So...IS that grass greener over there?

[RayKay]

I mean really?

 

Do our exes really find that they are happier in other pastures (with others or being single)?

 

I guess it depends on why the relationship ended so I will not talk of those that were abusive, or heated, or were having serious problems. But what if the relationship was quite good, the chemistry was great and had always been, the friendship and physical connections great (and still were to end/after). And this was even said by the exiting partner! What if just the one partner was feeling a bit pressured being in a relationship, stressed about their lives and also immature to a degree.

 

Do they really find that the grass over the fence was that much lusher or greener?

 

Even if it weren't, are they determined to dredge through the sludge just to prove their point and convince themselves that it is really what they wanted?

[outrageousxo]

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[DopeStar]

People are allowed to move on. Personal happiness is more important than others happiness. I know it sounds selfish but seriously you've got take of yourself and become truly happy and love yourself before you can even think about having a really good realationship that will last a longtime, maybe even till death. If you are not 100% happy with yoru current relationship then go back to being single and find your happiness and then find someone to compliment it in the best way possible.

 

But only when you truly love yourself you will be able to do this and you can't begin to truly love yourself if your sharing that love with someone else.

[RayKay]

Well I do know happiness comes from within, and that is why HE left as he was not there (insecurities, etc).

 

I just wonder if when they do find that happiness, they realize what they had was great after all...because if they were unhappy inside, they were not going to be happy with what they have. Sometimes though reflection lets one see that they really did not appreciate it at the time.

 

 

Trust me, I DO know about long term relationships and personal happiness, and being complete before being there for another.

[vetgirl]

I think that as long as someone takes time in between one relationship and uses the time to heal and develop themselves personally, than maybe indeed you can find greener grass someday. However, for those people who leave on relationship and immediately go into another one or leave one person for another one, the grass is not greener at all. Those people may truly be unhappy in their current relationship, but if they never take the time to accurately examine their unhappiness they will only make the same mistakes or more in the next relationship. Plus, the person they are leaving the one relationship for is likely not a solid match, but more of a "way out" that the dumpee builds up to be something they are not. And what does that say for the new person the dumpee is dating if they know the circumstances that are going on. Maybe it feels good to have "wone" temporarily, but I know I would always worry "would he leave me for someone else like he left his ex?"

 

It's a good question you ask. Thinking about my answer is what is really getting me over this break up and enabling me to move on. I'm taking my time to get to know me again and to look at the relationship and examine the mistakes. I was able to approach him about a friendship and was absolutely genuine in my motives and interests. Him, he's off with another person and can't be friends with me out of guilt or remorse or whatever. I definitely know I've come out ahead of this game. He's far worse off, and even if his grass looks greener now it won't last for that long.

[deebee]

I ask myself that question too. I also thought that the chemistry was great and we could work out any problems. But she obviously didn't...

 

I suspect, although it may be wishful thinking, that she sometimes thinks breaking up was a mistake. There is a precedent - she bought her own house earlier this year, with great plans to renovate it. It was a lot to take on and I don't think she realised the work and money it would take. But she was very enthusiastic and I supported her in that. One evening over dinner she suddenly exclaimed: "I think I've just made the biggest mistake of my life!". This was buying the house, by the way, not me! This was about three months after moving in. Next day, she was back to normal and had no doubts.

 

No contact means I won't really find out. I also wonder if she met someone else, so sudden was her change of heart.

 

Anyway, this is a question with which you can endlessly torture yourself. The important point is our ex's believe they are better off, or they wouldn't have let us go in the first place.

[RayKay]

The reason I had asked, was because mostly with my ex, it seems he broke up with me not because of me. He in fact is the first to admit that he WANTS to be with me and that we do have great chemistry - unfortunately due to many circumstances, the difference is he cannot commit to me right now. But he does hope we can be together again at some point - he just can't be right now, or rather, he has CONVINCED himself he can't. Stubborness...

 

Since the break, I know he is having a good time that the "pressure" of a relationship is off with me as he feels like he has some more freedom (not with other women, just to travel, do things for himself more), but, I also think he has realized that he is still stressed, still way too busy, and that I really was not the reason for that as much. ESPECIALLY as we do have a great time together and things between us since the breakup have honestly been awesome for the most part.

 

I think he is also realizing to some degree that he misses me more than he thought he would, and loves me more than he thought - though he will try his hardest to not accept that as a reason to be with me again (but the more the fight it, the more they care about you )

[AngelWater]

It always seems that we get blamed for somone else's unhappiness. Just like you said. They are really unhappy with THEIR personal issues, and if they end up leaving us the issues that bothered them in the first place are still there.

 

My man just told me lastnight that it was over. He told me that he still loved me, but just wasnt' sure if he was "in love" with me. He said he was really going to miss the relationship but it was something he "had" to do. He said he has gotten no sleep this past week, hardly eaten anything and that he has been crying non-stop everyday. HELLO!!!! Why would he want to end things then. It's almost as though he has convinced himself that this is the only way. Or it really is for the better. I simply asked him "If you KNOW this is the right decision then why are you so upset about it??" He couldn't really answer me on this.

 

He said he needs time for himself, which I totally understand, but like you said I think he believes or had convinced himself that to grow as an individual he needs to end the relationship. I understand that you need to love yourself before you can love someone else. But if you already love someone else, why can't they be a part of your growth??? Ya know!? He is so weird because he even told me that he really wants me to be a part of his changes, just not as his girlfriend. Does that make sense to anyone.. come on!?!?!? I just don't understand men!

[DavidBB78]

Angelwater & Raykay,

 

I've been through the same thing as the two of you. Except my girlfriend dumped because she said she wanted to be on her own (suffers from depression), but at the same time wanted to find out how she felt about a guy from another country she met once. As human beings we are fundamentally selfish, especially if we haven't sorted through issues or have growing up to do. Many times I believe partners who leave you convince themselves that they're doing it for the best of both. They hurt us and let us down, and when they leave us, hurting us is the last thing on their mind. However, what is the most important thing in a relationship - happiness. Both being happy. So even if you did have an apparently supportive, understanding, caring, fun relationship the moment one of the party involved doesn't feel that buzz or happiness anymore, than it's most likely it's some issue they have and has nothing to do with you. This is hard for people who are providers like most women and myself to be honest- because we feel betrayed and let-down. What is it though we want for the person we love - more than anything else in the world- we want them to be happy. Wanting them to be happy with you if they're feeling unsure and flightey is selfish. If you love them you will let them go. Maybe we are the right partners for our ex's, but only they can realise that and make the decision to be with you again. We know how we feel, they have to understand what it was they felt. As for the grass being greener a french poet rightly said, "Absense lessens the minor passions and increases the great ones, as the wind douses a candle and kindles a fire". Only time will tell, but if we love them and are certain about it, we will get up and get on with our lives - not in the hope or in anticipation of their return, but because you have to retain that individuality that drew that person to you in the first place.

 

Sorry this is a lot of stuff, but these are just some initial thought I've had following the worst pain suffered in my life. Anyone wants to exchange views/support/understanding PM me.

 

Take care,

 

David

[TheDoctor]

RayKay...cant help but to ask since my situation relates so much to what you said earlier. My ex and I dated for 1 1/2 years. We were closer than anything and even though she meant it out of insecurity and low self esteem she wanted to marry me, she always told me she could never do as good as me, and how all the girls like me and how she hates that and how come no guys like her like girls like me,etc etc. Then she left me for her ex without really saying she was doing this but it was obvious to me because shed alllllllways talk about him. Finally, a few months after our breakup I see her car infront of his place ( he is my cousins neighbor Im not keeping tabs) and shes there on saturday nights etc etc. The sad part is this guy that shes seeing her "ex" uses my ex for sex and for his own insecurities. Infact, he laughs at the fact hes her ex bf and has a saying that she needs to find a hobby because chasing him wont cut it. He plays mind games with her and she loves it. Its been 4 months and 7 days.....I wonder if shell ever realize what she really had with me. I only wonder because thats all Ill ever have

[RayKay]

Doc,

 

I think she WILL one day at the very least look back and have some regrets. Why? Well, sounds like she will end up jilted by this guy, or unhappy at some point and she will also have positive thoughts of you (time does that) - and she will look back and realize how she hurt someone before too - karma has a funny way of coming back and kicking us in the behind when it is bad. On the positive side, GOOD karma also comes back to us - and you are in that position yourself.

 

She has some growing up to do, unfortunately, being with this guy is probably going to stall her a while longer on that path.

[AngelWater]

Hey David!

 

Thanks for your insight. It is so true about wanting happiness for the other person. That is actually what I told him. I love him so much, with all of my heart that ultimately if he is happier without me, than I would rather have him be out of my life. But the weird thing is that just today he told me that he really does want me in his life. His father told me this too and said how I am still a part of the family and that they love me and that they want me to be in there life some way. My guy told me that of course he could never just cut of contact with me because I am still one his best friends.

 

I feel like there are all these signs that he doesn't want it to be over, but he just keeps on saying that "its the way it has to be."

 

I love the words of the poet you mentioned: "Absense lessens the minor passions and increases the great ones, as the wind douses a candle and kindles a fire". I truly hope that our love is strong enough and that our passion is one of the great ones. I feel that sometimes for two people to be together, they have to find themselves and become better people, before they can be healthy together and reach the full joy and capacity of what it really means to be "in love." And what it really means to be a couple.

 

We have both realized that we lost ourselves in the relationship, and now realize that to live a full, happy life, we have to be content with ourselves first. We weren't content with ourselves, neither of us and that is mainly what lead to our downfall. I hope that by doing what both of us need to do separately for our own individual selves, that we can end up together in the strongest, relationship with an amazing foundation. I just hope that we really are a great passion.