Strong Attraction and now Friends? wth!

[lavenderdove]

Always take the high road, but don't let a player try to drag you into his game or frankly, down to his level since players are all about playing other people to use them fro sex and attention, then dump them and move on.

 

So my suggestion is to do nothing at all, and if he does try to see you again, just say, look, i'm looking for a relationship and you're looking for quick and easy sex so our goals don't match up. I don't do casual sex with guys i hardly know, so sorry, just not interested. Then don't respond to him again, just ignore.

 

What you have to careful of then is he may say something like, i'm looking for a relationship too, but we need to see if we're sexually compatible blah blah blah. Don't fall for that because that is just more manipulation. If he really is ALSO looking for a serious girlfriend, he'll be willing to wait a while for the sex.

 

And you just respond, sorry buddy, i already told you i don't do casual sex when i hardly know the person so you're barking up the wrong tree. Then drop him.

 

If he's really a good long term prospect, he'll be more than happy to date you without pushing for sex early one.

 

My experience is you do yourself a big favor by NOT falling into bed right away with people, because only the ones who really like you and want the same thing you do (a long term committed relationship) will wait for sex. Players and cheaters and people who only want FWB type sex usually drop out right away if you turn down the sex early on, and they'll just be on to the next one since you didn't matter that much to them to begin with.

[testcase]

I basically agree with everything Ariel85's said here. This guy is an ass. I wouldn't talk to him again, don't give him that satisfaction.

[Marisa33]

So if he calls or texts me, I just ignore him? ....I mean I guess that's what he deserves, right? But I always struggle with being mean. Should I say anything or just ignore him?

 

What you have to careful of then is he may say something like, i'm looking for a relationship too, but we need to see if we're sexually compatible blah blah blah. Don't fall for that because that is just more manipulation. If he really is ALSO looking for a serious girlfriend, he'll be willing to wait a while for the sex.

 

And you just respond, sorry buddy, i already told you i don't do casual sex when i hardly know the person so you're barking up the wrong tree. Then drop him.

 

I like this!!!

[testcase]

Obviously it's up to you. I'd ignore. I'm willing to bet if you say something he's going to try to turn it around to get at you some more. Better to keep your distance....

[Marisa33]

I'll ignore him and if he keeps calling I'll give him the news. How about that?

 

Something like: "I dont think this is going to work, even on a friends level. I want to keep my options open and you're not one of them. All the best"

[testcase]

Hahahaha cold as ice, but I love it. Awesome txt. I hope you get the chance to send it.

[Marisa33]

lol Well! He's a creep and trying to play me, and I'm so much better than that!

 

i hope i get to send it too!!!!

[Ariel85]

lol Well! He's a creep and trying to play me, and I'm so much better than that!

 

i hope i get to send it too!!!!

 

That you are! And I would really ignore him if he contacts you again. I fear you will send that text, and then re-engage with him, and open this all up again.

 

Often, we speak louder when we actually say nothing.

[aint_no]

Whoa...everybody slow their roll. You are all assuming this guy is a jerk and is playing games. We don't actually know if this guy is a good guy or not. OP could be missing out on a good friendship if she assumes that dude is a dbag.

 

Also, please don't just ignore him. I hate it when girls do this to me and I don't understand how women can think this is appropriate behavior. If you don't want to talk to him anymore, tell him so. Pretending to fall off the face of the Earth can be very mean to someone that might actually care about your well-being. Imagine not knowing if someone is alive or dead.

[Marisa33]

Whoa...everybody slow their roll. You are all assuming this guy is a jerk and is playing games. We don't actually know if this guy is a good guy or not. OP could be missing out on a good friendship if she assumes that dude is a dbag.

 

Also, please don't just ignore him. I hate it when girls do this to me and I don't understand how women can think this is appropriate behavior. If you don't want to talk to him anymore, tell him so. Pretending to fall off the face of the Earth can be very mean to someone that might actually care about your well-being. Imagine not knowing if someone is alive or dead.

 

What should I do then? I mean he seemed like a nice guy until this conversation, I mean I would be friends with him if that's what it actually was and not some hidden agenda but I just don't know what he wants from me. Should I just see how things go then? I'm so confused

 

I have no problem being friends, but that's all it would be nothing more. Should I just see how things go at the party and see if he really does want to just be friends?

 

ugh! what do I do?

 

I JUST WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING, but what is that?

[aint_no]

Marissa,

 

Regardless of the fact that this guy MIGHT be playing games or he genuinely wants to become friends. You need to deal with the fact of why this "rejection" is driving you crazy. You obviously was into the guy, things got hot and heavy, and you stopped because you weren't comfortable yet. Now it seems this guy may or may not want to continue a physical relationship. It's easy to understand why you may be feeling rejected, like you did something wrong.

 

The truth is, you didn't do anything wrong. Everyone has their own pace for intimacy and you shouldn't feel bad about what makes you comfortable.

 

If the guy was playing games and he does come onto you after the party, then you weren't really rejected, you just have a dbag on your hands.

 

If he doesn't come onto you and you become friends, then you will have to deal with the fact that you can no longer have a physical relationship with this guy.

 

Just be safe and don't let your emotions get the better of you. Rejection is a part of life and the sooner you can be okay with all of it's many forms, the less control it has over you.

[Marisa33]

You know I respect what you wrote and I think you're right. If he wants to be friends, I can accept that as long as it's genuine. If he tries to come on to me at the party then I know he's just a creep and we can't be friends. But for now friends is ok and I do need to understand I didn't do anything wrong and whatever reasons he has, friends is what it needs to be. THANK YOU!

 

I seriously just want to do the right thing here, no games or drama. I just want to be who I am and I always try to do the right thing. BUT if he turns out to be a creep then I will tell him It's not going to work out, not even as friends. I think that's fair

[AmericanHuney]

I've been watching this thread...honestly, I think you should just get to know each other more. There doesn't have to be a clear title or black and white area. Just get to know him, see where it goes. I personally think he likes you and is worried about relationship pressure like most men. You seem pretty independent so letting him know he has no obligation right now other than just getting to know you, will show him your emotionally independent. If he wants to have sex with you at some point, tackle it then. But make clear to him, sex only comes when things are exclusive so if he wants that, those are the rules. But i don't see anything wrong with just still getting to know him and having fun at the Party when it comes. He may just be putting expectations on himself and that's not your problem that's his.

[1guygirl]

I'll ignore him and if he keeps calling I'll give him the news. How about that?

 

Something like: "I dont think this is going to work, even on a friends level. I want to keep my options open and you're not one of them. All the best"

 

this is what i was hoping you would come to realise ....and send

[1guygirl]

Whoa...everybody slow their roll. You are all assuming this guy is a jerk and is playing games. We don't actually know if this guy is a good guy or not. OP could be missing out on a good friendship if she assumes that dude is a dbag.

 

Also, please don't just ignore him. I hate it when girls do this to me and I don't understand how women can think this is appropriate behavior. If you don't want to talk to him anymore, tell him so. Pretending to fall off the face of the Earth can be very mean to someone that might actually care about your well-being. Imagine not knowing if someone is alive or dead.

 

well if the guy jus waited around until OP was comfortable with progressing further then i would agree with what you say. absolutely. in his rejection he tried to belittle the OP instead of just admitting he was disappointed in some way. yes we all have rejection in our lives and it depends on how we deal with it, and i can understand from his point about just being friends and even the way he handled it, IF the OP had outright rejected not only his advances but him as a potential bf

 

but she didnt, and he made a derogatory comment to her, demeaning her...putting it back on her is manipulative at best, but to say shes been sheltered and not enough experience?? gag!!!

 

that is my beef with this guy. when he doesnt get his own way is he gunna belittle her/demean her in the future, cos if he is, this is the classic first inklings of a controlling abusive man

[lavenderdove]

Everyone who is telling them to 'be friends' is missing the point. She told him she didn't want sex and his immediately response is to accuse her of 'being sheltered' or 'less experienced' or some other negative label that implies turning down sex with him means she is somehow 'less than' him.

 

Who needs friends who put you down? Nobody. And it is very presumptuous and egotistical of him to label her that way when she just made a choice that she is not interested in sex with relative strangers. That's a choice, not a flaw that she needs to grow out of.

 

If this guy is a player, the more she exposes herself to him, the more manipulations and games he'll play with her, and more importantly, the more he'll mess with her head. He's already messed with it to the point she is considering befriending a buy who basically demeaned her and put her down because she said no to sex. That says a LOT about him.

 

A normal/nice guy would have said, 'I'm looking for sex right away and don't want to invest a lot of time in building a relationship first, i just want the sex now, so i need to leave my options open and keep dating other women.' He would just tell her honestly what he was looking for, and if that didn't match with her, he wouldn't try to demean her. That either a player tactic, or a guy who is a jerk.

[ny guy]

Exactly, I think these points were missed in a few other posts.

[Marisa33]

Everyone has brought up good points, and in all truth I don't know this guy too well just yet. I pulled back when things were getting Too HOT for me and that's when things changed. Thus, the reasoning for my confusion now. When I did hear from him a week after that incident he stated he still liked hanging out with me and would like to go to my thanksgiving party but he felt friends was better and friends because I was not as experienced as him and he felt I was sheltered.

 

I've told him we could go to the party still together, but I didn't want him to be close minded about me and him. That I still wanted to get to know him and see where it goes, that it was too soon to tell stuff like that for me. He said that my idea was fine and we could still hangout because he has fun with me. That he doesn't want a relationship right now but if the right person came along he would be open to it. (this made me feel like the door was still open and he was leaving it like that to show me I still had a chance).

 

BUT! I dont' want to be lead on, taken advantage of, or played! I want to move on if I need to or get to know him more and see if he really is a jerk or a nice guy. The thing that bothers me is all this occurred after that night when I didn't want to have sex. So that's why it makes him look bad in my eyes, because he was Soooooo interested before (holding my hand, kissing my cheek and lips, taking me out to dinner, going to the party with me).

 

So! What do i Do?!?! I see two options from everyone who's posted so far.

 

1. Drop him, tell him it's not going to work and move on (he's bad news already).

2. Actually give the friends thing a shot, get to know him more and if he's "dbag" tell him to get lost.

 

I just want to do what's right for me and not play games.

[orchidrose]

Drop him drop him drop him.

 

Honey, he is TELLING you that he does not want to be in a relationship with you, over and over again, and you're sitting there begging for crumbs. It doesn't matter if you want to be with him romantically - that's not what he wants. So why bother still hanging out with him? So he can make a rude comment again in order to make himself feel better?

 

It doesn't matter when it started happening. He's made it clear that he's not interested in anything but friends. You can't force him into something more.

[ny guy]

 

Red flag 1 - When I did hear from him a week after that incident he stated he still liked hanging out with me and would like to go to my thanksgiving party but he felt friends was better and friends because I was not as experienced as him and he felt I was sheltered.

 

Semi-Red Flag 2 - That he doesn't want a relationship right now but if the right person came along he would be open to it. (this made me feel like the door was still open and he was leaving it like that to show me I still had a chance).

 

 

Sounds like he isn't looking for a relationship, rather seems like he's looking for a hookup, and is hoping that's what you're looking for too, he pretty much said what he wants and gave you fair warning. I don't really see a problem with this. I have a problem with that 'sheltered' comment. It is manipulative to say something like that.

 

What do you want?

 

-no strings attached hookup?

 

or

 

-relationship?

 

 

If you want a relationship, odds are this guy is not the guy and I wouldn't waste any more thought on it. If you don't mind taking the risk, then hang out with him and see where it goes.

[orchidrose]

He said that my idea was fine and we could still hangout because he has fun with me. That he doesn't want a relationship right now but if the right person came along he would be open to it. (this made me feel like the door was still open and he was leaving it like that to show me I still had a chance).

 

Nope. This means he's open to it... with someone who is not you.

[AmericanHuney]

* * * , why is my post all messed up!?

[Marisa33]

I want a relationship, but with the right person. I dont think he fits that bill or even the potential any longer. I'm going to let it go and look at my other prospects. If he wants to pursue someday then I'll deal with it then, but I was wrong to ask him to stay open minded. I need to go off of actions, not words I suppose.

 

I think this is a no go for me now and it is what it is. If he calls and wants to hangout, I'm just going to be myself and take it as a friends only thing, if he makes a move I'm going to stop it right there and tell him that I liked him but that changed and now I just want to be friends but if he can't do that then we can't be friends.

[Marisa33]

I have a problem with that 'sheltered' comment. It is manipulative to say something like that.

 

 

I think this is what turns me off to him now, everyone has said this and I guess I was overlooking it. But I thought about it more after everyone kept saying it and now I dont really like him so much now.

[lavenderdove]

When someone gets all physical and touchy touchy with you then they hit you with 'i don't want a relationship' when you don't go for quick sex, it is clear all they were ever interested in was sex and hoping you'd go for it, and once it is clear they aren't getting it without a relationship, they fess up they only wanted sex.

 

Every single time i've heard anyone get told 'i don't want a relationship now but would with the right person,' they are telling you they already feel you're not the right person, but they'll take some free sex to tide them over until they meet the right person.

 

So nothing in this for you... why have such a problematic friend when you're attracted to him, but he has made it clear he'll only use you for sex but doesn't want anything more. The 'let's be friends' thing is just a way to get out of an awkward situation without admitting he was trying to manipulate you into sex and it didn't work, or else it's a way of giving him more opportunities to try to manipulate you into no strings sex in the future.

 

Then if you cave and do have sex with him and expece something more from him, he'll just say, 'what's your problem, i already told you i didn't want a relationship with you.'