Critique me!

[Airuis]

Hello, everybody. I'm sure you've seen topics like mine about a couple hundred times already, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway, because I'd appreciate some "professional" advice.

 

Almost a month ago, my girlfriend of eight months broke up with me. She basically said that the reasons for this were because she had become too "comfortable" in our relationship, that she had grown to depend on me too much, and that she no longer loved me as much as she did before.

 

I was very clingy during our relationship, without even realizing it. I used to get mad when she wanted to go out with her friends instead of me, I'd ask her to go out almost every night, and I'd get pissed at her when she'd do things that I disapproved of at the time (mostly drinking alcohol). Her resentment for me grew, and I could sense it. I would ask her if there was anything wrong, but she would always lie and tell me no; I suppose because she was afraid to confront me.

 

The breakup itself was a mess. I was in emotional shambles, and I begged her not to make that choice, which only reinforced her resolve to do it, I've come to realize. I talked with her over IM about two weeks after we broke up (she IMed me), and I told her how much I missed her and how much I'd still like to be with her (again, big mistake on my part). I asked her to see me so we could talk, and I convinced her to consider it. So a week went by without us talking at all (I intentionally stayed off of IM so I wouldn't run into her), and I sent her an e-mail (ugh) asking her if she wanted to hang out in a week, just to have some fun. She agreed, and I went out with her a few days ago. I thought this was okay, since I was feeling much better, and I thought that showing her that I didn't need her to be happy might get her to consider getting back together with me.

 

Of course, I only started reading about the "no contact" rule and other such tactics after I contacted her, so I saw the mistakes I made already. So I resolved to start applying those tactics from that point forward. So here's how our first in-person contact since the breakup went:

 

In the e-mail I sent her, I told her that I'd call her the day we were supposed to go out between 4-5 PM. Instead, I decided not to call her, and to see if she'd contact me to remind me of it. At about 7 PM, she called my cell phone, and left a message asking if we were still going to go out that night. I waited about ten minutes, then called her back, getting her voicemail. I left her a simple message asking her to call me back when she got that message. So about half an hour goes by, and she calls me back. I answer the phone, apologizing to her for not calling earlier, because I was "caught up" with something and forgot to call. She asked if we were still going out that night, and I said "sure."

 

So I picked her up at her house, and chatted with her mom and dad for awhile (they both adore me). I took her out to teach her some moves I'd learned in my kendo class (which I started taking shortly after she broke up with me), and she seemed to be having a lot of fun swinging the sword around and learning what I was teaching her.

 

Afterwards, she said she wanted to see a movie, and I refused, saying I didn't feel like seeing one that night (which is the opposite of what I would've done when I was going out with her). Instead, I took her to a bookstore, we got some coffee, went around looking at books (we love books), and chatting. After the bookstore closed, we went to an arcade/bar/dance club/pool hall that was nearby. We played some arcade games for about half an hour, then shot pool for another hour or so. All this time, I made sure to smile a lot, and just enjoy the time I was spending, not putting any pressure on her or anything. We were laughing and joking around the whole time. It felt great.

 

Well, when we tried to leave the parking lot afterwards, I found out my car battery had died. So remembering an old trick about aspirin and batteries, we hiked over to a convenience store, bought some aspirin, and I placed it in the battery, starting up the car just fine. She was really impressed by this (hardly anyone seems to know this secret), and kept saying how cool it was.

 

Then I brought her back home, and told her there was a personality test that I'd found in a book that I wanted her to take. Since it was pretty late by that point (about 2 AM), I told her I would completely understand if she wanted to call it a night. But she thought about it for a little while, and said that she wouldn't mind staying up longer. So we went up to her room, and I showed her how to take the test, which she spent the next two hours reading about and taking. During this time, I fell asleep on her bed, and woke up occasionally to see her still reading. Occasionally, I saw her looking at me. Then I awoke to her poking me, and telling me that she had finished it. Then we talked about the test for a little while, and she suggested that we go outside and talk, since she was afraid we would wake somebody up with our chatter.

 

So we go outside to where my car is parked, and we sat down next to each other. The sun was coming up by that point, and she commented on how beautiful it looked. I agreed, and noticed that she seemed a little bit nervous. I reached over and gave her a quick hug, then told her that I was going to go. We stood up, and I gave her another hug. I squeezed her, and then something happened. She started to fall into me more, and didn't pull away. She squeezed me tight, and I could hear her sniffling. She was crying. I managed to hold back my own tears, and pulled her closer, telling her that it was okay. We stayed like that for about 15-20 minutes, just standing out there hugging each other. I told her that I didn't have any bad feelings toward her for the decision she made (which I don't), and that I was there for her if she needed someone. So I finally broke our embrace, smiled at her, looked her in the eyes, kissed her on the forehead, and told her next time to call me and ask me out. She said she would, and I got into my car. I noticed that she lingered at the front gate of her house, watching me (probably making sure my car would start okay), which made me smile. So I drove away, and that was that.

 

So, how was that? I guess it was a pretty amicable first contact, although I should've been more in control of myself near the end. I couldn't help it though; I love her dearly, and I knew this was hurting her as well.

 

Anyway, any advice or comments would be appreciated.

[Beec]

Well, I loved it, until the personality test. At 2:00 a.m. I would have hugged her kissed her forehead and left. You would like to leave them wanting more. When you talk, you end the conversation. When you see her, make sure you don't stay too long, etc. But . . . what you did seems to have had created the desired reaction. And the later stuff does not seem to have had any bad affect. Bravo. Now sit tight for a while.

[skynet74]

Well you started with

 

 

Almost a month ago, my girlfriend of eight months broke up with me. She basically said that the reasons for this were because she had become too "comfortable" in our relationship, that she had grown to depend on me too much, and that she no longer loved me as much as she did before.

 

THEN YOU ENDED WITH

 

I reached over and gave her a quick hug, then told her that I was going to go. We stood up, and I gave her another hug. I squeezed her, and then something happened. She started to fall into me more, and didn't pull away. We stayed like that for about 15-20 minutes, just standing out there hugging each other.

 

 

I would say it went really well for some chick that broke up with you and told you she no longer loved you as much as before. I can't think of one think you did wrong if it got that reaction. Just keep on doing whatever it is you are doing. Sounds like it works to me!

 

 

 

John

[Airuis]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. That encourages me a lot. Waiting is by far the hardest part of this process, but if that's what it takes, I'm going to do it.

 

I feel like I need to come up with a game plan. Is it really just as simple as playing it cool and aloof? It's probably just as important to be as unpredictable as possible, to show that I can still surprise her.

 

Are there any other hints or bits of wisdom that anyone can give me on winning her back?

[Airuis]

Okay, she called me a week ago, and we're going to go out for the second time since we broke up. I was thinking this time, after doing something fun of course, that I'd explain to her what I think happened in our relationship that killed it. I'd also like to tell her how much I learned from this experience. It's probably too early to ask her for another try, though, right? I just mostly want to get her thinking about this more than anything else.

 

From my point of view, if we did get back together, it would be like starting from square one, like when we first started dating.

 

Can anyone offer me any other pieces of advice or ideas on how to go about prompting her to think about these things?

[Beec]

Well, I would not ever ask her for another chance. Instead, I think you should work on making her want another chance. Make her feel special, be aloof, and see how it goes.

[Airuis]

I need to partake of your wisdom once again. ;-) Things went pretty well...I told her everything that went wrong with the relationship, and she understood and agreed with me. I put my arm around her, and we held each other's hands for awhile. Ended up staying out all night looking at the stars, and she slept over, me on the floor and her in my bed. Then we went to school together the next morning, which is about an hour away.

 

I had told her before all of this happened that I would be willing to take her to school on the days she has it, since her schedule meshes with mine perfectly. Her alternative is a three-hour bus ride, since her car is busted and there's no way she's going to have the money to fix it anytime soon. My question is: can I use this to my advantage?

[Beec]

Of course you can use the drive to school to your advantage. Any contact with her can be used to your advantage. How is the big question.

[rnorth]

Don't mention what went wrong in the relationship. Just continue to work on your end of things and if you are really serious about making yourself stronger, she will notice.

 

Just have fun and keep things light hearted. It sounds promising, but be prepared in case she pulls back a little. Be okay with that if she does. If you handle it well, she will come to you.

 

She wants to see you be more independent so that would be a chance to show her you are.

[Beec]

Don't mention what went wrong in the relationship. Just continue to work on your end of things and if you are really serious about making yourself stronger, she will notice.

 

Just have fun and keep things light hearted. It sounds promising, but be prepared in case she pulls back a little. Be okay with that if she does. If you handle it well, she will come to you.

 

She wants to see you be more independent so that would be a chance to show her you are.

 

That's pretty good advice.

[Airuis]

Yeah, that is good advice. I'm trying to keep things light-hearted and fun, but sometimes it's hard. There are so many things I want to say and do that I know I can't.

 

She's already started to pull away more. I definitely notice. It really hurts me to see her do that, and to tell you the truth, it kind of annoys me. She's so defensive now...at this point, I don't know if I even want to start again. I'm still willing to give it a try, but it doesn't look likely at this point. She feels like such a stranger to me ever since she's started to separate herself more.

 

But despite how much it hurts me to have her there almost every day, I don't want her to have to try to get down to school by herself, especially after I already told her that I would take her, and our schedules are so close together. Everytime I look into her eyes, it hurts, and it's hard to mask that kind of pain. Trying to act like I just don't care is almost impossible.

[Zipp]

You don't have to pretend that you don't care. But you should understand that winning someone over takes time. There will probably be days when you guys are close and days when one of you pulls away, just expect that. It sounds like things may work out for you, so just be patient and cautious just in case they don't work out.