Need advice:

[want her back]

To spare you from my long story (I have posted a few times)....my g/f of 6+ years recently requested space about 1-2 months ago. The reasons for the space were in a nutshell (my neglecting her for a long time, my not buying ring when she wanted marriage so bad, and her becoming friends with a 3rd party from her work).

 

Since the initial request for space....she has only called me. She calls me nearly everyday now, in repeated discussions she has made it clear she doesn't want any relationship right now. But she gives me mixed signals all the time. She is basically stringing me along.

 

This last weekend she went with me to a wedding, we spent the day together, and at the end of the evening things got a little emotional, and she kissed me. She has expressed numerous times she is afraid to take me back for fear of the things I didn't do in the past, and she is afraid I wont want her back if she takes me back.

 

So, I'm stuck in this position. I have considered trying to win her back with a ring, and I'm still pondering that. I want to be with this girl and work on our problems, but she doesn't right now.

 

This coming weekend, she is making a trip with me to pick up a puppy. We will be with each other for the majority of the weekend.

 

I need advice on how to act, how to treat her. If nothing else is clear, it is clear she doesn't want to talk about our relationship or analyze things, she just wants to have fun. But she is being extremely selfish in not addressing or acknowledging my feelings. IT's so hard to just be with her and be so upbeat and light, b/c I have so many feelings for her. She knows how I feel, and she knows she can have me.

 

I also need advice on what to do when we get back from the trip, I need some sort of decision, b/c being strung along is killing me. thereforeeee, my options I'm thinking is forcing her to talk to me about us (which will likely push her away), buying a ring and proposing (and hoping she says yes), or just flat out ignoring her (in which case she is so stubborn that she will assume I'm over her and will rule out us I know). She has put me between a rock and a hard place, she strings me along just enough to let me know she still has all those feelings for me, yet everything is about her right now. So do I demand a full heartfelt talk? buy her a ring? or start NC when we get back?

 

One other comment, she gets mad and angry when I bring up my feelings. She says part of the reason she sometimes doesn't call me is b/c she doesn't want to be upset and have this "talk" everytime. Yet we don't ever have the talk, I bring it up, she ignores it, and thinks we are talkign about it. If she just has the talk ONCE with me, then I wouldn't bring it up all the time. Not knowing what is going on, the status etc, I don't know what to do?

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Satch]

Buddy,

 

You are in an extremely difficult situation. I wouldn't want to be in your situation....wait a minute, I am in a similar one...

 

My initial thoughts on your three suggestions are:

 

Forcing her to talk - yes, this could drive her away further and possibly for good. You need to weigh up the possibility of this happening before you choose this option.

 

Proposing to her - this is just like the movies, and we all know that the movies are not real. I wouldn't chose this option just yet...

 

Ignoring her/NC - I too share in your feelings that this approach may send the wrong signals to your ex. I've been on NC with my ex for 9 days now, and our last 3 contacts before that were phone calls from her. I am continually wondering if she is still thinking about me, or if she thinks I am moving on and not interested in her anymore. Maybe she wants me to fight for her to prove my love, but how will I ever know???

 

Just the fact that she is still spending time with you must be a positive. As all the getting back together strategies suggest (I hate calling them strategies - it makes them sound so manipulative), be yourself when around her, and show her the person she first fell in love with. Be confident and independent. Show her the changes you have made without telling her. Some women can be fickle creatures (sorry ladies - I've been burnt by one, but I still love her none the less), and their emotions can flip flop back and forth.

 

Remain positive, and determined, if your goal is to get her back. Fight for her man. But do it in a constructive way, not a destructive way.

 

If this works, please let me know. Tell me what you did so I can see if it works for me! No, seriously, please keep in touch and tell us how you get on.

 

Best of luck and take care.

[tiki]

im not an expert at this but i will tell you my opinion anywayz...

 

FIRST:

NO on the ring! A proposal should be based on strong feelings and logical decisions. Don't propose just to get her back. Im sure you love her but i have to agree that this is not a movie. A happy ending is not always the case in real life. Yah, maybe she does want you to "fight" for her, but dude, she doesn't even want to know how you feel.

 

SECOND:

The no contact rule might not work this time because wasn't she the one who wanted space and yet she's inviting you to places? She's playing games with you. I honestly think she's testing just how much to love her and how far you will go. Maybe you hurt her because she wanted you to be committed but you refused to show her the ring. I suggest that you give her time and space. Keep contact and show her that you are alwayz there for her. Try to be a friend. No benefits...set bounderies and let her know.

 

THIRD:

Dont force her to talk about your feelings. It's impossible to get any possitive results from that. I say try to aviod the topic...but if she starts talking about it, and getting all emotional...ask her to be fair to you.

If she wants you to know how she's feeling...she's gonna have to let you talk as well. If she's not willing to hear you out...then tell her you are left with no choice but to ask her to stop bringing it up.

 

It is a hard situation but im sure there's a way around the rock and the hard place. My best advice is for you to try to be her friend. Its pretty much the same as being in a realtionship with her...except the benefits are non-existent.

 

good luck man....let me know what happened.

 

"tiki"

[rich46]

It is a difficult situation, but one I can totally relate to!

 

You are being strung along and it is not fair on you. It is difficult because you could act as her friend and hope she changes her mind. My opinion on it though is that she won't realise she misses you if you see her every other day. You might win her back this way, but then again you might be hurt even more in a few months if she meets someone else and you have been strung along like this.

 

It is easy to say "just act like friends with her." I find this completely impossible to do at the moment because for 3 and a half years we have been boyfriend/girlfriend, how can you just be friends over night?

 

I certainly wouldn't buy her a ring though! That will surely scare her off even more! You just have to try and play it cool, but don't drop everything - if she says jump, don't say how high!

 

I would say, and I'm no expert, try and find the right balance between being her friend and giving her space. So if she wants to meet up one night, tell her you can't as you are going out with your friends, something like that.

 

Let us know how you get on.

 

Rich