Should I just end it?

[Ayreonfae]

There is some back story in a couple previous posts. But the main point now is that he says he doesn't know if he loves me anymore, at all. Also he doesn't know if he wants to fully commit to saving our marriage.

I told him to put on a happy face for the kids and the family for the holidays and that if he still feels that way then he should find some where else to live.

I HATE the idea of him leaving, I do not want to divorce him and split up our family (we have lil boys 6 and 4. I love him, I have tried not to and I can't seem to stop. But I am sick of giving and feeling used and taken advantage of.

This was Thursday night. He has put on his happy face well, I am even fooled, which just confuses and hurts me more. He says he doesn't know why he doesn't love me, he is depressed and still grieving the lost of his brother in July.

I have tried so much, followed all kinds of advice, compromised and just plain given in on so many points and lived in hurt, fear and pain for over a year now. I am concerned about what he is teaching our kids. I just do not know what to do.

He is a good man, he was a good husband once and progress has been made in small but noticeable amounts, but the one point I don't want to compromise on anymore he doesn't either and that has to do with a female he has had an emotional affair with. Other than that he is not mean, he spends time with me and the boys.

Should I be happy with what he is giving and not push it and not have the love or should I just leave.

I am so lost, scared, confused and just in pain all the time I do not know anything anymore. He keeps giving me hope then taking it away.

[gymratski]

Try not to be overly supportive.

If he is under as much stress as it sounds then being motherly or constantly walking on eggshells for him will just make him feel guilty for being a bit of a mess right now and no man wants to feel like that.

 

I think you should decide if he truly wants out or if he just needs space and encouragment that it will work.

If he truly wants out then - as sad as it is - let him leave.

There is not use in being with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

It will kill you slowly.

 

You know him better than I do, but I suggest you just try to be as normal and fun as you can and take the pressure off fixing things.

That in itself can get exhausting.

Let him make the decision.

 

Good luck!

update us.

[Daligal83]

Hey, I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this. Have you tried couples therapy? I know you said he doesn't want to work on the marriage, but if that option hasn't been tried yet I think it's worth exploring. Even if he won't go with you, you can go on your own. They will help you work on what your issues with the marriage are and how to deal with it. But if you go alone, they can't do anything about what he is doing. It's not the same as both of you going, but it's at least something and could help you figure out some of the questions you are asking here.

[catfeeder]

You're right to ask him to leave if he's not invested in working on the marriage right now. Separation is not a divorce, and I wouldn't treat it like one. But I would avoid contact with him except to deal with the kids--if he wants out, I'd shut him down unless and until he wants back in and will do the work. Some couples reconcile after a separation has taught them what living without the other is like. If he needs to shake out an emotional entanglement with another woman, I'd let him go do that--I wouldn't want him living with me and resenting me when he could go off and do what he feels he must. This would position him to make better decisions about the marriage that are not, in his mind, being imposed on him. He'll gain a perspective from the outside looking in, and this could help you.

 

Head high, and my heart goes out to you.

[Circe]

This is what being in an affair does, I think. It makes the person doing the cheating feel like they don't love their spouse anymore. Something they do/feel to justify their betrayal.

 

I think you should let him go .. and hope that he comes back soon when he realises what a fool he's being. Hopefully for him, by that time you'll still want him.