New to board; need source of comfort!

[kekep]

Hi, my name is Keely. My boyfriend of 3 years just broke up with me. At the beginning of summer, I was not 100% in our relationship. I went out with some friends one night and hooked up with another person. The next day, when I saw my boyfriend, I realized I had made a mistake and that I loved him. I told him what I had done and he was devastated. It took some time but we decided to continue on and to attempt to build the trust back. However, I went out this past weekend with a friend and he was so worried I would do something with another guy, he told me he could barely sleep. The next day, I assured him nothing had happened or would ever happen again, and he said he knows but he was going up to Baton Rouge to hang out with friends. On Sunday, when he returned, he called and said he had made out with another girl. I told him it was over, it had to be. Then I drove out to his house and threw a bag of stuff he had given me over the years at him, and told him I never wanted to see him again. He ran after me and tried to calm me down so we could talk. He told me he had never fully recovered from what I did to him earlier in the summer (I had done everything but slept with this guy). He also said he knew he had made a mistake, but that he felt like we needed to break-up for now. Well, the next day I called him and begged him to change his mind (just like the board said I shouldn't) and told him I loved him so much and that this was all a mistake. He told me he needed time and space to think, and that he still loved me, but he wasn't in love with me like he used to be. I felt like I was going insane, and I kept calling him yesterday (monday). This morning, when I woke up, I drove out to his house to talk to him (uninvited, ) and I could tell he wasn't psyched to see me. I told him I loved him and that I wished he wouldn't do this, but he said this is how it needs to be for awhile. So, I left. Now, I'm sitting here at work, and I know what I need to do. I just need to do the NC thing for awhile and give him some time. I feel like we can get the love back, it's just going to be awhile. In the meantime, I feel like I need to get back to figuring out who I am and spending time with friends and learning to love myself without him. I do love him, and we have had good times and bad, and I think he will even come to his senses. But I know that I truly need to give him the time and space to sort out his feelings. I'm going to contact him when I feel like I can do it without crying or bringing up our relationship. Also, I want to give him time to miss me. I think this will work. Anyway, that's my story.

[TrueHeart]

I think you have the right idea going on with you not talking to him. NC is a good thing, it gives both parties time to 'miss' eachother (persay) and to really reflect on themselves. Why he cheated on you too (even though it was only making out)-- sounded like he was using the whole "you did it, so can I" against you-- and also while him having the upperhand on you..

What you're doing is for the best... Just make sure you don't go over to his house uninvited though...

[Scout]

Don't beat yourself up about calling him repeatedly and going to see him - almost everybody does that right after the break up. But go into NC mode now. This guy still loves you, but his ego took a MAJOR hit when you cheated on him, and it will be a while before his anger really subsides. Wait for him to contact you, he will.

[Confused and hurt]

Hi Keely,

 

Basically I am in the same situation as you - minus the cheating stuff. Although I never cheated on my ex, I did really take his love and support for granted. I go away to school and when I got back at the beginning of the summer I felt left out from my friends, so I started spending alot of time going out with them and doing what they were doing. My ex was angry (understandably) especially since he came up to school to visit me every weekend and now that I was back he was expecting that I would want to spend alot of time with him. Anyhow, he got resentful that I wasn't putting 100% into the relationship and I became resentful att he fact that he was distancing himself from me. The breaking point came last month when I went away for the weekend with my friends and forgot out 2 year anniversary! (sad - but true!) Anyhow, I pleaded and begged for a second chance from him, but he says that he loces me but is not in love with me anymore and that even if we were to get back together, he cannot give 100% to the relationship at this point. He says he doesn't know what the future holds, but right now this is where he wants and needs to be I have been doing NC for 2 weeks....no phone calls. He did talk to me on Messenger last week just to ask how everything was going and that's it. I am so sad....I just want another chance to be the girlfriend I should have been.

 

Any thoughts?

[kekep]

Anyhow, I pleaded and begged for a second chance from him, but he says that he loces me but is not in love with me anymore and that even if we were to get back together, he cannot give 100% to the relationship at this point. He says he doesn't know what the future holds, but right now this is where he wants and needs to be I have been doing NC for 2 weeks....no phone calls. He did talk to me on Messenger last week just to ask how everything was going and that's it. I am so sad....I just want another chance to be the girlfriend I should have been.

 

Any thoughts?

 

Wow, this situation sounds EXACTLY like my current one. Except, it's only been two days since me and my boyfriend broke up. Yeah, at this point I still can't even call him my ex. Kinda sad, huh? Anyway, you need to stay strong honey. I think my own relationship is going to take a lot more work in order for it to get back to the way it used to be, with both of us being 100% committed to each other. However, in your case it sounds like he is starting to realize how much he misses you, and that he still loves you. The fact that he's iming you to see how you're doing is a good start, but you probably shouldn't jump to conclusions just yet. I say keep your cool and when he does finally come see you or call you, and you're feeling ready (not emotional and vulnerable) you can tell him you miss him and would like to be there as his friend. From there, you can reestablish the connection you had before and it will probably develop into something more. Maybe it's just wishful thinking that this will happen to me, but I truly believe that love fixes everything in the end. Have faith!!!!

[TrueHeart]

It is always hard at this stage of the game.. But sometimes its better to hope for the best and expect the worst... That way you're not disappointed as much.

 

Him IM'ing you, is good, but don't read too much into it. AFter 2 weeks of NC, you should really start to see that.. but technically, NC means NO CONTACT, and he IM'ed you... so its really only been a week.

 

I really feel for you.. I can't get passed even a few days without a phone call, but I've heard people do it for much longer, even longer than a few weeks. I find its easier to pass the time if I'm not by myself. Make some plans with some GF's or treat yourself to a movie-- ANYTHING to get you out of the house, doing things, that doesn't have you think about him.

[Jake212]

Hey Keely,

I agree with Trueheart. The first week is the hardest and the first couple days everyone tries to get in contact with their ex. Why? Because these people were so much apart of our lives and now their gone. The first week of my break-up with my boyfriend we tried to be friends by spending an afternoon together or having lunch. BIG MISTAKE. Because I was the dumpee I kept thinking we would get back together and he was toatly over it. I wish I went with "no contact" right after because I was emotional mess, and you cant think straight when your like that, like you told me you need time to heal. If you cut off contact with your boyfriend and he trys to contact you within the next 2 weeks just answer his IM or phone calls but make the converstaions short and to the point, replys only, dont you contact him. I look back and realize how much people do need to heal and take care of themself.

[John1]

my ex dumped me 13 months ago after i drunkenly kissed another girl.. i was overcome with guilt and was confused so instead of telling her it was a stupid one off drunken mistake i told her i had met someone else, which i hadnt... dont ask me why.. i continue to ask myself the very same thing 13 months later.. basically we were together 4 year.. she was living far away and she was on the verge of moving home and we were going to take the next step and move in together...

Now she was my very 1st girlfriend so this was mine and her first breakup.. i handled in badly... i would ring her and ring her.. witout her answering... she didnt want to speak to me... i continued to ring her hoping i could explain that i messed up big time.. she changed her number and disappeared off the face of the earth ...

i wrote her letters every 3 weeks or so for months... we used to speak 3-4 times a day ,in the 13 months apart we have spoken maybe 12 times....i last saw her 6 weeks ago where i stupidly again begged/asked for a 2nd chance, her reply was

" why would i give you a 2nd chance, im happy and enjoying single life, and you dont deserve a 2nd chance" , we had a bit of a chat even had a laugh and joke but when i asked if we could hang out occasionally she said no we wont be hanging out at all..

This was a girl who upto 13 months ago worshipped me.. we were going to move in together , get married etc etc etc.. spend rest of our lives together... now i never see her anymore, despite her living only about 10 mins drive from my house... i dont even know where she lives , she moved in with friends ... in a way i think she is a bit harsh.. but i was stupid...

at least i know where i made my mistakes and those mistakes will never be repeated again as i can guarantee i have learned a harsh lesson ...

so my point is to give them time... let them know you are around and want a 2nd chance but dont drive them away like i have done..

Hopefully in time my ex g/f will return to me but at the moment i have a better chance with cameron diaz.... ha ha, after 13 months apart, i still miss her so much and love her so much... its probably stupid but i cant help the way i feel... i can go out and meet girls if i want to .. but to tell you the truth i have lost all interest in dating... at the moment.. that may change ( fingers crossed ) best of luck to ye all , hoping it works out for ye.. just give them their space as i can testify that not giving them their space no matter how solid your relationship was in the past it could drive them away even further. i can vouch for that... now though i am going to do NC... better late than never... its 46 days now... but probably doesnt make any difference...

[kekep]

I know exactly what you went through, John1. Maybe you were feeling like the relationship was not working out 100%, and that's why you cheated then told her you had met someone else. There's no point in trying to analyze why you did it, because what is done is done. Believe me, I know it sounds crazy, but when I cheated on Don (sooo stupid) I actually thought I was interested in the other person. Well, what a mistake it was to think like that. Don was a saint for still taking me back after I'd shattered his heart, but he still did for awhile. Well, in the end, he had the last laugh when he hooked up with someone else, and now I am broken-hearted. Even though I know there's no way he's happy right now, he could not be as sad as I am. Cheating is not worth it, everybody!! However, I have to say there is still hope for your situation if you start NC right now. Maybe then you can reenter her life as a friend, and move on from there, if that's still possible. If there was love, there is always a way. Don't lose hope, friend!!