I really regret this because all it did was make me really upset. I'm going to try my best now to get right back on track with strict NC. Thank you very much for your input & support everyone. I really appreciate it. Yes stick with strict NC. He has had his chances and he hasn't taken them. However out of something negative comes something positive. The positive in your case being that you have learnt something very valuable .... and your ex has also shown his true colours!! The lesson here is that unless an ex tells you in no uncertain terms that they want you back we must never, ever assume that their contact means otherwise because, from my own experience and from that of others on here, it seems that 99.9% of the time it most certainly DOESN'T mean that! This is just a little blip. You will get back on track in no time, this time even better equipped! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 19, 2011 Author Share Posted February 19, 2011 Thank you very much for your input & support a little blue. I really appreciate it. He tried contacting me a few times today but I ignored him. One of his texts he sent today said "Aww. I don't want to lose you". I basically just rolled my eyes when I saw that because obviously it's just a bunch of bs since if he was really that worried about losing me, he'd be asking me to be his girlfriend again. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 19, 2011 Share Posted February 19, 2011 What he means is he doesn't want to lose you being there for him. He doesn't want to lose your affection. You are right when you said that if he really didn't want to lose you then he would ask you to be his girlfriend again. He might not want to lose you ... but not in that way. Remind yourself of that each time he tries to contact you. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Thanks for your input a-little-blue. Yesterday was my birthday & he tried contacting me several times. (Mostly text messages & a few voicemail messages). He texted me happy birthday & then he kept trying to get a hold of me because he said he really wanted to see me on my birthday. He offered to take me out to dinner, said he had a card for me, etc. However, he wasn't saying ANYTHING about wanting me to be his girlfriend again so I just completely ignored him as I had zero interest in hanging out with him as just "friends". Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 If he continues to contact you a lot, you need to for a while respond to every text (no matter what he says) with: "So does this mean you want to talk about getting back together?" Respond that way again and again, until he realizes that is ALL you're interested in, and you won't see him or communicate with him for any other reason. Do that for a week or two (if he keeps saying no, he's not interested in being your BF again), until he either stops, or you've done it enough times that there is no way he can miss that point, and at that point tell him that you will no longer respond to any texts, calls, or emails unless he says he wants to talk about getting back togerther, because you have no interest in being friends or FWB and he is wasting his time if that's all he wants. Then go totally silent. You'll have given him plenty of chances to understand your point, and if he doesn't after a couple weeks, it just means he doesn't WANT to get your point because he just wants a friend or a FWB situation or someone to tide him over until he finds a new GF. You don't want him under any of those circumstances. Link to comment
lavenderdove Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Oh wow, i just read your other post about this guy, that he says he won't get back with you until you weight 125 lbs and he wants to just get together to have sex until then... What a terrible guy! He's willing to use you for his sexual needs, but treat you like crap and a sex toy who needs to meet his 'specifications' in order to be your BF... what happens when you get pregnant, or when you age and get wrinkles, or age and gain a few pounds, or get sick and lose your hair or lose a breast to cancer?? will he think it is OK to toss you over then because you don't meet his 'standard'... you don't want to be with a person like this, no one does! This man doesn't love you or he wouldn't behave this way. You're not grossly obese and frankly 14 is the average size for women! Most women are not supposed to be model thin (and have to starve themselves to do so), and it is normal to have curves. I don't think this is the guy for you. He's showing how incredibly selfish and unrealistic his expectations are, and that he wants a certain body or he doesn't take you seriously. If he loved you, 10 or 20 lbs wouldn't matter because you are not grossly obese or outside a reasonable weight range. I would tell this guy that fine, if he'll take you back when you get to the goal weight of 125, you'll take him back when his penis grows another inch or two, which obviously it won't. Then dump him. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Hi LavenderDove, Thanks so much for your support. I think what you suggested I say to him makes alot of sense. However, for me personally, I think it's probably best that I stick to strict NC for now. Otherwise, I know if I say ANYTHING to him I'm just going to get sucked right back into having a full on conversation with him again & then I'll go right back to feeling really emotional & upset when he tells me that he's still not "ready" to be in a relationship with me again yet. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Also LD, as far as what you said about my weight, I definitely agree that he's being very selfish & realistic about his expectations of how he thinks I should look. However, as sweet of you as it is to say that I'm not outside a reasonable weight range, according to the BMI charts, etc., I AM overweight. So, he's actually right that I do need to lose weight. However, he doesn't need to be such a jerk about it!! Also, I should mention that he also said that he'd prefer to wait until I'm at my goal weight (125) before we get back together. However, he said it's not necessarily a prerequisite to getting back together but that he would prefer it if I lose at least some weight before we get back together. (Not sure how many pounds lost would be good enough for him). Yes,I know. Still a really jerky thing for him to say. Link to comment
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