Did I mess it up?

[Ms Darcy]

Can't say I blame her for dumping me, I probably would have done it earlier if I was in her shoes also. The commitment issue is one of the reasons I didn't want NC, I thought that might push her over the edge and say "see I knew he didn't give a **** about me." I think she's done pursuing. I just am worried about keeping on trying to reconcile if it is fruitless, and I do not how to find out if this is the case

 

Basically what I am hearing is that you don't want to be strung along like you strung her along ... because that would really hurt your feelings.

[gary847]

Catfeeder-Makes sense.

 

Ms Darcy - LOL! Do you think there is any revenge motivation?

 

How can I know if I am being strung along?

[catfeeder]

[...] How can I know if I am being strung along?

 

By telling her where you stand and then leaving her alone to figure out where she stands. She can't string you along if you go away. You just need to let her know that you're not doing limbo anymore, and if she's in, she knows how to reach you.

[Ms Darcy]

Ms Darcy - LOL! Do you think there is any revenge motivation?

 

How can I know if I am being strung along?

 

As I said earlier, you should tell her how you feel - that you want to marry her - and then leave her to make her decision. I just think it's ironic that you really want to avoid being strung along when you kept telling this poor girl "maybe someday" for years when she wanted to marry you. Interesting indeed.

[gary847]

Catfeeder/Ms Darcy - One of the big problems is that she questions why I am wanting to get married, be nicer etc. now, and she is questioning my motivations for wanting this. (thinking is he just lonely, will things just be the same if we reconcile etc?). I know it does seem kind of strange I waited til now - but it is what it is. How do I improve my believability?

[Ms Darcy]

One of the big problems is that she questions why I am wanting to get married, be nicer etc. now, and she is questioning my motivations for wanting this. (thinking is he just lonely, will things just be the same if we reconcile etc?). I know it does seem kind of strange I waited til now - but it is what it is. How do I improve my believability?

 

It is a reasonable question for her to have. You actually seem kind of lukewarm in the way you write about her too ... but I can be very wrong. Anyway, all you can do is give her time. I think it would be very meaningful if 6 months from now or a year from now you still really wanted to marry her. That would really say a lot because it would be beyond the first feelings of lonliness after a break up (hopefully).

[gary847]

It is a reasonable question for her to have. You actually seem kind of lukewarm in the way you write about her too ... but I can be very wrong. Anyway, all you can do is give her time. I think it would be very meaningful if 6 months from now or a year from now you still really wanted to marry her. That would really say a lot because it would be beyond the first feelings of lonliness after a break up (hopefully).

 

I agree, and it would be more meaningful in 6-12 months, however I just can't see going through limbo for so long! Does that seem impatient?

[Ms Darcy]

Does that seem impatient?

 

She waited for you for ten years. You seem to have very little empathy for that.

[gary847]

She waited for you for ten years. You seem to have very little empathy for that.

 

I know that was completely wrong but I can't change it. I just want to know if that is fatal to the relationship or should I keep trying.

[Ms Darcy]

I know that was completely wrong but I can't change it. I just want to know if that is fatal to the relationship or should I keep trying.

 

Well, we've given you the path forward, so it's really up to her to respond. I'm saying for me, I am guessing it took everything she had to leave. It would be a big risk to come back to you and I'm not sure (honestly) if it would be worthwhile for her.

[gary847]

Well, we've given you the path forward, so it's really up to her to respond. I'm saying for me, I am guessing it took everything she had to leave. It would be a big risk to come back to you and I'm not sure (honestly) if it would be worthwhile for her.

 

Why do you say that?

[Ms Darcy]

Why do you say that?

 

I asked you a few questions earlier about how you felt about her, why you waited so long, what you wanted. I had to ask some questions a couple of times for a direct answer and sometimes the response was essentially "I don't know." From a female perspective, I would be loathe to enter into a relationship again with a man who could not clearly and passionately articulate what went wrong on his end, what his hopes are for our future, why I should trust him, and how much empathy he has for the decision I have to make. Women want: passion, communication, commitment, trustworthiness, and empathy. I couldn't find that in your responses, so I am just saying that is how I personally would respond to the information you have given me.

 

Believe me, everything you tell us we process in layers.

[gary847]

I do need to express my emotions more freely, however please don't mistake my responses for not having passion, commitment, trustworthiness and empathy.

[Ms Darcy]

I do need to express my emotions more freely, however please don't mistake my responses for not having passion, commitment, trustworthiness and empathy.

 

Yeah, it doesn't really matter how I see it. BUT I suspect she may be having some of the same reactions, no? So that's where you can work on how you communicate to her, right?

[RobD70]

Can't say I blame her for dumping me, I probably would have done it earlier if I was in her shoes also. The commitment issue is one of the reasons I didn't want NC, I thought that might push her over the edge and say "see I knew he didn't give a **** about me." I think she's done pursuing. I just am worried about keeping on trying to reconcile if it is fruitless, and I do not how to find out if this is the case

You have to go NC, like drop off the map NC. Don’t worry about her thinking you don’t care anymore; we’ve spent the last three months caring too much.

 

Trying to be nice and promising marriage or whatnot is going to work against you right now. You’re in the “too little too late” phase and making up for your perceived mistakes will backfire.

 

It’s time for the “be careful what you wish for” phase and give her what she says she wants: space; Lots and lots of space. She’ll find out (much to her own surprised) how much she misses you and that things really weren’t that bad when you are out of the picture. See how much you miss her now that she is gone? It works both ways.

 

Stop worrying about her forgetting you or moving on while out of contact. It’s that kind of thinking that sabotages most people’s opportunities to reconcile. You think if you go NC then they will leave for good (which technically they already did, you are still in denial) when in reality they only way they’ll want to come back is when they think you have moved on.

 

If she ever decides to date she’s going to do it whether you are in the picture or not. There is no benefit in keeping contact with her right now.

 

In the mean time, you need to work on yourself and really ask yourself do you actually want to be with her or are you feeling this way because you are not handling the rejection well? You may get her back and end up wishing you hadn’t once your ego has healed.

 

TL;DR Stop talking to her and stop over thinking things