Aching. -- UPDATED.

[Sally7829]

My boyfriend (31) and I (25) have been dating for over 3 years. Recently, we've been shopping for a home together and even went engagement ring shopping. However, just yesterday, he told me he's "really confused" because he's not sure "why we're not engaged yet," and can't understand why he just "hasn't had that FEELING yet" of wanting to take the next step. This was brought about immediately following his friend's engagement and apparently the fact that my birthday was coming up (so he was afraid I was expecting a ring).

 

Following the fantastic summer we've been having, this came as a complete and utter shock to me.

 

Long story short, I told him after 3 years, I can handle not being engaged yet; what I CAN'T handle is this new "if-we-ever-will-be" element.

 

Our relationship is in limbo. I told him he needs to take some time, because I don't know if this is about us or him, and he needs to figure that out. He told me he "really wants to make this work," "loves me more than he's loved anyone," and "just isn't ready yet." I fear that it's more than that...

 

So we're not done yet; I don't know what we are. This is going to go one of two ways: he's going to break up, or apparently he's going to continue waiting for some lightening bolt to hit him that says, "go get married today." (that appears to be what he's waiting for, since loving me more than anyone is apparently not sufficient).

 

I don't know what this means or what to do. I thought he was the one. How do I deal with this state we're in?

 

And how long do I give him to figure it out?!?! Am I just waiting to be dumped?

[kipster]

Sally, let me tell you this you are handling this well sweetie. Do me this favor....IF YOU LOVE THIS GUY AND SEE HIM AS YOUR HUSBAND...IN YOUR HEART (AND MORE IMPORTANTLY YOUR HEAD) Then DON'T GIVE UP ON HIM. SIMPLY TRY A NEW APPROACH. First, I can tell you this, this guy will marry you. I had this same feeling, but after my EX left me, I would have married her the NEXT DAY. Now I'm not advocating leaving, because that also caused alot of doubt in my mind about my EX who waited 6 years to be engaged when after my friend got engaged after 6 months I had to piss or get off the pot. What I would suggest is not to break-up but to WITHDRAW. Do not be available for him for about a month or 2. Don't answer his phone calls, return calls, but do not initiate them. Also, go with him. When he says he doesn't know, you say the same thing. 'You know what, I've also been having some doubts and think we should be on our own for a bit and date others'. He won't expect this, trust me. And you're relationship isn't in LIMBO...its simply a rites of passage that many relationships go though and can be initiated by the woman or the man. Simply withdraw a bit, go out to clubs, move forward, he'll get his S*it together very quickly. NO man wants to see a potential wife...and believe me he see's you as that as we speak, he only question WHEN it will happen at this point, potentially leaving him for greener pastures. For me it was devatstating. But don't keep it up for too long or he will assume you have moved on for good. Its a sensitive process, but withdrawl on your part (sex, contact, etc.) will help speed up his decision making process. He doesn't want to lose you any more than you don't want to lose him sweetie. So don't panic, this is normal and he will come around. Just be patient and withdraw a bit for a short time, it will work out...

 

Kip

[k33]

My question is: is it really important to you to get married any time soon? If it isn't, it's a moot point and go on as before. If you are happy with him as is, don't put pressure to get married, that will happen in good time. He might be freaking like you said because his friend got married and your birthday is coming up.

 

And really you don't want someone to propose and then say he's not sure if he's ready. I would just ride it out, men say lots of stuff they don't mean, and lots of stuff they do.

 

It sounds like you have a great relationship other than this. I wouldn't throw it away. When the time is right it will happen. If you guys are shopping for a house that is a HUGE committment. In someways bigger and scarier than marriage. I think he really loves you and might just be a little freaked...Buying a house is a huge stressor, and if he feels like he should be ready to get married, it could make the whole thing worse.

 

It's like the kids thing, there is nothing worse than people saying so when are you having kids... if you aren't ready for it you aren't. Don't worry he does love you ... Talk to him honestly about your fears and tell him that you don't need to be married now, but would like to be someday. And leave it at that. Don't put a time frame on it.

 

Hope this helps.

[Kittengirl]

I hate to be negative but if your BF isn't ready after 3 years what makes you think he will be ready in say 5 or more??I waited 5 years and had the ring but it was all just to keep me sweet. My ex hadn't even got divorced in the 5 years we had spent together so that to me showed how committed he was!!!! I know not everyone is the same but if he wants to be with you then he should prove it. I met a lovely guy and after only knowing him 6months I have accepted his proposal. It's not necessarily the length of time but rather a willingness to commit to one another.

[OceanEyes]

I think I agree partly with Kittengirl and partly with the other posters. On the one hand, when someone expresses uncertainty about committing to you, it's confusing and causes some doubt on your part too. This can't be healthy for you, especially since you seemed to be pretty shocked.

 

Then again, on the other hand, your fiancee has already committed to you in just about every other way. You seem to be accepting this, but at the same time wondering why things are not moving along as you thought they would.

 

Are you guys on a "break" or are you still together as if nothing happened?

 

apparently he's going to continue waiting for some lightening bolt to hit him that says, "go get married today." (that appears to be what he's waiting for, since loving me more than anyone is apparently not sufficient).

 

I wouldn't look at it this way. Women make the common mistake of assuming that our men don't love us as much just because they won't do something we feel they should. In truth, he does love you just as much, but marriage seems like a very big responsibility (and it is). He is actually being honest with you and respecting you by telling you that he's having some fears about that level of responsibility and committment. Marriage is like a business contract that brings about some new ways of behaving, new obligations, and of course, a lifetime of fulfilling them. To be honest, I can understand why he would want to be absolutely sure that he's making the right choice. The choice doesn't have anything to do with you, he seems to be doubting himself and his capacity to change his life and follow through.

 

At 31 years old, you have to wonder why he hasn't decided to settle down into something more stable yet. Were his parents divorced or did they have a lot of problems in their marriage? Was his mother somewhat of a control freak or at any point, abusive towards his father? This makes a world of difference when men think about getting married.

[Sally7829]

In response to some of your questions, (1) we're not really "on a break"...yet. We're both just taking some time away from each other. I think a "break" is somewhat impractical at this stage of the game, in that neither of us has any desire to date any other people; it's more about figuring "us" out. (2) there's no real "reason" I can find for his fears--he comes from an amazing family, his parents have been married for 35 years and are wonderful people, he's been in long relationships before, he's never really been "burned" so to speak. Really, there's nothing other than his own innate fears. (3) I would love to be married, but it's by far the least of my concerns. I could care less if it happened two years from now. I'm happy in where we are. What I can't handle is the not knowing IF he wants to get engaged. If he doesn't know WHEN, fine. I also just don't want to sit here and wait for him to break things off 6 months now, but the alternative is to walk away from an amazing person who I honestly believe I am meant to spend the rest of my life with. I just never knew he wasn't as sure as me of that fact.

[sayer7]

My bf and I had the same issues... we're the same age (I'm 25 and he's 31) and we'd been together for about 2 years. He'd keep on saying we're going to get married and telling me he wants to... but then never followed through with a ring or some other trinket just to symbolize the commitment.

 

I figure if a guy's really that committed to a girl and the girl expresses that she would like some sort of symbol to express their level of committment (be it an engagement ring or a simple necklace or mood ring-- whatever), and he STILL doesn't get her something to symbolize the committment--- then something's fishy.

 

I decided to withdraw from the relationship mainly because I realized I was just something he was using for his own self-fish needs. These days I'm willing to do things with him as friends now, but not as a romantic couple. The intimacy between us was lost because of all the arguments he tried to start, his whining when I didn't do his beck and call, and his behavior that showed he was irresponsible and not ready for any type of committed romantic relationship.

 

But I say, if you honestly love him and you aren't arguing every day and the relationship between you two is really good--- then go with the flow-- you're bf's showing you respect by communicating with you and letting you know how he's feeling. He didn't say he didn't love you... Didn't say he wanted out--- he just said he wasn't ready just yet. Give him patience and don't let the issue bog your good relationship down. Getting engaged is a big leap for both parties- both people have to be ready.

It sounds like you have a great relationship so far... just be patient and enjoy your time with him as you did before.

 

In life there is no guarantee... enjoy life as it comes and while it's still around.

[Bingo72]

Similar thing for me too. He says I am the best thing that's ever happeneded to him (me 29, him 34) so why wouldn't he want to just do it?

 

I really do think that a little bit of withdraw is good just to see what he thinks of it and if he shows a little concern. My bf and I have been together for 11 months, together everyday so suddenly not getting together in the evening for even one day is not an option. Red flags would go up immediately.

 

Just show less interest in his activites and what he says. If he notices that you are feeling a little different, still don't spill the beans as to what you are doing. But, be prepared if it is a case where you really begin to feel that he won't ever commit.

 

There's nothing wrong with waiting to actually "do it" but I know the feeling of wanting to know that someone wants you as much as you want them. I wouldn't be one of those girls that waits another two or three years though, why give him the rest of your youth and then realize it was all for not. If someone wants to marry you they will do it and not need even more time to be together as just bf and gf.

 

Re-read what Kipster said again, I truley believe you'll start getting some answers if you take this advice.

[jaiva]

Don't give up on him. He might have had a horrible experience in the past with a relationship or watching someone else's relationship. Try to get him to open up about his reasons for not proposing yet. If he doesn't want to talk about it don't pry and don't push but let him know that you love him enough to help him with whatever is bothering him and let him know you intend to stick with him.

Jaiva

 

4 the record I didn't look because of the word porn.

[Sally7829]

Well, it's over. and on my birthday. he told me he's come to realize that we are just not meant to be. this is the most paralyzing i have ever felt. because for me, i never doubted, through this all, that we WERE meant to be. i was so looking forward to the next years of our lives together. to our life together. and now i feel like i have lost everything. him. his amazing family. his wonderful friends. our future together. i am absolutely destroyed.

 

i gave him all of myself and feel now that i have retained nothing for myself. nothing.

 

how do i ever pick up the pieces and move on?

[Scout]

Sally, hold on a second. First, it ain't over my dear. Like Kipster said, this is a rite of passage for many relationships. It may suck and no, it doesn't seem fair, but it's more common than you think.

 

This guy is seized with fear and doubts right now, and is thinking it means something it doesn't. HE LOVES YOU. I PROMISE, HE LOVES YOU.

 

Now, what do you do? EXACTLY what Kipster said. The next time you talk to him, tell him you've come to the same conclusion. Wish him well. Than do your own thing even if it kills you. Do not slide into a friends with benefits scenario or it will be the kiss of death. Let him miss you. HE WILL. Please, please if you truly love this guy, this is how to get him back. It works!!!

 

Kipster, please take over from here and tell her how to proceed. Sally, hang in there, girl! It's all going to be ok, I promise.

[k33]

I agree do your own thing and don't contact him for awhile. It's rough, my husband seems to be coming around a bit, but it is still really hard not to call him a couple of times a day. We are now hanging out a bit and seeing how it goes.

 

I am not sure if I want him back at this point, but same as you he was my heart and my life and I loved him so much. So much. So I am willing to be in limbo while we figure it all out. It could end up with us apart, but we could end up back together.

 

Not talking to him, seeing him etc, has been killing me, but it's been six weeks and he's starting to miss me and enjoy me again. And vice versa. Roughest six weeks of my life for sure. I miss him every day. But there are times when I think if he could do this to us is he the one for me?

 

Just try to follow your instincts and when you have to scream do it in your car... helps me. Don't be afraid to have all your feelings. You are going to feel horrible.

 

I believe he still loves you too. Men get scared sometimes when things are too right. weird but true.

 

Let me know if you need anything.

k

[Sally7829]

It seems impossible to believe that someone who says "we weren't meant to be," and "i want both of us to be happy in our lives and with the person that we're each supposed to be with" has any chance of coming "to his senses" so to speak and realize i'm really the one. it's so hard to hear when I've believed for the last three years of my life that I already WAS with that person. So utterly devasting to realize he never truly felt that way, he only wanted to. I am still in shock. I can't even move on to depressed or angry. I can't get past the shock.