How many posters here actually do get back with their ex

[cruuk]

just wondering. it seems like a lot of people come here for advice, so i want to know how successful people have been, and how long they were broken up before getting back together.

[deebee]

I'd be interested to know the answer to that one as well. What is the success rate of couples that get back together after a split? Perhaps a quick poll could be organised?

 

I haven't seen any posts saying that getting back together has worked and everything is great, although I admit I haven't been looking hard for them.

 

Most posts say that no contact is the way to go, either to heal after the break, or as a method of getting your ex back. Most posts also say that a break is a break up, and that it's never the same, you can't recapture the magic. But what if both parties have a change of heart - can it work?

 

Let me know if getting back together has worked out for you!

[RayKay]

I don't have a personal success story...YET.

 

But I do know three couples in my life who have split up (though each time it was the guy who needed the break/was not ready/needed to be single) and they all got back together within 18 months (one after 2 months). All broke up after 1-2 years together, in their mid-20's.

 

One couple just bought a house together (been back together 1.5 years), one couple married a couple years ago, and one couple has been married 21 years now.

 

All remained in some contact during split - some were pretty limited, some was as friends.

 

In all, the guy realizd how stupid he was for leaving in the first place. Strangely enough, my own ex looks to these stories as inspiration for our situation too - they were also part of the reason he felt he should "break up" as he could see sometimes it is for best, whatever happens down the road.

[fantasia2004]

 

 

 

 

How did the guy figure this out? For leaving the ex and how long did they break up during the split before he came to his senses?

[d346]

well, I think I'm on the road to success....

 

my boyfriend needed a "break" to "think about things" which I did not talke well after 3 years together. (I thought we were on the road to marriage, and he flipped out, I guess)

 

I took it as a break UP, and cried my eyes out, felt sorry for myself, but held strong and did no contact. I was MISERABLE, because like most people on the board, he was my life. I didn't have the heart to tell him it was over, but I did say that I owed it to myself to be happy if happiness were to come my way in the meantime (including guys, although I didn't really mean it at the time! -I just had to protect my dignity!!!)

 

well, don't get me wrong, I'm not happy with what he did, but during a month of no contact (with a couple accidental run-ins!) I began to hurt less, and build my strength back up. It still sucked to be alone, but I felt that I would be ok. and apparently in the meantime he missed me, and realized what he gave up! (I think I needed to be 100% absent with the risk of never returning for him to actually come to this conclusion) Before our breakup we tried a week or so "apart" which didn't force him to think about things, just be free and avoid them!

 

Anyway, he strarted trying to contact me again, and I told him I wasn't up for small talk...so he told me he was sorry and if i would have him, he wasnted to start over!

 

Right now things are great. Although different. We don't live togethr anymore so it's obviously a bit different. The effort on his part is there, he is soooo much more affectionate. the only problem that could still be there is the marriage factor. He knows I'm interested in it, so I assume he's not toying with me, but I'm wondering if he will ever want to take the plunge. I think that's a serious question I will address 6 months from now.

[RayKay]

Fantasia

 

In all cases the guy just felt pressured in the relationship, and started thereforeeee looking for problems where there were none, and starting to believe the other person might not be the one, and that while they loved them, were not in love with them.

 

In one case, they met in university, and dated for 2 years. They were broken up for 1.5 years. Both dated other people in the meantime, but kept in contact and saw each other sometimes. The guy one day literally realized how stupid he was, how being single was really not what he wanted after all. They started going on some dates and recently bought a house together.

 

The next couple dated for about 1 year, and he realized he did not want a relationship. They kept in light contact, and got together about 7 months or so later and got back together. He too realized he loved her. They are now married.

 

The last couple, they dated for 2 years. He felt pressured, stressed and the easiest thing to blame and let go of was the relationship. He would phone or email her sometimes, and she always responded. It took him two months to realize all paths led to her and she was what he really wanted. They are now married 21+ years.

[belle4]

Hey those were good stories....but I just feel like most guys have HUGE ego problems and would feel like they would be "settling" if they go back to their ex's....is this true?

 

Also, if you want your ex to come back you need to just play it cool. Act like you don't want it. If you can make yourself happy and be positive about the situation, everyone around you will see this, including your ex once you chose to talk to them. First everyone needs to give themselves a BREAK and just take care of yourselves...eat well, drink lots of water, exercise and schedule a lot of "me" times. those are really great ways to take care of yourself and you will find your own happyness in the process. There's no need to rush we all have our whole lives ahead of us.

[belle4]

Oh yea, I hear that a lot of people when they break up think that the think that grass may be greener on the other side...but in reality, ITS NOT!

[RayKay]

Hey those were good stories....but I just feel like most guys have HUGE ego problems and would feel like they would be "settling" if they go back to their ex's....is this true?

 

Also, if you want your ex to come back you need to just play it cool. Act like you don't want it. If you can make yourself happy and be positive about the situation, everyone around you will see this, including your ex once you chose to talk to them. First everyone needs to give themselves a BREAK and just take care of yourselves...eat well, drink lots of water, exercise and schedule a lot of "me" times. those are really great ways to take care of yourself and you will find your own happyness in the process. There's no need to rush we all have our whole lives ahead of us.

 

Hey Belle, well, a lot of us do have pride - even us dumpees! And it is true, that my ex is also the stubbornest of the stubborn and has backed himself in a box now where even if he does want to be with me, he cant for one year as it would be "going back on his word".

 

I don't - HONESTLY - don't think they think of it as settling if they go back. Most people don't want to settle either! I think the time apart gives them the time to see the grass is NOT greener as you put it, and to realize their feelings better.

 

People fall for those that they become emotionally dependent on SUBconsciousLY....if they feel they need to return their love too soon/commitment, they run away. Sometimes, the time apart without the pressure of the relationship/commitment lets the true feelings be more apparent and that is why they come back - not because they are settling, but because they can see the truth.

 

So as the dumpee, what can you do? Well, you have to foster that emotional attachment without demands, without looking like you are, and remain aloof and independent too - as you put it like you don't care, but you DO have to also show them (not tell them) through actions you DO care about them for who they are.

 

You are right, there is no need to rush. And one has to decide what they want - to go through some difficult times to get their ex back, or move on to something easier? Depends on how you feel. Don't chase just to chase! Keep in mind too, that love grows over time, we should not expect it to be instant, and returned right away. The best loves are those that grow through good and bad times.

[lady00]

did the couples who got back together date other ppl in the mean time? rebounds?

[RayKay]

did the couples who got back together date other ppl in the mean time? rebounds?

 

The first two couples DID date others (as in both partners did date others) in the meantime. I am not sure how quickly afterwards, but there was a couple short term relationships involved (for a couple-6 months etc) as well as casual dating. The last relationship the break was only a couple months, and I am not sure if she dated anyone else, but I know he did not.-

[OceanEyes]

I have a story about myself that could bring some hope, but only to people who are apart from their boy/ girlfriends but are still pretty much totally in love.

 

My boyfriend and I 'took a break' about 3 months ago. I am not from the city he lives in, but met him here during university. We had always argued, but things got very bad during the final 2 months we were together (March/ April). I chose to leave this city and move home to be with my family to sort things out and to get myself straight, since things with him had pretty much left me an emotional mess and almost clinically depressed.

 

I was away for over two months, we kept in touch and stayed together. I didn't date anyone else and neither did he. Although it was my choice to leave him for a while, I left because things between us became so volitile that I was always unhappy and cried almost every day. We just couldn't get along. I could never figure it out because we're completely in love! I know now that it was pretty much bad timing and our living conditions that messed everything up.

 

I've been back with him for almost a month. Things have been almost perfect, I cherish every moment I spend with him. We have argued once in that month, over something silly, and were able to laugh about it and accept that things won't always be perfect. Sometimes taking a break, stepping back and letting each other feel how important you are to each other is 100% necessary.

 

However, if someone breaks up with you and stops contacting you altogether, you have to be realistic, even though that might be hard. My story is relatively successful, but only because we were both totally willing to work things out and ultimately, loved each other dearly. There were times that I wanted to end things, and he did too, but we're together today because there's still a very strong desire to be together. It can't be that only one person wants the relationship.

[belle4]

I know NC is supposed to help me become stronger and move on...but sometimes I feel like it is doing the opposite...it is making me miss my ex like crazy. I've done NC for about 1 month now and all i keep thinking about is if he misses me.

 

I would do anything to be with him again but on the other hand I would do anything to just let go and move on because its preventing me from really being happy. We broke up because I was just too negative about life in general and I've been going through my ups and downs ever since my mom got diagnosed with colon cancer last year. I want to show him that I can make the best out of any situation but I really want more than a friendship with him. I'm so surprised that after 2.5 years that is all he can consider me as right now.

 

It was pretty mean and unexpected how he broke up with me but I just want to forgive him and forgive myself which is really hard to do right now.

 

Any suggestions/inspiration? I really really need it.

[cassiana]

well this thread kind of matches my own story. my boyfriend was dumped after 3 weeks by a girl and then met me and asked me out. He is a bit of a pessimist and to his shock he had a great time and was not dumped. However fear of success is a terriblr thing because men have egos and I think commitment reared its ugly head though I have never mentioned it. Anyway after 3 months he without warning dumped me. He has M.E and was about to do a very difficult law course that he couldn't do when he was ill and the pressure got to him. I was shocked, i'd been in enough bad relationships to know that this was a great one. However I didnt plead or beg. I didn't insult him. However I expressed my shock and anger, squeezed out a single tear for effect and walked out. He looked miserable when i left and sent me two jokey emails within the next two weeks followed by a bland birthday card. With the help and advice of my friends I didn't reply to these cowardly gestures.I knew that there was no hope for us while he was freaking out about the course. Well its been four months of no- contact now and there is about four more weeks left in the course. In the meantime I have been on a 3week holiday to europe and went out on a few dates. I've tried to take it for granted that he won't come back but I can think of about 5 times within my own circle when the man came back after similar treatment. Last week I attended the wedding of a couple where the girl was the one who baulked at commitment after five years. they reconciled after she had a year to get it out of her system.If my boyfriend does come back I promise to post it here to give hope. All I can say now is 4 months of no contact can be done.

[shockeddismayed]

Well girls...

 

Just before this gets a little too unipolar...

 

The stories I know where a couple got back together were all ones where the girl ended things. Usually they were with a really nice guy who treated them well.... but for whatever reason they didn't want to have a nice guy... so they ended it, only to realize later how stupid they'd been.

 

In fact... recently I knew a couple who were recently married, bought a house.... everyone looked at them as a model of happiness. Yet the girl (through her own insecurities) convinced herself that the guy wasn't enough for her... she left him... dated an old friend from highschool, and then realized that what had actually forced her out the door was her own depression... anxiety about her life and future.

 

After 4 months she came crawling back, just as he was preparing to sell their house and cut all ties. They went to counselling, and now, 1.5 years later have been giving me some good advice on how to reconcile with my own ex.

 

Once you are on the road to recovery (mixed messages, but some expression of wanting to try again) the key is communication. But the problem is that it is still SOOOOO easy to mess things up, even if the other person wants to try... they will take forward and backward steps, and unless you have a counsellor around to smooth off the edges, things can get very emotional and nasty... often the dumpee will end up doing or saying something (out of hurt and resentment) that pushes the dumper away for good.

 

I'm currently debating whether I've done exactly that... my ex was willing to try again, but kept being non-comittal as to when... she'd contact me... we'd chat about our issues, then I wouldn't hear for a week or two. This went on for 2.5 months before I lost patience with her and said some things I (almost) regret. It was honest about my feelings... but feelings can sometimes be worse than what you actually believe.

 

Anyway, it has been 2.5 weeks since we last spoke... don't know when or if I'll hear from her again. The funny thing is that when I read over everything she's written to me, all signs point toward reconciliation... unfortunately I'm not even sure how excited I am about that anymore.

 

This process can be exhausting... be sure to make the most of your downtime and opportunities for personal growth.

 

As to whether things are stronger? I think in MANY cases where there is an opportunity to get back together, things DON'T work out. However when they DO, it is because both sides were willing to WORK extremely hard on the relationship. Hard work and committment are the pillars of a mature relationship, so if you can use them to repair a relationship, it makes sense that it would be STRONGER than ever before.

 

Just keep that in mind if you ever get the chance again.... it isn't getting the opportunity that is hard... it is making it work once you have the chance.

[hurtin]

I just heard this one...kinda sheds a little light on my situation.

 

I know a guy who dated the same girl all throughout their University years. A couple months before graduation, she broke it off with him. Her reasons where that she simply wasn't ready for that kind of relationship and that she needed to experience life without him. A couple days later she was on a plane to Europe where she spent 2 years working, travelling & dating. Back on the homefront, the guy managed to pick up the pieces and move on with his life. He met this great girl and learned to love again. He and his ex didn't talk for 2 years!

 

His ex returned home (as she always claimed she eventually would) and, yada, yada, yada, hey had their first child last month...which happened to be their 3rd year wedding anniversary.