Trying to be a good father but she won't let me leave

[Hleb]

I moved in with a friend as a lodger and as things happen she became pregnant.

We were never in a relationship or loved each other.

 

I stay with her through the pregnancy and during her 12 months maternity.

During the maternity I gave her half my monthly pay as she was earning less and needed to pay bills.

 

Now she is back at work and I feel it is a good time to move out I want to get a place close by and intend to visit everyday and help out on weekends.

 

But she insists the best thing for our child is that we stay together (she even talked about buying a place together!). She wants us to go on holiday together so our child can holidays with both parents.

 

She gives the impression that I'm not a good father if I move out or don't do the holidays etc. As we were not in a relationship she feels there is no hurt as when people love and breakup so we should be able to do these things etc.

 

I want to be there for my child and help out with expenses but also want my space and hopefully meet someone in th future.

 

In the past she has said it is OK for me to move out but then says she might get depressed if its too much (she has history of depression).

 

How do I get her to understand that I will be there for our child but also as we are separated we need to do our own thing?

[lady00]

You need to be kind but firm here. It's obviously a very delicate situation as she is the mother of your child and quite frankly, you don't want to upset her too much. However, you still have every right to move out and live your life. I think that you should start looking at places and let her know that you are looking and that you don't feel comfortable living there anymore. If she presses you about why, gently explain that if and when you get into a relationship, that person will legitimately be upset that you are living with another woman and it will prevent both of you from forming serious relationships with other people.

[bostonbruins44]

Perhaps it is true that you two were never in a relationship but you still did agree to have sex with her ..Hindsight is 20/20 I know but the time for some serious thinking probably should have been before you were going to have sex with her .Obviously you don't have feelings for her anymore so if she has any self esteem at all I can't see why she would want to be with you .Expresss clearly your desire to move out and most importantly express that you DO NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS for her at all.

[woodc5]

It'd be great if your child could go on vacations with both parents, have the whole family life, etc., but what happens when mom or dad brings someone else home? You two aren't in any sort of relationship other than being the parents of your child (not that that's a small relationship). The bottom line is, you don't have feelings for one another (or at least you don't for her). In the best interest of the child, it would save the child confusion and possible hurt by you moving out and sharing custody. It doesn't benefit a child when parents stay together just for the child.

[lostnscared]

So you aren't in love with her, and you guys are just co-parenting-correct? If so, then I agree with the others, you need to be firm and leave and agree to a joint custody of some sort.

[Hleb]

You need to be kind but firm here. It's obviously a very delicate situation as she is the mother of your child and quite frankly, you don't want to upset her too much. However, you still have every right to move out and live your life. I think that you should start looking at places and let her know that you are looking and that you don't feel comfortable living there anymore. If she presses you about why, gently explain that if and when you get into a relationship, that person will legitimately be upset that you are living with another woman and it will prevent both of you from forming serious relationships with other people.

 

I have told her I'm looking for a place, but she can't understand why I would pay more rent than live with her, also she will lose the rent I'm giving her which could be another reason for her stance.

 

I told her that as a man I feel more comfortable with myself that I'm not relying on anyone but trying to improve things for me.

I will live close by and see my son everyday after work but she can't let go and even though the only real difference is that I won't be sleeping in her place.

 

She believes we should make sacrifices for our child and if that means living together and not forming relationships with other people then so be it.

I feel she is using our son so she doesn't feel alone.

 

I rather not tell her about possible future relationships as this will enforce her mindset that I am running away from responsibility.

[Hleb]

.Obviously you don't have feelings for her anymore so if she has any self esteem at all I can't see why she would want to be with you .Expresss clearly your desire to move out and most importantly express that you DO NOT HAVE ANY FEELINGS for her at all.

 

Her viewpoint is about doing the best for our child. She said recently that if we didn't have a baby she wouldn't want me to stay but because we do she is doing the best for our baby by letting me stay and I should stay if I want the best for him.

I agree her self esteem is low but she has convinced herself that it is not more important than doing the best for our baby.

Personally I know this is more about her than the baby but she will never admit it.

 

I have no feelings of love towards her but I don't hate her, I'm beginning to resent her for her stance but I think she is a great mum.

[Hleb]

It'd be great if your child could go on vacations with both parents, have the whole family life, etc., but what happens when mom or dad brings someone else home? You two aren't in any sort of relationship other than being the parents of your child (not that that's a small relationship). The bottom line is, you don't have feelings for one another (or at least you don't for her). In the best interest of the child, it would save the child confusion and possible hurt by you moving out and sharing custody. It doesn't benefit a child when parents stay together just for the child.

 

I agree, I would be OK with going away for the weekend but it needs to happen when she understands that we are separate.

For example she is quick to tell people she is single and a lone parent, her friends know and will send cards to her and our and leave my name off. I'm not upset about that but when I don't go to her friends kids party etc she gets upset.

 

It feels like a cake and eat it scenario where she wants people to know she is a lone parent but then wants me to stay around to help her.

 

Regardless of either of us meeting anyone I agree it is important for our son to know early as to avoid confusion.

[Hleb]

So you aren't in love with her, and you guys are just co-parenting-correct? If so, then I agree with the others, you need to be firm and leave and agree to a joint custody of some sort.

 

Yes, not in love and co-parenting.

As our son is only 15 months I think he is best with his mother and I will make visit everyday. As he gets older shared custody will be more workable