I think its over for me

[Katheelynn]

I never ever thought I would experience this marriage ending. I think back and if ever there were 2 people that belonged, it was us. I guess I took it for advantage, but now its gone. Im trying very hard to get thru the grieving. Ive accepted the loss and let most of the anger go. Now I feel such sadness. Im 52 years old and facing my old age alone. I cant help but think maybe that is what is due me I know Im feeling sorry for myself, but I am trying to accept that I may not have a partner in my life. I miss the laughter, the company, the security. It happened so suddenly, I was not prepared. Honestly, I just dont think I can really love again like I want to. IM so sad. Its been over a year and IM making process, but I want to feel again. Im scared.

[elite867]

Katheelynn, my heart goes out to you. I can only imagine your heartache but I have a few things to say that you probably already know.

 

First of all, it is never to late to love. I used to say that you don't know if you are with the person you are meant to be until you are lying on your death bed togther. Despite how long you have been together, it wasn't meant to be.

 

Secondly, I always believed that if it wasn't meant to be, the man that is meant for you will be even greater.

 

Finally, I want to tell you that the greiving period takes as long as it takes. So it has taken you a year, it was a tremedous loss. Just try to stay strong and keep on treking, it will get better.

[Scout]

I am profoundly moved by your post. I can only imagine the grief you are experiencing, it indeed must be very painful. Life sure can throw us some unexpected curveballs, can't it?

 

Guess what - it can throw us some surprisingly joyful curveballs along the way, too! And your life is far from over.

 

The fact is, you are at the beginning of a brand new path in life that you never expected. You have no idea what is awaiting you - right now, you are thinking years of being alone and loneliness. My friend, there is so much more than that, it's just hard to see right now.

 

Love can come knocking at any time in our life - if our heart & mind is open for it. Success in many forms can appear too - if our eyes are open. It's hard to see right now, but you have power and strength you never imagined! Make it work for you - you will be astounded at the results.

 

Open up to all the possibilities that are there. Don't withdraw - live & embrace life, with every fiber in your being. Acknowledge your grief, don't push it down because it will fester into something even worse - permanent distrust and a bitterness towards everything. But know that there are so many adventures waiting for you.

 

Give yourself all the love you need right now. Treat yourself like royalty, focus on yourself (ironically, you may have not been able to do this in your marriage), and be your bestest, kindest friend.

 

And you are not alone. I'm sure you have friends and family, and now you have a new family at eNotalone. We're here for you, post away, and know that people genuninely care about you.

 

- Scout

[Katheelynn]

Another week has begun. The last week was not too bad, but Ive settled into a kind of secure rut..I got to work, come home and stay in my room and go to bes asap...again, I wake up and go to work...Im still not able to get back into any hobbies...nothing has any interest for me..I can say that the anger has somewhat subsided, but there still are no feelings...I admit there are moments of great sadness when I allow myself to think back..and the guilt is HUGE...but yet there is a small light trying to glow for independence...I just dont do well alone...I like having a partner, but now I dont think Im really capable of loving...I know I need to just concentrate on me getting well with me, but life is lonely with just me...Ive never done real good with ME and yet IM a loner...basically, I am a paradox walking around..my mind knows all the correct answers and my heart just wont accept it...I think I was born broken or missing a vial part in the relationship department...

[hardcore]

life is crule life is hard but what can we do but move on never dwell in the past for to long or you wind up like me. dont worry even i don't know what the hell im talking about :scramble:

[Katheelynn]

even tho I dont want to agree with you about life being cruel, I do have to say I feel as if I am being punished, only I cant be sure what I did wrong...I remember as a child that I never wanted to be a career person, other than a MOM...I have 2 birth children and 4 adopted children...what a trip this has been...Im 52 and Im raising a 16 year old and a 13 year old alone now...ok ok ok, I do think I know why I am being punished...I have been self-centered and spoiled...I wanted my own way...I thought it all revolved around me...and boy o boy, I have been shown the light...I now know my place in the running of things and I think its important to say that I accept it...I am seeing a man that does not pamper me at all...doesnt tell me I look nice...doesnt think of things that would please me...doesnt tell me how he feels about me...its NOT that he is cruel, he just doesnt show much...what a difference but I accept it...he is on disability and has a very very bad back...now I am the one that looks after him...I think Im suppose to be learning something and I accept it....between you and me, I miss having someone kinda do some little things cos of romance...Im so dramatic

[King_of_crunkness]

being 24 i thought hurt losing someone you thought was down with ya. i guess 52 would not only be frustrating and hurtful but be devistation. my heart goes out to you. just be patient with things stay busy and think about life as a light... ask god for strength and you will get through, it works! godbless....

[Katheelynn]

ty for your stopping by and posting your thoughts...there was a time I felt like you look...LOL...I guess I am making progress. It only hurts when I am awake now...I am trying to live with me now...lots and lots of guilt...something I am very very good at...this too will pass....

[Katheelynn]

ty for your stopping by and posting your thoughts...there was a time I felt like you look...LOL...I guess I am making progress. It only hurts when I am awake now...I am trying to live with me now...lots and lots of guilt...something I am very very good at...this too will pass....

[squarepeg]

Ive never done real good with ME and yet IM a loner...basically, I am a paradox walking around..my mind knows all the correct answers and my heart just wont accept it...I think I was born broken or missing a vial part in the relationship department

 

I have to say I relate to that quote so much. I'm also a loner but I hate being alone. The paradox is intolerable sometimes. You are not alone in this.

[Katheelynn]

wow.....that meant alot to me....ty for letting me know someone else understands the feeling I experience...its weird