Boyfriend lost his mother and has pushed me away...Help!

[beancounter999]

Sometimes I think the answer is so obvious, but I'm confused and need feedback!

 

My boyfriend and I are both in our late 30's. We met around 3 months ago and fell in love quickly. We talked of the future and both felt we had met our soul mate. He is an incredible man who tells me he loves me every single day, every time we talk. Unfortunately, he lost his mother a month ago to cancer. They were very close, best friends. Since then, it's been like a switch has been shut off. We still talk daily and he still says he loves me, but I never see him. He spends all of his time either working or with his father now. When he does have spare time, he prefers to spend it alone.

 

I have no idea what he's going through and don't know how to support him. I want to be there for him, but on the other hand, I don't want my heart broken if the man I fell in love with never comes back He is not great at sharing his feelings, but has assured me that he loves me and wants a relationship with me. He did, however, say that he didn't know if things would ever get better. He said that he feels like he needs to focus on his father right now. I know he's having a hard time and I tell him that I will be there for him. I believe that he is "the one", which is scaring the hell out of me.

 

Should I wait it out? Has anyone been through this? Will he come back around? How can I help?

[DN]

I think you should wait a while - people mourn in different ways.

[_Asti_]

Have you spent some time reading around online on how to help someone who's going through such a thing? What grief can do to a person, how they may react, and how you may support them?

 

I lost my Mother 10 months ago, and I know it wasn't easy on my relationship or my fiance. I place my Father as a high priority in my life as well, but I am younger and have much more on my plate and know I also need to focus on other things and my relationship.

 

My only concern/comment would be that its only been 3 months for you guys, and its still a new relationship and he can't giive the relationship its time and energy it needs because of the situation he is in, he needs to focus on his family and his grief. It's only been a month! I wasn't even well into proper grieving till many months after my Mother passed away. Its diferent for everyone.

 

You can certainly wait it out, but realize that the dynamics have now changed and may remain that way for a while until he works through it.

 

I still have weeks where I shut down, and it becomes unbearable to face the world, thats grief. I will never be the same, but it doesn't mean my 'relationship' will never be the same. Him saying he doesn't know if it will get better, is grief talking. You don't see the end of the exhausting and tiring mountain lying in front of you. But it does get 'better' You learn to adapt to the new life you are now living, and he needs to make a choice to ahave you in it or not, and continue to move forward, butt hat may take time. If you certainly think he is the one and would wait, you need to be patient. These things take time. Its only been a month.

[beancounter999]

Thank you for the replies. It definitely helps. I will be sure to read up on how to help him through this process. He is definitely worth waiting for...I just need to control those little voices of insecurity in my head and realize it's not about me!

 

So sorry about your Mom Asti, I can't imagine how hard it must be.

[kuteknish]

If you think the relationship is worth it, then be there for him, but don't push too hard. He will only be capable of so much. His own happiness has been broken and now that leaves him in a very vulnerable state, which he may not be ready to deal with, with a new partner. It could be exhausting on both sides from time to time when he shuts down, which will happen often.... Just make sure you are ready and confident in yourself for what you have to deal with over the next few months or more...

[beancounter999]

Well, I have been patient and given him space and he did what I feared the most...he broke up with me. Said that he knows he's just hurting me and wants to be alone. Very confusing since he has never stopped telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Just last night he said that he was madly in love with me and today, the boot! I am heartbroken

[Ms Darcy]

Well, I have been patient and given him space and he did what I feared the most...he broke up with me. Said that he knows he's just hurting me and wants to be alone. Very confusing since he has never stopped telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Just last night he said that he was madly in love with me and today, the boot! I am heartbroken

 

I had a feeling it would go this way. I am so sorry for your pain right now. You did everything you could do. I hope you have supportive people around you.