Nixee Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I chatted briefly with my ex online this weekend, sorta unexpectedly. This is the ex who brought me to ENA over 3 years ago and this was the first time we talked "real time" (other than just a handful - maybe 3 or 4 - emails exchanged) in about 3-4 years. Just a little backstory on us (though our entire history is certainly posted here somewhere) - very intense relationship/connection, he used to call me "the love of his life", we were together for 7 years.. though at times it was tense and dramatic and we would part then get back together in the earlier days. In the last few years of our relationship however, we were fairly settled and lived together and I, as well as family assumed we were headed towards marriage. But issues apparently still remained, and as we were in a bit of a slump/lull, he met a co-worker and began an emotional affair with her... eventually leaving me for her.... then becoming engaged to her only about half a year later. They are now married. And I have since moved out of state. Obviously it took a lot of time and intense healing to get past this for me. Sadness, anger, feeling betrayed... disappointed. But for quite a long time now I can honestly say I am happy for him. I do not condone his method - I believe beginning a relationship with her while he was still with me was wrong, and certainly was cheating even though he didn't realize he was doing it... but I also believe he never meant to hurt me, and he has demonstrated even since then that he cares. But that brings us to today - While I have worked very hard to get past the past and accept things how they are, I finally feel comfortable, and therefore completely able to talk to my ex. I even miss him at times, just as a friend. I don't want him back. Its been years - I've had a number of other men in my life, and that thought is .... nowhere in my mind, not to mention literally thousands of miles away. Yet when I talked to him this weekend, he told me, "I have to consider how my wife feels/may feel about me talking to you." Which is something I have kinda heard from him in a past email, and also something I have heard from mutual friends - she is insecure about me, and does not wish him to speak to me. Ever since he said this to me, I have felt this little ball of hurt and even anger inside me - as though I spent so long healing, and even telling him that I wish him happiness and absolutely no ill will - only to know that from his camp - his wife cannot afford me the same trust. Or maybe it is that she does not trust him? I don't know what it is that just bothers me so much about this. Obviously I am capable of not talking to him (though I do care for him and miss telling him things at times that I know only he would get), but to know that I am outright banned when I have no bad intentions hurts. Afterall she was the one who stole him to begin with! Does she just assume my intentions are to do the same? I've never been the one who has done anything wrong, and I don't intend to. I don't want to disrespect anyone's marriage, but ultimatums like this feel as though they are disrespecting a friendship. And he IS allowed to be friends with other girls who are ex's, this much I know.... one even attended their wedding. Am I wrong to feel hurt like this? I feel as though in each time we've spoken in recent times he has chosen his words carefully to be very caring, yet always behind a line. It feels almost "fake"... like he is on a chain. Link to comment
DN Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 You are not wrong to feel lie this. Your feelings are your own and that is fine. But she is entitled to her feelings as well and the hard truth is that, since he is married to her, he is wise to defer to her feelings instead of yours. Few people are happy with their partner's being friends with an ex particularly when the relationship was not ended by mutual agreement. I don't think either of you are to be blamed in any way here - but for your own peace of mind I would advise that you move on and not talk to him any more. Link to comment
charity Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 sounds like he has grown up and learned from his mistakes. you should be proud. the experience of what he did to you has taught him that he never wants to do it to anyone again. marriage is not all smooth sailing and to introduce an old ex into his life now when the wife and he were the cause of your break up, well that may be uncomfortable. just respect his wise and considerate decision and let it go. Link to comment
ForumGuy Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 his wife cannot afford me the same trustI'm thinking the wife is insecure because your ex has talked favorably about you in the past to her and she "stole" him from you and a "little ball of hurt" sits in her as well. Something inside her is telling her, "if I can steal him, she may be able to steal him back". Link to comment
Destiny2112 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 I agree with ForumGuy, maybe his wife still sees you as some kind of "competitor", since you were with your ex for so many years and she knows there were strong feeling involved and maybe she is a jealous person?! Nixee, since your situation reminds me exactly of my own, can you give me any advice how to deal with the feeling of being rejected, be replaced, being dumped for someone else? That fact that my ex got engaged to his new gf within a few months of being with her, hurts me SO SO much, to me he said, he wasn't ready to get married and suddenly, with her everything is differen??! I don't get it... I can't get rid of the feeling that I wasn't good enough for him or blaming myself, since I can't stop the thought, that there must have been something I did wrong, to be treated like that??! I know, this doesn't belong in this thread, but maybe you can PM me, please??! Thanks xxx Link to comment
Nixee Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 Thank you all for your replies... I wish this wasn't running through my head, and I guess I hate to admit it can even still bother me. I truly do waffle back and forth between feeling fine with not talking to him at all -completely letting him go forever I suppose... to feeling like the whole thing just isn't right. Like... all those years ago - if only he had told me earlier that he had met her, or that he felt he wanted to break up, or he was unhappy.. if there wasn't a sense of betrayal, then there wouldn't now be such a sense of insecurity - and I would still have my best friend. Because at this point - so far down the line... all I care about is that we promised to always, ALWAYS be there for each other and now we aren't. Sounds super cheesy, but my mind flashed to the episode in "friends" where Ross was marrying that one girl who asked him to not have any contact with Rachel. Yes... this isn't a stupid TV show, and we aren't going to get together in the end, and I don't want it even - but we were important to each other on that level - so feeling blocked from contact... it hurts. It isn't that I don't understand it, or what she may be feeling - I guess it is that fundamentally I think you need to rely on trusting your partner, not forbidding them things. But... I guess it isn't my marriage.. And not my choice. Although it is and was my friendship, and still one I mourn, as I have never and may never have one like it. I'm thinking the wife is insecure because your ex has talked favorably about you in the past to her and she "stole" him from you and a "little ball of hurt" sits in her as well. Something inside her is telling her, "if I can steal him, she may be able to steal him back". This is possible. He has never said a bad word about me to me either, even to the point of expressing doubts to me while his relationship with her was new and our breakup was still fairly raw - but I thought that was pretty normal - though very painful and confusing to me. He did express to me one time when it all first happened and I was newly wounded and it was starting to feel like "them versus me" - the new couple and me the victim - that she was "also worried how I was doing". At the time I just snapped at him to tell her mind her own business or something, but looking back I'm certain it was a huge chunk of guilt. Ah memories... It is so odd... and sounds so weird really, but after all the hurt, and with all the pain and guilt and mistrust aside - a big part of me really does wish I could just let her know... its okay. I know he chose her. Whether it was bad timing with he and I, just how things were meant to be, whatever... I'm okay with it, and happy he is happy. That is what love is to me - caring for someone else's happiness above your own, and that is honestly how I feel. When he and I broke up - the very day we broke up - he looked right at me and told me that he still loved me. That loving me had never been a problem, but he felt we had other issues we weren't able to get beyond as a couple. Maybe he was right... maybe not, maybe we just needed more time. But he made his decision and he found a more suitable partner. It hurt me, but I am now at a place where I support him. ... Perhaps someday there will be more trust. I agree with ForumGuy, maybe his wife still sees you as some kind of "competitor", since you were with your ex for so many years and she knows there were strong feeling involved and maybe she is a jealous person?! Nixee, since your situation reminds me exactly of my own, can you give me any advice how to deal with the feeling of being rejected, be replaced, being dumped for someone else? That fact that my ex got engaged to his new gf within a few months of being with her, hurts me SO SO much, to me he said, he wasn't ready to get married and suddenly, with her everything is differen??! I don't get it... I can't get rid of the feeling that I wasn't good enough for him or blaming myself, since I can't stop the thought, that there must have been something I did wrong, to be treated like that??! I know, this doesn't belong in this thread, but maybe you can PM me, please??! Thanks xxx Destiny, I know you have been/are going through a very similar thing and I definitely feel deeply for you in your situation. Don't ever feel it has ANYTHING to do with you not being good enough - that simply isn't the case. I know that trap - that stage... I know every negative thought... but they are all wrong. I will be happy to PM you. Link to comment
Ms Darcy Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 It's not about you. It's about how she got him. She knows she did it "dirty" to get him and she's afraid you'll do it right back. Don't let it bother you. It's her problem. Link to comment
merce79 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 He is actually being a good guy by respecting her feelings..even though he left you for her. I think anyone in a relationship has a right to say i dont want contact if it bothers the person, except under extreme jealousy issues, then its wrong. Link to comment
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