I need to be single!

[daveyjones20042001]

Ok, this is the first time I've been on a site like this but I need help big time! The bottom line is I am with a girl who I don't want to be with but I can't just leave her and the reasons are very complicated.

 

I'm 23 and engaged to, and live with, my 21y/o 'fiancee' (I hate that word), we've been together about 2 years and been engaged for about 1 year and she thinks our relationship is perfect.

 

OK, there are a few reasons why I want to leave, but the over all one is I FEEL TRAPPED! First and formost sexual relations have near enough stopped over the last 12 months. Our sex life was very active until then but then it just stopped, with only about 5 encounters over the last 12months - we've talked about it and she says its because she 'just doesnt feel like it'. Because of this I thought she might be cheating n me so to find out (I'm not proud of this) i put some spyware on my PC to see what if she was telling her friends anything (she talks to them alot on MSN, and most of them are male). From this I found out that she is not cheating on me but she lies, alot, about many things from little things (eg she told her friends about a concert she went to see with me which she never went to, I went with my sister) to really big things that make me angry (I'll tell this lie in the next paragraph as its long winded and needs some explaining...)

 

...My mother had a stroke about three years ago and now is weak down one side of her body (she can walk but needs a walking stick). My girlfriend ('fiancee') told one of her friends that my mother was just faking it because her limp changes leg (a small part of the lie!), that my mother made me take her shopping to the supermarket in a wheel chair because she was to lazy to walk round herself (I've never done this - after she was ill she wasnt even alowed out of the hospital until she didnt need a wheel chair) and that my mother made me give her money towards household bills because my sister refused to pay (my sister pays her fairshare for the house and I never even paid when I lived there!)...

 

Now I'm very close to my family so I find comments like this really offensive, it sickens me that she claims to love me but says things like this to people (I've heard her say other thinhgs like this to her mother), if for some reason she has decided to dislike my family I dont she why she needs to disrespect them so badly! The lack of sexual relations and these lies are the main reasons why I want to leave but I cant confont her because if I do about the first problem I'll get angry and bring up the second one and I cant really tell her about how I found that out. Also because of all the lies, how much can I really trust her?

 

...ok thats the reasons. I'd really appretiate some advice on it so far before I tell you about the problems with leaving (coz I've gone on for long enough, your probably all bored reading it!)

 

Thanx

[hurtbylove]

You need to sit her down and talk about this and rather soon.

 

She is probably expecting to be settled down married and whatnot seeing as you are engaged now.

 

It is pretty wrong of you to continue to spy on her private conversations. I did the same thing for a while before... And it's really not healthy at all. You found out she's not cheating, so why do you continue to read her conversations?

 

The sooner that you figure out that you want out the better. Don't let this drag on any further or she will just get more hurt.

[Meow18]

I think if you don't want her to know how you found out these things, sit her down & tell her "I was talking to one of your friends, & I'm not going to say who, but they told me that you said some things about my mother that were totally untrue, why would you do this?". You don't need to tell her who told you or how, just say someone told you this.

 

You need to have a serious talk with her. Why does it matter that you were spying on her? She's lying & being disrespectful to you & your family & her friends.

 

Also, just a thought.. Just because she hasn't talked about cheating on you on MSN, doesn't mean she hasn't actually cheated. Maybe she did something with some random guy & doesn't even tell her friends about it? I mean, I don't mean to worry you, but usually your gut feeling is right. I find it weird that she would only be up for sex 5 times a year, especially if you used to do it a lot more. Don't accuse her of cheating, just accuse her of what you know.

 

You have to decide if you want to be with her or not. If not, then let her know. Be honest. Tell her that you feel trapped & you want to take a break. If you feel betrayed by her because of how she's been lying about your family, let her know this too.

 

You have good reasons not to want to be with her. If this isn't what you want to spend the rest of your life with, then you have every right not to. Just be honest with her about why you want to break up.

[lady00]

whoa...sounds like there are a lot of problems here. I think you need to take a break, clear your head, try and separate yourself from the emotion and decide whether or not you really want to marry this person. But I don't know how you're going to tell her you know she's lying because that would entail telling her that you invaded her privacy (which she has a right to). Basically, no relationship can survive without honesty and trust. You need to find out if you can regain the lost trust and make her start being honest and stop all these lies. I think your best bet is to let her know that you're onto her and that you know she's been telling lies and tell her that you are very bothered by this. It sounds corny but you need to have a heart to heart but I think before you can do that you should take a break from this relationship and think carefully about what you want and what you're going to say to her. good luck!

[falloutboy]

Well, you already got some good advice, I think.

 

Im not going to judge you because you used this spy software.

I see that you question yourself if this is has been a good

idea (and hope that you will never do things like this in future relationships).

Just ask yourself, what you would be thinking about your gf, if you were spied on by her.

However, it s clear that you cant ignore what you came to know.

And Id say what your gf did is really bad. I cant believe that she is completely fine with the relationship, there must be something wrong.

 

If you really think that you ve got to get out of this (easy for me to understand), than try and tell her as soon as possible. It makes no sense to let these things going on for a long time. You would regret that later.

Thats my advice, but its only from distance.

[Rahll]

First, your girlfriend has issues (obviously).

 

Based on what you said, (I'm guessing that her side of things would be a lot different) She either harbors some resentment towards you and your family, either because she is actually envious about your relationship with your mother and sister, or because she feels that they are taking up your time instead of her.

 

Or, she says those things because she likes attention. I used to be (and still am somewhat) the same way. I used to make up things just because in my eyes it made me look better or more interesting.

 

Bottom line is you need to decide for yourself if you want to work past this, or if you want to move on. You need to think of what the next few months and years are going to be like if you cant work through this?.

 

Let's say you do marry her and things don't work you....

 

How badly will you feel about wasting the last few months/years of your life?

How angry will you be that you didn't get what you wanted out of the relationship?

How much will you think about the other relationships you could have had if you had just broken up with her.

 

On the other hand........

Do you feel strongly enough about your girlfriend that the hope of a happy marriage will get you through the bad times?

If you later find out that she has happily married someone else will you be able to not regret the decision to break up with her?

Are you the kind of person who will always think back on what could have been?

 

These are the things you need to ask yourself. It all comes down to one question. Based on everything I know about myself, my girlfriend, my feelings towards her, and my past experiences will I be happier if I break up with her now or will I regret that decision later on.

 

This above all, to thyne own self be true.

 

You have to be selfish here and think about what is best for you, and only you. To do anything else is to deny human nature and will because you feel worse.