miami Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 Arrrghhh!!!! Maintain NC!!! This guy is just stringing you along and wants to make sure you are still available for him at a moment's notice. The thought of you "moving on" drives him crazy. He gets off on knowing that you are still pining for him, and it feeds his ego to know that you would go back to him at a moment's notice. Be strong, or at the very least...ACT strong. The power in any relationship is in the hands of the person with the least interest in maintaining it. Clearly, he has the power because you continue to remind him that he does. Listen, if a guy likes you and wants to be your boyfriend, he will move heaven and Earth to let you know. HE DOES NOT LOVE YOU!!!!! Get that through your head. I know it hurts, but it's the reality of the situation. It doesn't mean you're not good enough or anything like that, it simply means he is not interested. Avoid all contact with this guy, because clearly you only set yourself back each time you do. To him, you are like a puppy dog waiting by the door for a hint of the master's return. Don't prove him right. Link to comment
Ely Posted February 21, 2011 Share Posted February 21, 2011 You deserve better than this. If he really cared about you, he'd stay around and help you lose the weight. That's what my X did and I was size 18 and he was at a normal weight, but he went with me to the gym, helped me eat healthier and never ever made me feel like I was any less because of my weight. So please don't bother waiting for someone as superficial and vain as your ex. Now, I'm down to a size 14 and part of it is thanks to my X support. He always made me feel beautiful and hot, and I'm sure if it'd have been the contrary, I'd have never lost weight. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 21, 2011 Author Share Posted February 21, 2011 Thank you for your input miami & Ely. I really appreciate it. One of the texts he sent me today said "I miss you more everyday". Whatever. He can't be missing me that much or else he'd be asking me to please be his girlfriend again. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 He is trying to pull you in again. Maybe he does think he misses you when he hasn't got your attention but the minute he has it he backs off again. I know its hard but ignore him. There really is no point in going round and round in the same circle. He likes to reel you in, then when he has you he throws you out to sea again and knows that when it looks like you are swimming away he only has to start reeling again. Link to comment
miami Posted February 22, 2011 Share Posted February 22, 2011 I couldn't have said it better myself, a-little-blue has nailed it. Butterfly6585, STAY AWAY!!!! Do not be fooled again! He because he is fundamentally insecure at his core, his response is predictable and will result in an escalation of his efforts. The more you resist and ignore, the stronger he will try to convince you that he is interested. It's a vicious cycle, and most feeble-minded women usually fall for it. DON'T!!!! Let me prepare you mentally for some of the other text messages you can expect from this loser, you've already indicated he used "I miss you more everyday." Keep ignoring...they will get better! Prepare for: "I was at our old {fill in blank here} and thought of us. Miss you." "Are you ok? I have not heard from you and just wanted to make sure you're fine." "Our old song came on the radio and reminded me of you, have a great day." "I'd really like to talk to you, miss you so much. Call me." "OMG, I ran into {insert mutual friend here} and they said hello. Hope you are well." All of these are simply ways for him to force himself into your consciousness. As sort of "mind****" if you will. The funny thing is that you might feel like you're the weak one, but in reality it's him. As long as you remain strong & disinterested, he will pursue you to reassure himself that you're still his at a moment's notice. As much as you may want to believe his lies in your heart of hearts, that he has changed, or that NOW he had a revelation and TRULY loves you, please don't. I guarantee that he is lying to you, himself or both. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 Thanks for taking the time to write to me again about this miami. I really appreciate it. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 22, 2011 Author Share Posted February 22, 2011 A text he sent me this morning said: "Hey, will you really go back out with me if I ask you?" I just ignored it. Wasn't about to give him reassurance that yes, I'm still right here waiting for you. Link to comment
miami Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 A text he sent me this morning said There will be more like those on the way. Not very subtle your ex, he must not have much game. He WILL text/email you a few times until he sees you don't respond and will then step it up with a phone call. If he manages to get through (perhaps dialing from a phone you don't recognize), his expectation (hope really) will be that you're still all sad and distraught over him to fuel his ego. Here is where you need to dig deep and deliver an Oscar-worthy performance like you could care less. Don't be rude, just be indifferent, and tell him: "{His name here,} there is nothing left to be said between us. The past is the past...let's keep it that way. I wish you a great life, hope you move on, etc, etc, but this is getting ridiculous. Please, act like a man and take a hint, this is getting embarrassing." Yes, you are turning the tables on him. He is now revealed as the pathetic creature that he is, while you are high on living life! Warning, this could result in him bringing out the big guns and a waterfall of "I love you's," but it's all an illusion. Remain indifferent! Reveal no emotion (sadness, regret, happiness, etc.). Stuff them away and remain cold as a cucumber. Your heart may still be breaking and healing inside, but you will walk away with your dignity and pride. Good luck! Link to comment
Tanzi Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 A text he sent me this morning said: "Hey, will you really go back out with me if I ask you?" I just ignored it. Wasn't about to give him reassurance that yes, I'm still right here waiting for you. Oh he is really trying to reel you in again now isn't he? I am so glad that you ignored him. You are being AMAZINGLY strong. How selfish of him though ... what a question!! What kind of game is he playing? Just keep reminding yourself that you are more of a catch than he is He is watching you swim further and further away and he ain't liking it. Once you give him that reassurance that he is so desperate for he will most likely back right off again, pleased with the knowledge that you are safely where he left you ... waiting for him. Only when he specifically says that he wants you back should you bother to respond ... but even then I would ask myself if I really wanted to be with a man who suggests I lose weight before thinking about getting back together!!! You keep on swimming girl!! Let him cast out his fishing line into empty waters. Link to comment
miami Posted February 23, 2011 Share Posted February 23, 2011 Only when he specifically says that he wants you back should you bother to respond Ackk!!!!!! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo. This guy is BAD NEWS and has nothing positive to offer. Toss this one and don't even look back...good riddance!!!! You keep on swimming girl!! Yes! Keep swimming away from this loser! Far, far away! Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 Miami & a little blue, Thanks so much for your input. I've now been doing strict NC for 9 days now (although he's continued to send me texts or leave voicemails every day). As far as what you suggested I tell him miami, at this point I don't feel comfortable talking to him at all because I know all it will do is upset me. Also, I realize he's said & done things to act like a jerk. However, if it's at all possible, then I think I would like to try to reconcile with him as this is someone I wanted to marry so I do still have alot of feelings for him. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 26, 2011 Author Share Posted February 26, 2011 I will say though that after just 9 days of not talking to him at all, I no longer feel that sense of desparation like I HAVE to be with him again. Yes, I would like to reconcile with him, but I'm starting to feel alot more confident like "Hey, I have alot to offer & if he doesn't want to be with me, then I'm sure I can find someone else who does want to be with me". Here's a quick sampling of a few text messages he's sent me from yesterday & today (most recent first): "Call me so I know where we stand please. Are you single"? "Miss your pretty face". "Miss you and __)". (__ is my daughter). "I plan to go back out in a bit. Just need a little more time". (This one really ticked me off because it's like he's clearly insinuating that he thinks he can get me back at any time & that I'll just be right there waiting for him). Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 I'm curious to see what happens when you keep ignoring this. Well done. Link to comment
Oneironaut Posted February 26, 2011 Share Posted February 26, 2011 Yes, keep us posted, and believe me...there are PLENTY of guys out there who will love you no matter what weight you are. If you lose weight, do it for YOU, not any of them. Good luck in that goal, it's harder to do than quitting heroin, lol.. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Thanks MakeIt & Oneironaut. Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 this guy fishing HARD. Seriously well done in ignoring him. Should probably expect a phone call soon. Let's see if what we've learned on ENA applies here. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted February 28, 2011 Author Share Posted February 28, 2011 Thanks for your input MakeIt. I'm now on day 12 of NC which is officially the longest I've EVER gone without talking to him. (The longest prior to this was 11 days NC & that was a really long time ago). I haven't heard from him at all today which is very unusual. I should probably feel relieved in a way but instead I've felt pretty sad all day today. Link to comment
yellow89 Posted February 28, 2011 Share Posted February 28, 2011 You're doing the right thing - I know it's so hard to ignore those messages but you should until you know for sure getting back together's what he really wants. Don't worry that he'll 'give up' and stop contacting you because if he really wanted to work things out he will keep trying. As for his earlier texts that led you to believe he wanted you back - I think guys like to know that they could have you if they wanted, it's their huge egos - he was probably testing the water to see if you would come back if he asked, and once you stopped contacting him he's started to panic that he could be losing you. It's not good to game play though, make sure that if you get back together it's for the right reasons. Good luck x Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 This past Friday (the 4th), I had gone two weeks of complete NC with my ex. He had been continuing to send me texts & leave me voice mail messages every single day but I had been completely ignoring him for the last two weeks. However, all of that changed this past Friday, the 4th. Here's what happened... Last Thursday night, I'd been thinking about how just because my ex & I weren't together anymore, it seemed kind of silly for me to also feel like I had to give up being friends with the people/friends I had met through him. There was one girl in particular that I used to really enjoy spending time with. So, I decided to send her a friend request on FB just to say hi, how are you, etc. On Fri. morning, I saw that she had approved my friend request so I went on her page & sent her a quick friendly email. While looking at her page, I happened to notice right away that my ex was listed right near the top of her friend list. So, I decided to click on his page. (Yes, I know that was really stupid of me. However, I'd already been looking at his page on a fairly regular basis although there was really nothing to see (normally) since he has his FB page set to private). However, when I looked at his page this time, everything looked exactly the same except for one glaringly obvious difference. This time, you could see his relationship status & it showed that he was in a relationship with ____. (He must have had his privacy settings set up so that friends of friends could see this). Words can't even express how upset I was when I saw that (at that moment much more angry & sad). Now, we're broken up so obviously he had every right to be out there dating & sleeping with whoever he wanted to. However, he had been contacting me every single day (on average 3 times a day, occasionally as few as once a day & sometimes several times a day). He continued trying to contact me every single day even when I went total NC with him for two weeks straight!! He kept contacting me like this after I had already asked him (repeatedly) to please just leave me alone & not contact me AT ALL unless & until he was serious about wanting to be in a relationship with me again because I told him I didn't want to be just friends with him or just casually date him while he was also seeing other girls. Clearly, he didn't respect my feelings about that since he just kept on contacting me. When I asked him once recently why he just kept on contacting me, he told me it was because he was scared that if he didn't contact me every day, that I'd forget all about him & find some new guy to be with. I was so angry when I found out he had a new girlfriend because I thought it was just totally wrong that here he was sending ME messages EVERY day saying things like please call me, I miss you, are you seeing anyone? I hope not, etc. Around 3:00 AM last Friday, the 4th (same day I found out he was in a relationship with some other girl), he sent me four texts in a row that said stuff like "I miss you lots. I've been thinking about you alot lately". One text even said "I still love you. I'm just dumb". When I saw those texts, I just ignored them & my plan was to keep up with complete NC cuz even though I hoped to reconcile, he wasn't actually asking me to be his girlfriend again. When I saw on his FB page last Fri. that he actually had a new GF, I was just so, so angry. I just couldn't even believe that he'd have the nerve to send me messages like that telling me he misses me & loves me when he was seeing some other girl exclusively. So, I contacted his new GF by sending her an email on FB. (I now really regret doing that as it resulted in MAJOR drama). I normally am not at all a vengeful person (honestly!), but I was just so incredibly hurt and angry due to how often he was contacting me & the kind of messages he was leaving me. She emailed me back almost immediately. I didn't in any way directly encourage her to break up with him but I did tell her hey, these are the texts he sent me this morning & he's been contacting me every single day (even after I asked him not to) & I thought you deserved to know that. I figured she might not believe me so I offered to forward the texts to her on her phone. She told me she did believe me but asked me to forward the texts anyways to her phone & so I did. She even called me & we talked (only for maybe 5 or 10 minutes max). She was really nice to me as I was to her (as it's not like she did anything wrong) & she thanked me for letting her know. She said she really appreciated it. (Still would NOT recommend it to anyone in a similar situation as it did end up causing MAJOR drama)!! I also let her know how he had tried contacting me literally about 10 times recently on my birthday (a few weeks ago) asking go out me if I'd like to go out to dinner with him that day. (Even though I had no clue at the time that he was seeing someone else exclusively, I still ignored him completely because I was trying really hard to stick with the whole NC thing). He now claims that he never met would have actually gone to dinner with me on my birthday. He says he was just trying to get me to pick up the phone & talk to him. (Yeah right)!! To make a long story short, later that same night, she dumped him. (She told me on the phone earlier that she'd already been leaning towards breaking up with him because I guess things hadn't been going that great between them the last week or so they were together). He then called me up & he was so angry at me for as he put it, ruining things between them. He yelled at me on the phone & called me practically every name in the book. The next day, Saturday he kept calling & texting me, like incessantly. Since I was still really angry about the whole situation, I ignored him all Friday night and all day & night Saturday. Sunday afternoon, I made the mistake of picking up the phone to ask him to leave me alone & stop contacting me. At first, he was all friendly & then he asked me please be his girlfriend again. I told him that I couldn't even believe he had the nerve to ask me to be his gf again almost immediately after this other girl dumped him! I was SO angry & sad that he'd do that because I had let him know for like the past two months that I would really like us to be bf & gf again & instead of choosing to be with me when I gave him the chance (repeatedly), he had chosen to ask this other girl to be his gf instead! I just can't even believe that he expected me to go flying right back into his arms & get back together with him immediately because of course I would have felt like he wasn't necessarily with me because he really WANTED to be but maybe only because this other girl was no longer an option! He kept persisting on Sunday & yesterday to try to talk me into going out with him & when he finally realized that I wasn't about to bend & just immediately get back together with him, he was SO angry!! From the way he was yelling, I was really getting worried because he was acting like he was about to lose it. (I'm sure he wasn't too happy because he had basically just had two girls reject him at basically the same time). He said some really mean, awful things to me (that made me cry). Also, before he had asked me back out & while he was still ranting & raving about how mad he was that I screwed things up with him & this other girl, he negatively compared me to her in a number of ways & that upset me so, so much. Yet he expects me just a few days later to already have forgived him for all the mean stuff he said to me?? Not to mention the fact that he chose to date someone exclusively & have sex with them when he could have been doing that with me instead??? Also, when I said no to going back out with him, he actually had the nerve to be like "Fine, then I'll see if ___ wants to be with me" who is the girl that had just dumped him!! He clearly was acting like he had the attitude of he didn't seem to really care WHICH one of us would be his GF,like either of us would do&he really thinks that's supposed to make me feel special?? Yesterday, I called my cell phone company & had my phone number changed. I had asked him to give me space right now because I was feeling so upset & p***ed off about everything, yet he just kept on trying to contact me alot & I just couldn't deal with it anymore, especially since he was still continuing to leave me some really angry sounding messages including some where he was practically demanding that I go back out with him rather than asking nicely & being all super apologetic about things. At that point, he hadn't apologetic AT ALL. He stopped by my apartment both yesterday & today but I just ignored him & didn't answer the door as I'm still really angry right now. Yesterday, he left a card for me in my mailbox. Today when he came by, he left another card as well as a dozen roses for me. The roses were beautiful & the card he left today was very romantic but at this point I'm still keeping up with ignoring him because I am still just SO angry & upset about the whole situation! I'd hoped for quite some time that we could reconcile as I do love him alot. We dated for three years & I loved him so much that I'd hoped to someday marry him & have a family with him. So, now he's finally giving me the chance to reconcile with him but this is not at all the way I'd wanted it to happen. I mean, how could I not feel like he was only choosing to be with me since his first choice dumped him?? Also, some of the mean comments he made the other day had to do with my weight. So, if he's not going to be satisfied with my body, why would he even want to be with me or me with him?? I've been trying to work out more & I'm working on losing weight but I know that at my current size (14), he's probably not going to be satisfied with me. I really hope he's not going to come by my house yet again tomorrow as I just don't want to see him right now. I need more time to think about things & have space from him. In the card he left for me yesterday, he asked meto please call him from a restricted number. I guess because he knows I'm not about to give him my new cell phone number right now. I didn't call him though. He's blocked now from being able to email me but he has been sending me text messages through yahoo instant messenger which I've also been ignoring. On those messages, he's been saying stuff like he's so sorry for everything that's happened, etc. Any thoughts/input would be much appreciated. Link to comment
Outshined Posted March 8, 2011 Share Posted March 8, 2011 Wow.....just wow for now. Ill be back later. Link to comment
butterfly6585 Posted March 8, 2011 Author Share Posted March 8, 2011 Okay, now I'm crying. Just logged into yahoo IM & there was an offline message from him that he'd sent me earlier today. He said "Please check your front porch. I'm coming over to take you to look at rings". (When I didn't answer the door when he came by earlier today, he left the card & roses for me on the front porch). I know when he said the ring thing, that he was referring to taking me to look at engagement rings. So, that just really upsets me because for one thing, he ALREADY took me to look at engagement rings (his idea) a long time ago after we broke up & he certainly never ended up buying a ring & proposing to me. Looking back now, I think he only did that because he was desperate to try to see me. A big reason we broke up is because after 3 years together, I was ready to take things to the next level with him (marriage, kids) & he apparently wasn't ready for that (with me anyways) so we both went our separate ways. He kept trying for months to convince me to forget the whole engagement/marriage thing (for now anyways) & just get back together with him as bf&gf. Because I love him so much, he finally wore me down & I finally agreed a few months ago to be his gf again. Last I knew, he'd decided that maybe he was having fun being single & maybe he just wanted to be single for awhile. So, you can imagine how much it hurt me to find out that he actually went ahead & asked someone else to be his gf. I just can't even believe he wanted to (supposedly) take me to go look at engagement rings today (for the second time). Link to comment
MakeItCount Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I'll be as blunt as I can here. This guy is a giant douchebag. GIANT. DOUCHEBAG. If you get back together with him, you're seriously not allowed to come and post here. I'm half serious here. This guy is a manipulative liar, and almost borderline psychotic. He gets with another girl, keeps messaging that he misses you, then freaks out and insults you, then flips right around and tries to apologize, and then tries to manipulate you again with buying rings?! After he just had another gf?! You cannot seriously be considering this. Ditch this loser and move on. It'll be hard, but you'll end up WAY more hurt in the end if you go back to him. Please think hard about this and you'll see I'm right. Link to comment
Pisces Girl Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Oh wow, I don't even know what to say! This guy sounds like a huge jerk! From what you're telling me, it kind of reminds me of this guy that I had a thing with on and off for 3 years. We were best friends that always had feelings for each other. But he did the same thing where he would make it seem like he wanted to date me, and when I finally decided I wanted to be with him, he would back away and get with some other girl. This kept happening for 3 whole years. At the time, I didn't think anything of it- I was in love with him and I was blinded by his flaws. Looking back on it, I'm disgusted I wasted so much time on that jerk who still has anger management problems, and jumps from one gf to another. Seriously no woman deserves to be treated like this!! I know that a part of you loves him and really wants to be with him, but you have to use your head here! Don't you want to be with someone that's going to love you no matter what you look like, and would never think of saying hurtful things that would make you cry? Don't settle for someone that's going to be all over you one minute, but then goes and treats you like crap the next. Getting married is a huge commitment- you don't want to make a decision you're going to regret. Your emotions seem all over the place right now, so it's probably not a good idea to make such a big decision. I would say go NC for good. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 Where to start?!?! Remember all that you have said above when he next asks you to be his girlfriend again or even to marry you. He has taken you to look at rings before so don't fall for that old line again. He is mean and nasty about your weight. He compares you unfavourably to his now ex. He screams abuse at you for ruining his relationship even though he is also asking you to get back with him at the same time. WT*!! What nice or charming qualities does this guy actually have? And how can you be sure he isn't doing and saying exactly the same thing to the other girl? This guys is a nasty, immature, desperate sorry excuse of a man and you should not let this man back in your life. He doesn't sound trustworthy at all. Why would you even contemplate going out with someone who felt it OK to compare you unfavourable to his ex and who you know isn't going to be satisfied with your size. He sounds controlling ... only he isn't very good at it. PS. I think you would have been better off creating a new thread (with perhaps a link or reference to this one) as it may help you get more opinions. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted March 9, 2011 Share Posted March 9, 2011 I also let her know how he had tried contacting me literally about 10 times recently on my birthday (a few weeks ago) asking go out me if I'd like to go out to dinner with him that day. He now claims that he never would have actually gone to dinner with me on my birthday. He says he was just trying to get me to pick up the phone & talk to him. (Yeah right!!) This just about says it all and sums all his actions up perfectly. This is probably true ... and its also probaby the only bit of truth he has told. Honesly, butterfly, stay strong and don't let this awful guy reel you back in. You don't need ANY of this and you don't have to have ANY of this. Link to comment
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.