Nothing seems to make sense....

[aftershock879]

Hello All,

 

New to this sort of stuff and just needed to know if anyone has been through the same situation as me?so this is a long one so I apologise

 

Myself and my ex g/f have been broken up a little over 2 weeks now after 9 months together but being involved longer.

 

It all started off as abit of fun but soon quickly turned into something more, it took us a while to get to where we are but I knew we were both happy, the one main issue is that we work for the same company so things are a little awkward at the moment, we don't work in the same office but I do still have to talk to her regarding work issues, so mostly keep that to email/phone, we did start off as friends first and became very close and there has always been chemistry between us but I could not act on it because I had g/f when I first joined the company, but when we broke up we became even closer and at a work party we got together, it didn't feel weird and after she joked that it had been coming awhile.

 

We carried on just meeting on the occasion and always ended up in bed and we would chat all the time about all sorts, but because of the way we both are none of us would ever bring up the subject of making things more serious, and me being a man I had no idea she had feelings for me at all, If I knew I would have thought differently about her.

We always had a policy of being honest with eachother as we are both straight talkers.

Anyway we called things off after about 6 months and then she would not talk to me for months and it made my work life hell, I did meet someone else after and started to date this girl but it didn't last long and I finished it.

Shortly after this she slowly started talking to me again and it felt so nice as I had really missed her, a couple of months later on a night out we ended up together again, no weird feelings it always felt so natural when we were together, and I had never been that comfortable with a woman before.

I had been in some pretty emotionally draining relationships and was wary of getting into anything too serious with anyone as I needed time to sort out my head, in this time the only woman I had any alliance to was her, we would spend time together go out on little trips, even though we weren't official I considered myself to be with her so did not even look at another woman.

As the new year was brought in we started spending more time together and getting to know eachother properly.

As she is so stubborn I knew that she would not bring up the relationship talk so eventually I brought it up and we made it exclusive, so from then on things were great, no arguments no games just us enjoying being a couple after all the waiting.

She has been single for about 7 years before me, I didn't ask much about her past unless she brought it up, I am a firm believer of the past should stay in the past.

 

What I do know is her last boyfriend did go off with one of her good friends. I do know that this hit her confidence very hard and she did not trust any man after that at all, hence her being single for so long, she became a recluse after this and did not do anything for a couple of years or so.

I seemed to make her relax and she opened up and took her barriers down. Throughout the relationship I have had to reassure her that I was happy and that everything is ok, she admitted a few times that being in a relationship is new to her again and that she had a 'not good enough' complex and was always worrying how she made me feel and if what we had was making me unhappy, she also felt uncomfortable when I paid for a meal, or bought her gifts, nothing too big just little things, as no one had really done this for her before me, it was like she thought I had an alterier motive for being nice, when I just liked treating her. In reality it was the happiest I had ever been with a woman, I fell in love with my best friend and her the same with me also.

 

We spent alot of time together a few nights a week and a full night and day at the weekend due to her working with her family, so things were great, always affectionate good sex life so that never wavered, and she used to send me on many occassions after a weekend with me that she was lucky to have me for putting up with her, I always told her that she was not lucky at all!

 

We spent alot of time together and I even got invited round to hers for xmas, for me this was a big deal as I hadn't spent it with another family since my mom passed away in about 10 years ago, I was also the first boyfriend that she had introduced to her parents, so I was a little honoured at the same time and they all made me feel so welcome like I was part of the family.

 

I didn't get to spend any time with her from boxing day so I didn't spend new years with her because she fell sick, which was fair enough, I did check up on her a few times to see how she was doing, you know doing the good boyfriend bit, but it sort of backfired on me and she thought I was being overwhelming as like alot of people wants to be left alone, but did she but did not tell me that, I just wanted to spend new years with her but found out on the day that I weren't going to see her, that really annoyed me and I sent a txt in anger and left it at that as all week as we talked she gave the impression that we were.

 

Anyway I called her a couple of days after new years and we had a clear the air talk as I was a little worried as we had never gone through anything like that, so I apologised for going off on one and she apologised for how she acted and everything seemed back on track.

 

A few days later when we spoke she sounded abit distant from me, so I asked her what was going on and she said that in the days after new years she said that she was not sure how she felt about me anymore.....this knocked me for six, as we had a great xmas and one small blip seemed to ruin everything....I asked if she wanted to break up and she said that she didn't but felt as though my feelings were stronger than hers for me, though she said she wasn't sure she was doing the right thing, I tried to talk to her about it, not begging, crying or anything like that just trying to be sensible about it, as she said she wants to put her doubts aside, I said I wished I could help her but this she had to do alone.

 

So I thought the best thing to do was to back off abit, so this went on for a couple of weeks of txts a few emails but generally not that much contact.

 

I had a couple of days off work and in that time we spoke she said the way that she was feeling now it would not be fair on my feelings if we carried on, she said that this was the best thing for now.

There is no one else involved as she owns a horse and dog and out of work has little time to do much 3 nights a week at the farm and one full day working on there and the rest of the time we spent together.

 

I think it has something to do with her past and what happened that is stopping her from taking the next step in a relationship through fear of getting hurt again or comitting to someone fully, it's like she knew at some point we would have to take the next step in our relationship some time soon.

 

So we broke up and I have made an effort not to contact her during work (unless work related) or outside even though I am missing her, I did start looking for a new job before xmas and got an offer to move on, it was only then that she made an effort to contact me asking about it....she thought I was moving on because of her, which I wasn't I was just looking for a new direction for my career, this is the first time I had any sort of emotion from her, as she is very strong headed and very stubborn she can put on a face at work like nothing is wrong and life is good, so we had a brief conversation on txt and it was like she was trying to put me off taking the new job, I didn't take it in the end because it didn't feel right for me. The txt's went on and she said how she hates herself for what she is done and she doesn't understand why she is doing it as before and during xmas she had never been happier with how her life was going.

 

I just said that it confuses me as none of this makes sense, I wouldn't never try change her mind if she is feeling unsure as why would I want to be with someone who is unsure of her feelings, I am not being heartless, but I really can't do anymore this is hurting too much, as I do love her.

 

So after she kept texting me I txt back and said 'what is it you actually want from me?!? we haven't talked in weeks and all of a sudden your interested' her reply was to be honest at the moment I don't know except I know I don't want you to disapear from my life.

This again annoyed the hell out of me so I just txt back 'whatever'.

 

She then called me and again was trying to put me off taking the new job, I just explained calmly that it had nothing to do with her for my motives for wanting to move on, just a fresh challenge.

For the first time she said that she missed me, and that it had been weird not talking, but all she can offer at the moment is friendship this I def do not want as we have always been more, I asked why nothing was ever final and everything was at the moment,right now etc....she just said she can't explain what has changed and has had a few 'dark days', that she has panicked a few times about what she had done and is not completeley sure if what she has done is the right thing as us breaking up seemed like the only thing to do. The easiest thing for her to do was just to run away from the problem, I just said I don't know why you always do that when things get a little difficult and you just run away!

She said maybe she has over thought things too much and put the idea in her head like it is the best thing for now.

Maybe I pushed her into making a decision but I don't like being left in limbo, I certainly didn't want to push her away, which maybe I did.

 

I know when I have broken up before I have always been 110% that I was doing it for the right reasons no doubts,panic attacks or over analysing, can women get that worked up about something that it will make them act out in an earritc way?, fight or flight effect?

 

Everything seems like it is a mixed signal, she is in her 30's so is not a teenager, but then has been alone so long she really doesn't seem to know how to act/react in a serious relationship, we always took things really slow for this fact.

 

I don't know what to do, I have to see her every day and it doesn't get easier, I am not ignoring her on any terms but just think distance is the best thing at the moment, but now I am asking questions of myself and how she has been, just putting her guard back up and shutting off, I do love her and want things to work but I am at a loss of what I can possibly do without pushing her away more....its like fight or flight and she chose flight because it's easier.

 

I would have found it so much easier if she just told me that it was over full stop and nothing else was said...which complicates things even more.

 

People that are close to the both of us have told me that they can't even work out why as she was saying how great things were, then all of a sudden change at a drop of a hat, has anyone been through anything similar?

 

I know women can be complicated and can over analyse things to the extreme as men can too, but for the fact she said that she wouldn't have even thought about how she feels if what happened over NYE never happened, but the thing is nothing really happened all I did was be a concerned boyfriend when she was poorly,I sent her a few txts asking how she was is all.

 

I know she was happy before all this as we talked in xmas eve about how nice it would be to spend time together and talked about the future getting a house one day etc....we were very affectionate and had a healthy love life right up until the end.

 

why think like this after 9 months in a solid stable relationship where both parties were happy, if this was not the case I would have known if she wasn't happy as we wouldn't have spent that much time together before hand and def not been invited for xmas a couple of weeks before.

 

Any opinions on this situation?it is all very confusing and trying to work it out is like trying to do a rubix cube wearing oven mitts

 

Thanks in advance

[LarsWB]

None of it is going to make sense. That's a fact. You're going to be confused, hurting, lost, and angry. That's the nature of these sort of things...there's no quick fix, magic pill, cure, nothing....there's no way to explain it...there's no way to know what another person is thinking or feeling.

Confusing? You bet it is.

 

You have to ask yourself one question; What do I want? What is it exactly that YOU want?

Do you want to reconcile, do you want to move on and heal your heart, find love again...or do you want to continue being jerked back and forth...healing then hurting, confused all the time, given false hope and missing out on moments of your life? If you want her back but she's hesitant, doesn't want to be with you...well, you have to accept that and respect that. You can't control another person's feelings, actions, or emotions...only your own, and only your reactions to her.

Depending on your answer, that will set your course. Moving on, wanting to heal, wanting the pain and false hope to stop...you'll need to go full blown NC and be as firm with it as possible...no matter how much it hurts and how much she tries to contact you. Stick with it at all costs, especially while she's confused and jerking your emotions around. That will help you heal and move on - in time. That will help her also heal and move on also. It will help her decide what she wants.

That's what I recommend. NC. Let enough time pass for you both to get your heads screwed back on straight...to think and decide, to work through your OWN feelings.

Then, someday in the future, who knows what may happen...but don't give yourself false hope based on what she does and says. She's reaching back to see if the safety net is there. I know, it happened to me.

Think of it this way....if she wanted to be with you, if you two were meant to be together - then you'd be together. YOU worry about, and work on, your own healing. Don't let her pull at your heart strings and drag this on needlessly...life is just waaay too short. Keep posting, keep reading, be proactive in your own healing. Control your reactions to her actions. Stick with NC!

Good luck to you.

[aftershock879]

It is just so strange and makes it so much harder that we work together and I have to see her everyday, I haven't made any contact with her at all, even though sometimes I have really wanted too, the last contact was made by her. I know she is stubborn and is so good at putting on a front.

I see the side to her no one else does and that's what seems to be missing, at work she is like teflon nothing phases her.

I know that she is hurting over this too but won't let it show on her face not to me anyway, she is a private person when it comes to emotions.

I have accepted the fact that we are over and just getting on with my life and like you said, if she wants me then she will let me know but if that does or doesn't happen it might be too late.

I do want to make things work with her, a week ago all she had to do is apologise and say she was being stupid and all would be forgiven, now I feel she would have to make a massive effort to convince me or lose me forever.

I don't want to feel like this anymore, I will be ok will just have to give it time until I sort out my emotions and what is going through my head, who knows I might not feel the same in the upcoming weeks months.

what you recommend as we work together and we all sit together at lunch too....

[confuseddotcom]

Mate, I feel your pain. Sounds a bit like my last relationship. LarsWB has nailed it. Don't let her yank you around. Mine did, even after we broke up. It got me nowhere and she didn't come back. She eventually left the company. Looking back at it now, a year later, i think to myself 'What the heck were you thinking!?'

[catfeeder]

I'll bet that being solo for so many years has set her in her ways and she feels easily suffocated. This can be especially true with trying to date someone at work. At the same time, the holidays and new year are difficult times for many people--it flips a switch. She may have gone into a funk of depression, which could be typical of her during this time of year, and when you contacted her about new year's eve it was at a 'perfect storm' combo of both of these problems.

 

That's not your fault.

 

None of this is your fault, actually. When you stayed out of contact and considered a new job, she was quick to respond. Problem is, she only worked that into a frustrating push-pull when she discovered you weren't leaving current job, and you were right to shut that down. Now that you're being more open to her at work, she's shutting you down (if I understood that correctly). So your best bet is to go back to No Contact unless you need to address her professionally, and when you do that, just be kind.

 

Give her time to figure out her own head, as she's the one who's messed up. You could be a casualty of something she goes through every December and January. You've made it clear that playing friendzies doesn't interest you, and that's good. If you can find another job, that could be your perfect escape away from the current problem, and it might even take some pressure out of her cooker with regard to viewing your relationship as something she must process during work hours in addition to her private life.

 

I'd back off and let her play out her own stuff in her own time and way. If she ever feels stable enough to pursue you again, you'll be the first to know. I certainly wouldn't pursue her.

[aftershock879]

I haven't pressured her at all,but alot of what she says doesn't add up,she does get stressed at Xmas and it was the first time she spent it with anyone else,it is hard seeing her at work though acting like it's not bothering her,I'm in 2 minds listen to my heart or head,I've listened to my head in the past and always regretted it so I'm stuck between a rock and hard place.

She is the person that has made the first contact since we broke up,I did want to meet up face to face but haven't done that which I think maybe we handled things wrong.

All this stuff like at the moment it feels like the best thing to do or I don't know what I want from you hurts,I have been and am the closet person to her at work and out of work,she doesn't see the few friends she still is in contact with out of work so most of her spare time was spent with me.

I do want things to work out but I'm working on myself in moving on as at the mo it feels like I have no choice.