About NO CONTACT. Thoughts for doubters and the converted

sandbox2832 · September 2, 2004

Beec,

I was looking over some old posts. I recall the statement about why wouldn't you want to date another biker.

I realize that when I met my Ex, I wasn't a biker and he was biking yet he wasn't really into it as he is now right now as he had justs moved here. He was my next door neighbor, not really a biker. So technically I was a nonbiker dating a next door neighbor who happened to be a Biker at that time rather than Biker dating a Biker. So I could date another Biker yet I would need to be careful how I handled it now that I know what I know now

I'm still doing NC and haven't gone on a 830 Sunday ride yet. I did break the NC on Monday. I saw an article about 20,000 commercial small business in the state not having updated their pike passes to the newer setup with warning of fines/etc. if not done by Wednesday. I called my Ex to let him know so his company, if it hadn't done this, would be able to avoid any problems. Well, the call went well. His company had updated their stuff. Then my Ex started a small conversaion about the HHH ride in Texas and asked me about my ride. It lasted maybe 2-3 minutes and it was nice short talk. I didn't ask about Scary at all. He was nice and friendly and showed no anger toward me at all.

I can see him still at the trade show walking up to my left and talking to me with what he said to me and he still looked danged good to me, even now as I can recall it. I do miss him. Yet I am grateful that he and I are talking nice. I do not desire to do anything to kill this new goodwill between he and I as I plan to continue the NC at all costs.

This winter will be hard as cold weather and cuddling go together and i can't do that this year. Plus his birthday is on Xmas day. Then there is Turkey holiday which was when I first started really dating him around that time.

I do plan to try to do a 830 Sunday ride in the near future. I have a short-term part time job for the next 3 weekends which will help out tremendously.

Back in late April I was forced to leave my part=time job at an amusement park due to indirect age discrimination and actually resigned effective the end of June when I realized that upper management would not change their minds.

I still have some resentment from that and generally cheer when their stock goes down and that's been about 4 months ago. This resentment came as a surprise too as I had thought I had gotten over that hurdle.

So I'm certain that I will have some resentment pop up over the breakup stuff in the next few months out of the blue also.

I have a long way to go before I will be over this breakup with my Ex.

I just hope in a way that some girl will do the same thing to him and it will just wipe him out too so he will know what it is like on the other shoe.

I still wish there was a divorce pill or breakup pill a person could take to eliminate all the hurt. Part of the reason I'm keeping the NC is from reading the various posts on the website NC does help, even though a person might not think it does work. It motivates me to try to keep up the NC from reading about what others experience.

My frame of mind is much healthier than what it was weeks ago. I give credit to the people here at the website for their support in following the NC rule as a way to help heal and distance yourself from the pain.

I've got to go and exchange an item at a store.

Beec · September 3, 2004

Well, I think looking among other bikers is for you fertile territory. Women bond more by talking than men do. Men bond by doing. Think of a women's bonding event, it is mostly talking.

Think of a men's bonding event, it is doing. At best, it is talking but about different things. We got to a game and talk about it, that's it. We don't talk about us. My friends from college visit, we go shoot pool, drink beer, eat dinner and . . . . There is nto a lot of talkign abotu our "relationships" going on.

So, a guy who bikes sees you as sharing a big interest of his. He is ready to bike with you and thereby bond. Guys look for women with common interests in the things we do.

sandbox2832 · September 6, 2004

scout,

I finally made an 830 bike ride today. I rode to the start on my bike and got there after the group had already left. They were about 15-20 minutes ahead of me. Before making any decision, I checked the parking lot out. I noticed a red truck yet it wasn't his and on the turn about I noticed a black dakota dodge truck which was my Ex's truck. He was on the ride.

I decided to ride on to the coffee shop downtown as I mostly knew the way. On the way there two riders were passing me on and they were going downtown also and were familiar with how the group went. So I rode with them most of the way and then split off at a certain point close to downtown.

I couldn't find the coffee shop from memory so I opted to head on to Reno and go home. While heading toward Reno street, I saw a group of bikers go by--which was my group. I put some speed on and caught up with them and rode with them part of the way and then split off to go to my house. My Ex had apparently split off with the fast group planning to go the long route-40-60 miles.

I'm glad I went to it, even though I was late. The slow group got to see me, know that I'm alive and well and doing fine, that I'm still riding, and it should get back to my Ex at some point that I am riding. The best part i was able to ride and still keep the No Contact rule in effect. Seeing his truck was not the same as seeing him.

Yet I was glad not to see him as I had left my sunglasses in the car. It worked out well today. I got a chance to get in 25 miles and still keep the NC intact with him yet be around the other slower riders.

I may see the Ex next Sunday as there is a scheduled ride. If I do, I will handle it as I have been handling it yet I will have my sunglasses next time.

sandbox2832 · September 17, 2004

scout or beec,

It's been 37D-NC as of today. Can I do this? My Ex will be gone on a two day bike ride this weekend. I miss him and I miss petting the cat. What would be wrong with calling him and asking if it would be okay to stop by and see Scary this weekend if he was outside in the driveway area around his truck. I really want to see him. I miss talking to him. This way I could see the cat without him around if the cat was around and still keep the NC. I know I can't feed the cat or take care of him while my EX is gone this weekend. It's not good yet I feel like I need to contact him. What harm would it do?

The last time I saw him was the HHH ride in Texas at the trade show for less than 1 minute probably, maybe 2 minutes. Then the phone call about the pike pass stuff which went okay.

I don't know why I have this urge to call==it's been a long month without him. Do I call and risk going back to Step 1 again? It's not like I'm askinig for a whole lot. Tell me please what you think I need to do.

Beec · September 17, 2004

It seems like you are still pretty emotional, in that you readily say you miss him and Scary.

If you have no hope of ever getting him back, I'd stay away to allow your wounds to heal.

If you still have hope, and from your comments it seems that you do, I'd really stay away.

sandbox2832 · September 18, 2004

scout or beec,

I haven't checked my email yet on this site or my normal email site. I went straight to this site without checking on an answer from last night.

I checked my email last night and there was no response. This mid-morning i phoned my Ex, mentioned about him doing the charity bike ride and him being out of town and about giving me the okay to drop by to pet Scary if he was around his truck in the driveway. I left a message on my Ex's recorder. I went out tonight went a girlfriend to eat. I checked my message before she came by and here was the result: My Ex was not going to do the charity ride and that myself was welcome "to come by and visit Scary and himself". Well, I called him shortly thereafter to confirm that, finding out in a brief phone call that he had been sick the past two weeks somewhat (since the 5th when he last rode the Sunday 830 ride) and he sounded good voicewise without any tone of resentment or whatever toward me. I did tell him that I would be sure to call before hand though and it wouldn't be today or tomorrow. Hopefully he will be better on Sunday and will ride the 830 ride and if I can make that ride, I can find out how well I tolerate being around him briefly and then go from there as far as dropping by his house briefly to pet the cat and then leave quickly to do some errand.

After I called this morning, I felt relieved somewhat and satisfied whatever urge was making me want to call my Ex. I was prepared for the rejection when i checked my messages after getting home from work,even knowing I might go back to square one eventually from making this brief NC.

You would be proud of me. I didn't say anything about any house repairs, etc. I don't intend to use him or even ask for his advice on house repairs.

My ceiling fan little pull cord fell off last night disabling the fan part--it will need a new pull switch cord for about $80 estimate. I have found a Handman connection deal in the phone book that does house repairs and will save my money to get most of them done by them. I don't need to use my Ex for such repairs. I would have been better off by not using my Ex for that stuff anyway in the past yet he offered and I accepted so it was probably both our faults.

I'd guess that my call to my Ex today would be risky and needy, yet I did it anyway. I'm still not sure why I felt like I needed to make the call. I know there is no chance in heck of getting back with him the way that my Ex broke it off.

It may be that I need to see the cat and pet Scary as much as he will let me as a way of closure rather than sending a goodbye letter to him as some have done on this website. I probably petted Scary a lot more than my Ex yet I love animals as they take a person for who they are, no matter what they wear, are like, etc. I'm sure if Scary had not liked me or if when I do see Scary again and Scary doesn't like me, I will go ahead and leave as the reason to visit won't be there.

I'm rambling on a bit here. I'm still planning on keeping up the NC rule despite this brief break in it. Whether it is wise or a bad choice to make, i will ultimately pay the consequence down the road I'm sure of that.

Why he openly said that it was okay basically to come by, i don't know. Maybe my Ex would like to see if I'm really okay. Maybe this offer is a way of closure for him also. It could be that he doesn't like this feeling of distance and enough time may have passed for him to see if there is anything left for any type of future relationship nondating wise.

I'm probabably being a little too hopeful now. Of course, if he wanted to go back to partial dating again, I would consider it. Dumb as that would be, I would consider it. Yet I know that won't happen.

I've got to get off this website and check my main email. I needed to update you first on what I did before whatever happens next.

sandbox2832 · September 18, 2004

Beec,

I remembered i could check the email from this site so I just did.

I don't think at the moment, from reading your email, that I will see Scary this weekend.

I do plan to do the 830 bike ride on Sunday this time and hope my Ex is there so I can see how I ride. With my parttime job this Saturday and the Miss America pageant on where I'm a secret judge, I will probably stay home Sunday afternoon and bake cookies after the bike ride on Sunday morning. This will keep me busy and out of harms' way to give my emotions a chance to get more distance, which by your email would be to my advantage. Less than 40 days of NC is really nothing. At least I feel I have an opening to check on Scary at some point in the future when more NC has passed. I would prefer to see Scary outside when he is not around though yet I didn't tell my Ex that when he invited me to come by in the future to see Scary and him. I initiated the phone call. My Ex responded back nicely. There was no time limit on the invitation like it had to be done this weekend.

By not seeing Scary this weekend with my Ex around at the same time it will hopefully tell him that I'm not desperate or needy and have to see Scary right now. I'm busy with stuff and Scary is important yet not that vital to my life. Gosh, I hope some of this stuff makes sense.

Got to go.

sandbox2832 · September 26, 2004

scout,

I finally did it--the 830 ride. Yesterday I had gone on an outoftown bike ride and hadn't unloaded the bike yet. All I had to do to get ready was basically put on a shirt and shorts. I made it to the ride, the fast group was almost ready to leave yet there were a few stragglers getting ready which was part of the slow group. I rode with the slow group to the coffee place. Rather than take the slow group back to the parking lot I opted to ride with another girl without realizing that my Ex was going in the slow-fast group. Normally he rides in the fast-fast group. Today my Ex rode in the slow-fast group (15-16 mph). I managed to keep up and on the last rest stop at a gas station I told Sam, the ride leader that I was going to go on and let them catch up with me. Charles, another rider, commented that about my improvement on speed. I told Charles that I had been riding a little.

Well, I made it back to the parking lot first and none of them caught with up me even on the little hills that I rode on. I was bit motivated too. Sam and Sandra commented about that I had done good. My Ex never said a word to me. THey all went together and did an extra lap around the lake, to get another 10 miles in. I know that Sam was surprised that I was keeping up. I was partly surprised myself as those riders are strong that I was able to keep up.

I still recall the little statement my Ex made about "getting to be quite a little biker". I think the reason I've kept on biking is to reduce stress, it is good exercise and I like it. I've been able to bike and build up my speed without doing the 830 Sunday ride which he normally rides and that is a surprise to me that I've been able to keep on riding and avoid him at the same time mostly.

I would like to think that my speed surprised my Ex. My Ex did say that Scary said hi. It was the first unplanned ride I had gone on with my Ex and Sandra, one of his alleged protectors. It worked out well. So far I haven't had any bad reactions from it. It felt good to show my Ex up today. I don't know if I could do this every day but today I felt like riding and just going for it. The Ex should realize that from today that he hasn't beat me down a whole lot.

I may do some data entry work for the political campaign and/or drop by to see if Scary is home for a brief visit. Whatever I do I want to spend my time wisely, even if goofing off. I consider the time to send this progress message to the group wise time spent.

sm · September 27, 2004

I recently got speaking to a girl I was seeing last year. We were really close but she was at university and going home for the summer, so we wouldn't see each other. We were both young and we wanted to go out etc. However, it was hard losing her. I text her countless times and she broke all contact, which made it worse. After receiving no replies to any of the contact, I gave up. There was no point.

However, recently she told a mutual friend she wanted to get back in touch, so I added her to my MSN. We've been talking for a wee while now and she's told me that she missed me after so long and couldn't believe we hadn't spoken in a year. So you're right, that psychology does work.

We're now good friends again and I think we both know that getting together again wouldn't work, so we're both happy with the way things turned out.

sandbox2832 · September 27, 2004

beec,

I'm not back to square one. I'm not sure how I stand at the moment. Sunday afternoon I was procrastinating leaving to do data entry. The phone rings and it was my Ex. The Ex asked if I would be around this weekend as Scary needed a babysitter. I agreed. I went over shortly for the keys, spoke to him for a little while. In general talking I brought up about the broken ceiling fan pull switch and that I had it on a list of repairs for Handman Connection to do for $60-70 at some point. My Ex makes a comment about he could do that also. I brought up a point that i had thought that was one of the reasons why he had broken up due to feeling of being used. My Ex didn't agree with that yet said as much that he had been a bit messed up back then.

i believe we kinda made up. i am still going to treat him with NC rule unless he makes the first move to be on the safe side. If there is a slightest possible chance of going back together I want to not make the same mistakes that I did before, at least the ones I kinda guess I messed up on. I told him that I would have the Handyman Connection make the repair not him so that is cleared up. I wanted him to know that I'd rather have him as a friend or a boyfriend and not my repairman. I hope he got the message on this.

My cats have benefitted from having me around here more. I neglected them somewhat before and I don't want to do that again. Whatever happens, I plan to be careful with how I feel about my EX and not get too

involved.

One chance talk/encounter does not a couple make. i believe it could be a new start possibly.

I found out that my Ex had been sick for over 2 weeks, and was even off from his regular job for about a week as well.

Oh, and my Ex mentioned on his own about Rita kinda messing it up with mentioning that he had gone dancing. I did overreact to that remark when i ultimately called him that day.

I probably should DTR (definethe relationship) this yet I don't care too. i would like to think that since time has gone by and NC rule by me despite my not wanting to follow it, that my Ex has had some time to think things over and his request to babysit Scary and visit and talk like old times--that my Ex is maybe a bit regretful about what happened and not real sure how to say he was sorry. I may be very wrong here. Yet by his body language from the time I was at his house, his body language was very positive toward me. So I am hoping that in the future that maybe we can start somewhat anew.

Going over for the keys and accepting the babysitting job may be in error but it is already done. To keep me from getting out of control though i will strive to follow the NC rule and seldom call and maybe see him on occasional bike rides and if all i can do is see him once every three months or just once a month if that, I would rather have that than nothing at all. We are not a couple so he is free and one day he find someone else and only by following the NC rule will that let me accept that ultimately.

I know that I'm playing with fire here. I just can't not see him right now. My Ex hurt me a bunch yet part of that was due to me letting a case of limerence get me good. Personally i still feel that he is the best and only person for me right now if i have to supposed to have a boyfriend. Yet even if couples are married they can have disputes that seem unresolvable yet over time can be resolved, under right circumstances.

I guess that i am searching for my own justification to have tried for successful recontact with my former EX. If I did make a wrong decision here, I will follow the NC rule strictly and have no more contact at all.

My Ex, after a few days of thinking about Sunday's meeting at his house, may reconsider stuff also. I did promise the Ex that I wouldnn't watch TV or the VCR and that I would just come in and feed Scary and pet him and then leave.

I do hope that you'll wish me luck here. It is something that i have to least try. I'm sure I'm not the only one here that has tried to go back with a former EX or made efforts to rekindle a hurt relationship.

I'm rambling. I will leave now.

If he had already found another girl, he wouldn't have let me comeover to talk and ultimate cuddle.

sandbox2832 · September 27, 2004