In need of some insight..

[jaydee19]

I am in need of some insight about my situation with my ex (we've been broken up for about 10 months). I thought it would be helpful to get other peoples perspective about it, and maybe then I can fully realize what is the best way to go. I would really appreciate any honest opinions and advice. Here's the story. I'm sorry this is super long.. but there is a lot of history.

 

I was in a relationship with my ex-boyfriend for about 2 and a half years. We had a great relationship, and we were best friends. I can honestly say I loved him, enough to give up many things for him. Everything was well until the last 6 months or so of the relationship. Eventually he had to move to another town which was about 2 hours away. We wanted to stay together so we decided to keep our relationship. After a month after his move I began to realize I had things that I needed to work on for myself and told him I would like to take a break in order to work on myself. He didn't want to but he agreed and said we should still be friends.

 

We had NC for about a month, then I began to feel I had the time I needed to fix things and began talking to him again hoping he wanted to try our relationship again. At that point he began to treat me rudely and said he had realized he didn't love me anymore, and that things had changed. He also said he didn't want to keep being friends. I was devastated but understood, so I stopped talking to him and had more time to work on myself. I was finally happy, and figured being single came at a good time. About a month I ran into him for the first time since our break up 2 1/2 months before.

 

Since we have a lot of mutual friends I heard he had moved back a month before, and also found out he had lied to me for the last 6 months of us being together. He had quit doing drugs 3 years before, but for the last 6 months of us dating he had been doing them behind my back. Randomly one day he began texting me and said we should catch up and hang out. We ended up hanging out and feelings resurfaced. He kept bringing up memories, and inside jokes between us. Then I told him he hurt me when he told me he didn't love me, and he said he had only said that to me because he was angry. We ended up kissing that day, then we slowly stopped talking again. Every now and then he would text me again saying he wanted to see me, and eventually we hung out again.

 

During this time I had decided I needed to get away and had applied for an internship. I found out I got it and that I had a month until I left. He eventually said he didn't want me to go and that we should get back together. We decided to get back together and do the distance thing again until I came back in 4 months. I was worried because I knew he was doing bad things, but I chose to try to trust him.

After I had left, we would talk every day and were beginning to get close again. We were planning on moving in together when I got back and he had even stopped doing bad things, or so he said.

 

One night (I had been gone for 2 months) I checked my e-mail, and read one from him saying that he thought we should end our relationship. I panicked and asked why, if I did something and all that.. then he said he just didn't want to be in a relationship. He said he wanted to be friends, but completely stopped talking to me. I was heart broken again, and was completely shocked since everything was going well.

He never gave me a reason. I ended my internship, and went back home a month later. I had hope that we would get together again but some time passed and still no contact from him. I decided it was over for good, and began my healing process. Some 3 months had passed and I was hanging out with mutual friends of mine and my ex's. He got angry about it because they were hanging out with me then treated me badly which reassured me it was done for good.

 

It had been about 4 months since the random break up and he was dating someone else. This had never happened before, and it was another sign that we were done. About a month passed and I began dating one of our mutual friends, and we wanted to keep it a secret since it would probably anger my ex. I found out he had heard about me and him hooking up once, and that he was angry about it. I didn't know how I felt but I felt I was beginning to move on. One day I got a call, and it was my ex asking if he could join me and a group of friends who were going to a concert. I said yes, out of confusion. A couple of days later we all went to a friends house in another city for the concert and the guy I was dating was coming later on. We had been keeping our dating a secret for almost 2 months, and figured only one person knew. Hanging out with my ex was not awkward or difficult and I thought my feelings had finally began to go away.

 

During the concert he wanted to catch up. He told me about the girl he had dated and how they had broken up. He said he realized he didn't really care for her. He also talked about how he had realized a lot of things about life and such. Then asked if I had dated anyone, and I said "I don't know", then he said he knew about me and our friend being together. I admitted to it, and he said he was angry about it at first but he was okay with it at that moment. The next day he asked me if I thought it was a serious thing and I said I didn't know. The situation became awkward when I started to realize he would stare at me and sometimes he looked angry. I figured he was just upset about the situation because it was against "bro code". Me and his friend figured he wouldn't care because when we began dating, my ex had a girlfriend, which meant he had moved on. He kept saying it was fine with him. Other times he would get in bad moods and would end up leaving

 

I continued to date the other guy and at the beginning of this past summer he had to be away due to family issues. We talked every day and had an open relationship since he was far away. Me and my ex had a friendship and it was all working well for a while. Around the end of June we were hanging out and he was in a terrible mood the entire time. I wondered why but figured he was just having a bad day. He kept saying he was bitter and that I should know why. I began to feel like it was over me moving on, and that he was angry because of it. I also thought he was simply mad over his friend dating me. Before going home he asked me if I ever had anything I wanted to tell someone but couldn't because it could potentially hurt a lot of people. Then he said he wanted to talk to me, and I avoided it as long as I could because I didn't know what he was going to say.

 

Then he texted me around 2 in the morning, saying he still loved me, and he was bitter because things had changed and he had realized he would probably never love anyone like he did me. He said he knew he still had a lot to work on himself, but that he had felt happier again being around me. And that he had seen how much stronger I was now, and then told me he had broken up with me because he thought our mutual best friend was in love with me (another friend). But now he realized he had not thought how it would affect the both of us, and that he was wrong. He said he would like to work towards maybe being something again, or something along those lines.

 

I didn't know how I felt so I told him that I would always care for him but that I didn't know how to feel. We talked for a few days after that but then stopped talking altogether again for a month. I felt apathetic to what he had said because it was so unexpected. In July I ended things with the other guy and wanted to focus on other things. Again my ex and I began to talk and one night got intimate. When he left the next day I began sobbing, I still don't know why I cried so hard. I was confused and feelings began to come back. We began hanging out every couple of weeks and sometimes hook up.

 

On a drunken night we were talking about us and I finally asked if he would ever think of getting back together. He said he didn't think it would work out because we are both different now and that it would be a lot to work on. That he wasn't good for me and I told him I never cared about any of that. He said he would always care for me and that he didn't know what would happen in the future. Then I asked why he would tell me he was still in love with me a month prior to this if it was going to go nowhere. He said he was confused and that he did but that things had changed (again).

 

I told him he was simply playing with me, then he got angry and said that I didn't even love him anymore so I should not care. I said I didn't know if I did, because I felt confused. The argument ended badly, he left and we apologized the next day. After that we went a couple weeks without hanging out, but eventually did again, and hooked up again. We were friends and slowly I began realizing that I still love him. There were times when we would hang out and it felt like when we were together. But after he would always distance himself from me and would stop talking to me. I felt used, but still had hope.

 

I ended up trying NC again and had none for 1 month, then he contacted me, asking me how I was and such. I ignored him, but on an impulse ended up contacting him a few days later. We hung out, and ended up cuddling and talking for a while. Hooked up again and after we stopped talking again. He tried contact again and I told him I felt like we were using each other for sex, and he said that was not it. I left it at that and have had NC for a month now.

 

It seems like if I don't stop this now I will never break this cycle. But I also feel like he is the person I want to be with in the end. I simply need some insight because its been past 1 year since our first break up, and 3 months ago he told me he still was in love with me. Any thoughts?

[ImGrowing]

Go strict NC. Get over him... then decide from there. He knows he can call on you anytime he wants, because you always jump at the opportunity. You're his "back up," until he finds someone else. You don't deserve this.

[charity]

please please end this now. he is all over the place, he wants you, he doesn't, he does, he doesn't again. you seems strong but you are addicted to him and finding it hard too see clearly i think. i do not think he loves you. no matter what he says. and people do say things like that when they're feeling low and confused. my ex told me i was the only one for him and he loved me and 2 days later went cold. then said 'ugh i don't think it would work'. please! love is evident in one's actions, not easy peasy words. do yourself a big favour.....be strong and move on...away from him.

[jaydee19]

Yeah, I figured it was something like that. I know what I have to do, but sometimes it is easier said than done. Even when I have tried to cut all contact with him, he will find a way to contact me and he gets mad that I do not want him in my life. Which makes me think he still cares, but then he distances himself again. It just feels like a game. Thank you for the input. It is hard to admit something, when feelings are involved.

[charity]

yes it is very hard girl. true. but you know whats harder? watching how quick he WILL let you out of his life when he meets someone he really likes. it takes a great deal of strength to move on but it is the right thing to do when someone is treating you so flippantly. good luck in your decision.

[jaydee19]

That is true. He only wanted me when I was happy and he realized I could have possibly stopped loving him. When I want to be with him, he runs away. I just can't help but feel like he still loves me, but there is nothing I can do.

[The_Seeker]

please please end this now. he is all over the place, he wants you, he doesn't, he does, he doesn't again. you seems strong but you are addicted to him and finding it hard too see clearly i think. i do not think he loves you. no matter what he says. and people do say things like that when they're feeling low and confused. my ex told me i was the only one for him and he loved me and 2 days later went cold. then said 'ugh i don't think it would work'. please! love is evident in one's actions, not easy peasy words. do yourself a big favour.....be strong and move on...away from him.

 

Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't. They're just great actors. [coughs]Players[coughs]

 

You just never know.

[jaydee19]

He has admitted and boasted about being a good liar in the past. I wish I had never let him come back into my life. I had made some progress now I am back where I started.

[ImGrowing]

Yeah, I figured it was something like that. I know what I have to do, but sometimes it is easier said than done. Even when I have tried to cut all contact with him, he will find a way to contact me and he gets mad that I do not want him in my life. Which makes me think he still cares, but then he distances himself again. It just feels like a game. Thank you for the input. It is hard to admit something, when feelings are involved.

 

Cut him loose! You are no longer responsible for his happiness. Who cares if he gets mad. He obviously doesn't care that he's been stringing you along! If anything, leave him alone and let him GROW UP!

[jaydee19]

You're right. I am determined on not contacting him, or replying when he contacts me. I need to put myself first in this situation.

[ImGrowing]

You're right. I am determined on not contacting him, or replying when he contacts me. I need to put myself first in this situation.

 

Good. You deserve to be with a man who will move mountains to want to be with you Work on seeing and showing your worth, and they will eventually see it too

[ForumGuy]

My ex would do just what yours is doing if i would let her, and I did for a very short time....less than two weeks. She just couldn't understand why i couldn't be her friend even though everyone else could, namely her kids. Who knows what the outcome in the end will be for you, but for now NC is an absolute must. Mine kept contacting me through the first 6 months after our breakup, then I told her we are "done forever" because I wanted to make sure she didn't view me as an option. I haven't heard from her since but she still checks my social networking accounts daily. Like you, I am very sure my ex still loves me, she told me too. I think it is a commitment-phobia thing.

[jaydee19]

I agree with you ForumGuy. I think it is a commitment phobia. It has been about 10 months, and every month or so he will contact me. I kept contact in hopes that it would be like the last time when we eventually got back together. But now I see that I can't wait around for someone who doesn't know what they want. The only reason I have allowed myself to be his option is because I think he still loves me. And the fact he told me he still does, made this drag on for even longer. I am finally at the point where I want this be done for good. Let's hope I have the will power to ignore him next time he contacts me.

[ForumGuy]

Let's hope I have the will power to ignore him next time he contacts me.

I hear you and feel the same way. Like I said, mine hasn't contacted me since my "done forever" statement, though her son did recently and we are planning things. My ex resorted to telling lies about me to her kids...seems that her son was smart enough to see through that. Just saying this on your thread because if you are strong enough to resist his contact, he may resort to other measures to keep his feeling of control.