Jealousy and trust issues will ruing my relationship

[Ministottie]

First off, I would like to say that I know this is my fault. I'm not writing here to try and blame him, I just really want some help with how to deal with jealousy and trust in my relationship.

 

I love my partner, we have been together for 11 months now, and are happy in every way as far as I can tell. My problem is I worry about what he is doing when he goes out with his new uni friends. They are all girls, and he goes to their flat most nights. There is nothing as far as I can see that suggests he is or ever would cheat, its just I struggle with knowing he is with them and not me. Maybe if I explain a bit of back story this will be easier to understand.

 

I am 20, he is 21. When we met he was in a relationship with a 48 year old woman who had basically trapped him by telling him lies about her health. Before anything happened between us he managed to escape, then he got with me. Together we managed to get him into uni. Before he went to uni he never had many friends, and they were all guys. Now he is there he has new friends who are all female and it puts me on edge. It isn't that I don't trust him, its that I don't trust them. I also get crazy jealous that he spends time with them instead of me, when we used to spend all our time together.

 

Call it irrational or w/e, I just really need some help because we have already rowed over it and I don't want my unfounded paranoia and jealousy to ruin the best relationship I have ever had.

 

Thanks for listening

[rosephase]

Do you ever go with him? Could they be your friends to?

[ToF]

It isn't that I don't trust him, its that I don't trust them.

 

I hear this all the time, and I've used it myself before. I am a very jealous person, too. But your rationale is flawed (in my opinion), and here's why: If it was really JUST them you didn't trust, then this wouldn't be an issue for you. Ultimately, the decision to either cheat or be faithful lies with your boyfriend, and him alone. No matter how much you don't trust these girls, they cannot do anything to MAKE him cheat. It's completely up to his judgement, and by not trusting the situations he puts himself in, you are not trusting him either.

[RedDress]

I hear this all the time, and I've used it myself before. I am a very jealous person, too. But your rationale is flawed (in my opinion), and here's why: If it was really JUST them you didn't trust, then this wouldn't be an issue for you. Ultimately, the decision to either cheat or be faithful lies with your boyfriend, and him alone. No matter how much you don't trust these girls, they cannot do anything to MAKE him cheat. It's completely up to his judgement, and by not trusting the situations he puts himself in, you are not trusting him either.

 

Agreed. It takes two to tango. Non-consensual sex is called rape. Are you really concerned that they will rape him??

 

The first step in this process is in realizing that - justified or not - NO, you don't trust HIM.

[savignon]

I hear this all the time, and I've used it myself before. I am a very jealous person, too. But your rationale is flawed (in my opinion), and here's why: If it was really JUST them you didn't trust, then this wouldn't be an issue for you. Ultimately, the decision to either cheat or be faithful lies with your boyfriend, and him alone. No matter how much you don't trust these girls, they cannot do anything to MAKE him cheat. It's completely up to his judgement, and by not trusting the situations he puts himself in, you are not trusting him either.

 

Beautifully put!! This is exactly right.

[Ministottie]

I guess I don't trust him fully because of the cirumstances around us getting together. I just don't like to admit it because relationships are built on trust are they not?

I'm just really struggling to cope with it. He has lied to me a couple of times about things, and I guess that may be one of the main causes. How do other people out there cope with the jealousy of female friends (or male in the opposite situation)? How about trust?

Maybe because this is the first long-term relationship I have ever had, I just keep thinking everyone is trying to take him away? I don't know, and I'm starting to sound pathetic...

 

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

[Iconoclast]

It sounds like you have some valid reasons for not trusting him. You are helpless to control his behavior. All you can do is talk to him about it and express how it makes you feel. You should learn volumes based on his reaction. My STBX gf would get so defensive every time I brought up my feelings about it. Eventually I grew tired of it and realized how pointless it was. Hopefully your bf will react better and be more supportive. If he is then it's probably innocent. He should be inviting you along IMO.

[ToF]

Have you sat down and talked this out with him?

[Ministottie]

Yeh, I have spoken to him, but he turns it right back onto me by saying I just don't trust him. He is right to be angry, and I so badly want to trust him but in all past relationships I have been screwed over.

 

He doesn't take me to see his friends with him, no idea why.

[ToF]

You should definitely ask him if you can meet his friends.

[Ministottie]

OK, things have improved. I spoke to him about how I felt, making sure he knew I didn't want an argument. He understood where I was coming from. Work has piled up so he doesn't see his female friends as much anymore, and has said he prefers to spend time with me over them anyway. I still havn't met his friends but there is time yet.

 

So yeh, thanks for all your inputs, I still have times when I feel insecure or worry about where he is but I'm slowly learning to control it