Without a doubt, the hardest time of my life

[cruuk]

Yep, that says it all. For anyone who doesn't know my gf broke up with me 2 weeks ago from another country (she went there for the summer).

 

We had been together 3 years, and I thought it was going to be forever.

 

So she drops this bomb on me with hardly any emotion. Just I don't want this anymore, I don't feel the same way you do, you deserve someone who feels what you do. etc etc. Basically she just doesn't love me anymore I guess.

 

First couple of days I was completely shell shocked. I mean just stumbling around in a complete daze. She called a couple of times during that time to see if i was ok, and I basically did everything wrong.. begging, arguing, etc. I was a complete mess.

 

Anyways she didnt call much after that. 2 times in the last 2 weeks including today. I was really looking forward to talking to her, and I was trying not to mention anything about us, but I couldn't resist and asked if she had been thinking about me. About all she said to that was yea because she said in an email she would. Again, no emotion or feeling about it.

 

I was crushed once more.. (she had to go a few minutes and called back). I managed to regain composure when she called back and tried to have a decent conversation. Its tough because I can tell shes just so happy over there without me, and she wants nothing to do with "us" anymore. At the same time it feels good talking to her because shes my best friend and that doens't just go away no matter what has happened.

 

She will be spending a couple of days here when she gets back to the country and wants to spend some time together, so thats good, if nothing else just to be around her, but then shes gone and may not even live here.

 

I really love her. I honestly think NC would not work because we started as friends talking all the time and I can think of no better way to make her more comfortable around me again.

 

I feel like ive been in a depressed, negative state for over a year and im sure thats whats driven us apart. Constant fighting about everything just because im in a bad mood, etc. Little do you realize what you are doing until something like this happens and you can see clearly. I realize now that she was always trying to make me feel better and I would always lash out at her. Too bad it is most likely too late. I really wish I could have the last year back knowing what I know now.

 

Anyways I just feel crappy and wanted to vent. If anyone has any words of wisdom that would be great.

[evepm]

cruuk

 

First, you didn't do anything wrong when you begged etc. it was the way you felt and you did recognize that it wasn't going to bring her back to you.

 

I really sympathize with your situation. It's so difficult when you lose your partner and best friend. No contact might work for you because you need time to heal from the relationship and make the transition back to friendship with her. Although I caution you with attempting a friendship with her anytime in the near future. Right now everything is so raw and she has obviously moved on. I'm not sure that it would be in your best interest to have contact with her until you've made a life without her.

 

evepm

[auburnslp]

I'm sorry friend...we all are...trust me, we have been there, and we want no one in the world to be in this sad and lonely place, ever...

 

A couple points...

 

You are in week 2 or 3 of some very devastating, life-changing events. Number one, do not come down on yourself for the begging and all that-we have all done it, or almost all of us, right at the beginning. It is so very normal...

 

Number two...the loss of your best friend is at times harder even to deal with than the loss of your love, and lover. But, again, for all of us, it is just something we have to face. And as impossible as this sounds...you have to face it, and realize that there is another that will be your best friend. You have to face it at least for now, because she obviously needs time and space...she has the space due to the distance, but it seems like she needs time to do her own things, for whatever reasons-and now it is time for you, time for number three...

 

Number three...you have already mentioned that you think you know your fault in this, what you did to make it not work between you...don't dive into despair over it, don't fall prey to the "what if's"...instead, now is your time. Focus on you, focus on changing those things that made it not work, the issues within you. Discover why you have been in this depressed, sad state that you mentioned...and do whatever is necessary to change it. The difference in your own life will be immense...but also, there are two other reasons. Eventually, when you have done this, if your ex was to keep some sort of contact and see these changes in you, well, she will know that you are back to the man that she feel in love with in the first place, and that will be very attractive to her. No amount of begging and pleading and convincing will change her mind now-instead it will be her eventually seeing the change in you and wanting you back. Confidence and patience are key now. Regain yourself and your strength...you will be amazed...the other thing is that even if she never did come back, by doing this you will make yourself so attractive to others, you will open all kinds of doors down the road. Three positives from this, no negatives. I know it is so soon and I know how that feels, and I know that you most likely cannot even imagine life without this girl right now, that no one will ever match up...time and a new focus on you will help this friend...trust me...and one day not too far from now you will look back to today, and while you may still be sad, you will no longer just be brought to your knees. Trust me-I am there. And I never ever thought I would get here...it's been 3 months for me.

 

You mention seeing each other when she comes back for a few days-I will offer no advice, just wisdom. From my situation. I am in a place where I would have preferred no contact, but our sons are best friends. Each time I have to see her, each casual friendly chat, has been a setback to my healing. Now, as time has gone on, we have become somewhat close again, finally telling each other of our feelings still, now we know that we each still love the other. Nothing really has changed though, and I am able to stay strong in not letting my hopes get too high. I am living my own life. Like your situation, everything is her choice now. And the 99% chance is that she will eventually marry her ex husband again. They leave in two weeks on a vacation together in Cancun. So despite all the recent closeness, I stand strong and know that I need to stay emotionally separate, because if I don't, she will destroy me again, the day that I find out that she is to re-marry. So my point here is that if you do see her, be careful. If you talk to her, be careful. Nothing wrong with hope, as long as it doesn't consume you and prevent the healing from taking it's natural course. Because if it doesn't start, you will never be able to do the things you need to do right now...which is to take care of yourself and work on the things that you can control right now-yourself. So just be careful. Start to separate, start to allow your mind to take some control from your heart.

 

Guess that's all. Friend, I do feel for you now. Lord it is just awful. My relationship lasted three years as well, and I was blind-sided just as hard as you were...it's awful, and I am sorry. Just know this-right now is the worst of it all, and it will only get better, slowly but surely. Keep us posted...Michael

[cruuk]

Thank you for the advice.

 

It is hard to talk to her, but at the same time it helps me. I know she wants nothing to do with us right now so I have to focus on keeping conversations away from that and not thinking about it myself.

 

And I do have hope for our future, but at the same time I fully acknowledge that any relationship we may have will in essense be a completely new one, and it has to be treated as such. I also have to realize that there may never be anything more between us but friendship and that is truly hard.

 

This forum has been a godsent really, I only wish things would work out for more of us, as it seems there are a lot of really decent people on here.

[auburnslp]

you are right about that brother...there are a lot of decent people on here, and you know what logic dictates? that there are the same amount then of blind and selfish people out there...and one day down the road, those people will realize what they gave up in us, and will live to regret it...and you know what else??? That is their problem, and not ours...

 

Life goes on brother, it always has and will...Michael

[leftalone]

Cruuk, I just want you to know that we all feel for you. Reading your post made me cringe, remembering those first few weeks after he broke up with me (together 2 years). And like you, HE chased ME, even when I moved accross country we did long distance for awhile, and then he moved here to NY to be together. Next week will be four months, and there were weeks at first where if anyone even mentioned a future point in time, even in conversation, like "oh I can't wait for my trip in July" or something equally casual, I would almost lose my mind, realizing that would be a future point in time without him...i just couldn't see that far, the pain was so intense and so crippling.

 

I am so, so, so sorry you are where you are right now - I wish I could flash you forward about two or three months, the point when things very, very slowly started to look up for me...I wish I could say that the two or three first months was a valuable time, learning experience, yada yada yada, but really it was just so painful that I just kept putting one foot in front of the other just to get through each day, without trying to take any wisdom from well-meaning people around me.

 

You're so right about the best friend part - it's perhaps the worst right away, because after a few years with someone the romance is often and wonderful, but hte friendship, buddy system of being part of a team is what you really miss right away.

 

Look, all I can tell you is that it really really will get better - right now, there is nothing you can do, and that includes kicking yourself or having regrets about your own behavior thinking it was your fault she quit out on you guys. You can work on becoming the version of you you liked best before you say you got into a moody slump for awhile; be healthy, enjoy the summer, take deep breaths. Just get through the day, and post and vent here to your heart's content - it's such a godsend, i wish I had found this site when I was in your stage. We're here for you, just keep going...

[cruuk]

I've talked to her a few times the last few days and it seems shes 100% not even thinking about me as anything but a friend. It hurts so bad. I cant resist asking her if theres any chance for us in the future.. of course thats a bad thing to do. I also find myself automatically calling her pet names still.. without even thinking.

 

All of this obviously makes her uncomfortable. I just cant see how such a long time together can mean so little to her. I also know that if I dont stop doing these things she just wont call me anymore period.

 

IS THERE ANY CHANCE AT ALL FOR ME? God I just cant stop thinking about her. Do people who make this drastic of a change in their lives (shes acting totally different, very carefree about everything now) ever come back to the place they were? For the sake of my sanity I have to believe were meant to be together but there is absolutely no evidence of this in her voice and attitude..

 

I want her in my life but I know it will half kill me if she starts talking about other guys, etc.

 

I honestly believe shes my soulmate, how can that be so one sided?

[craigblitz]

Man...my heart just jumps out of my bod hearing this... I was there not so long ago. How can she be so different??? I ask that all the time. I think it is something are forcing to happeneds, eventually people will have to be real. Right now as she is gone let her act and do what she is doing. When she comes back home realality will sit back in and then asses the situation and see what happeneds. Please vent, yell scream, anything on here, we have all been there.

 

Good Luck

[cruuk]

I honestly don't know if she will be coming back. Shes already basically planned to go on a 1 or 2 month vacation when she gets back from overseas, and after that the only way shes coming back here is if she finds work here. (she doesnt really want to live here by the sounds of it)

 

Shes just so strange. I talk to her about things going on and she just doesnt seem interested. I try and show interest in her life but she doesnt seem to want to tell me much.

 

The woman ive spend my life with during the last 3 years has just changed.. I don't know her anymore.

[cruuk]

Well just as I was starting to give up hope, a ray of light has hit me. I don't know if it means anything yet but its definitely better than what I have been facing.

 

She called me today after 2 weeks without any form of contact.. Our last conversation wasn't great so I wasn't surprised. Anyway, she said she was feeling down and needed cheering up from someone who actually cared.. that made me feel pretty good by itself.

 

Anyways we talked for a bit, I mentioned I had sent her an email (she doesnt check often) wishing her happy birthday, and she liked that. Even seems like shes looking forward to seeing me when she gets back, although any talk of 'us' seems to be strictly off limits still, and I did not push anything.

 

definitely not out of the woods yet, but this feels a lot better than what I have been feeling, thats for sure.