My g/f is great to me but

[Cecelius]

I occasionally give out harsh advice, possibly motivated by time spent on the DJ forum, but I find myself writing this post seeking advice on the following:

 

We've been together about a year (starting slowly) though part of that she was breaking up with her ex-b/f. She's 29 and I am 31

 

My g/f is great to me: even after all this time she still busts her behind to see me and wants to spend huge amounts of time together. She wants to meet my kids from my past marriage, she wants to get involved with them. We separately make a lot of money but she'd have no problem if we were married and "her" money ended up in part affecting them. We have a great time in our intimate moments and she has a good appetite for it (often almost as big as mine).

 

Here's my problem: she is getting ansy that I haven't introduced her to my kids and that we are not moving forward as fast as she wants.

 

The issue for me? My g/f has cheated on every b/f she's ever had up to and including the last one (I was the person she was cheating with). Some of these were nice guys too and really loved her (I am not in that category -- I am a reformed jerk). Its been ONS, hook ups, mini-weekend flings (say about 12 people over the course of 2 relationships). A majority of her sex partners were while cheating. On the other hand, she has not slept with very many people for her age.

 

I haven't had to face this in terms of a committment yet because I've always made it pretty clear that I have a low tolerance for BS -- if she does something I think is shady, we're done, and she knows it.

 

So I can't envision introducing her to my kids since I am almost positive that something is going to happen in the future that I would break up with her over. The odds are too low for me that she can go from serial cheating to outright love, honor and committment.

 

I realize writing this basically answers itself and its just putting it down that makes it useful. No one here knows her well enough to say whether she is now trustworthy or otherwise, and only I know my risk tolerance and how our relationship is... but I just felt the need to put it down.

[OceanEyes]

I can totally see why you would be worried, and you have a good darn right to be!

 

Now the thing you have to remember is: you knew the terms of your 'relationship' when you first started dating. You took her on while you knew she had a boyfriend. So in saying that, you sort of accepted her ways back then, and to punish her for them now wouldn't be justified. Or would it? I understand where you're coming from, and although you probably feel like you shouldn't care or shouldn't be as concerned, you are. And I've been there.

 

However, doesn't she have a right to wonder about you returning to your old ways? Flings and such? If she knows what a player you used to be, there's a good chance that she probably has some issues with that too.

 

One of my girlfriends was the same way as yours. She's had about 6 or 7 boyfriends, all of whom she's cheated on - except for her current boyfriend. When she met him, she was instantly taken with him and everything about him, been dating him a year now (very long for her) and she's still as in love with him now as when they met. Sometimes all it takes is the 'right person' to settle down and be satisfied.

[Cecelius]

Hey, I appreciate it. My issue is basically that everything in relationships has some element of chance, its just that moving too far with this girl seems too fraught with peril (not only has she been a cheater, but she wasn't very good at keeping it anonymous -- a lot of them were friends or things like that). It's come to a head because she wants to know when I am going to introduce her to the rest of my life -- and the answer is, when I'm sure she's not going to do anything stupid.

[Scout]

You know, if you didn't have kids, I'd say...sure, take a chance, maybe by some miracle this chick won't end up cheating on you. But your intuition knows otherwise, or else you would have introduced her to your children by now. And it sounds like you care about your kids a great deal, or you wouldn't even be having these reservations. My advice? Disengage from this relationship.

[sunnyp]

Hi Cecelus,

I read your post and I have a tear or two in my eye. It is very hard to commit to some one like this! You have every right to feel the way you. I agree with every one who has answered your post. Scout knows what he is saying as well is more than likely true about instincts. Ocean has it pegged well.

You say you're a reformed jerk. AWWWWWW don't be so hard on you. When people are jerks, generally they have been mistreated and become that way. Most often they don't realize it until way late in their lives. You're lucky to be so young and be able to put this being a jerk thing into perspective. I have been a jerk almost all of my life. Due to being mistreated by my boyfriends and ex husbands. I would get even. Always with out a doubt. I now am working on changing the jerk in me. It is dam hard I tell you.

When I found I was with someone who I really cared for I didn't really give it too much thought. Later on I did this think of letting my kids vote. That's right. I would let the guy hang around for a bit after about 3 months my kids would sit me down and vote on if the guy stayed or not. I didn't want them to live with a step dad they hated is why I did this. I listened to them every time for the exception of once. I made a grave mistake in not listening to my kids. At this time they were ages 13,12 and 5. My life became a mess.

This man ruined my life. He was abusive, a cheater and he beat my kids along with me. He ended up spending 5 years in the pen for aggravated battery on me. My relationships with especially my grown son's are not going very well.

I say let the kids know her. They will be able to tell you if she's good or evil. Believe me kids don't lie about these issues. I would how ever keep a very close eye on her while she is around the kids to see how she reacts to them and visa versa.

Usually our intuition, which is a gut feeling, is generally right.

Sunny

[RayKay]

I definitely feel for you here Cecelius - not a personal story...but one related to my ex.

 

A year or so before he met me, he started dating a girl with a very questionable relationship history - she had cheated on pretty much ALL her boyfriends, with her male "friends" and had a pretty high "number" given her age at the time (20/21). My ex was very hesitant at first about being with her as he found this history, but also did not listen to warnings or his gut - as he fell for her. Still, he did have doubts about one of her male friends, yet somehow overcame it. Though he DID tell her that her friend was out for more, she denied it all the time.

 

5 months later, she went camping with a few people, including her "friend"

To sum it up, they fooled around. She returned from trip and ex and her met up and were having a good time. And I am not sure how it came up, but he said he trusted her and she would never do anything like that...she said "well, actually"...and it came out. They broke up, tried getting back together a week later, and he dumped her a month after that as he felt she had no shame and he was the one that was doing all the work anyway.

 

So he was tremendously hurt as he had fallen for her, and also he felt he had betrayed HIMSELF as he did not listen to his head. Now he knows that she was not the one and everything, and really would not care if he never talked to her again, but he did have a lot of trust issues. We met only months later, and he still had those issues, and that baggage from her. It definitely harmed us. He had prior to that been in a position where he wanted to settle down - alas, that event set him right back again and while he did realize over time I am very very trustworthy, it did hurt us, and now he has fears of failure/abandonment, being able to do it "forever" and so on...and that is why we are now "broken up". He knows he loves me, but he is afraid to be so vulnerable again and to truly fall right into something so serious right now. I think he knows some of his issues are from this, and admits she is the reason for his current need to be free attitude, but I don't know if he realizes or admits to himself HOW much it hurt him.

 

Now this girl....she had told him he should trust her, and she was changed. She is now "engaged" to a guy in Europe she met, however when they are apart they have an "open arrangement" and she seems to take advantage of that.

 

So...really, all I am trying to say is follow your gut. She may have changed and she may very well be loyal forever, but be careful.

[Cecelius]

I appreciate the thoughts. Basically, I am fine with continuing as a couple, but on the light side -- I don't really want to find anything new since I am having a good time but I'm not interested, and at this point not likely, to be head over heels or permanently emotionally committed to her since putting a lot of trust in her is not a wise move.

 

I just think I need to dump her out of fairness to her: she wants to get permanently hitched or at least far along the way to it. I am really just not there with her.

[jessijess]

Just a little food for thought.....

If you can be a "reformed jerk", then why can't she be a "reformed cheater"? Everyone deserves a second chance. And if she's been able to stay faithful for a year, then she's already on the road to proving herself

[Cecelius]

Just a little food for thought.....

If you can be a "reformed jerk", then why can't she be a "reformed cheater"? Everyone deserves a second chance. And if she's been able to stay faithful for a year, then she's already on the road to proving herself

 

I agree that everyone needs a second chance -- what I meant about me was that I am or have been somewhat aloof, occasionally obnoxious in my youth -- an angry young man who wasn't as nice as I could have been. I agree that she may be "reformed" and usually people say to balance what you feel with your gut about the future; for me, the chance that she may/will screw up and based on her not too distant past essentially is keeping me from feeling too strongly for her. And, at her age, I don't feel it appropriate to continue on with her if I don't see it going anywhere -- she pretty clearly wants to settle down and is looking for that kind of thing. I wouldn't be opposed to it but I just don't see it with her.

[Cecelius]

I've decided to break up with her. Because the odds, no matter how in love and dedicated she seems to be, are that she will so something in the future that requires me to break up with her (cheating or close to it), I don't see any reason to keep going now.