Am I about to get back with exGF of 7yrs after 1.5yrs?

[cd1011607306450]

Hello.

 

I could really do with some advice.

 

Well to cut a long story short i split up with my ex gf of 7 years a year and a half ago. Basically she left me out of the blue, and although we had a few arguments and things were not the best, it came as a total shock. Very soon after this she met someone else and despite my actions to win her back she never gave me the chance and progressed on with this new man, not wanting to know about me. After a while, I gave up all contact with her and although i was totally devastated i tried to move on with my life. I dated other girls but none ever came close to the love that I shared and still had for my ex. So to avoid hurting them I let them go as it was not fair. A year after we split I started a lifelong dream of mine and went travelling around the world with a friend of mine. It really does help. Before I went I met with my ex and she bought me some little travel presents that might come in handy. I told her that I missed her and wanted her back but she was still going out with the other man. I could tell that she was not totally happy. The day I left I e-mailed her a beautiful good bye e-mail.

 

While I was away she e-mailed me a few times and thanked me for the lovely e-mail. I got back 3 months ago and had a great time. When I got back she asked me to meet her for a drink and we went out for a meal. We had a great night and she invited me back to her place for coffee. I asked her if she was still going out with the other man and she said no and started to cry saying she had made a big mistake going out with him and was very stilly and that she had been in a daze when we split up. We talked about some of the mistakes we made and some of the good times. I told her that what happened in the last year or so does not really matter and I said I would take her out to dinner. She said yes but said she needed some time on her own. She then text me saying we should wait awhile for dinner.

 

I met her a month later (1 week ago) and we went out to dinner and had a great time, going on to a late night bar afterwards and having lots to drink. I never mentioned anything about getting back together or that I missed her or still loved her. We got a taxi home and that was that.

 

She is a teacher and has a very long summer holiday and she is going to spend it with her family who now live in Spain. I will meet her again before she goes but I really do not know what to say to her. I am thinking of telling her I that I want us to get back together and try again having learned from our mistakes. I still love her and miss her. Even after all that has happened she is still the one and the one I think of all the time. We have gone out and had fun together. Now I think it is time I lay my cards on the table and tell her how I feel. I really am not sure what to say. I will give her the summer if she needs time but I am not going to wait my whole life for her. I am so unsure how she feels about me, I think she would be scared to tell me that she wanted to get back together and if she still had feelings for me. She is that sort of person. I don't want to be her perpetual friend, I just want her to come back and give her all she ever wanted. I am so confused. Please could someone give me some advice? I have had some very good advice here in the past and could really use it now.

 

CD101 – London, England.

[shockeddismayed]

CD101

 

I remember reading your earlier posts.

 

I am really glad you were able to avoid contacting her and give her space for a month. That took a lot of strength.

 

I don't think it would be a bad idea to let her know how you feel, but on the other hand, with her leaving for Spain, nothing can really be resolved.

 

I'd bet 95% that if you tell her you want to try again, she'll say something like "I think it might be a good idea too, but I am going away for the next 2 months, so it would have to happen when I get back".

 

Telling her your feelings might send her away with the security of knowing you are waiting for her return. What will she do with that security? Will it allow her to have a wonderful, confident time in Spain being romanced by exotic men? Who knows?

 

On the other hand, leaving her with an unclear message may get her examining herself and you while she is gone. This can only work in your favour no matter how it turns out.

 

I'd opt for hooking up with her for another "date" before she leaves. Flirt and be friendly... make her think you are *almost* available to her without saying it out loud. This will leave her feeling at the same time romanced by you and somewhat unfulfilled.... she'll wonder whether you are still there for her... it will elicit her feelings for you, whatever they may be.

 

You say you are willing to wait the summer. I'd never advise anyone to do that... I'd also never advise them against it. If you choose to wait though, I feel the best course of action is to give her that non-verbal message as described above. Plant a seed, and let it grow.

 

This wait will be very tough on you. If you aren't up for it, you might want some real closure before she goes... but that only comes with an ultimatum (b/c trust me, given that she will get no benefit from a relationship with you in the next 2 months, she will avoid any statements that commit her to action), and you need to be ready for the negative side of the decision.

[Beec]

Well, I would not lay your cards on the table, if I were in your shoes.

 

Your are looking to get her back. One of the most basic tools in any seduction is the sending of mixed messages. Laying out your cards does not do that at all. I would jsut not tell her wehre you are or what you are thinking.

 

I would try to indicate two things. One some interest, only non-verbal; two that you are also ready to move on.

[DiglyD]

I agree with Beec 100%, laying your cards on the table might mess everything up. If you do that, you will project to her that she still "has" you in her grasp, that you need her, and that you have not been able to move on with your life. Right now she is attracted to your independance, to your aura that shows her that you are a complete and independent man. You have started a new life which she cannot lead and probably wants to be a part of. She thinks you grew up, travelled the world, became wiser and stronger. She is attracted to that, and most likely wants to be part of you life again especially since her new life didn't pan out like she thought it would.

 

Laying your cards on the table will show her that you are not over her and that she can have you at any time as an "option" in case something goes wrong. If you lay your cards in front of her you are in her pocket. She will at that point reject you again and hurt you again and go to some other guy, because she will believe that you will wait on her like you have in the past in case it dosen't work out. Keep her on her toes, and in the dark about how you truly feel. You can tell her that a part of you really likes her or loves her but a part of you has moved on, and now you enjoy your independence, and are looking forward to meeting new women. Never truly bend to her and pour your heart out. You will lose her that way. Right now she is testing you, and she wants to know where you stand so that she can measure you up and either chase you or lump you into the begging puppy category.

 

For you to successfully get her back you need to continue doing what you are doing right now. Periodically showing interest, maybe taking her out, sending her something but remaining distant to some degree and independent. Push and pull, show interest for a while and then withdraw and focus on yourself and your hobbies. Casually date other women just to have agood time, and show her that there are other women in your life and that she is not the only one even if she is. SHow her that she must fight to win you over and that she is not the only thing you think about even if you do. Show that you have option and are not afraid to use them. Just like Beec said, show that you are ready to move on at any moment. Create mystery and desire for you in her. Make her chase you not you chase her. You are the prize that she must win, it is not her. Keep the focus on you. When you do, she will be the one who will lay the cards on the table for you, and that will be the time when you will be able to make a decision if you truly want her back.

[cd1011607306450]

Thank you for you great advice as always.

 

I am still uncertain what to do as i have been out with her a few times now and just had a good time. She is very guarded and i think if i dont say something then she will certainly not. I don't know what to do. I think i will show some desire and interest in her and getting back togther, perhaps in reminissing over happy times. But not in a pressurised way or giving her an ultimatum. I need to know as i am sick of torturing myself over her and what she is thinking. i think i need to know where i stand. just not sure how to go about it.

 

Things can be very confusing.

 

CD101

 

For all those who read this and have just split up with someone. I can genuinly recommend the round the world tour as something great to do. Gets you away from the routine and perhaps bumping into an ex, you meet loads of new people and see some amazing things and havd amazing adventures.

[Beec]

She is guarded? Then maybe she is either reluctant or scared, try to figure out why. Might relate to why you broke up in the first place. If the break up occurred because of something you were doing, then try to demonstrate it won't happen again or as much. If it occurred because you dumped her, demonstrate some regret for that. Try to meet what she needs to get into the relationship, without telling her if you can. Sometimes, rarely, you do need to say it, esp. with an ex.

[mademoiselle_amelie]

cd,

I would not say anything until she gets back from spain.

Do though keep in contact, flirt....try to get some more information from her without asking.

Watch her body language when she is with you.

Be light, fun and don't talk about your relationship unless she brings it up.

Be a friend to her....don't rush into anything. if its meant to be then you have all the time in the world.

When she goes to Spain, keep up the contact with the occasional email. not too many as you want her to miss you too.

Good Luck!

Hope your story has a happy ending

x amelie

[cd1011607306450]

Thanks again for the great advice.

 

Well to update you, I phoned my ex on Friday and asked her when she wanted to meet me before she went to Spain and I asked her if she wanted to come along for one of my friend's birthdays in a great club in London on Saturday. She said she had to go to a friends leaving drink but she said she would let me know. Well she came along with me and we met my friends in there. They were all very surprised to see her along with me but were very welcoming to her and we all had a great night. It was like we were there as a couple, in many ways we were and in others we were not. She invited me in to her flat for a coffee and she made me some food, and we sat and had a chat until 5:30am. We never mentioned our relationship and just had fun. She really enjoyed it and thanked me for inviting her.

 

I was dead set on telling her how I felt before she left for Spain but with some time to think I can see the value in not telling her. I told her previously that I will give her a book to read that I enjoyed and perhaps I could mention that all my friends commented on how good she looked and then say something like "well you did look beautiful/lovely" just to show I care and still fancy her without having to go through the whole "getting back together" conversation. Could anybody suggest something light-hearted to say that is more flirtatious that would be good to say to her.

 

She may well get thinking while she is away, especially with her family who all adored me, were also my friends and who could not stand my replacement.

 

CD101.

 

Shocked & Dismayed - I just seen your message a short while ago and i am slowly working my way through your post.

[Beec]

One of my favorite things to call a woman is gorgeous. It seems to have a different connotation than saying she is beautiful or pretty. From time to time, I pick up the phone and when she, whoever she is answers, I say "Hi Gorgeous". She always seems to laugh and think it is flatterting, while I only have to act like I am flirting. Works for me.

[Scout]

Yeah, but do you mean it when you say that, Beec? Or are you just flattering?

[Mun]

I don't think it matters Scout, I want to hear someone say "Hi gorgeous" ( hey if he is calling then he is interested)

[cd1011607306450]

I have been thinking about my situation and I have been very confused as to the likely feelings of my ex Gf and I am totally confused about how she may feel about me. When we first split up she did not want anything to do with me and was moving ahead with her new man, she gave reasons that did and did not make sense as to why we broke up and she told me that she did not love me anymore and had met someone else few months after we split. She never called me or e-mailed me unless she had to or in response to a call or letter from me.

 

When I came back from travelling and found out from her that her rebound relationship was a disaster and she said she was stupid and in a daze after we broke up her attitude is very different, she initiated contact with me when i got back and we have been out for dinner drinks etc a few times in the last couple of months. She brings up things about our relationship such as funny happy times etc. Her body language is encouraging but i am scared to take her hand or kiss her. When we go out we have a great time and I never bring up our relationship but the next day she never calls or texts to say she had a good time or to thank me. She will do that only after I text her saying I had a good time etc. After we go out I am usually the one who will call in a couple of weeks and invite her out. When she went out with me and my friends this weekend we agreed that we would see each other before she heads off to Spain for the summer, I text her the next day saying Wed or Thursday this week would be a good day. She said she would let me know which day was best as is has a very busy week. It is now Wed Afternoon and I have heard nothing from her.

 

She always had a shy and quiet personality and I can tell form spending 7 years with her that she is very guarded and not forward since I have been going out with her over the last 2 months.

 

I suppose the real question is does she just want to be my friend or is she interested in getting back with me and just confused and scared.

 

CD101.

[Beec]

Yeah, but do you mean it when you say that, Beec? Or are you just flattering?

 

 

Simple answer: If I call a woman gorgeous, I am attracted.

 

If you flatter someone and the flattery has absolutely no honesty, then they will know.

 

cd101, I think her body langaue is not lying, so there is some interest. But maybe you need to try to develop it more. She seems to be acting as if she were out with someone who is not a boyfriend. My dates don't call me the next day unless and until a realationship develops. I could see why she would not be callign you.

[Scout]

Beec, exactly. That's why I asked - and I was going to tell you we "know" if its just flattery.

[Mun]

Hi Cd,

I think she is your friend and she likes you too. The problem is that she broke up with you and she knows this. She made a mistake. You say she is shy too so maybe she doesn't know how to come right out and say what she feels.

 

I think you should keep asking her and out somewhere down the road talk about getting back together. In the meantime : if you want a kiss go for it and see how she responds. If you want to hold her hand then do it.

 

I would go for the hand holding first, of course. Good luck !

[Beec]

muneca is right. When you want to make the move, go for the hand hold.

 

Just allow your hands to touch and see what happens.

 

If your hands touch and she pulls away, don't make the move. If they touch a few times and she keeps coming back for them to do it again, then make the move.

[cd1011607306450]

Well I don't think I have to worry too much about holding hands or trying to kiss her. We had arranged to go out for a drink either last night or tonight. She text me last night at 9:30 basically saying sorry for not getting back to me, very busy finishing off school work can't make it tomorrow and Friday she is away on a hen weekend and will have to be when she gets back, followed by Sorry. Did not even bother to phone me to say that. I was annoyed as we had a great time the last time went out and this went against all that when I get this rude text message. No mention of calling me, have a nice summer or anything. Before, I told her we would have a drink and I would give her some books that I had read, even went and bought a new copy of one. One step forward and two steps back.

 

Before this I thought we were nearly there and then she sends something that shows she is not too bothered. It was very cold. She would not have sent that to one of her friends. She never seemed too bothered about meeting me. Perhaps she sees it as too soon after seeing her at the weekend. She will be gone for 5 weeks now and well it could be another 5 weeks before she bothers to call me.

 

CD101.