Do Ex's that want to be friends ever come back to more?

[darklich14]

My ex broke up with me about 2 months ago because she wanted space to find herself. How common is this? And since she told me there was nothing wrong with me and that I didn't do anything wrong to make her do this, and that she still wants to be my friend, and that there are no other guys, and that she knows I'm a really great guy, what does this all mean? I'm ready to be her friend and support her in her decisions, but she's not willing to give anything back. I guess she still needs space, but has anyone ever gotten back together after something like this? I miss her a ton, and I realize that we're not together now, but would she ever ask someone she talked about marriage with to be her friend if she didn't want to come back some day? I guess this is just a general question of what people have seen happen. Anything would be cool

[mermayd]

I dont want to sound negative in any way...but honesst. Many people do need space to find themself and establish their life. usually, if they intend to keep contact with the other person (you) they will do so. But it sounds like she is pulling away which may mean that there was nothing wrong with you, nor the relationship, but that she just grew in another direction and may have a hard time telling this to you...or even admitting it to herself. In my personal experience and from what I have seen, things do not return to the way they once were. I hate to be the bearer of bad news...I really do, but I think it would be hard for you once you come to this realization. I do not think it is highly likely, but I wouldn't say it is out of the question either.

[Quill]

Yes it's VERY common for people to break up with somone using the explanation of "I need space, it's not you, it's me, you're wonderful and perfect, you didn't do anything wrong, I want to be friends, there's no one else". 99% of the time it's complete rubbish.... just a lot easier to come out with those lines than have to face their own truth, let alone verbalise it to you and have to deal with your added rejection pain. It's rather cowardly.... they want what they want without any drama or guilt and to keep the status quo.

 

Truth is, people just don't break up with someone they're happy with, with someone they see a future with... they just don't. If someone "needs space to find themselves" they discuss their needs and negotiate them within the relationship because they love and care about you (and the relationship) enough to work at it, they don't throw the baby out with the water.

 

Only your ex knows her real reasons for breaking up with you, I suggest you do not mess with your head trying to find meaning in her words to you or her friend.... look at a persons actions, they will ALWAYS speak louder.

 

Be good to yourself.... accept what is by giving up any wishful thinking, bid her a fond farewell in your heart and mind, physically too if that's what you need to move on. Personally, if someone no longer wants to be with me and needs a break, I'll grant them a permanent one on every level, no questions asked and no looking back.

 

Smile, you're now free to find someone who REALLY wants to be with you!.

[killer_bimbo]

The same thing has happened to me. My ex girlfriend split up with me because she basically had no other life outside of our relationship, and at 19, felt she was missing out on going out and stuff, despite the fact that both me and her parents tried to encourage her to do more things, because we knew it wasn't good. After 3 months of her promising to phone me, then just not bothering, I sent her an email and text telling her that I didn't want to speak to her ever again, because, although I loved who she was, I don't really like who she is, after needlessly hurting me and leaving me hanging on for 3 months. I got a tearful phonecall as soon as she got it, saying that she never realised she turned into such a horrible person, and that she's been meaning to phone me for a while, but didn't know what to say, and that she wanted to meet up with me to find out exactly how she felt. We spoke to each other for ages a couple of days later, just about how we were and stuff, but as affectionate as we would when we were together, and have been texting each other quite a bit every day since, and we're meeting up next sunday. She says she wants to take things slow, and if the chemistry is still there when we meet up, she wants to give things a chance, taking things slowly, and see how it goes. Ok, so it's not a completely positive reply, when we meet up, she could just not feel the same about me, but it's about as positive an experience as I can give right now

[darklich14]

First thing I'd like to say about the replies that the above two gave -- I think the issue is more complicated than as simply stated as above. Many things were left out, so I don't know if you got a full understanding in your explanation. Another thing -- Quill, though my ex said all those things, it was because we were fighting and I was overly jealous about my ex needing to find herself that she broke up with me. She said I smothered her and made her feel constricted. Eventually, it led to a breakup, at which point we are both going to learn what we want and who we are, and when the time comes that she wants to rekindle things, we'll be able to value each other as true people. The metamorphosis we're both going through will yeild positive results in the long run, even though it involved a breakup in the short run.

 

As for bimbo --

That sounds like about the case that's going on with me. I didn't really mention that she really didn't really have much of a life outside of me. She's doing everything she can to change herself for the better to find out who she is and whatnot. But I think the biggest problem in my case is I was pushing for what I wanted in the long run, and I wanted it right now. I've been doing a lot of thinking about the issue, obviously, and I don't think that changing yourself for the better ends up making a relationship not work out in the long run. When you have something as valuable as the relationship I had, you don't want to give up all hope, because as a first love, I think it's the closest thing to true love you'll ever have. If you think that just because it's over in the short term, and you go jumping around from person to person, leaving everything that doesn't work exactly right 100% of the time in the trash, you'll never get anywhere -- just hurt again and again.

[thrawn888]

Hi darklich,

 

And id like to say i too am in much the same position as you are my jelousy of my girlfriend caused alot of problems because she always goes out alot and likes to hang with the guys and such which i was never to keen on and her seeing her guy friends more than me was not acceptible and i complained alot and maybe it caused problems. Then she gave me the its not ur fault lets be friends routine naturally i agreed and im her friend now and i dunno.....my paranoia has always been a problem. But anyhow i am trying to trust her again while its hard since we work at same place and all and i just dont know if shes being truthful anymore hearing so many stories from various people and assuming the worst im trying to get back with my girl but from the 2 posts i read it dont look good for me. Hopefully it works for you but your not alone in your experience and i feel good im not alone either.

[BrokenHero]

OK, last summer my friend David met a girl named Sarah at a party. They talked for a couple days after that. Then he asked her out, she said yes. 2 1/2 months later. He broke up with her. About a week after that, I started talking to her. We talked and hung out for about a week. Man those were the days. Then I asked her out, I had so much fun. 10 months later, She dumped me at my prom. 2 weeks after, I found out that she likes my best friend (who ive known for 5 years.) Not only that, I also found out that they kissed each other twice. What hurts the most, is the fact that neither my ex, nor my "best friend" told me. And at my graduation, my friend picked the seats (right behind my ex and my friend)

When she left she didnt even say goodbye. And my friend looked at me like i was a fool. It hurt so much. I wanted to break down right there. But i couldnt. I had no tears left. I wonder if she just felt guilty or if she was over me? Should I try for her again? or let her remain in my heart forever and move on. Please Give me some much needed guidance.

[zerohour]

darklich and thrawn,

 

My situation sounds almost exactly like yours. It's amazing reading these posts--I thought my situation was so unique, and it has all of the same key aspects as yours.

 

My first love broke up with me about 3 weeks ago, and gave a full-on "it's not you it's me" schpiel. I mean, this was uber-textbook. She cited many reasons why it was actually her. She's dealing with a lot of issues in her life right now, a few hard decisions she has to make soon, she's having trouble fitting in socially, is unsure of who she is as a person. The classic... "I have been dependant on relationships for so long, I've forgotten what it is like to be a person for myself." "Before I can be true in a relationship, I have to be able to stand on my own."

 

Of course, throughout this, she insisted that I was "the perfect guy for her," and that she was "not interested in ANY guy right now." She even told me about a couple guys who were already trying to ask her out and how she had turned them down (the point of her telling me was, I think, to show that she was telling the truth on that point--of course all it did was drive a knife through my heart).

 

In a conversation following the breakup, I asked her what she ultimately wanted, and the answer was "for us to be together and for it to be perfect." I think for a while, I only heard the first part of this sentence...

 

She wants for us to be together, huh? Well so do I. So why aren't we together? It makes perfect sense... if we both want to be together, we obviously should.

 

It's the "and for it to be perfect" part that is the most important in this sentence. That's the part that she didn't feel was possible. Obviously. Otherwise we would still be together.

 

I've come to realize that what I (and you two as well) got was the "it's not you it's me" breakup line turned into a whole grand production. It's like when someone takes a short parable and turns it into a huge hollywood movie. The same damn line, to the Nth degree, played up and taken to all of its (il)logical conclusions.

 

Not buying it? You think your situation is special and that deep down she really wants to be with you, but isn't emotionally able to at this point in her life? Think about it for a second...

 

You're going through a hard time in your life. You are dealing with personal issues or having identity trouble.

 

Now pretend that you have someone in your life that you care about as much as us three obviously care about our EXs. Is the best way to deal with your problems to remove them from your life? Of course not. A strong, healthy relationship that you are dedicated to represents a pillar of strength and security in anyone's life. That's not something that anybody--especially somebody in emotional turmoil--is going to just remove from their life because they are suddenly hit by some revelation: they NEED to be single right now.

 

Nobody NEEDS to be single. It's not some biological reaction that occurs against a person's will. If they say this, they really mean that they WANT to be single. And that very obviously means that they WANT out of the relationship with you.

 

Unfortunately for us, this person is probably incredibly confused about what they want, and don't even realize it. And so they can't fully let go of the relationship. It's everything both a closed door. I'm not sure about you guys, but after I got the friend speech, my ex and I were still talking pretty regularly, and she would always be sure to say that she loved me, and that I said the same back to her. How's that for giving me all kinds of hope for the situation?

 

So what did I do? I requested that she not contact me anymore. How does this solve anything? It takes away her power over the whole situation. Face it--right now, your ex has the best of both worlds. She has you strung along and knows that you will get back together with her whenever she wants, she also has the freedom of not being committed to you in a relationship, and she has the satisfaction of knowing that there is someone out there that cares a ridiculous amount about her. By asking her not to call or contact you, she can't check up on the situation. She doesn't have regular reassurance that you're still there when she's ready. It forces her to accept the finality of her decision, which up until this point, she has been able to very easily put off. After all, she broke up with you--the door is still open to her. Until now...

 

Of course, you should not cut off contact in a cold way. You should be honest and explain that right now, you need to be separate, and that you think it would be best if you two didn't talk for a while. Maybe a few months. Tell her that YOU will call her when YOU think you are ready--and not before.

 

In a few months when you talk to her, you will hopefully find that you have both been able to move on. And if, by chance, you do end up getting back together, you will be confident that it is because you both genuinely want to be with the other person, and not because you are simply too dependent on them to be single. If it was meant to be, it will happen again. If not, well, you've got to move on sometime.

 

At least that is what worked (or is working) for me. Everyone needs to find their own solutions, but whatever you do, I hope you choose the high road. Groveling and wallowing in misery never got anyone anywhere... believe me.

 

-Zer0

[BrokenHero]

Oh yea btw i forgot to mention that shes going out with my best friend....But i guess i cant change that. I think I will break off contact with her tonight. Because I have GOT to stop thinking about her 24/7 heh. Thanks Alot Zer0 IT helps alot knowing theres someone out there. Wednesday morning, I spelled "I Love you" with white and red roses on her lawn. This was 4 am that i did that. Her parents woke her up at 6:30am, to see it. She came over later on in the day. We really didnt talk all that much. Every time I would open up to her. She would throw what i said back in my face. (I told her she needs to grow up) So im thinking of just backing off for good this time. Thanks Zer0. Dude if ya ever want to talk. My Aim is FaFAdvocate, and my Yahoo ID is robot129us. You sound pretty cool.

[colly]

zerohour - i don't nthink i have ever heard such a truthful piece of advice