My girlfriend is my best friend but we don't have a spark

[bpm103]

I have been with her for 3 years and love her to death. We live together and she has a daughter whom I love very much. I am 33. The problem is that I constantly am thinking about other women. I am not sexually interested in her and we never had the time early in the relationship when the sex was non-sop and exciting. Things just kind of developed. Sex improved and regressed periodically but intimacy was never consistent. I was unfaithful and told her... she took me back and we worked through things. I do not want to do that to her again and have not since.

 

She is without question my best friend. I love her.. but my mind is constantly racked with thoughts of being single, being with other women, and the thought that it's just not right... not the right time, not the right girl at the right time, etc.

 

I fear that I will regret it and go back if I end it. I have done that to her before and that is not fair. I feel horrible for playing yo-yo with her feelings. I feel horrible for not giving her the love and attention she deserves.

 

All of my other girlfirneds have been a bit crazy.. at least the ones I was really into... I don't want to be constantly caught up with dramatic * * * * * es. I want a good, trustworthy, family oriented girl... but I want to be excited. I want to want to hace sex with my girlfriend. I want to want to experiment and travel, and do wonderful things... she just doesn't give me the thrills. I know it's about being with your best friend... looks, sex, etc... all of it wears off in time.

 

thanks for reading. not sure what I am going to do but I pretty much have already told her how Im feeling so Im thinking it's inevitable that we split.

[SapphireNoir10]

Unfortunatley in life you can't have everything. You seem to want a lot from who your with, family orientated, good in bed, ready for adventure etc. You want excitement and fun in a commited relationship. But, unfortunatley, all relationships that last a long time go through ups and downs. Sometiems they are exciting and the sex is great, sometimes not.

 

BUT if you know what you want in life, and shes not it, the kindest thing to do is to end it. So she can find someone whose right for her, and you can find someone right for you.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

You clearly do not "love her to death" because if you did you wouldn't be looking at other women. Sounds to me like you are not attracted to solid, reliable women and that you are attracted to the bad girls. I would suggest you end this relationship because I am sure you have hurt this woman enough. The kind of women who excite you are a dime a dozen..the kind of woman you just put through the ringer is very hard to find. It is too bad you don't really find that kind of woman sexually and romantically appealing but I am sure there are other men who would. So let her go so you can both move on and find a more compatible partner.

[pennyloafer2]

You clearly do not "love her to death" because if you did you wouldn't be looking at other women. Sounds to me like you are not attracted to solid, reliable women and that you are attracted to the bad girls. I would suggest you end this relationship because I am sure you have hurt this woman enough. The kind of women who excite you are a dime a dozen..the kind of woman you just put through the ringer is very hard to find. It is too bad you don't really find that kind of woman sexually and romantically appealing but I am sure there are other men who would. So let her go so you can both move on and find a more compatible partner.

 

That's not really fair. He just knows what he wants, and this woman is clearly not sexually compatible with him. That's not HIS fault for wanting something else.

 

If she's not everything you want, you should split up quickly and try to be kind. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be single. Go for what you want, but don't play yo-yo with her feelings. Once you leave, you leave for good.

[bpm103]

That's not really fair. He just knows what he wants, and this woman is clearly not sexually compatible with him. That's not HIS fault for wanting something else.

 

Thank you for saying that.

 

And thanks for the feedback.

[bpm103]

Has anyone gone through a breakup like this? Where you had very strong feelings and live for someone but just felt like there was something missing? To add a bit more, small nuances have become amplified. I really am unmotivated to do anything with her family or friends.. I get annoyed listening to her talk.. I know in a few weeks I am going to miss her terriblybut it just doesn't feel right. The.love is.there but someting is.not.

 

Anyone experience something similar?

[pennyloafer2]

Yes, I did about 5 months ago. I was with him for 3 years and I loved him to death, actually part of me still loves him, but I would never want to be with him again. Quite simply he was not as into sex as I was. There were also other factors, little things started getting annoying. When you aren't sexually compatible, the little stuff starts to bug you. I know it's not what most experts would say, but sex can make or break a romantic relationship.

 

I ended it - it was really difficult.

 

I found someone new - who is much better in bed, much more interesting, but its a new relationship and it has its own difficulties. No relationship is perfect. I'd rather have an argument/issue from time to time than be bored and irritated. I'm not saying my new relationship is perfect nor do I know if it will last. I just know i'm glad I ended my old one and looked around, and found someone that better matched what I want in a partner.

[bpm103]

Thanks penny. Now I just have to stick to it. This thread will be a good Terrence when times are tough I guess.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's not really fair. He just knows what he wants, and this woman is clearly not sexually compatible with him. That's not HIS fault for wanting something else.

 

If she's not everything you want, you should split up quickly and try to be kind. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be single. Go for what you want, but don't play yo-yo with her feelings. Once you leave, you leave for good.

 

This is really not about sexual incompatibility...he is simply not excited by her..in fact, she may very well have been sexually compatible in the techincal sense but what makes a woman sexually exciting to the OP is drama and instability and constant walking on eggshells and having excitement. So it really isn't down to sex, it is down to the type of personality which gets the OP really aroused. The thing is none of those "exciting" relationships worked out either. They ended, despite all the exciting sex and perhaps the traveling the world with these more exciting but less grounded people. It sounds to me like the OP likes the excitement of newness but eventually, even with the most dramatic person, life settles down to the humdrum. It is unhappiness within a person which causes the person to look outwards for excitement and thrills. This issue with the OP goes beyond sex, it is an unhappiness within that is causing him to seek excitment from without..and yet those more exciting women make for unstable relationships.

[bpm103]

I see you point and I don't totally disagree. However, in this case I can truly say that there was never a sense of newness and excitement in this relationship. I always looked at the relationship as something I should desire instead of letting my heart guide me. Yes I had other relationships that had more drama and that could very well be the reason I continued to be interested but I also will say that for the first few months there was a ton of excitement and no drama. I have battled with this. I have spoken to a therapist. Tried medication.... etc. What it boils down to is that right now... she is not the one. Maybe I still need go grow and mature. I just feel like perhaps I need to do that on my own. I need to figure out what I truly value so I don't waffle in he future.... with her or anyone else.

 

Thanks for your reply!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

The question is, will you truly make it a point to be alone and work on your issues, or the minute you walk away from this relationship will you be running out and dating again to find a sexually thrilling person...in other words, not working on your issues at all.

[bpm103]

The question is, will you truly make it a point to be alone and work on your issues, or the minute you walk away from this relationship will you be running out and dating again to find a sexually thrilling person...in other words, not working on your issues at all.

 

That is the question. I hope I am strong enough to do what is right. Thanks again.

[bpm103]

Oh hell ... im already having second thoughts. Thinking about all of the wonderful things we shared. Trying to remember that for the past2 months I have been thinking about how I wasn't happy.

[Ms Darcy]

I have been with her for 3 years and love her to death. ... The problem is that I constantly am thinking about other women. I am not sexually interested in her and we never had the time early in the relationship when the sex was non-sop and exciting.

 

I feel horrible for playing yo-yo with her feelings. I feel horrible for not giving her the love and attention she deserves.

 

All of my other girlfirneds have been a bit crazy.. at least the ones I was really into... I don't want to be constantly caught up with dramatic ... I want a good, trustworthy, family oriented girl... but I want to be excited.

 

I want to want to experiment and travel, and do wonderful things... she just doesn't give me the thrills. I know it's about being with your best friend... looks, sex, etc... all of it wears off in time.

 

Ugh. I had an ex like this. Breaking up is all you can do.

 

You clearly do not "love her to death" because if you did you wouldn't be looking at other women. Sounds to me like you are not attracted to solid, reliable women and that you are attracted to the bad girls. I would suggest you end this relationship because I am sure you have hurt this woman enough. The kind of women who excite you are a dime a dozen..the kind of woman you just put through the ringer is very hard to find. It is too bad you don't really find that kind of woman sexually and romantically appealing but I am sure there are other men who would. So let her go so you can both move on and find a more compatible partner.

 

Stop the presses, but CAD is spot on in this entire thread. You are describing an inner failing. You are looking to her to give you something you don't have in yourself. Do you give her excitement, which in this case would be stability and faithfulness? Probably not. Leave her to find someone who is right for her, because you are not.

 

Has anyone gone through a breakup like this? Where you had very strong feelings and live for someone but just felt like there was something missing?

 

Yes. And what's missing is in you. You should go off, be single, get yourself some therapy, and find a better fit for you. She may be pretty similar to the girl you are with now.

 

...what makes a woman sexually exciting to the OP is drama and instability and constant walking on eggshells and having excitement. So it really isn't down to sex, it is down to the type of personality which gets the OP really aroused.

 

Agreed. And he's already cheated on her. He should just leave her alone.

 

Yes I had other relationships that had more drama and that could very well be the reason I continued to be interested but I also will say that for the first few months there was a ton of excitement and no drama. I have battled with this. I have spoken to a therapist. Tried medication.... etc. What it boils down to is that right now... she is not the one.

 

Then end it.

 

The question is, will you truly make it a point to be alone and work on your issues, or the minute you walk away from this relationship will you be running out and dating again to find a sexually thrilling person...in other words, not working on your issues at all.

 

Now, that's true. You run off to date without processing and I bet you'll still be single when your 40. I hope you take the time to improve yourself. Good luck!