Dumped my g/f but now want her back

[ck42]

Ok here goes....I met my x at school and we were together from about the age of 17 for nearly 2 years. It was the first real relationship for both us. Last year I started University, this ment 4 weeks apart from each other at a time which is going to put strain on any relationship. It was working fine we used to visit each other when we could and talk on the phone and text each other everyday.

 

The problems started last term (about 18 weeks ago) she always thought i was her sole mate and wanted to spend rest of life with me but although i loved her lots I wasn't sure if I wanted to spend rest of life with only proper g/f I ever had without seeing other girls. About 15 weeks ago I split up with her on the phone, I think it came very suddenly to her. For the next month or so she bascially begged me to get back with her i am idiot and said no.

 

We still talked on the phone after that and i think she cried for about 6 weeks solid (when we split up). After a little while i started going out iwth this other girl (i now relise this was probably rebound relationship or somink). I then realised that still had feelings for x, because of this I explained situation to other girl and we split up. I still didn't say nethink to my x about feelings i still had at this point as wanted to be 100% sure what i felt becuase didn't want to hurt her a second time and I thought that i would be coming back from uni for a long time soon so would wait few weeks (she still said on phone at this time that would take me back).

 

A few weeks before I was due to come back from uni she stoped texting or phoning me at all (about 5 weeks ago). I wondered y this was and turns out she had found another bloke, at this point i thought it was best to tell her how i feel, I phoned her and we talked about it but she said she was ova me and i was to late.

 

I came back from uni about 3 weeks ago. I found out situation with this other bloke and they are not really seeing each other. I really wanted to meet up with her so I kept texting her and stuff to see if she would but she said it was to soon and wouldn't meet up with me. She also said she wanted me to leave her alone.

 

Then I droped back the contact abit we still sent text's to each other with polite conversation and I phoned her and we chatted for bit. Few days later she phoned me for first time in ages and we chatted for hours. Next day I phoned her and we chatted for hours again but then she said talking to days in row was to much and that i shouldn't contact her. Next day she phoned me again? At this stage i really confused?? I didn't say nethink as we seemed to be getting on well. I then went clubbing and saw her when was there but tried to talk to her and she wouldn;t even have a conversation with me. A couple of days later she agreed to meet up.

 

We met and it kinda seemed like olds times we chatted and laughed together, then we lay on my bed just looking at each other for 15mins then we ended up kisses. After we kissed she said it was a mistake and left my house quickly and said kiss didn't mean wanted to get back with me.

 

2 weeks ago (as she is in my group of friends) about 6 of us went clubbing together (her included) and she wouldn't really talk to me at all. We still talk on phone often but I not sure if she likes to. We went clubbing as a group again other day and again she just didn;t talk to me and she when she left she huged every1 before except me who she wouldn't even say goodbye to or look at.

 

I want to meet up again but she says it is to soon. She says she is ova me and that we can neva get back together, i also asked if she thought i was attractive any more and she said no. I miss her alot every day but I dont now how i can get her back? I caused her alot of pain and really hurt her bad when split up. Was I to late??

[OceanEyes]

We still talked on the phone after that and i think she cried for about 6 weeks solid (when we split up).

 

That's a long time to cry ck42, a very long time. It's obvious that when you split up with her, she was literally destroyed. And, to add insult to injury, you were seeing someone else in the time you were apart. Did she know about that? Could she have found out somehow?

 

Of course things like this happen, especially after you've been together since your late teens and then go off to school. Happens all the time actually, and usually one person gets hurt because the other needs to sample life a bit more before 'taking the plunge'. Try not to feel bad about that urge or beat yourself up for breaking things off, it's something I totally understand and respect.

 

Now here's the problem. Your need to break things off and explore your options was not mutual. She obviously saw herself with you for a very long time - forever essentially. I've only ever felt that way once and known how in love I was. It's a very powerful and consuming feeling and one that just doesn't go away when someone tells you they don't feel the same way. In fact, to have someone tell you they don't feel the same way results in so much confusion - an inner battle of self-doubt and sadness that takes a while to really understand and move past.

 

At this point, she's being forced to remember all of the pain and sleepless nights. She believes that you caused that, and although she may still love you, she's protecting herself and doesn't trust you anymore. You have to accept this before you can really understand what she needs. If you really want her back, you have to know that it's going to take some work on your part to get her to trust you again. You broke her heart - and now that she's over it for the most part - you're back and she's scared that all of those horrible feelings she had are going to happen again. It's mainly about trust here.

 

It's pretty obvious that she still cares for you, otherwise she wouldn't spend hours on the phone with you and agree to meet up with you. Just take it from there ... start slowly and shower her with love, honesty, respect, admiration, compliments, etc. As soon as she starts to trust that your intentions are pure, she'll begin letting you back into her heart. Just make sure that she really is who and what you want, because it's not fair to get back together with her for any other reason.

 

Good luck!

[lady00]

It's difficult to say whether she's telling the truth or not. Maybe she really is over you. That doesn't mean her feelings couldn't come back but it probably just means that she got to a point where liking you was too painful especially since you were dating someone else and seemed to have moved on. She finally got tired of crying so much and decided that getting over you would make her feel much better and she was probably right. If you want her back, I think you need to back off a little. Let her come to you if and when she is ready and make sure each time she initiates contact (if she ever does) the conversation is pleasant. You want her to be attracted to you again and that's the way to do it. You already hurt her badly once. It's going to take a lot of time and effort on your part to rebuild her trust in you and reignite her attraction. If you think she's worth it, then you should start by scaling back your contact...don't "push" (i.e. initiate contact) so much and she may be drawn towards you and if she comes to you, you have to play it cool and make any interactions the two of you have light and pleasant. She already liked you a great deal at one point so this may come back if you play your cards right. Check out the post by "myjoy" about getting your ex back in the getting back together forum.

[lillady898]

You broke her heart - and now that she's over it for the most part - you're back and she's scared that all of those horrible feelings she had are going to happen again. It's mainly about trust here.

 

I completely agree.

When I was the girl in your ex's shoes, I definetly had a rough time with trusting my boyfriend. The way I looked at it was, if he's capable of doing it once, he can probably do it again. It took a lot to look past that.

[Jamiegirl]

honestly you should try to move on. You made a big mistake and now you have to pay the consecquences. Honestly you may care about her alot but there are other girls out there for you. I know how she feels i went through the same thing. I begged for my x back then i gave up, because he just kept saying no. Then when he realized i gave up on him thats when he realized that he wanted me back. Not to be hard on you , but i think you kinda messed this one up for yourself. and if you have givin it your best effort to get her back and she says it will never happen maybe you should just accept it and move on. I hope this helps. Good Luck

[ck42]

that is exactly what she said, she said that how would she no that i wouldn't just do it again at anytime. How do I show her I am sure this time?

[lady00]

Actions speak louder than words. The only way you can show her you are sure this time is to be there for her. Give her space if she needs it. Show through your actions that you care. If she says back off, don't try and convince her that she really wants you bug her. She knows what she wants. Respecting that will show that you care. Accept that she doesn't want to be with you right now and see if you can be friends. That way you can build positive moments together. Don't tell her that you care, show her through your actions. Be kind to her and let her come to you. If you back off and wait she might initiate contact and if you are kind to her and keep things light, she'll want to contact you more and more. She's already been hurt by you. You need to show her that you will not hurt her but don't expect her to come around right away. It will take a while for her to heal and believe that you are sincere. Also, realize that even if you try your best, the damage may be too great and you may have to just move on and forget about her. Sometimes we make mistakes and can fix them but sometimes the damage is irreperable. I wish you the best of luck! Remember, people respond to pleasure, not pressure so if you have contact with her, don't bug her about getting back together, she will see this as pressure and that will push her away. Instead, make sure your interactions are fun. And don't forget to be patient with yourself and with her. if you feel that you can't control your emotions around her then back off.

[Scout]

You should also give a lot of thought about the fact that it was only when you realized she was seeing someone else, that you decided to tell her you wanted her back.

 

To me, that sounds like you want what you can't have - but when it's available, you don't want it. If this is the case, you should stop this pattern before it emerges in your subsequent relationships, or people are going to continue to get hurt.

[otterloo]

my situation is very similar. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3+ years (1 of which we lived together) because I wasn't deserving of her love. I was making mistakes and I tried to stop because they were undermining our love but I couldn't so I broke up with her. I told her a couple of weeks after what I was experiencing and she was really upset but eventually she wanted to get back together again. We did but it was very short lived because trust issue arose. I gave her time and now I wish that I had fought for her. Now it is 4 months later and I feel stonger about her than ever and I have totally changed as I have seen what is really important. I told her all of this recently and that I would do anything for a second chance and she turned me down. I persisted and she finally told me that she has begun to see another guy. I think that I definitely pushed too strong and totally poured out my heart to her. I think that she still has feelings for me and that her relationship isn't too serious. I really want and need her back but she wants to be friends (real friends, we have hung out since our breakup). She is everything that I want in a lifemate. Please give me advice. I am thinking of telling her that I need time apart but I cannot live with myself if I do something else to ruin my chances.

[otterloo]

nevermind

[ck42]

I am now trying the no contact thing but it really hard, is killing me not talking to her. I also worried that if have no contact she will just drift further away.

[lady00]

That's possible. But contacting her right now will definitely drive her away. If you do NC for a while then there is a chance that she will wonder what you are up to and contact her. If you continue to contact her, you will certainly drive her further away.

[ck42]

I thought i should contact her tho as going to malaysia for 3 weeks soon so will be no contact then neway.